Getting dressed in the morning can be hell. Sometimes I wonder, why bother? It's too cold and all I want to do is snuggle back into bed and sleep all day. I need coffee and I need books. Mmm...coffee and books. I'm also sick and a very nice Emerson facilities guy came around and offered to go out and buy me medicine, which is so nice of him. I turned him down of course. I just took some stuff. BLAH!

My horoscope: Everyone must once in a while analyze their lives. But when you ponder over your life, you tend to be too pessimistic. You get carried away easily and you often exaggerate. Today as you think about your life, try not listening to that little voice in your head. Your life is far from being the way you think it is.

Yeah, that sounds like me. It's a little frightening. I'm afraid if I don't act on things now that they might change. I might lose something forever. I don't know. 
¶ 12:08 PM |

  alright. i was being a bit of a sourpuss earlier. i can see that now, it was in the heat of the moment that i posted that. i'm not really too mad since i really don't know anything about anything. i'm not a bit disappointed either as things are much better as they are now. i'm used to this feeling. confusions and giddiness. i really am too happy most of the time or too sad the other half. jeez, i am bipolar and ADD. i need some help. 
¶ 12:11 PM |

  I HATE BOYS! sometimes you need to just ignore things instead of going all snoop like to see what's going on. GRRRR! red heads = not rad. yeah, so we'll probably NEVER talk again. meanwhile, i'm in a blissful mood. smitten as a kitten. eager as a beagle. (wait, that doesn't rhyme) i had the best phone call of my 21 years yesterday. hooray! can someone say road trip!! i thought you could. so yeah, not all boys suck just some. mostly ones that i meet on the internet. hmmm...i wonder why? 
¶ 11:02 AM |

  one day, a beautiful girl decided to go for a walk. she needed a new pack of cigarettes and lucky for her she lived 2 blocks from the 7-11. it was a nice day out so she wore her prettiest clothes to show off her skim milk skin and her sparkling toe rings. her blue-green hair hung in strands near her face and the sun caught the gold in her eyes. she got so many hoots and hollers that she didn't even notice them anymore. then right as she was about to open the door of the 7-11 she ran right into a tall hipster boy, who was on the other side trying to go out. he wore smelly vintage clothes and his hair was in tangles. she could smell the alcohol on his breath and the girl had never seen anyone as fragile as this and she wanted to hold him immeadiately, because she knew that something terrible was going to him if she didn't. so, instead of letting him go, she held on tight and they've been holding on to each other ever since, sharing their menthols and dreaming together.

This story literally took me 2 minutes to write. I'm going to revise it though, so I'm being a little cheat! alright, i sorta revised but i'm still not happy yet. later perhaps. 
¶ 10:43 AM |

  I am this Bright Eyes album:


Which Bright Eyes Album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

One of Skyler's favorite bands, Cursive:



what saddle-creek band are you
brought to you by Quizilla

I am this Conor Oberst, you thought of a brillant album, and you've set out to change people and the way they think, you can't get much better than this, or can you? keep rockin' with desa kiddo.


which conor oberst are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
¶ 10:15 AM |

  i'm really good at making mistakes. um, yeah. so i've lost myself in it big time. i might need some help getting out.

oh yes, that "bloke" down there is Peter Hayes singer in the band Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. I knew he looked familiar. Fuck, I own their CD. Their bunch of cuties in that band but I thought that me and the lead singer of The Strokes would be a better match. Yummy, Julian! Yeah, well...shit happens.

I'm still sick as a dog. I need to register for classes and all I want to do is lay down and take a nap and never wake up. I really don't want to go to the grocery store. Never ever ever. I'll starve. I'm good at that. Well, not starving but not eating. Yeah, I know. Food is good but sometimes my own laziness takes over the sensation to eat. It would be nice to have some munchies in the room though. Wow. Cup of Noodle here I come. Yeehaw!! 
¶ 1:53 PM |

  jesus. it's almost 5 am, again. sigh. i'm so so dead. 
¶ 4:33 AM |

  hehehe...i'm a stroke!




Take the Which Stroke are you? Quiz

 
¶ 4:29 AM |

 
Who Is Your Rock Star Boyfriend?
brought to you by Quizilla

i feel stupid. who is this bloke? 
¶ 4:25 AM |

  well, i thought that since i'm awake anyways that i might as well have a little heart to heart. it's hard to hear over the huge headache i have though. i can't sleep because i have this terrible aching all over. why am i this sick? i think it's some sort of curse. oh well. i guess i deserve considering everyone else i know got something. blah. and i thought i was just lucky. haha.

yeah, so there's this cute quasi punk i'm interested in and somehow i need to prove to him that it's not some sort of phase. i'm really not sure how to go about that. how to prove that what one feels is the way one feels? i thought about a tattoo. i'm so serious. i would get a tattoo that only he would understand. somewhere on my the inside of my arm. so it's there but it's not blatently obvious. i should go check out how much it would be. oh, and how much it would hurt. but you have to start somewhere. i've always wanted a tattoo. i want stars. lovely lovely start. and NO, i'm not emo. thank you very much.

everyone has star tattoos. jeez, we're all emo. what a sad realization, mostly because emo has lost it's meaning because it's overused and no one knows what it actually means anymore, including me.

jawbreaker apparantly was one of the first emo bands.

who am i kidding, i read that out of a Magnet. awesome magazine really. go pick one up and your local snobby music store. great read.

i am trying to read the age of spiritual machines by ray kurzweil. i need to start. i want to start. thanksgiving reading perhaps. i only have a thousand desk hours to get through. why is our break so short anyways? i need a lot of relax time. i feel myself crumbling under all this stress. i should move out of the city but i love it here. i can't imagine not being surrounded by all the noise. it's quite cheering really.

i thought it was raining tonight but it ended up being my imagination again. i'm really hungry for eggs. i haven't eaten all day. i'm starved. i wish i didn't have to go to class. i also wish i could fall asleep. i feel sooo sick!

sorry, that this entry was a waste of time. i was trying to be witty but it didn't work out. next time i promise quality content. 
¶ 4:21 AM |

  Wow. I promise I won't be up all night taking quizzes. This is ridiculous though.

Take the test, by Emily.

 
¶ 4:11 AM |

  Yay! How ironic is this? I was listening to this just today.

Don't look so blue.. or is it green? Don't be sad that you're the outcast, and jealous that you will never be as important as the others. You're important to those who know you, you just don't know it. Or them. Well, of course you know those around you, it's just that their names get in the way, like a chunk of pretzel in George W. Bush's trachea. Darla? Carla? Marla? Starla? Does it really matter? You can always write down these little mementos for others to read later on, just buy a new typewriter, skippy. Which Smashing Pumpkins album are you?

It's definately up there with mellon collie. 
¶ 4:07 AM |

 

Aerodynamic. Highly musical. Black. Black pertaining to your wardrobe, of course. You, my pale tempered-tusker, have style and musical genius, though some of your critics may think otherwise. It doesn't matter. Their opinions mean nothing. They can lick your boots and snap a Polaroid of your kindly displayed ringfinger. You're a born leader, a little controlling at times, but you're still able to maintain a sense of good humor in most cases. The Smashing Pumpkins Test: Which Band Member Are you?

weeee...this is fun! 
¶ 4:02 AM |

 

What if I refused to give any results? What if this page refused to load? You're quite the inquitive one, always questioning the norm. You're into repetition and cliches. You're also a creature of habit. Although, you may just simply be a creature. Who am I to judge? The ABC's of Smashing Pumpkins songs; Which "A" song are you?

I like this song but it's off Adore. Hmm hmm hmm... 
¶ 3:53 AM |

 
What kind of drunk are you?

um. sure. 
¶ 3:44 AM |

  i can't sleep and i feel like i'm going to die. blah to sickness. blah to short thanksgiving break. blah blah blah.





Which Empire Records character would YOU be? Hmmm?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.  
¶ 3:36 AM |

 

If you were a Francesca Lia Block book, which one would you be? take the quiz here!

Hooray for Francesca Lia Block days! Oh, and two hour sleep cycles. Hahaha. 
¶ 11:57 AM |

 

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

God, sometimes I just love the internet! My day is made. :-D 
¶ 11:52 AM |

  Otonani nattara, rokusutaa ni naritaidesu.

when i grow up, i want to be a rock star. 
¶ 12:04 AM |

  old aim profile:

it's cold in here. will you hold my hand?
...but what about the spies? don't forget about the spies.
drip. drip. drip. i feel that inside.

yeah, sometimes they are good and i like to remember what a genius i am and how sad it is that i change my profile so often. so so sad. just like my life. 
¶ 6:41 PM |

  I know I know. I'm not sure what's happened to me either. It seems that one day I'm thinking this one thing and the other I'm off in a whole other direction. This whole red head situation is ridiculous but I figure when you think back on an event and you realized how gross it made you feel that it's time to move on. I'm not sure why it's like that now but it is. I'm disappointed because I did want it to work, but you can't force these things. They'll just come.

In the meantime, there's this someone else. I've been interested in him a real long time. He knows this. I know this. It's a huge ordeal. I'm not sure what to do. We'll see but it's nice to just talk about it.

Oh. I have blue hair! That's pretty exciting, eh? Just little blue streaks but it's blue. I really like it. I feel a little different. My room is a mess again and all I want to do is wait for a certain someone to talk to. Hohum...what a boring day today was. 
¶ 1:28 AM |

  You know those days that just bring you back. You are just sitting there and all of a sudden you're like, "Hey, I wonder what happened to so and so." That happened to me the other day with this boy named Andy. Andy and I used to talk occassionally and in Junior High we sorta had a thing a couple of times. Yeah, it's true. I dated a fucking hero. Read about it here. Now, that's insane. How often do you think about people and now their in all these news broadcasts and they saved their friend from avalanche. Um, yeah...I didn't think so. This is so weird.

 
¶ 7:01 AM |

  i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. yeah, so i'm expending some energy right now. i don't hate him. i never knew him at least not enough to get any amount of him to hate. i'm just upset and it's not making sense and why am i trying so hard right now. why? heh. i hate when mom is right and that boy you are dating from cambridge really is a creep and all those "creepy" things you thought were cute once were really creepy and not cute. why, though, why?

i guess though that it's nice to realize who you really care for in the long run. that i needed to let go. it just seems that i wasted a lot of time and energy into something i thought would work but no, why would that ever happen to me? why would anyone ever care about me? why? i know people do. of course i do. just sometimes i wish the ones that i wanted to care for me did. i know now you can't force anything and that just living and breathing should be my top priority. i'm going to stop trying so hard. i know that i try so hard and i'm tired of trying. i just want to be. i just want to be with someone that is far away from me right now. oh well. shit happens. eh? 
¶ 10:21 PM |

  this is too frightening to contemplate right now. too damn frightening. here's the scope (hehe):

If you open your eyes this morning and want nothing more than to just stay in bed and cuddle a little longer under the sheets, know that you aren't alone, D. There is a sensitive warmth about the day that is making you feel vulnerable. Make sure you surround yourself with supportive people today. Harsh words are likely to cut deeper than usual today. You may indeed be better off staying in bed.

strange. very stange. 
¶ 9:24 AM |

  ARG! all i want to be right now is sleeping but i'm starting to think better of skipping class. so, i'm going since i'm failing one of my classes anyhow. so there, i'm being good. i don't suck and the world won't end. blah.

last night was so encouraging. a lot of people reached out to me that i didn't think would. i guess sometimes i take what i have for granted. i gave my note to the roommates but last night was nice. i hated to break the mood by giving them my paranoid spiel. i know that it's somewhat my fault but still. i'm feeling this way for a reason not just because i've been sleeping for a million hours a day.

i REALLY don't want to go to class. really. really. i'm going though. i'm going. alright, i guess i should get moving and get ready for the day. i don't want to and all i am thinking about is coming back from class and napping. i guess i should eat but eating takes time away from sleeping. hmm...that can't be a good sign. i'll eat. i eat. i will. i'll make time. i hate thursdays. they are way too busy to think.

p.s. miss nikki made my day with her away message. also, emailed certain someone *wink wink* and waiting for a response. he promised so he better deliver. oh, derek was on aim at a strange time last night. i'm not stalking him down it's just that when i got up this morning because i couldn't sleep i found that he was idle. isn't 4 am a little late for a teacher to be up? hmm hmm. something to ponder about. 
¶ 9:14 AM |

  so i've been sitting and doing some analysis while on hiatus. i know why i feel like i do - gross. i mean i'm falling in love with boys all over the place, reason being that all i look for in current relationships is something physical, which most of the time isn't all that great. i mean that's not true with the boy now but it's still empty. he won't tell me stuff. i never get to see his apartment. there's not a lot of effort on his part. i'm finding out that he's not really that great. i like him. i do. but he's not what i thought he was. i mean i look at these boys in my class that i'm starting to know just because of workshops and little thing their friends say and i look in their eyes and i think wow it would just be fun to hang out with them and not jump on them the first chance i get. i know why i do that too...i date foxy boys...hehe...but because of his evasive nature i feel like we have one-sided conversations which involve me just saying dumb things. which really is not the way to date a boy.

all i want is someone to be romantic with and have a normal relationship with. i don't even want to make out with the boy until the third date. i want us to have dates where i don't feel nervous except for the butterflies and i want to feel comfortable with eating in front of the boy and i want the boy to make the plans and be old-fashioned and chivalrous but will make the first move when he wants to kiss me. i want a cute indie boy, which means to say that i want a boy that's in love with music or in love with his music and needs a little cheerleader on the side. i just want some flowers or cheesy things the boy finds me on the street. i want to be able to have a book club with the boy and do all those things and say what i want to say without having to worry about the boy's opinion and i don't want the boy to pick fights unless it's to see how cute i get when i get angry...which is not cute at all. i really just want someone to be there for me. someone that isn't disappearing and someone that ACTUALLY likes me as much as i like them. one-sided lust is not a fun thing. 
¶ 8:41 PM |

  Another day, another day. We're all a little pissy in the room right now. I'm not sure what happened but it seems that everyone has a deal with someone else in the room. I wish that we opened up a bit to each other. I can't read minds and neither can they. I think that we should just state whatever mood we are in for that day. We should make special name tags..."pissed"..."bored"..."happy"..."sad"..."esctastic"..."horny"...whatever. I just don't think anyone is happy living like this.

Wow. It's weird not having anyone electronically to talk to. I mean I did peek onto AIM once or twice but didn't hold conversations or anything. I have used MSN but I hate using their IM. This is so not interesting.

Anyways, go listen to Hot Hot Heat!! I've been listening to this one song, "Le Le Low," all thanks to this girl! Go read her blog. She's an interesting girl. Plus, she has wicked good taste in music for someone younger than 16. Jeez, I wasn't that cool when I was 16. I was a Pumpkinhead. I still am. Hehehe...

I was "ecstatic" the other day when people started talking about the Zwan show at the Orpheum. I'm going I wanted to say. I didn't. They had nostalgic moments about the Pumpkins, even Brendan the punk boy. See, they attract all kinds. Billy Corgan is no short of genius. I fucked up that saying.

I bought a cookie yesterday and to justify the fact that I was buying a cookie I bought an oatmeal one. Mmm mmm good. It had raisin goodness action going on. Yay for that! I'm not a huge fan of chocolate anyways. Why do people always faint when I say that?

I still need that coffee. Who's buying? I might be a little obsessed ever since I went to Starbucks two weeks ago to buy my friend a Frappuchino. Yeah, I've been there before but not in a long long time. I can't deal with all those pretentious size names and I refuse to say them. I'll stick to English thank you. Why can't they be in another language that's easier to say...like Japanese. I know Japanese. Hah. Alright, maybe I'm a bit biased but Japanese really isn't that hard. It's way easier than Russian. I don't know what Derek is thinking. 
¶ 12:35 PM |

  lemieux. that's how you spell it! 
¶ 2:40 AM |

  Ice hockey. It's a good sport but how come Jags and Lemeuix can't be on the same team anymore? I mean fuck that shit. Grrr...a little hostility? Um, yeah.

Are you looking for something exciting to do this weekend? Well then come point and laugh as I attempt to sing and dance onstage and fully embarrass Harvard university in the process. Yes, that's right, I'm in THE CRADLE WILL ROCK at the Loeb Experimental Theater, 64 Brattle St, Thursday Friday and Saturday @ 7:30 and Saturday @ 3:30. Come and see. It will be entertaining at the very least....

Oh, yeah...First floor here I come.

Sorry, about all the "in" stuff on this post. I mainly put it here so I wouldn't forget. I have tons more to write but I really should be sleeping and I've been doing pretty well at staying off of AIM except for going on and pretending to be there for 3 seconds while I read people's away messages and definately not to see if Derek would be on because I emailed him and he hasn't written back yet, not like he checks that mail anyways and I'm just trying to survive and get into another college. OH NO!

This post made no sense. I still need that coffee. I got tea instead. $1.25 my ass, it normally is a buck. I hate those people charging you all sorts of different fees at the C-store. I mean fucking get your act together.

Yeah, about all the swearing. It's not normally me. I'm just wide awake and I haven't talked in ages and if I saw you and you looked eager for a friend I would run because I'm lonely and I need the company. 
¶ 2:39 AM |

  I guess you can't really know someone just by long lists of things. They afterall, just things that a person likes. I wouldn't say I'm someone defined by what they like. I do like a lot of things though. I rub off of other people. Mostly, this is taste in music. Name a band and I'll probably go listen to it if it's in a certain genre. Ska. Punk. Indie. Rock. Alternative. Alt. Country. Singer/Songwriter. More so, if it's a man than if it's a woman singer. I really don't listen to women artists that much. I'm not sure why. I never have. It must be because most fields are taken over by male artists. Rock and Roll has become all about testorone. I don' t mind it though. I like my tame indie pop songs.

Interesting.

I guess that's what sorta prompted this point I'm trying to make. Oh, well. I really want some coffee. How about you? 
¶ 7:23 PM |

  oh my god. life off of AIM is a bitch. i can do it but it's nice to have other conversations sometimes. i wish i got more email. yes, this is a desperate cry for someone to write me. it's here. i listed in twice. hint. huge fucking hint. please, someone take it.

oh, it better not be from mark, no offense. but hearing from you is not what i deem a good read. i want a fucking novel. yes, long emails or a least short witty ones not sarcastic remarks. what do you want from me anyways? really. you write, you know i'll IM. i think you know me too well and in someways that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

some people have been missing from my life way too long. i don't really miss anyone though. i'll get through it somehow, it's just a long lonely road. 
¶ 1:12 AM |

  RANDOM ME LISTS NEVER GET BORING!

Necessities: tootsie rolls - H&M - cute undies - Celestial Seasonings Roastaroma tea - red nail polish - skinny boys - Arizona Ice Tea - Glenn Rose Driving Zoo - studded belts - mod looks - cords - stickers - giraffes - swans - silver rings - stars - cuffed jeans - tattoos - eyebrow rings - blue eyes - tight hugs - soft kisses - Uno cards - jump roping in the Esplanade in spring in Boston - Deep Ellum Live in Dallas - small gestures - handwritten letters via snail mail - email (skafunkmelt@hotmail.com) - cemetaries - rainy days - foreign films - Japanese language - Sanrio - gel pens - mix tapes - dancing - new wave - the look of Sahara Hotnights - vegetarians - animal rights or at least respect for animals - black and white photos - skinny ties - concert tees - white belts - big belt buckles - converse all-stars - docs - black hair - red hair *wink wink* - Johnny Depp - Winona Ryder - Drew Barrymore - Jake Gyllenhaal - Argyle Socks - blankets on cold days

Entertainment: Daniel Pinkwater - Francesca Lia Block - Nick Hornby - Emma Forrest - Pagan Kennedy - Cometbus - Spin - Rolling Stone - Magnet - Skyscraper - Copper Press - makeoutclub - lipstickandcigarettes - suicidegirls - onlyundiesclub - burningangel - nerve - frictionusa - Edward Scissorhands - What's Eating Gilbert Grape - Empire Records - X-Files - scary movies while holding the hand of cute boys - Igby Goes Down

Ear Candy: Ryan Adams - Smashing Pumpkins - Pete Yorn - The Hives - Less Than Jake - Reel Big Fish - The White Stripes - The Vines - Stone Temple Pilots - Bjork - Pretty Girls Make Graves - The Shins - Queens of the Stone Age - Foo Fighters - The Strokes - Nirvana - Sugarcult - Sorry About Dresden - Beulah - Green Day - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - The Monkees 
¶ 6:15 PM |

 
 
¶ 10:18 PM |

   
¶ 10:13 PM |

  Why does my life get so good and than it all comes crashing down on me and I feel hopeless again? How come the only emails I get are from people I don't want to hear from? Don't you think you are blocked for a reason? I don't want to hear from you. You hurt me so bad and now's not the time to hear it again. NOW...is simply not the time because I am too weak right now and I might go running back because I don't know who else to run and I feel so lonely and anyone would do and you are the closest and I'm crying as I wrote this because I just had the worst dream ever in my whole entire life and I woke up crying from that and than the stupid email!

Then, of course, (and I'm writing this later in a less panicked state) I did IM him and we did talk and he tried to be nice but of course nice to him isn't quite nice at all. I just wanted to cry and to kick him off again which I did. I just can't take him anymore. I never could take him.

I'm off AIM for a bit. Email me: skafunkmelt@hotmail.com and tell me nice things so I can feel better. If you don't have anything nice to say, just keep it to yourself until I'm in a better mood. 
¶ 5:16 PM |

  Last night. Incredible.

First, I actually accomplished some sort of work so I didn't feel like a lazy bum all day just waiting for the red head to show. I read at Miss Nikki's. I love her room. It makes me want to curl up and never leave and watch all the doings and undoings of the LB. Those windows are amazing and as much as I hate the LB, I would love to have windows like that to let it light on a nice spring day. Unfortunately, blind time would have to occur at some time cause I don't want scuzzy boys watching me half-naked. Not that LB boys are scuzzy, only some of them are.

The date. Well, I'm not sure if you can call it that but it was enjoyable. We didn't do much...uh, which is to say that we made out on my bed. I had that lovely we-just-fooled-around-hair, which is always enjoyablely hard to maintain. I had an excellent time. You can always measure the amount of fun you have on a date like this by the lack of saliva left in your mouth. However, as great as that date was, I can't get past this feeling of something lost. Whenever our dates finish it's wonderful. I feel happy and I search for his smell (vintage clothes) on my sheets. I can still smell him on my fingers. I can't sleep because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget so I wear it out so much that it doesn't even seem the same anymore. I just keep morphing it to one little detail because in the end that's all I can remember and than he visits again and it's alright. Then the process starts all over again.

But why do I feel so sad? I feel like clinging to something and wishing he could stay forever. Sometimes I think it's better when I don't see him because I start to forget how good he is and how beautiful I think he is and I how I want to know every detail about him and I just want to lay on his chest and have him stroke my hair and it to never stop, ever. Then he goes and I feel like I can't go on. This is all cliche but what does this mean. I've never felt this way before. I never felt sad with That Boy and I never felt sad with Skyler. Why do I feel sad now? I just wish I could have all of him. I keep thinking that sex would make this all better but in the long run I know it will make it worse. Not worse. But something. Not closer. But maybe it would. I wish I could understand why I feel so bad.

I want to go out and buy things. Sometimes I can replace my sadness with a really great pair of new pants from a thrift store but right now that isn't a possibility because it's raining outside and I don't want to walk alone anywhere because I'm afraid of what I might do. When I get like this I want to be surrounded by everyone because I am so afraid I'm just going to kill myself. I mean I don't feel sad like that. I don't want my life to end but I want this feeling to go away. When he leaves I just get sad. I don't understand it either. Why can't I bring myself just to do it? Why? I'm afraid of disappointing him.

Whenever I listen to Ryan Adams I just want to fuck him. I want his hurt to go away and I think that he needs some sort of love to knock it all down the drain. That his pain could become my pain because no one that beautiful should hurt so much. He's amazing and that's probably why he gets so many women because his music is so powerful that you want parts of him in you. I feel like that about Derek. I want parts of him to stay with me. I can still taste him in my mouth. I think he tastes sorta like sandwiches with meat. Now, normally that would be sorta gross but it's a hint of taste and I don't eat meat anymore and to have it in this way is interesting. Third party. I don't even know if he eats that many sandwiches but it's certainly not a bad taste and he certainly is not offending in any way. Though he did seem to get shy when I wanted to see his Swarthmore ID. Good enough for the desksitter but not for me. I want to know what he looked like with long hair. Cute, I would presure. He's a cutie. 
¶ 12:49 PM |

  Do you have real player? Have fun here!! 
¶ 3:13 AM |

  right-o. today is almost saturday. how does that work? well, it's almost saturday somewhere right. it's saturday in germany. it's getting closer to my date. i'm a little nervous. a little anxious. a little perky. a little lost. a little of everything that a person can be. i sound like i'm in the military or something, which probably goes to say how seriously i take this date.

he mooed a little while ago. not really. he's aim alert mooed. i'm not very good at trying not to IM him. it's just how it has to be. i will get over it one day. one day a far far far far time from now.

i just hope everything works out. oh, and i do wish kate would stop rattling the door knob with her toes. it's unsettling and annoying. 
¶ 11:01 PM |

  Joe. Joe has blue eyes and the most swankiest hair style ever. He's beautiful. I'm not sure why. He stares at me and he holds stares and it makes me want to redefine my life right now. He's getting ready for a date tonight. Not with me. I have derek. I just love those eyes. I find it quite chilling how he stares at me. I wish I could sit with him all the time and stare into those eyes and lose myself. I mention boys a lot. I know.

i had a pet peeve i was going to write down. i know i just stopped using capitals like two seconds ago. i just find it goes much more flowy this way. if you have a problem with it. speak up! i can't remember my pet peeve. so my pet peeve is not being able to remember what my pet peeve was.

my head still hurts. 
¶ 2:41 PM |

  HE'S COMING! Oh yeah...he's coming. my cutie red head is coming. am i a little too excited? oh yeah. i am.

YAY!!!!! 
¶ 12:16 AM |

  i tell you. one IM leads to thousands. everyone's uncle has IMed me today for no reason. people that i haven't talked to in months days and it's all happening tonight. i wish it would all go away. there's only one person, well two...that i could handle even talking to right now. the sidekick. the red head.

the sidekick and i are on vacation. hiatus. i talked about this before. it's not a big deal and i think it's important we have one. i just wish it wasn't now when i'm having all this strange issues. more than normal i guess. i have lots of issues and i change my mind all the time. i just wish he were around to listen. i still hope he's reading this. not that that will change anything.

i feel funny. i feel better. the gardenburger helped a little. i still have a headache. i should sleep more. i'm outtie. i wanted to go to starbucks but i just don't feel like it. i need some sort of protein so maybe i'll pick up some peanuts at the c-store. yum. 
¶ 7:15 PM |

  yikes. it's all happening again so fast. i can feel you in blood and i can feel you so fast. all that was good has now turned rotten. i must throw everything out and try again. i keep having this horrible burning deep inside my stomach. i feel like i'm going to be sick and than i go to sleep and it's all alright. i didn't go to another class this week and i know i've lost it all. everything that i built up...the new room, the new pledge, the new friends. it's all gone. it's all down the drain. i just want something to make sense. 1 LOUSY THING.

so i've decided when he comes over this weeked, if he comes over this weekend that i will tell him. that i want to be his only. his number one. his beautiful cute "goth" girl and that there better be no others. i know i'm a little lost soul. i know i'm lost. i think i'm doing the right thing but in the end all i end up is screwed.

why do i feel so lonely? i have the most beautiful caring roommates of all time but somehow the words aren't coming out as easily as i would like them to. not that they ever want to hear what's going on inside. i could be black tar inside and sometimes i just feel like what i feel is petty. like it will never matter. hey, buster...we have bigger problems go cry to someone else. i can't help that my problems are small potatoes. they seem like huge mountainous piles to me with loads of gravy and butter. i can't make any sense out of why i'm being this way.

my koundoura paper is due december 12. can you say screwed? i hate that woman. i really hate that woman.

i feel cold and warm all at once. i know that this whole week could be changed by this one boy. why does he make me so happy? it's disgusting. i wish somedays that i lived closer and that he could hold me the whole day long like he did once in front of the mirror in room 707 and when i looked up and saw us together i knew something was there. i am fun! he is fun! let's be fun nerds together. yay! i just know that i don't want to be with anyone else and that when i do think about being with someone else it just seems wrong.

there once was a sidekick i'll call jello. he was a wonderful sidekick. we shared everything. we got along perfectly. now our relationship is on hiatus. he did apologize. that takes an awfully big man to do that. i get over it. i know that he does this. i still love him. i still care. i always want him to be there. can he be a bridesmaid? i wonder if he'll wear a pastal dress? wait, pants suit. he'll look splendid. can you get married in black? i sure hope so. white was never my thang. wait...off-white is damn sexy. i saw the greatest dress ever in an April Cornell but we didn't buy it. i wanted to be married in that. wouldn't it be frightening to know that the person you are dating had already picked out a wedding dress. i think it would be. not that i date girls. a tuxedo is one thing. a wedding dress is for only one thing...wait, two. weddings and halloween. oh, perhaps certain emerson functions as well.

i want him to be here now. my ginger boy. my cute little ginger boy. 
¶ 3:51 PM |

  drip. drip. drip. that's the sink in the kitchen. that's iggy jr. the water logged iguana who is shrinking back to normal size. that's me inside wet from so many dreams. i can hardly feel myself think anymore. my stomach is in knots and i can't get them untied. i feel each corner with my right hand and i am blinded by your beauty. starstruck by what you give me. starstruck that you don't exist. are you there? are you around?

love is telling someone that you love them as much as you can. people forget. i never do. i always spread it around. why hide love when so many people don't have it?

i miss my cutie cambridge boy. will he ever return to the refurnished castle of diana? one day my prince will return. i hope he leaves the vintage. 
¶ 9:47 PM |

  Could this be an any less attractive picture?


Which female sex symbol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a ROCKSTAR. You're fucking hott. Everyone's eyes are on you all the time. You're not classy, you're sassy, and it shows. Sometimes you like to rev chainsaws while you're growling on stage, or set cadillacs on fire. You're sort of a porn star too, but you're too cool to be thought of as a slut. And you have a special talent of putting 7 ping pong balls in your crotch and shooting them so hard at the ceiling that they bounce off. Go you, you're awesome in bed. 
¶ 12:01 AM |

  Tis a season to be tired and lazy. No, it's not Christmas, it's Clean Your Room Day. Not really. I did though. I almost finished vacuuming. There's a lot more to vacuum than I thought. I moved my bed and my desk. I sorta like it now. It's all nice and new. I feel sorta productive but mostly just tired. I should read my Zen book but I just don't feel like it. I feel like being all snuggly in my bed with a cute cambridge red head. He's not here though so I'll have to be all snuggly with the strawberry shortcake comforter. It's not really strawberry shortcake but its got the same color scheme, I guess. I don't know. The boy told me that once. Who knows?

My back hurts. But that's because I'm sitting in my chair the wrong way with no back support. I should go. I really should.

Expect more exciting bedroom tales in the near future. Oh, I've been getting headaches more frequently than usual. Could I be dying? Does anyone know? 
¶ 11:35 PM |

  I love those googly eyes over there on the left. The ones part of my tagbook. God, they are so cute and funny. Why is it so worried? Is there not a bathroom close by sweetie? I'm a strange one. I know it. I know it. I know it.

Kisses.

Don't ask. Something must be in all this water I'm drinking. 
¶ 1:14 AM |

  Who knew? The boy has returned and brought much joy and added enthusiasm. I might be able to make it through this week without a nervous break down. That surely would be a nice thing wouldn't it? Yeah, it fucking would.

Wish me luck. I need it.  
¶ 1:11 AM |

  There was a boy at 132 that looked me in the eye and said hello. Actually, hi. Then he went out for a smoke. I want this boy. I do. I DO. He will be mine.

...in my dreams. 
¶ 10:05 PM |

  What happened to the 80s? I like new wave. I miss it. I miss early ninties grudge. What's wrong with that? I don't think there's been a better band than Nirvana. Yeah, I think Kurt deserves all the fame. He probably wouldn't have if he didn't die though. I think he got to his prime. Then crashed and burned. That's probably a good thing. The music is raw and pure. No, I'm not glad he's dead. But look at the Smashing Pumpkins. Come on...two electric albums. I miss the days of the beauty and simpleness of Siamese Dream and I will always stand behind Mellon Collie 100%. I'm a mellon collie girl all the way. It got me through the worse times. It probably caused some of those bad times. Nothing like being depressed. Not real depression but the depression you make in your head so you have a safe place to go to when you are sad and want to stay that way.

I went on a visit to Starbucks. First time since sometime this summer. I adore coffee. Tea...even better.

Let's go have tea and get drunk off of cheap beer. (Not that I drink beer, but for you the world.) If you think this is about you, than you are probably wrong. I'm only living for myself now. I use to have a second half. The good side. Now it's just me and me. All by lonesome searching for the truth in the matter. 
¶ 10:02 PM |

  I apologize for the below boredom hottie list. It's only for the people that don't care. It's there. I'm a tired soul in need of a good time. I'm not sure what that means. If I could land someone that cared about music as much as I do that would make me the happiest girl in the whole world. I don't even want to talk about music with them. I just want them to list their Top 5 Records and list the underground subcultures to me while I moan in their ear. Also, owning a cat is a plus.

I like mix tapes, baby. Do you? 
¶ 3:19 PM |

  THE HOTTIES OF LnC!
warning: yeah, so i went hottie shopping. if you know any of these fine specimans. drop me a line. hehe.

I think I could go for a guy like this, but he still doesn't beat out this boy.

However, there is still no boy quite like this one. He's mine. Back off!

Mmm...can't you tell how bored I am?

It should be illegal to have hair this good.

Can I take this one home?

A beautiful speciman. Mmm...I think so.

This is a boy from AZ. Yowzah!

P.S. The red head is the evasive derek. 
¶ 2:27 PM |

  So this morning I spent $91.10 buying tickets to see Billy Corgan. If you wait, he will come. Alright, I know that's not the correct saying but it's true. Billy is mine and he knows it. Why else come to Boston and play a real show with Coldplay and OkGo...how awesome is that. I kept telling myself that there is no way I was going to miss the White Stripes unless Billy Corgan came. And low and behold, he's here. The man of my dreams. Alright, the man that once was the man of my dreams. He's still a fucking genius. So yeah. Plus, I don't have to miss the White Stripes because Jack White is doing a movie with JUDE LAW. I mean fuck, Jude Law. Cold Mountain. I'm so mega excited about that movie now. Not only is there a Jude but there is a Jack too. I don't need any other reasons than that to see a film.

Oh, go see Igby Goes Down. That's an awesome movie. I really enjoyed it. I saw it in a shoebox of a theater because its been out for so long. It was fun. The soundtrack is awesome. However, the soundtrack does not exist. I tried looking for it. Those bastards never made a soundtrack for the movie. Damn.

I never swear like this. It must be the pirate influences. I'm coming up with a new AIM profile. If you can help...leave a little note in the little tagbook on the left. It will be much appreciated. 
¶ 2:03 PM |

  My old AIM profile:

OODD...you figure it out. :-)

It's cold in here and it's a proven fact that beds are made for more than one.

Being a White Stripe is hard. How the hell do they find red pants anyways?

emo = imo = potato
explain that one.

"emo's when you give a blind girl a heart-shaped guitar and she can miraculously see again." ~Ian's friend

Dead animals are not funny. Nor will they ever be. So yeah, I'm one of those kinds of people.

 
¶ 2:32 AM |

  I feel empty. I guess I feel like I understand myself more. That somehow I've become more like who I am suppose to be. I'm not some shy girl. I'm not wildly aggressive. I'm just in the middle Diana. Wildly confused Diana. Alright, I've had my fun now its' time to settle down. I'm settling down. Who will marry me? I'm taking requests. Ok, that's not true. I just want something serious. Something sure while all the walls are crumbling down. I want one steady rock in my garden of sliding mud. Something to grasp.

I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Please forgive me. I need to shower out all my grossness. 
¶ 10:22 PM |

  I have come to the conclusion that all the boys in my life have been kidnapped. There is no derek. There is no sidekick. Everyone has disappeared like Ranger Bars in the LB. Why is that? No moo in site. Derek's alert noise if you must know. Where is everyone? Where is the love? I'm dealing. I'm not even pissed. I'm just curious.

I have a date, rather semi-date on monday. It's going to be cancelled for no reason. I feel guilt. It's there. I really like derek so I wish I would stop doing this to myself. Stop making these dates with boys I don't like. Or actually, don't want to like. Basically, I know one replacement for derek and somehow I doubt I'll be going out with him. Everything seems so unclear. Everything seems so hazy. Is it muggy in here or is it just me? I just feel uncomfortable dating around now. I don't want to date around. I want to date derek. Evasiveness sucks.

As you can tell I'm not in the mood to write. Plus, my computer is updating itself and keeps making things difficult on the typing.

More later, perhaps. 
¶ 1:58 PM |

  Wow. The sun rises...and it's 3 am. I'm tired of 3 am nights. I should be sleeping. This should be done now. We know this story. Hey, I'm just another sexy bitch among all you procrastinators. I know it's such a crime. Mwahahaha. I'm devilishly evil like that. >:-) Grr, baby, grr. I'm in a strange mood. I know that if I fall asleep now that I will not get up to finish this nonsense. I can do it. I can do it. Pray for me.

Oh, by the way...another C- for you. I suck. 
¶ 2:54 AM |

  Sean Dack! Yay for super cute director boy. I would party with him anyday! 
¶ 2:40 PM |

  Halloween candy. I didn't get enough candy to suck on. Like hard candy. Come on, I just wanted some Lifesavers or something. I'm eating a Tootsie Roll Pop. I don't even like lollipops that much. I just need the sugar because I'm all dried up and I don't want to actually eat real food. I really like the feeling of being empty and grumbling inside. Does this mean I have an eating disorder? Yes, most certainly. I hate to say it but it scares me but I like it at the same time. I mean I'm eating. I really can't just stop. I like food too much. But there is a tinge of guilt for every meal. I don't go out and celebrate not eating. It's sick I know. I need some sort of help. I should tell someone but I wouldn't know what to say. I've hinted at it but because I'm still eating no one really gets it. No one knows what goes on inside my sick sick mind.

I have ten minutes before I have to leave for class. I've finished a whole half tube of Pringles. BBQ. Damn tasty. I finished reading for my class. Yes, I still feel quite accomplished when I finish my work. Hopefully, I start my paper tonight and not wait till the last minute. I NEED TO START TONIGHT! No exceptions.

Alrighty, I'm listening to Green Day and I've already listened to parts of 3 different albums. Insomniac, Warning, and Nimrod. I really want Dookie but my stupid friend didn't burn it for me so I might have to shell out some cash for it. It's really cheap because everyone in the world owns it...BUT ME! Well, I was 2nd in my group of close friend to buy Mellon Collie. Hah. Who knew that would turn into some sort of obsession? Really, who knew?

I don't even listen to this music anymore. It's funny how things like this hit you like a...rock in the head from the mean neighbor boy. More and more alternative music has been invading my life as of late. I have a craving for Nirvana. I should just go out and buy it. I need to own it. Basically, everyone should own some Nirvana if they want to attain nirvana. OMG...let's pretend I just didn't say that.

This is a wickedly strange post. I think I'm too tired. Or messed up on boys. Boys mess me up pretty good in the head.

The White Stripes and The Vines are coming to Boston. I've seen The Vines. Bleh. The White Stripes. Now that's pretty exciting. They're weird monkey sounds coming out of the next room. The room connected to my room. My room actually. The part that houses the other two roommates. Hmm...are they not telling me something? 
¶ 12:27 PM |

  Should I feel like dying once I know the truth? Yeah. Not fun.

I went on a little walking tour with a boy from the library...BPL...it was fun. He was nice. It was way too fucking cold to participate in it though. Naps are starting to feel like God. I'm not really in an updating blogging type mood right now. I just feel like...er...not being around and sleeping for long periods of time to make things go away because I really don't want to know the truth and the truth sounds worse from the magic box than it does in person but I really like him and I wish it could have a happier ending in some sort of way.

Falling in love with a sidekick is a faux pas. 
¶ 1:35 AM |

  Walking down Boylston today I ran into some real wackos...not really that big of a surprise really. So, there was a psychic that told me that I have been battling some real obstacles in love. Yeah, well that's true but isn't in for everyone? She said that good luck was to come. Apparantly, she's Boston's number 1 psychic for 20 years. She's been reading since she was 12. If she wasn't $35, I would dig it.

Also, I ran into the crazy animal rights activist lady by the library. I had an urge to interview her for my probject due on Friday but I didn't want to watch the table for a half an hour again. She had a partner so who knows. She seemed a little happier this time.

When I went to Walgreens to pick up my photos. The boy running the photo counter said, "You Diana's sure cause a lot of hearbreak. Are you a heartbreaker?" I reply, "No." He says, "You do. I know you do." Great. I do not. Lousy stupid photo man. Well, who knows if I was ever in a stable enough of a relationship and figured out what I really wanted than maybe I could figure it out. More people break my heart than vice versa.

Bleh. I made a sorta meeting with a boy tomorrow. I doubt it will go well. He seems really nice though and cool and I can't pass down hanging out with cool people. Cool people that have hardcore bands while I fiddle around not knowing what I really want to do. Boy. I wish I was that lucky. At least he has something to fall back on. I'll just be a bum. Wow. The bum life for me in the midwest. I still have that dream. It will come true!  
¶ 12:35 AM |

  I've had a headache for three days on and off. I'm getting radiation poisoning from sitting in front of the computer too long. I'm dead. So dead. Look out for me dear dear sidekick. We'll call it a toss up that I could't be there for you in your time of drunken hopitalness. I apologize, perhaps next time. 
¶ 11:10 AM |

  I can't sleep again. I feel so anxious and lost and all these things at one time. How can that be? I've been having these intense headaches for days now. I'm afraid to take advil for it will mix with the alcohol and I'll die lying in a puddle of my own vomit. Plus, the roommates won't want to deal with that. I respect them for that.

My room is so cold. I can hardly read and comprehend and understand all these things. I wish that I was 12 again sometimes and that things made sense. Wait, not 12...5. I understood things then. I miss that age. When I lied to my mother to go out and play in the rain. Those were the good old days. Those were the days when I sang "singing in the rain" and didn't know it was from a musical and that was fine because no one really cared and no one really knew that I would sneak outside and spend at least 30 minutes wandering around my yard with a red umbrella with ducks printed on it singing that song. No one cared. And that was fine. That was also a time when I didn't know what was going on and that was fine too. I didn't need to be aware of the news. I didn't overanalyze. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up and that was fine. I had crushes on boys but didn't wonder if I'll ever be married. That was just all a give in. I knew it was going to happen so why worry. No worry. No worries. Like that song says, "Don't worry. Be happy."

It's been years since I've heard that song.

I wish this headache would go away and that it would be the weekend and that school actually distracted me more than stupid relationship problems I have with a boy that doesn't really exist or with the boy that does exist but barely exists in my world. He's here but not. I like that cambridge red head a whole fucking lot. I just read a Nerve horoscope that was horribly accurate that I felt like crying. He's pisces go check it out. I'm virgo and mine is true too. I wish it wasn't and that it gave better advice. Why be something I'm not.

I'm going to try to go to bed now and stop writing in this stupid blog. We know that won't happen. Look for me tomorrow. 
¶ 2:51 AM |

  Could I be on MOC with these? Please, please Gibby.

Cemetaries are sexy. Let's go hold hands and wish everything away. We'll lay on carhoods and look into the skies and hope for something to make sense. It never will. But wishing never hurt anyone. I'm alone in a jazz filled existence though I shut it off and listen to Pete Yorn instead. I can't say I have a preference. Boys just make sense to me.

I'd fuck you if you let me touch your skinny wrists and taught me guitar. I draw a star tattoo on my hand because it's cheaper than getting the real thing. You want to pay for it. Go right ahead.

I need to be filled up. Will you help me?

Watching Evil Dead 2. You holding me while I hide beneath floral comforters waiting for the silence to be filled up.

What's sexy? Your breath in my ear filling up the void and making me care.

Jello shots and a boy like you. 
¶ 12:28 AM |

  Alright. It's slowly but surely going to work out into something that I like again. But for now please bare with me as I attempt to make this a pleasant place for a nice little visit. I love nice visits. What about you? 
¶ 12:26 AM |

  Woohoo. The Hipster Brigade is back in action. All that information that I thought I would lose. It's all a lie. It's still there. Woofuckinghoo. So here I am. Yours Truly. I've been doing so much skipping blogging action that it's insane. I don't like it. I want there to remain one place. Maybe two. Here and a livejournal perhaps. You know for a change of pace. I miss the old bloggity blog. So here I am all fresh and new. I'm gonna write in here again. I hope people didn't forget me. 
¶ 11:57 PM |

  Hip Hip Hooray! 
¶ 11:50 PM |

  Yeah, so I have this secret blogger that isn't really a secret but it's nice to have secrets sometimes, don't you think? I really want to get this blog working again and in it's previous functioning order so I don't have to get it all published that strange way that I have it going now. I've been writing and thinking and talking and doing all sorts of unDianaish things lately. I'm not sure what's up. So I'm all over the place. I'm under tables. On top of buildings. And no, I'm not a Gap Advertisement. Alright, I'm rambling but that's one of the things I'm really good at. Studying for tests is something I'm definately not good at. I can do it. I just don't give myself enough time. I mean dammit. I should remember the 8 Fold Path. I want to remember the 8 Fold Path. Why can't I remember the 8 Fold Path? I'm trying. I'm gaining momentum. Tonight might be a time for drink and contemplation. Can you contemplate while on drink? Maybe. Who knows? So I should go because I should be down stairs but who knows if the clock swipe card thing is working. Actually, I think it is functioning. Which is nice because I'm not going to have to work that hard then. Working hard is not something I'm good at at the moment. I want to work hard. I have all the lists formed in my head. They never make it to paper and they get all jumbled in my head and it's a damn shame. Alright. Back to Business. I'll update this more.

THIS IS NOT A DEAD LINK DAMMIT! 
¶ 2:51 PM |