The Hipster Brigade

END SCENE

2005-03-25T14:17:00.000-05:00

where is she now? look here:

email me: skafunkmelt at hotmail dot com

aim me: a rusted pillow

have fun looking through the archives, which i plan to make into a small bookish type thingy in the future. enjoy!

DIANA NEEDS YOUR HELP

2005-01-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

i'm not very good at saying goodbyes, but i've been thinking a lot about this space lately. i still visit and look at comments & remember i'm still living and writing, just not here anymore. i've been trying to figure out what to do with this, and i've finally got an idea. i'm going to publish (& by publish, i mean copy and sell for a small fee) excerpts from this blog. i'd really appreciate if you have any other ideas or favorite entries you would like me to consider. i know it's asking a lot to try & remember, but pointing me in the right direction will help this project go a lot smoother. i can't wait to read your replies -- which you may leave in the comments or through IM or email.

THANK YOU!

goodbye to last year & hello to new beginnings

2005-01-04T15:58:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking over this big break. I've celebrated a lot of things, including my one year anniversary with Dave as well as having my first Christmas & New Year's away from home. It's strange being away from family during the holidays and as much as I think of Dave as part of my family, I still missed my parents, sister & all of my sweet darling pets.

So, does this mean I'm a growing up? Not exactly. Please take notice of the My Little Pony included on this page for your viewing pleasure. & all the spectacular things that Boston holds during the holidays.

& now, the shocker: THIS IS MY FINAL POST. I haven't been the same person I have been & I've grown out of this lovely form of writing. I'm still going to be around on the internet. If you want to know what I'm up to, I'm going to keep writing & you can always contact me. I don't plan on deleting this blog, so you can enjoy what's left here & go through the archives at your own risk. Perhaps, one day I'll find myself needing this again, but for now, adieu.

-livejournal
-Art & Photography at DeviantArt
-AIM: arustedpillow
-MSN/email: skafunkmelt at hotmail dot com

'

THANK YOU FOR READING!

Dave & I have been together for one year on January 1, 2005. Happy Anniversary.

2004-12-30T01:16:00.000-05:00

new year

2004-12-30T01:12:00.000-05:00

almost resolutions:

1. experiment with my lomo cameras
2. organize clutter
3. 10(+) sit-ups everyday
4. write more letters
5. wear some make-up every now & then (just for fun)
6. go to bed at a decent hour
7. update blogs each week
8. dear god, stop eating chocolate -- diana, what's gotten into you?!!
9. more alone activities like crafting & writing
10. write in your handwritten journal each week
11. fold your clothes and use that dresser
12. take more pictures!
13. figure out a good vegetarian diet, perhaps look into a book
14. write to martha stewart living about college living ideas
15. try to find a real job
16. listen to mom!
17. it's not too late to write to michael palin
18. manicures/pedicures are essential for a happy life.
19. write zine!!
20. remember why you are in boston?! school -- do your homework!!

i know that a lot of these are silly and maybe even a bit frivilous, but i need to remind myself what i'm capable of everyday. i feel like i'm always struggling. i need to realize that i'm capable of anything.

college concerns

2004-12-30T01:10:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking a lot about how to make my last semester at emerson, my best. so far, my senior year is looking good, i think. i only had difficulties in one class -- american lit -- and i knew from the beginning that it would be a tough one. i'm just not a literature person as much as i love reading and writing, there is no way a bunch of stuffy writers that have been dead for 60 years+ do a thing for me. well, that's not always the case, but seriously, poetry by pilgrims and short essays by benjamin franklin leave me nowhere but exhausted. i felt the same way about this class as i did in high school math. will i ever use this information? although, i bet i will.

one of my favorite classes ended up being the class i almost dropped. yes, introduction to poetry. i just didn't think i was good enough. in fact, i spent a lot of time going over and editing my poems, and i got A's on every single one -- only one was a B -- and when i turned in the rewrite the teacher wrote on there, "Why did I give you a B? Was I insane?" another poem he wrote on it, "Will I be seeing you in the advanced class next semester? I've really enjoyed reading your poetry." the class left me feeling good about my writing. i honestly didn't think i had anything left to offer.

now, it's hard to say if i loved the professor because of the classes or i loved the classes because of the professor, but novel into film & adv. fiction writing were some of the best classes i've ever had at emerson. i'm so glad that i met kevin miller, because not only is he a nice man, he's a good mentor. i plan on seeking him for advice next semester. *swoon* p.s. not to mention, the amazing films i got to learn about in my class -- the manchurian candidate, invasion of the body snatchers & the deep end. such lovely things indeed!

now, about this new semester:

photography 1
advanced poetry
senior thesis

i have room for one more class, but i'm not really sure what i want to end up taking. i know i need to keep my eyes peeled or otherwise i'll end up having to take a summer course. i just want to avoid literature classes at all costs UNLESS I CAN GET INTO AMERICANS IN PARIS TAUGHT BY KEVIN MILLER -- the school even treats you to a FREE trip to paris!! seriously, i get to learn about beatniks and all sorts of lovely things with my favorite professor and then go to paris! what a dream! i'm not sure if this class is open to anyone (the registrar says no day students!) so i'll have to wait on this one.

plus, i have one incomplete to finish for holocaust literature.

wow, graduation in the spring. i just can't believe it.

HAIKU CONTEST

2004-12-29T02:24:00.000-05:00

okay, friends...i've got another entry in THE SAMPLER haiku contest. do me a favor & drop me a vote (or two)!!

home of the sampler
nifty mini packages
delivered by mail

very late christmas list

2004-12-29T01:13:00.000-05:00

last night it snowed, one day late, so dave and i walked around taking pictures and having windy flurries blow into our faces. we ended up at the movie theater, where we saw House of Flying Daggers, which is an excellent & everyone should go see it right now. the only problem was when 4 people snuck in for the last 10 minutes talking & giggling in the very back of the theater and i decided to solve the situation by YELLING for them to shut up. it didn't work, but i tried! one day, i'm going to end up in a fight and i'm going to be so proud showing off my missing front teeth and black eyes.

now, on with the christmas goods:

diana recieved:
-brown converse chuck taylors
-mini zen garden
-black picture frame with this picture inside it
-black & white polka dotted tie
-antique-y looking gift tags
-vespa journal (in fact, the same notebook i gave to my friend, numidas, last year)
-ramones anthology cd
-lost in translation dvd
-rice cooker!!

& dave recieved:
-two t-shirts: this one from threadless & another from the cotton factory
-2 dry erase boards
-kaki king cd & the killers cd
-a bundle (3) of eddie izzard dvds from amazon
-wok
-wok recipe book

then today we went to the mall (& were forced to wait 20 minutes for the shuttle bus to lechmere in the cold-cold) & stopped by H&M (no undies, i swear), Old Navy & Best Buy.

dave left with:
-vcr & dvd combo player
-new jacket
-new gloves
-waking ned devine & two days in the valley dvds
-4 rolls of 800 speed fuji film

& diana left with:
-16 super extra powered energizer batteries
-the neverending story dvd
-32 cd carrying case
-2 flowery button-up shirts
-1 stripey sweater
-1 yellow sweater
-1 pair of flowery shoes
-1 pair of jeans

& i really want to shop at victoria's secret, but i never know what to get there. i need a pair of nude stockings for my garter belt, but it's not on the priority list, perhaps it should be. i need some sort of lingerie patch. i definitely have a problem.

the holidays & other big events

2004-12-21T19:58:00.000-05:00

everyone is asking me if i'm back in texas & i'm not. i'm still here in boston, massachusetts & i'm spending my first christmas away from home. i know it sounds lonely, but rest assured i'm all tucked in at my boyfriend's place drinking cup after cup of green tea nursing myself back to health. (i have a bit of a cold, you see). i've packed enough things for a thousand vacations, so i can't be bored with books, cable, video games & a nice stereo system. in fact, i haven't sat down and just listened to music in a long time -- when your head is swimming full of literature -- it either finds comfort in sitting down around silence or watching stand-up comedy. that's how i made it through this last semester -- a lot of guilty pleasures -- which included multiple trips to my favorite clothing store, H&M, to buy undies. i don't think i could have gotten through it all without a bit of reward.

so, there is no lack of christmas at this apartment, the gifts are collected in a little alcove in the entertainment center -- it's a shame we don't have a tree, but that doesn't mean there is not christmas cheer. afterall, just a walk outside and we see the white lights of the boston common -- one of my favorite sights of living here.

i know that i haven't been here for this lately -- no wild stories to relate, but i'm hoping that will change over the course of the month. i promise to bring pictures and snow and candy canes -- tiny treats for your tired hands and weary eyes. i've done so much writing this semester it feels like i never stop -- although, i never grow tired of it, only frustrated. so a bit more writing over the holiday is surely not going to kill me, i probably should be doing it anyways.

finally...recognition!

2004-12-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

I HAVE A HAIKU IN THE SAMPLER HAIKU CONTEST!!
please go vote for me!

the haiku:

punk rock DIY
the sampler has everything
coming to your door

& perhaps go enter your own -- who doesn't want 3 free months of the sampler?!

do good pt. 2

2004-12-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

oh yes, i forgot to tell you about this: so, i started off the year with an incident, i'd like to say that i didn't witness this one & no one got fired, but it was an incident! my boyfriend was riding the elevator when three freshman get on at the 5th floor, one of those goes look what i did earlier today with my bike & pushes the elevator door -- it starts to swing AND REMEMBER, the elevator is still moving to the lobby at this point. suddenly, the elevator starts shaking and stops, but goes to the 4th floor & stops. everyone escapes (and since i was sitting desk at the time) i see three people laughing and running to the door and my boyfriend comes to me & tells me what happened.

guess what fuckers? you broke the elevator!

i really don't know what's wrong with the world today.

do good

2004-12-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

i think i've done a lot of terrible things to people over the last semester, i've become such a nark! i had a run in with an awful security guard that called me passive aggressive & he can no longer work in my dorm. honestly, he wouldn't sign my boyfriend in properly and his job is ridiculously easy. but apparantly, this same security guard is well-known by emerson public safety for causing a ton of trouble -- so perhaps i don't feel so bad afterall. even if one of the other students came & talked to me about him and was like, "do you really want him to be fired?" i don't know -- i was a bit biased as the security guard not only smelled bad (like he hasn't showered in days) but was really creepy! although, i'm not someone to make a big deal if a big deal shouldn't be made. so, i was just doing my job as an emerson desk receptionist by reporting him for not doing his job. oh well.

& then another desk incident happened this saturday, where the boy (who just happens to be an RA) didn't show up for his shift. i probably wouldn't have minded so much if this was his first time, but this was the 4th time he had not shown up. it was just really aggrivating because i can't go around calling people at 10am to sit the shift, i'm basically stuck sitting 5 hours in a row (7am to 12pm) with only 3 hours of sleep. i ended up calling the desk cordinator and leaving a message with her telling her about it -- she has known about the previous incidents obviously & even helped me out in the past. so i just sat there with an angry look on my face reading Lizard by Banana Yoshimoto. finally, 20 minutes before the end of my second shift, the boy comes down looking really sad & says to me, "well, if it makes you feel any better, i lost my job" -- & i guess he can't be an RA anymore. i guess some ultimatum had been set if he missed anymore shifts or slipped up something he would lose his job. i felt really bad, just the look on his face. i don't know -- there are bad & good RAs and i don't really know if he was a good one or not, but he neglected his desk sitting job, which is part of the RA experience. i don't know if he's done anything else -- he's not my RA and i don't know the dorm gossip, but i do feel bad for the fellow. i don't think i could have stopped it from happening by not calling. he obviously felt really bad and even sat the last 20 minutes of the shift. poor lad.

i guess i wish people would do what their supposed to do. i think if you are a caring & considerate person, people definitely have more tolerance if you mess up. but even the nicest people get fed up with empty apologies. i'm sick of being stepped on as an individual, so i'm a bit heavy on the authority brakes. i take what i do seriously (or as seriously as humanly possible) and do what i can to help everyone else out. i just can't help but feel a bit bad about the incidents. nothing too heavy on my conscious, but it is there.

trust me, i'm not goody two shoes. this isn't high school anymore & i break as many rules as i can -- the secret is not to get caught!

now it's everywhere

2004-12-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

it's funny how you start talking about something wanting to happen & then it does. this silence thing is going to take some getting used to -- no tv at night and staying out of the dorm seem to be the best bets. even my neighbor isn't listening to loud music from morning to midnight lately. my semester ends in about a week. i'm holding my breath. i can't believe i'm not asking for incompletes and i'm not panicked at all -- i mean, i should be.

but i don't want to break this luck thing just yet by talking about it.

the rat's legs by russell edson

2004-12-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

i <3 intro to poetry!

enjoy the silence

2004-12-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

last night, there was no sound -- not even the low buzz of the refridgerator to fall asleep to. no showers. no elevator clicks. no locking doors. there was the sound of my own eardrums and at first, i didn't know what it was -- the quiet. surrounding me as i fell asleep. the first time in ages when i wasn't tossing and turning. i was still like everything else in the city.

thank you, boston.

turn off the bright lights

2004-12-07T17:23:00.000-05:00

i look out my window and i see street lights at 5pm, and tiny puddles collecting in the cracks of the sidewalk. i am tired of it all. for once, i want it to be completely dark at midnight & for people to stop having conversations outside of my window. i'm becoming tired of the city. i'm ready to move on. yesterday, i seriously said to my boyfriend, "let's go move into my house in pennsylvania -- just you and me."

my house in pennsylvania has been empty since the christmas of 1995. it's huge -- basement, patio, big front yard with a pine tree fence, rose bushes along the driveway, an attic, upstairs - 3 bedrooms, tons upon tons of room for just two people. THERE IS EVEN A LAUNDRY ROOM! & two dining areas. i'm surprised we haven't moved back there, but i don't control my family's decisions.

anyways, i think a lot of the reason i'm fed up is that it takes so much concentration to live in the city or else every fantastic thing about it passes you by. i'm too busy here. i'm doing classes and being in love. i'm trying to be a good sister. i'm tryign to many things to be distracted & the city distracts me. there's too much shopping, noises and bright lights!

i just want it to be quiet for two seconds. let me relax, take a bubble bath and let me turn off my mind.

but instead, it's raining which adds to the noise, but also adds another calm. the only calm i think the city gets. but what i'd like better is snow. one of the most beautiful things is to wake up in the morning and see everything covered in white -- untouched & gorgeous -- the city, a virgin.

& we know how often one can find one of those in the city. that's right, never.

no title necessary

2004-12-07T17:20:00.000-05:00

an endless love affair

2004-12-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

so, three years here! november 2001 - november 2004. with other bits scattered on livejournal. i feel like i've grown up right in front of everyone, even if i was 20 years old when i started. my whole self discovery is documented amongst the archives from childhood to my...am-i-really-an-adult-hood. people have told me they can't get through my past writing because it's incredibly boring & awful and nothing like how i write now -- it's true -- i've lost the girl i used to be. & i'm nothing like how i wanted to be back then -- trying to conform to be one of the non-comformists and then finally giving up and accepting myself. it was a long process -- one i'm still in.

i guess i just want to pat myself on the back for making it this far. honestly, i didn't think i could.

thanksgiving break in desoto, texas

2004-12-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

& to ed -- girl bits

2004-11-21T22:54:00.000-05:00

more at livejournal user:thedirtychisel

mornings to midnights

2004-11-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

i took a lot of photos over the course of last week, some of the icy roads, others of under my bed, on walks to & from class, in my pajamas, in the mornings & any time i felt needed to be documented to understand all the tiny things that are unique to boston and to me. i know this is not everything everyone asked for, but you have to give me some time. everything is just moving much too fast right now to keep up!

mouse in da hizzouse

2004-11-20T02:53:00.000-05:00

<

PHOTOGRAPHY BY [DAVID FROST]

ahem. i have to wake up in three hours, but i felt a VERY URGENT need to clean up my entire room, when i opened up my eyes and saw a small brown mouse scurrying across the clutter! i don't think it's here to stay, but it has me worried. my neighbors have a mouse & if they passed on their unwelcome houseguest to me, well, i'm going to be pissed! i adore mice; but, i just would rather have him in a glass cage then nibbling on my unmentionables.

blogger meme

2004-11-15T11:48:00.000-05:00

so, since i finally got myself a digital camera, please tell me what YOU, the reader, would like to see from the ever so exciting life of miss diana. hopefully, i'll have enough ideas by friday to go out on a hunt or you know, take pictures of my toes, if that is what you really want. so be inventive! remember, i live in a dorm, so don't get too fancy. i'll try my best though! i have a kitchen and almost everything at my fingertips, so if you want pictures of my kitchen or my desk or whatevs, just ask.

name dropping

2004-11-15T02:48:00.000-05:00

PLEASE check out the My My distro gallery for my picture! & if you see anything that strikes your fancy and you end up ordering $5 worth -- please mention my name -- diana r. from boston! thank you.

once upon a photobooth

2004-11-12T17:06:00.000-05:00

The mysterious boyfriend, Josh, of one of my good friends, Geerah, asked some good questions:

1) Over how long a period of time have you been collecting them?
I started Spring 2003, but most of them are from last year's school year.

2) Where were all these photobooths?
My main photobooth is in the city of Boston (& I don't feel comfortable giving away the exact whereabouts, because I'm afraid too many people will start going), another is in the children's museum & another (but it has since been removed) was in The Parks Mall in Arlington, TX. I also have some from when I was in Germany, but those are just single pose ones & not nearly as interesting. So technically, I have more than 50, not to mention I have given a few away and haven't liked at least two of them, which I let myself cut up and make crafty projects out of them.

3) What's up with that open spot?
well, when i was in texas last christmas, i started to miss the photobooth pretty badly, so my boyfriend decided to solve the problem for me.

4) How long until you break down and buy your own photobooth?
I've already looked into the cost of a photobooth. I've looked on EBAY and can't find what I want, so until I find a real steal, I'm not going to get one. Also, I like to just spend a ridiculous amount of money per month & this helps me reach my quota.

5) Do photos steal your soul?
No, they capture it! So, they ask permission first & only hold it for a short time -- mere seconds -- and then they return it. Or perhaps, it's more like Pokemon.

6) What's the secret behind a good photo booth picture?
I have no secret, but I know that other people do. I like having props sometimes, but being spontaneous is fun too. I normally go in there with at least some sort of idea of what I would like to do -- some sort of rough theme. I say have fun and move about some. I like standing on the stool or standing up and just having bits of me showing, and am really tempted to stand outside the booth and peek in through the curtains from that way, but my booth is too overpopulated for that move.

7) Have you contemplated selling them as stylish bookmarks?
I have thought about making a book with my collected works in them or at least a photobooth zine, but it looks like I have been beaten already & probably several times. (photobooth zine #2 & photobooth centerfold) Although, I know there are several books out on the market already --
photobooth pictures by andy warhol, photobooth by babbette hines & Hilhaven Lodge: The Photo Booth Pictures by Bret Ratner and Robert Evans.

8)Which strip is your favorite?

9) Color or black and white?
Sometimes the black & white booths have images that can come out too dark, but if they are just perfect they are my favorite. I mainly use colour because that booth is the closest to home.

10) Is there a photo booth you've heard about but haven't had a chance to visit?
I saw a girl in Germany with a ton of photobooth strips in her clear plastic tote bag, and asked her if she spoke English & she did (kinda) and she told me where it was, but she didn't know exactly which city it was in & basically, it was no help at all, but these strips have a bit bigger pictures and they are horizontal instead of vertical & I WANT SOME REAL BAD!

as of november 11, 2004

2004-11-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

yeah, that's 50!

that's right, dorothy, this ain't kansas

2004-11-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

living in a dorm is not like living at home. at home, you can disregard manners, but in the dorm, it's just right to act nice and kind. for instance, when every single dryer is empty, why pull someone else's clothes out of the dryer? i understand if every single one is full (& even then i feel guilty doing so) pulling clothes out of the dryer, BUT SO WHAT -- i cannot make it down the stairs as soon as the damn thing finishes. i'm sorry dear miss/sir that i cannot be as attentive as you, who i saw using almost every bloody washer for their entirely too big of a wardrobe for college. who do you think you are? God!?

so yes, more about dorm living. sometimes you have an itch for some music, so you can play some at a decent volume. NOT LOUD ENOUGH TO SHAKE THE WALLS OF YOUR NEIGHBOR! also, just because it is friday night, does not give you the excuse to talk loudly out in the hallway. some people still have to wake up at 7am to go desk sit, so crazy people and hobos do not attempt to make a nest in one of the unused stairwells of the dorm. thankyouvermuch.

i swear no one has common sense! & yes, i have listened to my music at deafening levels IN THE AFTERNOON! and yes, sometimes i'm a bit moan-y during sex, BUT IF I AM IN MY GODDAMN ROOM IN A DORMITORY I KNOW TO KEEP MYSELF QUIET! no one knows when to stop and when enough is enough. this is not your home. you are living with other people. THIS IS NOT EVEN AN APARTMENT. we all have to see you everday, so please do not make us hate you.

also, just because the kitchen is not your VERY OWN, it does not give you the right to not clean out the microwave after you use it and to wash the pots and pans as well. i mean, if you used them, why should someone else clean them up? seriously, the nerve of college students. it's one thing to make a mess in your own room, but to make a mess out of a community kitchen, it's absurd.

also, sharing a bathroom with men is disgusting. i cannot even bring myself to enter one of the bathrooms on this floor. honestly, i have taken two showers in there & i'm scared. i think of germs immediately. also, it's a community bathroom, so why store your toothbrush in there? honestly, i would be too paranoid to do that. i would be afraid someone would find out it was my toothbrush that hated me and use it to clean the toilet or something awful like that. maybe i have an overactive imagination, but seriously, watch out for your health and well-being!

i'm glad i get out of here soon. i'm too old for this shit. in fact, i never acted like this! NOT ONE YEAR OF MY LIFE. BE CONSIDERATE, ASSHOLE!

the days of the week

2004-11-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

i can't decide what my favorite days of the week are yet. i'm very fond of thursday, it's not quite the weekend yet, but you have that same bit of anticipation and longing and i like to long for things. liking fridays is such a cliche. weekends move too quickly, so i like to take my time with them. savor each and every drop of friday-saturday-sunday before it ends at the strike of midnight that third night. so by liking thursday, i've given myself more time of the weekend to enjoy.

i'm not like a BU student though. i don't party on thursday. i sleep on thursday.

i often crave tuesday and thursdays because those are the days of 2 o'clock classes and sleeping in and cuddling with my boyfriend all night long. sickening, yes i know. it's the kind of days that make me want to wake up early and make him a brown bag lunch and send him off to work with a kiss on the lips and a pat on the tush. it's true, i want to wear stripes and high heels in the kitchen and pretend i'm in the 50s. i'm so nostalgic and old-fashioned in those regards. although, strictly speaking, i have an eye for tradition, it doesn't mean i follow it.

i think i can find at least one good thing about every day of the week except for monday. not just because it's monday, but because it holds the dreaded american literature class, the first of the week, which is always more painful. it also wakes up that part of my brain that there will be at least two days of this awful class & then right after that class, i go to counseling. there is not one good to comed out of the day, but even then, i end up at my boyfriend's place, where he makes me dinner and i get to sleep in the next day.

so i don't know.

funny that when i started writing all this, i wanted to complain about how cold today was and how i didn't feel well and every single bad thing that happened to me today. how i want to cut out my uterus and throw it in the rubbage bin. but no, i lost myself in the days of the week. i'm like a fucking sesame street special or something.

shoot & click: Tina McClelland

2004-11-08T16:27:00.000-05:00

last night i couldn't sleep & i found myself searching through endless websites till my eyes could no longer stare at the screen. the best things are often found when you aren't looking for them, and i came across this fantastic site -- eros guide, an erotic e-zine. here i found a photographer that charmed me. her name is tina mcclelland and i want to be just like her. she doesn't just photograph nudes, but also musicians. we all know that rock n' roll was all about sex anyways.

i posted this in my other livejournal in a more XXX format, but everything here is just beautiful on the eyes. i didn't want anyone to miss out on how fabulous of a photographer this woman is, and how even after just looking at her site i started to think about photography in a different way. last night, i picked up my joycam and just clicked till there no pictures left. sometimes it's fun to take your time and plan out your photos, and other times it's fun to just point and shoot. you end up with some interesting results. but those are stored away for another time. now, on with tina...

self-portraits

British photographer Tina McClelland captures the fleeting sadness in beautiful women like herself and the dynamic energies of superstar musicians. She says, "I don't go out of my way to provoke any kind of reaction from my subjects, but I always manage to get something that could reflect sadness or loneliness from them. I guess they are emotions which interest me the most. Such emotions are there in everyone, we've all got issues, but it comes and goes within seconds. That's the beauty of this medium, as told many times before: capturing a moment in time that passes so quickly it's hard to register with the naked eye."
~http://www.eros-guide.com/articles/2004-03-23/tina0323/ & tina's site

just felt it

2004-11-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

english version.

this weekend i found the japanese version of make way for ducklings, which thrilled me till i realized i hadn't even read the original. but i still bought it.

later this week, i'll make some scans of the japanese version.

the weekend is a wonderful thing

2004-11-07T18:36:00.000-05:00

random

out with the old

& in with the new

i know you can't tell that i got a haircut, but it feels shorter when i wash it. she didn't cut as much off as i wanted, but i didn't know i wanted that much cut off till i left the chair. this weekend i saw shaun of the dead again & ate chinese food. yeah, those are the highlights.

talking about highlights, i'm using a kit sometime very soon to make my hair all streaky. oooh!

look what's in the sky!

2004-11-06T10:57:00.000-05:00

from the boston common & gardens

from my bedroom window

yesterday, when i looked up into the sky, i knew i had to take pictures. the wind was blowing fiercely and the clouds were perfect. i saw upturned trash cans littering the streets, and it was no use trying to chase them down. everyone was holding onto their hats as they trudged through tiny leafy tornados. it's hard to catch motion when your fingers are too numb to push the shutter.

yesterday made me think, why do i love this time of year so much? it's certainly not the weather. & i smiled.

after my 2pm class

2004-11-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

my mom made a big order at office depot and got me a brand new HP printer/scanner/fax/copier and a Canon PowerShot A75. i was quite shocked that she had gotten me a digital camera, because we had talked about it, but i wasn't sure if i was going to get one. my sister is the one that asked, but i'm the one testing it out. i'm supposed to keep it a secret and i suppose she'll be getting her own sometime around christmas. hooray for being the big sister!

i didn't go to class yesterday. i couldn't lift my head off the pillow. i had one of those nights where everything was making me cry -- the election, my face, the computer screen -- soon i had to turn off the computer entirely. dave called me right away to talk me out of it, even though i didn't want to hear anyone's voice, especially his. i'm so irrational when i get depressed. i can't even answer "what's wrong?" because i don't know why. i just get into this mood and it spirals and it doesn't stop. it's terrible. i feel a lot better today.

i'm moving very slowly lately. i need to take my time and focus on school work. there are so many other things i want to be doing right now, but i don't have the heart. i really wish i could make myself better, but i can't rush it. i have to wait it out. i think i was moving too fast and it all came flooding back -- all the bad memories were just too much for me. so this time, i'm doing everything one at a time and i'm going to get to it, but it might take days and weeks for me to finish.

i'm such a turtle.

just a tiny dot on the map

2004-11-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

at night, i always want to reach out and touch his back. trace my finger up and down the curves of his shoulder blades and along his spine. i always pull back. at night, i stay awake and listen to his breath -- in and out -- and wonder if he knows i'm listening and he's being a fake. but he's really asleep. he sound so calm. at night, i grind my teeth away to tiny stubs and he wakes me, scared that my teeth will turn to dust. every night i go to sleep & think, tonight i am stress-free i will not grind my worries away, except that it's become part of my nightly routine -- toss, turn & grind grind grind. readjust and grind.

every morning i wake up with headaches. my gums are sore. my body is at war with itself. it's fighting all sorts of things. i take pills in the morning and the night. i've confused the poor dear. but what am i supposed to do? the same things that are saving me are killing me. is there no middle ground? i've become just like the USA -- the red states vs. the blue states -- and why did we try so hard to win the civil war? we are slowly killing each other.

one morning i'm going to wake up with a handful of teeth in my palms.

formerly formerly

2004-11-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

you might have visited {a polka dot} before as:

grrrl on the run (2001)

searching for a punk of my own... (2001)

the hipster brigade (2001-2004)

adventures of turtle (2004)

now i'm a different girl with different needs. welcome {a polka dot} as your new diana daily digest. it's almost my 3 year anniversary.

like an apple peel

2004-11-03T01:04:00.000-05:00

while i was carrying boxes away from the mailroom this afternoon, quite lovely packages and good news, i ran my finger into several doorways causing it to swell, turn purple and bleed. now my finger is still throbbing hours later.

instead of biting my nails off at the quick, i decided to masturbate and close my eyes and fantasize a better world. it didn't work.

& i didn't vote today. i know that a lot of people will get mad when i post that, but i didn't. but i'm not in a swing state and i know my vote counts, but the electoral college gets me down whenever i think about voting. also, i'm a bit scared to vote. and although, i knew exactly what candidate i would have chosen, i don't know a damn thing about him. i just know he lives in beacon hill and that his house is beautiful. he probably has far too little books for the at-home library, and he needs to give his house to me. politics make me nervous.

i feel so guilty now. it's ridiculous. i feel like i'm an awful person for not voting, but it doesn't even go by the popular vote! some days i want to move away from america and go live in a posh neighborhood in the UK and write for NME.

her lips tasted like cinnamon

2004-11-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

happy (belated) halloween

2004-11-01T23:09:00.000-05:00

1. my boyfriend's apartment.
2. my friend nikki and i.

Billy Corgan, again

2004-11-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get a little caught up in things and forget to post about my stupid life. Back in the middle of October, I got to meet Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins fame again. He was signing copies of his new poetry book, Blinking with Fists. I was 6th in line and waited for 4 hours. It was worth it.

I never thought I would meet him the first time, the second time was give or take, but a third time is a dream come true. Not everyone gets to meet their teenage idol in person. I've been really lucky -- thrice.

Diana, Let's Go

2004-11-01T08:50:00.000-05:00

there are a lot of things that bother me about the world today -- road rage, starbucks, Ambercrombie & Fitch - but none of them bother me as much as someone telling me how to write and when to let go. first of all, i am not embarrassed about who i am or the choices i make. i am someone that thinks about consequences and doesn't hold back one ounce of her personality. yeah yeah, if you don't know me, it's hard to read anyone through text. it comes out jumbled and awkward. i make inside jokes. i make references you don't understand, but sometimes this is not for everyone to understand. it's for me to understand myself. my writing has always been my one outlet -- the way i express myself -- the way that fingers, lips and voice have always failed for me. which is not to say i'm dumb, but that sometimes i can say it better written down on a page. it's hard to say what i think of myself and what i think of my writing on here, i'm too much a part of what goes on in this thing. i can't tear it apart, because this is everything to me. this is me. i can't see it the way other people do, because i'm not them and this is me telling you. does that make sense?

i think there's something innocent and appealing about being vague. like i'm not pushing something because i do not want to do it. compare me to sabrina, which a lot of people do, well she is full of vague things, but it sounds like she is telling you the whole truth, when teh whole time she is dancing around it. that is how she works. i know, because i'm good friends with sabrina. i also know that we write in/express ourselves in very different ways. i'm also someone that has lost a lot of friends due to the words expressed here, which doesn't mean i take them back, but that i had handled the situation better. sometimes people take words too seriously, and instead of asking me, take things for truth that might be fictionalized.

that's what i do -- write fiction. that's my job as a writer! that's why i'm in the classes that i'm taking and paying over 30,000 dollars a year to do so. honestly, if you don't like the way i write, don't come here, and we'll both be happy.

this is more about me than it is about you. i hope you can accept that.

p.s. i am not the second coming of sabrina!

what goes on inside her head

2004-10-31T01:02:00.000-05:00

lately, i've had my mind on vacation & other things of luxury. i've been reading about the lives of bebe buell & courtney love -- two badass chicks -- that make me want to be all sassy. although, i have to admit that i'm much too sweet for that. i'd crumble under pressure. i can't go around saying fuck you to everyone and fucking rock stars. it's too much work. i need an office job with a tight schedule and perhaps some fancy dinner parties. i wish i was this sex glam rock vixen, but i'm lackluster teen queen wannabe that hides under her bangs all day. although, i have to say that it's a comfortable position and i'm not crawling out from under my shell any time soon. i prefer a quiet life with small treasures.

but one day, maybe i'll make a transformation. although, you'll never see me in head to toe leather, it goes against my morals.

such a longing for love poetry

2004-10-26T23:13:00.000-04:00

updated because i felt like it

2004-10-25T02:00:00.000-04:00

it's 2am and my hair is wet and dripping down my back. i'm supposed to be in bed, but i couldn't sleep. i just recovered from a slight panic attack given to me by an ex-close friend. i didn't even have to talk to her, just read some words, and there i was grabbing my chest and gasping for air. i can't really talk about it. i just felt nervous, guilty, anxious and sick to my stomach. a combination of everything awful. i wonder if that is what a heart attack feels like?

today. sunday. yesterday. whatever. the weekend flew by so quickly, and i spent it reading The Bucher Boy by Patrick McCabe and i'm supposed to hate it/despite it, but i love it so much. i couldn't stop reading even if it made me antsy and hungry while i read along. well, the text didn't make me do that, just the act of sitting and concentrating so hard.

i'm trying to write this entry right off the top of my head, so if it seems jumpy and rambling that's why. normally, there's some sort of formula and idea. i come here and type a title first and then go from there. titles are very important to me and normally are the whole reasons for entries. i try not to write stupid little things here & keep that for my livejournal, but i wonder if this is just lacking in content and maybe i'll tell the world that i had a milk shake for lunch. maybe that's what i feel like doing anyhow. i don't care if no one reads this anymore. no one does anyway. where did my readers go?

i can't entertain an audience. i would make a terrible actress.

death at emerson

2004-10-21T21:40:00.000-04:00

It is with great sorrow that we inform the community of the death of Victoria Snelgrove, ’06. Victoria died on Thursday, October 21 as a result of injuries sustained during celebratory activities in the Kenmore Square area after the Boston Red Sox game. Victoria was a Journalism student who had transferred to Emerson in the fall of 2003.She was 21 years old and resided in East Bridgewater, Mass.

In light of this incident, classes tomorrow, October 22, will not be held.

--------
heart breaking.

website of the day

2004-10-20T21:38:00.000-04:00

http://www.librariansagainstbush.org/

discover eric hutchinson

2004-10-20T01:07:00.000-04:00

eric hutchinson is pretty good.

is he coming to your school? go check the tour dates and if so, go see the man! he is an emerson alum and i think he's quite brilliant. seriously, i used to sit feet away from him and watch him eat breakfast/lunch/dinner. not to mention, he would play open mics quite a bit. go listen to snippets of his cd as well! rock n roll is the best song you'll never hear on the radio.

p.s. you don't really think i have this blog to write about myself, do you?

shy

2004-10-14T20:38:00.000-04:00

it had been so long since his hands were on me. the last time a hug in the airport, one where i didn't want to let go, to walk towards the gates. something around 4 months later, i knew that i would want him again. i wanted so badly for his lips to be on mine, his hands roaming under my shirt, pinching nipples and breathing in my ear as i moaned back into his. there were some days where i couldn't take it anymore. where i touched myself thinking about him -- his cock in me -- and the days i would have to wait till i could feel his weight crushing me. the comfort of his movements of hands, hips and thighs. everything touching.

then the jitters started. what if things were different? i was scared that things had changed between us and the passion that was there before would be gone the second time around. would he feel the same? would things feel the same between us? it was the night before coming back to boston, and i couldn't sleep anticipating our next moves. i couldn't wait to see him, touch him.

i remember his swagger. he doesn't walk. he strides confidently towards me and he presses his hands against my back and his lips against mine. there's a crowd, but he doesn't care. and the heat feels so good. he feels so good. i know i want him, but i'm shy.

when it's just the two of us on my new dorm bed with the squeaky plastic matress, i can't remember what to do. i can't remember what he likes and what he doesn't. but it all sinks back into me, but i'm shy. i don't know if it's okay to kiss him and touch him again. it's been so long. too long and i have to learn it all over again. i have to get used to his breath, his lips, his hands & his touch. his weight on me doesn't feel the same as i remember -- there's something different -- but who says that it's bad? he has hips that i don't remember. bones that i don't remember being able to feel. he's been working out and he's hard all over.

the kisses take time to warm up to. it's like visiting home for the first time in months and it feels different even it nothing has changed. i feel like it's the very first time all over again. like this is our first kiss in that kitchen, the night that i was a bit too drunk and you were eager to touch me and you said i moved my leg up and down yours. everything feels warm & tight & new.

when he slips into me, it hurts and i want to say no. but instead, i take it in and i move with him. he has to move slowly, make me used to him again. his size, strength and weight. it's all new. soon, i want him harder and there are only yes's and moans and oh god's. i don't want him to stop, because when he pulls out there feels like something is missing. i need to be filled up. always.

we fuck. over and over. each time, moving with him, because it's pain and pleasure. it's been too long and my body has forgotten what it feels like to be filled. what it's like not to be empty.

in bed

2004-10-14T20:32:00.000-04:00

what was he thinking when he left this morning? he couldn't trust me alone in such a warm space with such quiet surrounding my every moment -- no tvs on, no music blasting & no streaming sunlight to disturb my sleep. eventually, i knew i'd have to wake up but i also knew that i wasn't going to go to class today. i knew that i was going to get up in the late afternoon and lie around in my pajamas and maybe not eat dinner till really really late and visit the photobooth on my way back home.

i'm wearing the softest pair of tights right now, and it makes me want to forever be in long skirts and button-up blouses. there are days when i'm so in love with being a woman that it's almost sickening. it's like i've caught some girly disease and i can't wait to get pregnant and raise children and bake cookies. then i snap back into reality and i know that those things are a long time in coming and that's okay. it's really really okay. although, i can still bake cookies and dunk them in whole milk.

i've got to remind myself that i'm 23 and i hate to see myself "settling down" but i think that's what i've been craving. i'm so alive right now, and my mind is peaceful. i'm not searching for any new ideas or looking for flaws in the world. i'm in love and that's okay.

i talk about love so much in here that i'm afraid i'm losing my audience. i really can't help talking about love & sex & every changing emotions. i seem so up and down that unless i write it down the second i think it, it might change. i really don't like change.

tiny pleasures & big thank you's

2004-10-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

{stay till you're sure that i'm asleep -- drawings by tim cook}

friends do brilliant things, yes

2004-10-13T03:21:00.000-04:00

{picture taken by insane tinkerbell}

"petting a cat is kind of like making out with a girl. you like it a lot, but after a while, you sort of get bored and want something more satisfying to do. only she wants more of that. or sometimes she doesnt want anything to do with you."
~Skyler

"Usually when I pet my cat, she starts licking my arm and I get weirded out. That's never happened when I was making out with a girl, but I'm sure I'd get just as weirded out."
~Barrios

please buy me political panties

2004-10-13T02:48:00.000-04:00

axis of eve

my tea is much too sweet

2004-10-12T22:12:00.000-04:00

not just about the fists

2004-10-12T01:53:00.000-04:00

there are many wonderful things in the air right now. so many things i have figured out over just three short days -- drinking even small amounts of alcohol has a terrible effect on me, candle pin bowling is awesome, html is a mystery, vanilla coke is not for squares, shopping with your boyfriend is quite fun, always watch your soda bottle while opening it, sometimes the small clouds win, benjamin franklin is not boring, felicity is used too often in american literature, indian food should not be served by pissy hispanics that just want to go home, dark corners make me sleepy, garlic is an exotic spice, blueberry pancakes are the food of the god's & i act like i've been married for years, except for all the sex.

i haven't had much time for homework, housework or reading. yes, they are all very important and my recent purchase of a my little pony set is probably not going to help this matter, but i want people to know that i'm on my toes daily. i'm working things out with my writing organization here at school (& i'm trying to be a good, interesting president), and it's taking me awhile to get into things but school work is becoming a bit easier and i'm psyched for my classes, at least most of them. i'm trying to be more excited about everything lately, because i have been feeling a bit down. i know that things are not as bad as they seem. i know i'm not an ugly failure that can't even open a soda without spilling it on herself. i'm really trying to see at least the brighter side of things. or at least, stay in the shadows, not in the dark.

i'd like to say that i got an A on my last poem about the blue tile. it took 12 rewrites to come up with that final version and it made me pretty excited to finally get something i deserved. my short story made my writing professor excited, which in turn, made me more excited about writing new pieces. i have exciting new books i need to get read: the big bang by the writers of nerve and blinking with fists by billy corgan -- WHO IS COMING TO BOSTON ON THE 15TH OF OCTOBER -- YES, THAT IS FRIDAY!! & i must start saving money.

now i think i've said it all for today. goodnight.

the summer & the fall so far

2004-10-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

another night of sweet dreams

2004-10-12T01:02:00.000-04:00

||araki nobuyoshi

fucked up

2004-10-08T02:32:00.000-04:00

i really wanted to write this entry in the third person, because i have a hard time saying what i want to say sometimes. those feelings that i've been having about "the missing" feel like they have gone, which is fantastic. i'm glad that i don't feel like a big black hole with nowhere to turn. i felt very unhappy that i couldn't figure out what was keeping me down. although, nothing gets me down a lot of the time. it's hard to explain to someone that i get sad over nothing. i can't help it. sometimes i just like to be down & out and upset. i think crying is the next best thing to the orgasm, but that's probably just me.

-----------------------------------------------
i've known for a long time that i'm easily threatened by other women. i don't know why, but i feel very insecure about other girls. i think because i have so few female friends that i believe everyone wants to have what i have or is jealous of me or wants something from me. i think women are evil and i don't know why. i want to feel comfortable around them. it's just i never was the girl that the boys always wanted. i always had to work so much harder to be desirable and accepted. i still feel ugly even if today i was hit on in the boston common, and many men looked and whistled at me. i mean i should not feel this way, but i can't make it go away. not yet. i don't feel safe yet with myself. it's only sometimes. i certainly don't feel attacked all the time, but i feel needy.

i guess i don't know why i feel the way that i do. i just want it to go away, because it interfers with way that i feel a lot of the time, which IS SAFE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE. i wish i knew how to make it go away, but right now his arms wrapped tightly around me and the look in his eyes are enough. i know he loves me and i'm not afraid. not anymore.

no peeping

2004-10-07T18:28:00.000-04:00

haiku polaroid fairy tale

2004-10-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

typing empty words
the game over guitar fuzz
she's not the winner

at night, i can't sleep and i spend a lot of time trying to figure things out. i'm starting to feel a bit more even, which really makes me happy. i got told to smile again today -- "it'll make you live longer" -- a physician told me that, so perhaps i should take her advice. she also told me i was healthy and pink, and although i figured nothing was wrong with me -- it was my first time & i was nervous.

i found out that i have a subtle heart murmur. she told me it was nothing to worry about and she could only tell when i was lying down. this might be why i run out of breath so easily. i haven't had a serious check-up in a long time, because i'm scared of doctors but she makes me want to visit them more often. she is a sweet kind woman! i wish the world was full of people like her. i might be able to make it through the day without being irritated.

i'm sending out some mail today, which makes me very happy.

i'm drinking a starbucks doubleshot for the very first time, and they aren't that bad. i have to say i was a bit frightened to try one, but they aren't as strong as i thought they would be. i bet real italian expresso is so much better. i think anything that is made in italy is so much better, but apparantly my sister tells me otherwise. my sister is in school in rome, in case you didn't know.

i have two workshops in a row this week. i have one this afternoon after my latest short story, and another tomorrow on a poem. the second one, "please no diamonds" and i'm a bit nervous about both. i'm always scared of workshop, especially my fiction one, since there is a this pretentious boy who sits to my right and says things like, "this is complete fodder!" and things like that. very unconstructive. i think if you are going to put something down, you might as well say, "well, this is a good idea, but you could really spice it up here and here and here." saying the comments he says, do not help anyone become a better writer and that's why we are taking the class! oh, such boneheads!

& now off to the land of the postal office.

please remember, i'm an amateur

2004-10-06T20:31:00.000-04:00

I turned both of these in to my Intro to Poetry class. Mind you, I am no poet. Although, the professor particularly enjoyed the first piece, and my second piece gets workshopped on Friday. i'm pretty excited about it all. i really am having to start a greater appreciation of poetry, even if it takes me days and hours to write one (pretty short) poem.

Our first assignment had to have a reference to music in it, and the second one was a free -- our choice -- poem. I haven't sat down to revise the first one, which i fully intend on doing, so i can get a better grade in the class. please remember that poetry is not necessarily about the author, and that there is always narrator of the poem. (but seriously, who are we kidding. we know that these are about me 'in a way').

Never Ahead

David is home
turns on the game
and I roll my eyes,
turn up the HiFi
I am trying to write,
I yell
I AM – he turns it off
and I can hear him whistling
over the guitar fuzz
and I twist down the dial
and the room belongs to him again
his team is winning
but my paper is still blank

Please No Diamonds

I have a key
for when you aren’t home
because I’m afraid
you’ll think I’m silly
staring at the blue
in your bathroom
the turquoise tile
better than any ring
you could give me

I’m never here
when you return

where does it go?

2004-10-06T02:29:00.000-04:00

i have misplaced my time. i feel constantly overwhelmed and i'm slowly losing it. i cannot stop spending money on zines & materials for writing letters. i must stop this habit. i feel like something is missing and i want to buy new sheets, book shelves and storage cubbies in order to fill that empty void. i feel like everything is starting to fit, but as much as i feel like school is "no big deal" -- it still does not feel right at all. i'm still overwhelmed by the tiniest of details.

i skipped counseling this week, which i doubt was a very good idea. i'm also getting my girl parts checked out for the very first time. i have avoided the gynecologist for way too long and it's time to do something about it. i also started taking birth control, because i'm not ready for babies. i don't know if i'll ever be ready for babies, but i think one day, i may want to have children. one day in the long time future.

i went to the photobooth the other day (october 4) in a very long time and my hair is so long now. i have over 40 strips on my wall now and it's this history of my hair and it's strange. i can't decide if i'm just going to let it grow and grow and grow of if i want to chop it off. i think sometimes i just like things the way they used to be and i don't like change very much.

my favorite times lately have been when i'm with my boyfriend. it's just been nice to have him by my side while i do homework and he watches the tv on mute and surfs the internet. i also watched him play video games the other day, and it made me miss super nes very badly and how often i used to use video games as some sort of release from just the daily hardships. i miss that.

i miss my cds very much. i cannot believe i thought i could get through without them here with me. i don't think i'm going to be able to make it much longer without them by my side! please send me mix tapes/cds. i will forever love you!

i'm starting to think of my future apartment with my boyfriend, and how our books will be forced together on the same shelf. there's something about that image that makes me smile. i love the idea of our things together. i think they will live quite happily sharing the same shelf.

i want cloud stamps. & this is all for tonight.

BEAUTY QUEEN

2004-10-05T17:25:00.000-04:00

the buttons

2004-10-03T19:52:00.000-04:00

i like being the last one in the elevator. lonely elevators are one of the most underrated simplest things in the universe. sometimes i pace and other times i just let out a scream. i suppose they're hear me as a i pass by the floor -- speaking to myself and counting out the errands that i have to get through for the rest of the day. there's just something really peaceful about an empty elevator.

also, i'm quite fond of being pushed up against the sides of elevators for long passionate stolen kisses. & a quick feel! but that's just the kind of girl i am.

OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS FULL OF SWEETNESS AND SUGAR

2004-10-01T22:58:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU SEXY SCOTTISH ACCENT STEVE!

the dirty truth

2004-10-01T17:41:00.000-04:00

i'm really fucking tired of blog templates and the search for free ones that look remotely decent. since i don't know html, i really need someone's help. i'll repay you with kindness or brownies or something. we'll think of some sort of deal, but i have an idea and i need someone's help to make it happen, but i'm thinking of something that looks like this:

screenshot taken from girl swirl zine

i'm really interested in dotted boxes for each entry and maybe a few more on the side with a possible image above the boxes on the side as well. maybe the image could be this:

if i knew how to actually use photoshop to cut out the ladies and the umbrella, i would do that to help speed up the process, but yes. i'm also thinking of a name change, because i'm not sure if turtle is cutting it for me nowadays. yeah, sure i'm turtle-like. i have always been this way. i will always stay in my shell to some extent, but i'd really like to be called, "polka dots and umbrellas" or something like that. maybe i can just change the name back to "the hipster brigade," but i need a new change or else i'm going to lose it. i guess this is a lot to ask of my 5 loyal readers, but please, do me a fucking favor, folks. i'm open to suggestions.

thank you

2004-09-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

expect something new sometime soon.
i'm starting to sound like a fortune cookie.

lucky numbers:
19, 22, 34, 16, 7, 43

-------------------------------------------
thank you, suileabháin!

the fall

2004-09-29T18:59:00.000-04:00

it's really starting to feel like fall here. it smells like open air and falling leaves. i'm exciting for the upcoming weather and the crunching sad, but am sad for the days of short sleeves and even shorter skirts. i guess i'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. i plan to buy lots of wooly tights to help keep my legs warm during the coolest of months & so i can still show them off in my skirts. such a terrible obsession, i know.

i think there are some friendships that are too lost to be found again. almost like it's just not worth picking up a pen to write it down, because in the end, you know you'll never make it in the new yorker. i don't know. i just wish things didn't have to end this way.

i am wearing mittens in my room and cursing the absense to able to control the heat in my room! damn you emerson college! i'm also holding back from buying things online just so i get some mail delivered. i can't think of anything sadder than an empty mailbox. except for maybe an empty heart.

p.s. look up there at my face! i am breaking out and have bruises on my thighs. i'm falling to pieces. this is not the way i wanted to go.

hello hello

2004-09-27T01:40:00.000-04:00

i don't have the same interest in blogs that i once had not too long ago. i don't feel i have the time to keep up, and it seems that all my favorite people have gotten lives or no longer have the urge to write. it doesn't mean i'll abandon this, because i'm much too stubborn, but i spend too much time on livejournal nowadays. although, blogger is so close to my heart -- introduced to me from an ex-lover/boyfriend -- and it'll remian that way through time. it's amazing to me that this is almost my fourth year(?) writing here.

i've kissed 19 boys in all the time i've had this little thing. that seems like such a large number. sometimes i feel like a whore.

i've gone and come back and gone and come back. i feel like every person that has been reading this has seen every up and down i've already gone through. i'm not sure if anyone actually "knows" me, but someone out there might feel some sort of connection, a slight pull at the heart strings. i always say that this was never meant to entertain, at least, not in its present state. long ago, i used to write to an audience.

mainly men.

figures, i can't attract a single soul in real life, but somehow a few black words in some out of date font can attract a lot of bachelors. although, i'm so happy where i'm at, which perhaps scares me just a bit. i think sometimes i would rather be alone than have the greatest person by my side. i'm so scared of destroying what's there. that he'll wake up one morning and find that i'm not the person he thought i was. i wonder if that feeling will ever go away?

on a happier note:

skip hero,
& see shaun of the dead.

that is all.

is anybody out there?

2004-09-24T01:23:00.000-04:00

hello,

are you okay? i'm not doing so well. i feel a bit sick to my stomach and my head hurts. i have the window open but i'm burning up. i toss and turn at night and i feel a bit too aware of my teeth touching. i grit and grind them all night long in the hopes that one day they will lie flat against each other.

i feel a bit overwhelmed even when i have nothing to do. i always feel overwhelmed. i can only handle one problem at a time, and this needs to be resolved. life doesn't let you handle one thing at a time. you have to be able to multi-task in sensory overload. i don't do very well in that. in fact, i flunked right out.

sometimes i just don't have anything to say, and the things i do have to say, i don't know how to say in english or any other language. i can say it in small touches to your face, soft kisses to your neck and looking deep into your eyes.

do you ever wake up so in love that you feel like you might explode? everyday i feel a little too full of it. it disgusts me. i want it out. i never asked for this. i think often of just him and i alone together holding hands -- just the two of us -- where nothing can get to us. like a vacation from everything and everyone. i think it would do us some good to relax.

sometimes i want to stop time and touch your hips -- slide them over and over your bones -- and kiss your soft lips. i feel embarrassed full of rough skin, acne and oily hair. i want to be your perfect doll. i like that you say i'm beautiful always. today, when i looked in the mirror, i saw past the blotches and to the center of my eyes and exclaimed, "i am beautiful." which felt really nice. even i was impressed how well the pictures came out.

i am 23 and i feel like i have everything figured out, except i have no job, i'm still in school and i'm over my head in debt. i just know things will work out, because who could stop us? i think i talk about us too much. perhaps i should stop. i just don't know how.

what a dirty mind

2004-09-23T11:43:00.000-04:00

suehiro maruo
pick me out a costume on trashy dot com! i'm just curious how trashy everyone thinks i am. haha

the ladybird

2004-09-20T01:25:00.000-04:00

brand new polaroids taken with matte film.

scarf weather is almost upon us

2004-09-19T21:32:00.000-04:00

how do you explain love

2004-09-17T22:40:00.000-04:00

i couldn't see him last night. i cannot see him tonight. and i know tomorrow when i embrace him, i'll fall in love all over again. i'm wishing there wasn't an important game tonight and i find it quite comforting that he's still talking to me on AIM, when he should be fully concentrated on baseball. i want to be there with him holding his hand and watching him smile widely when they score another run.

except this time it's a little different. i just want it to be us, no noise, holding hands, and just talking like we normally do. and he tells me about his day and about something he heard on the tv and maybe he'll drop in a funny joke or two and probably bring up something he heard maybe years ago. he seems to know everything about everything and it's quite charming. it's not pushy and he doesn't act like a know-it-all. often i feel like he looks up to me. that somehow i have something that he wants, and i'm still trying to figure out what he is lacking. he seems to have everything. to me, he is perfect.

i remember walking with him lost in the streets of boston one night -- last year -- post halloween. & telling him i didn't believe in love and that i couldn't trust someone and every fucking issue i've ever had with every single person that has ever dated me or how i seem to "fall in love" with all the wrong people, except i don't know it till it hurts them and it haunts me. then somehow i find myself feeling comfortable with him. i find i'm asking myself, "do i love him?" but not wanting to say it. maybe i was wrong. how could i tell?

all my friends knew. seems like everyone knew before me.

i guess what i'm saying and i know no words can be perfect, but i wish he was right here right now and every single other romantic cliche in the book. it feels so strange to be just one now. it's not like i'm dependent on him, but it just feels right. it just feels like how things are supposed to be. and i think the reason people say, "i don't remember what life was like before you," is that you really do start to forget. it's not that love is consuming your life, but it just is.

is is.

so curious, yeah right

2004-09-17T01:56:00.000-04:00

i know you were dying inside with anticipation, so:

monday/wednesday/friday

introduction to poetry 10-11:15
american literature 1-2:15

tuesdays

advanced fiction writing 2-3:45
novel into film 6-9:45

thursdays

advanced fiction writing 2-3:45

--------------------------------------------
it's a weird feeling knowing that i'll be out of college this year. i will be one WLP (writing, literature and publishing) BFA (bachelor of fine arts) richer. i can't say i'm excited or scared. i'm just floating right now. i'm thinking about time after school in a pretty new apartment with my boyfriend (8 months, 16 days together so far) and sharing my beanbag chair and kissing all the time. even in the morning, despite the breath. it's strange even now to spend our nights apart. it just feels like something is missing.
--------------------------------------------

i have so many pictures to scan. i'm hoping to get that done this weekend. i have a lot to get done this weekend. i'm crossing my fingers. it feels nice to be doing homework again. it's been so long since i've had to think about things. sounds silly, but i wasn't really doing homework last semester. i was barely reading the material. sometimes i'm surprised i made it out alive. yeah, every year is like that for me. i'm always crossing my fingers and hoping i don't blow up.

i should be in bed. why aren't i?

chapped

2004-09-16T16:33:00.000-04:00

i haven't listened to music in a long time. nothing personal. i'm still in love. music is still my boyfriend. my ears feel a bit tender, i guess. i've been too busy with the red sox or reading or not being around. i haven't had time to sit down and write and write and write. i feel like i've been on my feet for a little too long. i'd like to have a tired tea party sunday afternoon right now. too bad it's three days away till the day of rest. but i'm sure god has something outrageous for me that day. perhaps a hurricane or a tornado will sweep me off my feet and land me in a whole other state. i don't believe i'd blink twice if that were to happen.

my hands are bruised and bloody. i feel like i've been kneading them for hours. tired with cold. room 205 is much too cold for anyone to concentrate. today, i wrote about a man who brushes the teeth of all the animals of the willie's circus. he has his own trailer and he shares it with his chimpanzee, priscilla. i think that's one of my favorite names now. at least for inanimate objects and animals.

this week i spent finalizing my schedule by dropping two classes and switching to a bachelor of fine arts (BFA) instead of just a BA. somehow i feel a bit wiser, but i'm still the stupid girl that everyone loves. my desk is surrounded my photographs i have yet to scan. i keep meaning to plug everything in and hang everything up, but instead everything stays in big piles on the floor. i quite dislike it. i just can't do a thing about it right now. i'm much too worn out.

love letter

2004-09-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

dear readers, lovers and others:

there is just not enough time in the day for all of the things that must get done. there are other letters i could be writing write now, but instead, i choose to address you, friends. i spent today racing around campus to classes to dorm to student union to library and back. i have to remind myself to eat and that i need food for the energy and to stay alive. i used to spend almost full days on no food and i becamse sluggish and worn out and cranky. i've learned since those days though.

i've been to each of my classes and i think i figured out which one i'm going to drop. it was a really hard choice, but i basically fell in love with my advanced fiction writing teacher which made me rethink taking introduction to personal essay. i know i'll be buried alive under all the reading and writing from two literature classes and to two writing courses, but i'll cross my fingers and take a deep breath. i have a lot of people pushing me and helping me nowadays. i have a lot of hands to hold if i need them.

it's chilly in my room tonight and i'm thinking of putting on my legwarmers and a sweatshirt and sitting in my study nook reading for my american lit class. i'll be thinking of zines and pralines while i do so. i am so terribly unfocused.

till next time,
Diana Turtle

searching for a solution

2004-09-14T20:22:00.000-04:00

okay, i know i have a ridiculous amount of cameras as it is, but i got a 20 dollar gift certificate from lomography and i don't want to waste it. so help me decide.

should i get a pop 9?

or an oktomat?

and please keep in mind i already own an action sampler flash which is somewhat similar to the oktomat. see:

unfortunately, none of these are my photographs.

happy happy

2004-09-09T03:23:00.000-04:00

-$10 from my sister to see Garden State & a funny card
-$150 from my grandma
-the plastic fantastic lomography bundle (all that, plus this)-- my my! so much camera action! -- from my mom
-the milk-eyed mender by joanna newsom from craig w.
-$25 gift certificate from fred flare from my mom
-free lip gloss from the benefit counter at filene's from melody

&&& keys to my boyfriend's new apartment.
-----------------------------------------------

although, i think the best gift came unwrapped and a lot too early (say, august 31). when a shaggy-haired lanky boy waiting by his bike, swaggered up like an urban cowboy to make out with me in front of everyone in davis square. but i guess that doesn't count as a birthday gift, just an everyday one.

absolutely falling apart

2004-09-07T13:42:00.000-04:00

i am not going to make it!

this college thing has got me way down. i honestly sit and think about how i'm not going to be able to make it through an entire year of school work and stressful situations. i mean this is not a normal situation, this is me having a complete breakdown (sophomore year of college style). i haven't been on my medication for 8 days & it's definitely making a difference. i'm falling apart.

yesterday, i saw Garden State and i was disappointed. i laughed, and cried and cried. i thought there moments of sheer brilliance in the script, and there were way too many points that hit home with me. but, i can't really enjoy any movie that has a woman carrying around a dead hamster. seriously, not funny!

i guess that movie started making me think i can't make anyone happy & i'm a huge disappointment to everyone & i have no friends & at least when he goes home he has some stoner friends to hang out with and i have no one & etc. i walked out of the theater in tears. i just don't want to be this way anymore. i cannot pull myself together.

why would anyone want to be around someone that is never happy and can't fix herself and has to take medication because she is so messed up? i haaaaaaaaate it.

japanese blue undies

2004-09-06T14:19:00.000-04:00

http://bunko.deviantart.com/

http://kat1e-.deviantart.com/
___________________________________

i'm not sure who knows and who doesn't, but i don't mind talking about it again. last night, loudly at the party i started talking about how sexually i'm a bit different and i find tons of strange things visually attractive, like:

-bruises
-wrists
-freckles

and i pointed out to my boyfriend how normal he seems to be and he mentioned how he wanted to take pictures of me again, and how happy this makes me. how i've always wanted my pictures taken. i've becoming a little less shy about revealing this side to other people. i guess i don't want to hide behind this anymore, and i know that everyone can't understand why i enjoy it so much. i've lost a lot of friends (so-called friends?) over this. i guess you don't have to accept every little quirk of someone, and it's not like i sit over sushi and contemplate porn (although, i have) but i guess this is something i need to explore a bit further. honestly, i'm a bit tired of hardcore fucking and huge plastic tits and i think the body can be beautiful and if it happens to turn someone on in the process, that's certainly not a bad thing.

summer 2002, taken by russell c. on a whim

if you have a livejournal, you might want to add me here: the dirty chisel or skafunkmelt

losing control

2004-09-06T14:02:00.000-04:00

i don't really belong on the internet anymore. oh no, i'm not giving up and i'm not going to stop writing. this was never meant as a place to impress anyone. this was meant for me and if others enjoy it, i'm certainly happy that they've found a place to entertain themselves for a few minutes. i was never meant to please.
_________________________________

last night, i was at a going away party for a friend. we have bonded, sang together and even had a drink from the same glass. i wouldn't say he was a best friend or even a close friend, but something a bit higher up then average person i see everyday on the street. i can't say that i ever knew him though.

he was my boyfriend's roommate and there were enough moments where we were all watching tv and talking about boobs than i'd like to remember. but he is going away to college -- UMASS-Amherst and i'm proud.

it was at this party that i realized i'm a mess at social occasions. i start feeling closed in and i end up sitting in the corner singing along to the music instead of talking to the party guests. last night, i wasn't up for drinking and could only pull myself together for small group interactions. i'm slightly jealous watching my boyfriend talk and laugh with everyone. i can't be like that. he wants me to be social and speak to everyone but for me it's not that easy. i feel different, shunned and outcasted. i feel like i don't belong. it's funny considering every one of his friends seem to adore me, but i don't fit. i feel like the puzzle piece you keep trying to jab in the wrong spots. and no matter what you do, it'll never fit because it belongs to another puzzle you lost a couple of years ago.

last night, i crashed into his arms hiding my face under sheets and sobbing and crying and trying to suck back the tears. i was embarassed and ashamed. i feel like this can't be me. i would certainly like my money back, because i'm broken and no matter what i do, i don't seem to be getting any better.
________________________________

i'm eating brie and crackers right now, but the brie tastes bad so i'm just sucking up the succulent insides and hoping i don't die from an overdose of cheese.

i don't think i'll ever stop rambling.

just another (girl) crush

2004-09-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

i'm starting to have more and more crushes on girls lately. i'm not sure what it is about them, but i've been noticing more and more beautiful women everyday. i'm not exactly attracted to them sexually, but i find them irresistable and want to stare at their pretty lips, eyes and hands all through the night. i want to coax them into coffee with me and then have interesting conversation late into the night. somehow i'm doubting this will ever happen.

i've had sexual thoughts of women before. i guess i'm curious what kissing another woman would be like, and if it's quite different from kissing a man. i seem to be attracted to effeminate men anyhow and their gentle caring ways. i've thought about going down on women too. i think i might be a bit too aggressive for another woman though. i feel too rough. i used to think i was a boy when i was a little girl. that my voice was too deep. i didn't know you needed a penis too.

now my boyfriend is obsessed i'm going to go out and have girl sex. the problem is that all the girls i have crushes on are either straight or in other states or i simply don't know. i promised him photos, because even though he is a sweetheart he can't help but be into lesbians. i don't really blame him. chicks are hot!

days are not daisies

2004-09-02T11:43:00.000-04:00

i've been in boston, massachusetts for one, two, three days now and i still haven't been to the photobooth or the dining hall or barely anywhere at all. i haven't felt put together in a long long time. i thought coming here would fix the anxiety, but i still feel a bit shaken. i'm on my meds and i'm thinking about the coming classes and winter and being able to wear scarves and sweaters again.

i've thinking about pretty packages and mix tapes, and everything i don't want to get done before the 13th. i'm thinking about the sex i had on day one and how i'm still aching from it in that good-ache sort of way.

i have things to do today that will surely result in much boredom, but it must be done. i hope that my photobucket images of the zoo reappear sometime tonight, because they were pretty!

and and...

my hate for the internet is steadily growing. i'm running out of reliable sources. so for anyone that didn't get to see the last post that i was pretty excited about, then you will just have to wait patiently till it gets fixed! i'm tired of image hosting -- what a beast!

anyways...

they were all taken by my fantastic friend, miss geerah, and her very expensive digital camera. don't ever let the weather bring you down -- hot, muggy days at the zoo can be fun, except when the zoo closes at 5pm and there is a massive downpour and you parked really far away and you are wearing a barely there dress and no bra!

i hope you have a nicer day than the ones i've been having lately. oh, the wrath of my mother.

the animal fair

2004-09-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

the birds and the beasts were there

we were rained out!

chinese peacock dance

2004-08-27T13:36:00.000-04:00

today, i was watching sesame street with my sister. it was the 35th anniversary special and i saw this amazing featurette with Grover and Ming the peacock. it talked about this amazing chinese dance called the peacock dance. the little girls wore the most elegant dresses. now i want one. apparantly, there are many different kinds but i can't find the exact ones from the show, which were stunning. i almost learned traditional japanese dance, like my mom did as a small child, while in high school, but i had a lot of trouble finding a teacher. now this makes me want to take up peacock dancing.
-------------------------------------------

In today's Global Grover bit, Grover presents us with Ming, a Muppet peacock who's supposed to show us how to do the Chinese peacock dance. Ming does a soft-shoe tap dance instead, so Grover has to show us a film clip of Chinese kids doing the peacock dance. Grover and Ming end the piece by tap dancing together.

The peacock dance is a traditional dance of Dai people. Dai people live in Yunnan province, southwest of China, where most of the rainforests are. The unique tropical weather and the natural environment formed Dai's unique tradition and culture. They share their homeland with creatures of great variety and have managed to preserve natural habitats of thousands of rare species. The beauty and mildness of the peacock has always been a great inspiration for Dai people. They consider peacocks as Goddesses that can bring them peace and happiness, which they pray for with graceful peacock dancing. This piece of peacock dance vividly shows one day of peacocks' life in the rainforest- waking up in the morning, stretching his beautiful wings, chirping along with other birds and bathing in the spring, amazed by their own graceful reflection in the water.
---------------------------------------------
resources:
chinese dance
chinese dance descriptions
sesame street anniversary summary
chinese cultural educational products

is is

2004-08-26T08:10:00.000-04:00

i'm waiting for some water to boil for tea. i'm contemplating eating ice cream at 7am. my lips are a bit chapped from constantly licking them. my dog is scratching his chin and making cute doggy noises at my feet. i'm still in my nightgown. i'm thinking about mowing the lawn even though "we" haven't mowed our lawn in ages. we have an old fashioned push mower. our backyard is full of dirt and i have no idea why the grass went away. why don't more chairs have arm rests, especially at restaurants? i cannot sit with my legs just dangling there, i cross them or sit on them, it's very unlady-like. i think about my constant use of the ampersand & how it all got started because of this one entry of justin why's. i like my tea the color of brown sugar. funnily enough, i use honey, not sugar. i think about disasters more than i think of pretty things. i haven't been hungry in days, but i often wake up at 4am starving and eat anything i can find that is meatless and tasty. more people should use the word tasty. the word town is overused: boot town, tobacco town, etc. i never could understand why anyone would want to shop at a dress barn? i often dream of eating decandent cakes and fancy desserts while wearing a wedding dress. i contemplate clouds for about 90% of my day. how come my tiny cat makes more noise eating than my dog?

someone on makeoutclub once asked me to send them a journal, which i seriously contemplated. a paper journal with scraps of my life just for them. perhaps i'll work on something starting october 1st. i doubt it'll go anywhere but in my hands.

i'd be pretty disappointed if i could replace everything in my life with alcohol

2004-08-25T03:11:00.000-04:00

i remember picking callouses off bloody fingers, and remember i had to wait for my hands to get used to the feel of the ball. the mornings. the afternoons. everything reserved for practice. the weekends were free. then we quit. we were only working on volleyball for a month anyhow, and i doubt i was anything special since i couldn't serve over the net half the time without my hand turning raw with pain. i remember sitting out with cramps when i didn't want to play football and andy coming up to me wanting to make out under the trees. we never made out, because i made that up. often i end up in fictional arms in high school, since almost everything about that time is embellished with false facts. i was alone and i was a nerd and i wanted to be this rebellious little girl. i wanted to be a noir bard, but ultimately i was the smart girl that the administration liked, but stupid enough that the right teachers knew to ignore me. in a school of 50, everyone knows everything and rumors spread fast.

i have opposing blisters on my feet from wearing uncomfortable shoes. girls do ridiculous things in the name of fashion, but i've given them up. i'll never be a super model.

i have bruises on my thigh from unexplained mysterious accidents that occur during my dreams.

i have a small stinger stuck in my middle finger of my left hand.

i have one 2.5 inch scar down my left leg. i have another rounder scar on the right from falling down hard on the asphalt from walking my dog.

there's a rash on my right forearm i have no idea why.

my freckles are fading.

there's a grey bump on my right hand that stays the same size and appears to just be there. i poke at it for comfort some nights. perhaps waiting for a small baby to appear.

my legs are covered in tiny scratches from ingrown hairs, mosquito bites and fleas. i enjoy each and every one of these marks, because i feel like it's the one thing that pulls me out of the crowd. the thing that makes me a colored face in a mass of a gray world.

i remember i wanted to learn guitar. i quit piano. i gave up the band and now i write. i couldn't be happier.

i'm starting to think i shouldn't write here when i'm too tired and angry at myself.

DELAYED MY FLIGHT//STILL IN BLOODY TEXAS FOR ANOTHER WEEK

2004-08-24T16:51:00.000-04:00

i'm miserable and it's my fault.

i can't sleep. i can't eat. i can't think. i can't read. i can't even concentrate long enough to figure it out. i've had a enough people tell me that i'm a mystery to them and that i'm a complex person, but i feel like an open book. i feel like i put everything out there, guts exposed, muscles showing, almost bare to the bone and still no one gets it. i'm just a simple fragile minded little girl. i haven't grown up. i'm still waiting for a fairy tale ending -- the happily ever after -- when dave and i ride away on the white horse off into the sunset. unfortunately, nothing is that simple.

everyone is looking for the black and white to things, but inside i feel tangled. i feel like people should read me, but it's true, if i can't, then why should they? just because it's not this or not that, doesn't mean it's not a bit of both.

i can only handle one step at a time. right now i feel like i'm on the plank and there is a gaggle of pirates urging me forward with their cutlasses. i'm trying to take slow calculated steps, but it's hard to concentrate amongst the jeering and angry faces. i feel like every single person in my life is angry at me. i feel like i'm surrounded by a bunch of sad and angry faces, and i'm hiding under rocks and nodding yes to things i don't want to do, to make them happy. i don't know what makes me happy anymore. it feels like the only times i'm happy are when i hear him laughing over the phone or when a friend tells me they need me. which is happening less and less.

i feel like i'm shrinking. something reconfirmed the other day when my mom said, "you seem shorter than usual. what shoes are you wearing?" and i was wearing heels.

CONGRATULATIONS, you are fucking's greatest hits

2004-08-23T08:10:00.000-04:00

i'm sitting here listening to the blood brothers and i'm not packed and i leave in just hours. i mean it's several hours and hours and hours, but i'm about to wave goodbye to my summer home, my mom and sister and michael phelps is on tv...again. i'm leaving the olympics and the 24 hour tv set. the fuzz and the flipping channels and the all out arguements and the all night screaming. i can't take it anymore. it's breaking my nerves to live here one more second.

and she doesn't want me to leave. she, my mom, wants me to stay like it's going to help and again we've run out of time like we do every year. we just can't get anything done. there's always too much on our plates and lately, i've just been curling up on the couch and sleeping it all away and when i wake up and it's all still here, i just turn around and shut my eyes again.

i can't wait to fall asleep on a giant lumpy futon with green sheets and his long arms around me. i can look up and see the black inked "their" on his shoulder and the blue eyes and the thin wrists and his longish hair(!)and finally get some real sleep.

i keep putting my writing out there. everyone says i was made for words and i'm starting to believe them. that means i actually have to start doing some real writing and perhaps devote less hours to restless all night internet searching. i'm in 5 classes this semester that will force me to write.

intro to personal essay

into to poetry

adv. fiction writing

american literature

transformations of shakespeare

the last two are iffy like every single literature class that i take. i love reading and bookstores and knowledge, i just don't like analytical thinking. it's true, i'm terrible at it. i've tried and i know it's something that i won't get. i'm not intellectual. i'm a stupid girl with a smart air. i like how i can trick the masses.

seriously, things better start looking up or i'm going to pass out and not wake up for a long long time. i'm pretty sure i'll miss some things if i do that. you know, like the sun.

i write because...

2004-08-21T23:37:00.000-04:00

there is nothing else to do. i can't sleep without talking about myself. i write because i need to find out who i am. i write because i can't tell lies. i write because i must. i write because that's what i'm supposed to do. i write because i like to tell stories. i write because i want to be someone else, and this is the only way i can do it. i can't act, so i write. i write because it comes naturally to my fingertips and i like when ink smears across my palms and fingertips, and i leave tiny prints along each single white sheet of paper i pass along the table. i write because i like to read and i want to create something that will insprire someone else. i write because i want to become an alcoholic and die at the age of 45 from alcohol poisoning. i write because i think i would be paralyzed without it. i write because it's cheaper than therapy. i write because i'm lonely. i write because i feel closed in and scared and this is a way i can let it out. i write because i can't sleep. i write because i can't do anything else. i was born without talent. i write because i thought i was ugly. i write because i still think i am sometimes. i write because no one likes me in person. i write because i'm paranoid. i write to be free. i write because i want to be famous. i write because i don't want to be recognized. i write because it's sexy. i write because it's mysterious. i write because it's impressive to say at parties as an occupation. i write because it gets me good sex without saying much. i write because i can't draw. i write because spell check will fix my errors. i write because the sight of red ink excites me. i write so i can be alone. i write because i can hang out in coffee houses with an excuse to hit on other lonely writers. i write because i'm in love with language. i write because i have nothing else to do.

this needs no explanation

2004-08-21T23:34:00.000-04:00

artist:peregrine honig

do you remember these?

2004-08-20T11:22:00.000-04:00

original:

photo by Jan Saudek

rip-off:

september 2003
_____________________________________________

edit: ahem. now the "here" and "here" actually have links.

-something off my wishlist here or here

& because i felt like something sexy

2004-08-19T08:08:00.000-04:00

Pink Lady by Peregrin Honig

"...and it was then that he pulled out of her and she said, "What is it?" and he said, very calmly all things considered, "Say you're pretty."
"Come back inside me."
"When you've said it."
"I'm not, though."
"I think you are. Say, 'Julian thinks I'm pretty.'"
"'Julian thinks I'm pretty.' Please come back."
"When you've said it."
"I'm pretty. I'm pretty."
"Louder and mean it."
"I'm pretty, you son of a bitch!"
He reentered her then, and she'd gone a long ways back but he had nothing but time, he was a master of many situations, none more than bed, and eventually she was close again, on the verge, and he brought her slowly to climax and held her there for as long as he could before she exploded.
- William Goldman, "Tinsel"

the big sneak out & notso subtle hints about my birthday

2004-08-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

i was asked to post about my birthday, which is a math equation. 9x9=81

-roller ball pens
-stationary
-photobooth strips of you
-polaroids you took
-ryan adams!
-mix cds/tapes
-something off my wishlist here or here
-zines
-old copies of Nylon magazine
-collages
-blank tapes/cds
-600 polaroid film

i'm really looking for anything imaginative, pretty & quirky.

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p.s. sorry everyone that i owe letters/tapes/cds too. i'm going to wait till i can organize myself back in boston. watch the mail around the end of august and early september.

edit: please remember i will have a new address starting august 29th. if anyone needs it email me at skafunkmelt@hotmail.com.

absense makes the heart grow fonder

2004-08-17T07:11:00.000-04:00

dearest readers,

i won't be on AIM/livejournal/blogger for the next week. i'm also trying to avoid email. i'm trying to pull some last minute shit together. so while i'm in lockdown entertain yourselves with the archives or perhaps with some haikus.

you may also enjoy:
deviantart

xoxo,

miss diana

p.s. here is a picture of a robot:

nothing feels the same

2004-08-16T03:04:00.000-04:00

i feel very unhappy. i feel like there's been a house fire and that everything special to me burned up in flames and i'll never get to see it again. my heart is a bit charred and it'll never be quite the same. i'm battling some sort of heartache. it's both emotional and physically and i've felt like i've been dying for the past few days. i feel like any second i might burst out in tears. so far, the count is one on the cry scale, but it seems like it should be a thousand times higher.

i just want to get out of here. i think this house is eating me alive. i can't work. i can't think. i can't read. i only sleep and i barely eat. when i finally step outside the sun feels so good against my skin. even the sweat that pools in my lower back and right under my breasts feels new and welcome.

i feel like i could walk forever and never get tired.

lately, i want everything to end and i don't want anyone to think it a bit strange that i'm a changing person and quite the chameleon. i've decided to stop being nice and be full of sass. i'm a tiny sprite spitfire ugly girl. i'm ready for your lungs, so i can steal your breath. i promise it will be really dirty.

making sense of sleep

2004-08-13T01:27:00.000-04:00

i'm red and puffy from not sleeping last night. every single time i would lie down the silence would keep me awake. i tried reading and turning on the fan, but that didn't block out the noise. so i decided as a final effort i would listen to some music. i put in phantom planet's first album and tried to sleep. unfortunately, the cd lead to more thoughts that kept me awake making new mix cds ideas in my head. so i just faked sleep till an acceptable time to be awake in the morning. i wouldn't even have to do that if i wasn't sleeping in the living room, but instead, in a real room that was mine where i could lie awake and not have my grandma say, "you still awake?"

every single morning has fallen into routine. my grandma sees that i'm awake and tries to get the dog to outside, but he refuses and then she says, "you make him" for which i say, "i will take him out in a second." i always take him out and he has no problem wanting to go outside when i do it, except that sometimes he gets scared of invisible bees and scarymen. he always curls up his tail and runs away to the safe haven of the garage.

barbara is still missing. i don't know where she has gotten to, but it's nowhere inside or outside the house. my mom has been calling the shelter every other day and still no black kitty cat with a white tuft of fur on her chest and bright yellow eyes and a joyful meow. she was a crabby scabby old battle axe, but i loved her. she was no good at mousing and i was fine with that. it was just nice to pet her around her scabs and scatch the hairless bits around her neck. silly summer allergies! plus, when i ask the other pets if they have seen her, they don't seem to understand. her daughter, tuffy, doesn't even miss her! oh, it pains me. although, tuffy has moved back into the kitchen cabinet, perhaps this is her way of mourning her mother's loss. i suppose i will never know.

i've been writing david emails everyday and i feel a lot better. i never knew that electronic mail could be so comforting. i don't know what's wrong, but whenever we talk over IM there's something missing for us. he feels it too. he's been calling me on the phone more often, just to talk, except we have nothing to talk about, so we make up stuff to amuse ourselves. it's a lot of fun till his cell phone dies out.

the evolution of turtle

2004-08-12T02:23:00.000-04:00

the stages of hair, oh my!
from blue streaks to boring brown.
february 2003||april 2003
august 2003||april 2004

there are so many things to do around the house. i'm barely awake right now, but i feel some sort of obligation to this thing lately. i'm glad that i feel like i need to write. i need to get out a lot of words lately. unfortunately, the academic ones are still not flowing. i wrote one sentence last night:

In the “black” woman’s home, silence is often the only choice. i'm writing about the silent voice of women in once were warriors and the color purple. i can't wait to get this fucking thing done with. only 11 more pages to go.

i really want my cat to return!

i can't wait to impress my dental hygienist with my flossing abilities. i'm so proud of myself for having good dental hygiene lately. seriously, listerine and the whole she-bang. i hope i don't have any cavaties. crossing fingers for more than just nice teeth.

meet me in montauk

2004-08-11T05:20:00.000-04:00

i decided i just couldn't go back to sleep. i started thinking while flossing, a chore i have grown to love, and this paper is haunting me. like it should. so here i am working on my paper at 4:30am in the morning. i'm simaltaneously looking up livejournal icons for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. there are times i take boredom and run with it. this morning is one of those times.

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barbara is still missing. i think my mom and i are the only ones that seem to care that she is missing from our lives. i have accepted the fact that she has probably died somewhere, but i wish she would just come home. i miss her meow.
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i can't take my mind off of boston lately. i feel that dave and i have really grown apart lately. i think it's just the distance playing mind tricks on us, but it feels different in a way i can't explain. i really can't remember things without him, but it's hard to remember the way things were when i was last there. i know things will slowly fall into place as soon as i arrive. i'm just scared that when we kiss it'll feel different. there will be less spark.

i am obviously overanalyzing the situation. i tend to do that.

unusual monday afternoon

2004-08-10T01:47:00.000-04:00

she's still missing and i don't know what to do. i decided to just wait it out. i'm scared to death that she died. i do realize it's funny i worded it like that. i'm guessing if she went away from the house to die, she thought it would be easier on us. i just want to see her body and to put it in a safe place. i don't want any other worms to eat her than the worms in our year. the most spooky thing about barbara missing is that we were just talking about when the pets die, what should we do with them? i said i couldn't imagine them in the backyard with d'arcy & billy fish and james guinea pig and alice mouse. they need something a bit bigger with more glitter. their own headstone at least with a nice haiku by me. i miss her so much. she was my crabby scabby (due to allergies & constant scratching) black barbara binks.

in order to get my mind off everything that's going on and not going on in my life. i've slowly become addicted to flickr, deviantart and looking for writing jobs in boston on craig's list. (thanks to numidas for that last one)

i still feel completely lost without any footholds here. i guess once i get back to boston things will start making more sense. there's something that belongs to me there. i feel so out of place and it feels so high school. i just need a giant "kick me" sign.

just another day

2004-08-09T04:19:00.000-04:00

there is a tiny mosquito living inside my body sucking me slowly to death. i quite like the feel as he flutters throughout my veins. i wonder if there is a cure for overly dramatic sense of imagination?

the reason i never did drugs was because i was afraid of losing my imagination, and that i would become dependent on drugs for the images i see without them. now my mom and i talk daily about going to coffee houses in amsterdam. i hope she is joking.

my cat is missing.

there was a short spending spree this weekend which resulted in some new cds and underwear. i have ideas for my amateur modeling career. the themes are as follows:

-green
-tiara
-oswald
-garter belt

i wonder what kind of person has such a strong desire for new underwear. i cannot stop myself. i want it all. sometimes i hate target for luring me into their store. i think i have a problem.

i want a digital camera.

i've had some shit luck on ebay lately. i keep losing bits like no one's business, but i wonder if spending $70 on a mint 1st edition hardcover book is really that outrageous. regardless, i stopped at $67.

there has been no progress. i'm starting to regret ever becoming so far behind in everything. i can't believe i fell apart so quickly over the course of last school year. i have two papers to do and no desire to do them. i have the research, the books have been read and the topics are interesting enough. i just have zero strength to sit down and get it done. there is no way i'm an academic. i'm wasting away my college years -- quick and fast. i wonder what this year will bring me in classes, grades and new experiences.

i find myself losing my temper so easily nowadays. i'm a lot less tolerant of things than i used to be. i bet it's related to the housewife syndrome that my mom says i'm slowly catching. i can't believe i have used so many adverbs in this entry. i bought an apron today. there is no stopping me.

i am the proud of owner of two new pairs of chuck taylors, and i'm in desperate need of some motivation.