I am hopeless. I know that no one reads this, but I write for myself. I am a writer. It drives me nuts that my mind is starting to think like a TV movie. I've seen one too many TV movies and they are starting to get to me. I really really really really really like the soulmate. Hence, the name the Soulmate. However, Soulmate is taken. Why do I like boys that I could never ever ever ever have? I mean do I do it to be safe. Am I really that scared of making a commitment...even if I really really really like the person, so much that I think about them every waking second of the day. I'm starting to think that I could never be as good as "she" could. That I am not adequate. I mean do I even have a chance? Am I being lead on? I really don't give a fuck if he reads this. This is what goes on in my head. I mean that's what I'm thinking right now...even though I have like a thousand good thoughts plus that really good Shakira song stuck in my head. I really have GREAT thoughts about the Soulmate...as much as I would like to say that he is not worth it. I believe that he is. I want to be with him. I want to spend everyday with him. I want to make little gifts for him. I'm thinking that writing about him to the extent where I just flip out because of pure insanity...because if I write about him all the time maybe he will leak out of my head. He will go away and then my head can be filled with less happy things so I can go back to being really really depressed so I can write sad poems about punx. I am a punk. Hehehe.

I am so emo. What is mod exactly? Is being mod being modern? And if it is does that mean being mod now means you are like being mod when mod came out or are you just being yourself now? Ugh.

I think involving your friends in your relationship struggles is a good thing. Except they are quick to judge because they don't know the whole situation because you are not rigged up on a video camera where they can watch your every move with the person in question. Which I guess for me is a pretty swell thing. I don't like people watching me all the time. Blah...internet writing makes me miss my "real" journal. I really really need to write in it...give it a little update about what's been going "down" this past week. I've been here for a whole week and I feel that I'm more confused then I've ever been before.

I want to kiss the Soulmate. I like kissing him. When will he get back? I want him. I do. But I shouldn't. I have very strong feelings and I'm not strong enough to handle them right now. I don't know what my head is doing to me. I think I want a new head...a new mind...someone else's with a new problem. I don't like my own. It makes me sad. I want to be the Soulmate's girlfriend...I want to see him everyday. I'm writing this in attempts that HE will read it and get the picture...but he said that he wouldn't read this anymore, so who knows. I'm not scared of what he will say. I just want to be with him. Is that wrong? No...I don't think so. He'll probably read this and flip out and never talk to me again. Which is something that he will never do...he doesn't do those types of things. I just don't want him to take this the wrong way. Arg...grrrr! 
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