The Hipster Brigade
expect something new sometime soon.
i'm starting to sound like a fortune cookie.
19, 22, 34, 16, 7, 43
thank you, suileabháin
it's really starting to feel like fall here. it smells like open air and falling leaves. i'm exciting for the upcoming weather and the crunching sad, but am sad for the days of short sleeves and even shorter skirts. i guess i'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. i plan to buy lots of wooly tights to help keep my legs warm during the coolest of months & so i can still show them off in my skirts. such a terrible obsession, i know.
i think there are some friendships that are too lost to be found again. almost like it's just not worth picking up a pen to write it down, because in the end, you know you'll never make it in the new yorker. i don't know. i just wish things didn't have to end this way.
i am wearing mittens in my room and cursing the absense to able to control the heat in my room! damn you emerson college! i'm also holding back from buying things online just so i get some mail delivered. i can't think of anything sadder than an empty mailbox. except for maybe an empty heart.
p.s. look up there at my face! i am breaking out and have bruises on my thighs. i'm falling to pieces. this is not the way i wanted to go.
i don't have the same interest in blogs that i once had not too long ago. i don't feel i have the time to keep up, and it seems that all my favorite people have gotten lives or no longer have the urge to write. it doesn't mean i'll abandon this, because i'm much too stubborn, but i spend too much time on livejournal nowadays. although, blogger is so close to my heart -- introduced to me from an ex-lover/boyfriend -- and it'll remian that way through time. it's amazing to me that this is almost my fourth year(?) writing here.
i've kissed 19 boys in all the time i've had this little thing. that seems like such a large number. sometimes i feel like a whore.
i've gone and come back and gone and come back. i feel like every person that has been reading this has seen every up and down i've already gone through. i'm not sure if anyone actually "knows" me, but someone out there might feel some sort of connection, a slight pull at the heart strings. i always say that this was never meant to entertain, at least, not in its present state. long ago, i used to write to an audience.
figures, i can't attract a single soul in real life, but somehow a few black words in some out of date font can attract a lot of bachelors. although, i'm so happy where i'm at, which perhaps scares me just a bit. i think sometimes i would rather be alone than have the greatest person by my side. i'm so scared of destroying what's there. that he'll wake up one morning and find that i'm not the person he thought i was. i wonder if that feeling will ever go away?
on a happier note:
& see shaun of the dead.
that is all.
is anybody out there?
are you okay? i'm not doing so well. i feel a bit sick to my stomach and my head hurts. i have the window open but i'm burning up. i toss and turn at night and i feel a bit too aware of my teeth touching. i grit and grind them all night long in the hopes that one day they will lie flat against each other.
i feel a bit overwhelmed even when i have nothing to do. i always feel overwhelmed. i can only handle one problem at a time, and this needs to be resolved. life doesn't let you handle one thing at a time. you have to be able to multi-task in sensory overload. i don't do very well in that. in fact, i flunked right out.
sometimes i just don't have anything to say, and the things i do have to say, i don't know how to say in english or any other language. i can say it in small touches to your face, soft kisses to your neck and looking deep into your eyes.
do you ever wake up so in love that you feel like you might explode? everyday i feel a little too full of it. it disgusts me. i want it out. i never asked for this. i think often of just him and i alone together holding hands -- just the two of us -- where nothing can get to us. like a vacation from everything and everyone. i think it would do us some good to relax.
sometimes i want to stop time and touch your hips -- slide them over and over your bones -- and kiss your soft lips. i feel embarrassed full of rough skin, acne and oily hair. i want to be your perfect doll. i like that you say i'm beautiful always. today, when i looked in the mirror, i saw past the blotches and to the center of my eyes and exclaimed, "i am beautiful." which felt really nice. even i was impressed how well the pictures came out.
i am 23 and i feel like i have everything figured out, except i have no job, i'm still in school and i'm over my head in debt. i just know things will work out, because who could stop us? i think i talk about us too much. perhaps i should stop. i just don't know how.
what a dirty mind
pick me out a costume on trashy dot com
! i'm just curious how trashy everyone thinks i am. haha
brand new polaroids taken with matte film.
scarf weather is almost upon us
how do you explain love
i couldn't see him last night. i cannot see him tonight. and i know tomorrow when i embrace him, i'll fall in love all over again. i'm wishing there wasn't an important game tonight and i find it quite comforting that he's still talking to me on AIM, when he should be fully concentrated on baseball. i want to be there with him holding his hand and watching him smile widely when they score another run.
except this time it's a little different. i just want it to be us, no noise, holding hands, and just talking like we normally do. and he tells me about his day and about something he heard on the tv and maybe he'll drop in a funny joke or two and probably bring up something he heard maybe years ago. he seems to know everything about everything and it's quite charming. it's not pushy and he doesn't act like a know-it-all. often i feel like he looks up to me. that somehow i have something that he wants, and i'm still trying to figure out what he is lacking. he seems to have everything. to me, he is perfect.
i remember walking with him lost in the streets of boston one night -- last year -- post halloween. & telling him i didn't believe in love and that i couldn't trust someone and every fucking issue i've ever had with every single person that has ever dated me or how i seem to "fall in love" with all the wrong people, except i don't know it till it hurts them and it haunts me. then somehow i find myself feeling comfortable with him. i find i'm asking myself, "do i love him?" but not wanting to say it. maybe i was wrong. how could i tell?
all my friends knew. seems like everyone knew before me.
i guess what i'm saying and i know no words can be perfect, but i wish he was right here right now and every single other romantic cliche in the book. it feels so strange to be just one now. it's not like i'm dependent on him, but it just feels right. it just feels like how things are supposed to be. and i think the reason people say, "i don't remember what life was like before you," is that you really do start to forget. it's not that love is consuming your life, but it just is.
so curious, yeah right
i know you were dying inside with anticipation, so:
introduction to poetry 10-11:15
american literature 1-2:15
advanced fiction writing 2-3:45
novel into film 6-9:45
advanced fiction writing 2-3:45
it's a weird feeling knowing that i'll be out of college this year. i will be one WLP (writing, literature and publishing) BFA (bachelor of fine arts) richer. i can't say i'm excited or scared. i'm just floating right now. i'm thinking about time after school in a pretty new apartment with my boyfriend (8 months, 16 days together so far) and sharing my beanbag chair and kissing all the time. even in the morning, despite the breath. it's strange even now to spend our nights apart. it just feels like something is missing.
i have so many pictures to scan. i'm hoping to get that done this weekend. i have a lot to get done this weekend. i'm crossing my fingers. it feels nice to be doing homework again. it's been so long since i've had to think about things. sounds silly, but i wasn't really doing homework last semester. i was barely reading the material. sometimes i'm surprised i made it out alive. yeah, every year is like that for me. i'm always crossing my fingers and hoping i don't blow up.
i should be in bed. why aren't i?
i haven't listened to music in a long time. nothing personal. i'm still in love. music is still my boyfriend
. my ears feel a bit tender, i guess. i've been too busy with the red sox or reading or not being around. i haven't had time to sit down and write and write and write. i feel like i've been on my feet for a little too long. i'd like to have a tired tea party sunday afternoon right now. too bad it's three days away till the day of rest. but i'm sure god has something outrageous for me that day. perhaps a hurricane or a tornado will sweep me off my feet and land me in a whole other state. i don't believe i'd blink twice if that were to happen.
my hands are bruised and bloody. i feel like i've been kneading them for hours. tired with cold. room 205 is much too cold for anyone to concentrate. today, i wrote about a man who brushes the teeth of all the animals of the willie's circus. he has his own trailer and he shares it with his chimpanzee, priscilla. i think that's one of my favorite names now. at least for inanimate objects and animals.
this week i spent finalizing my schedule by dropping two classes and switching to a bachelor of fine arts (BFA) instead of just a BA. somehow i feel a bit wiser, but i'm still the stupid girl that everyone loves. my desk is surrounded my photographs i have yet to scan. i keep meaning to plug everything in and hang everything up, but instead everything stays in big piles on the floor. i quite dislike it. i just can't do a thing about it right now. i'm much too worn out.
dear readers, lovers and others:
there is just not enough time in the day for all of the things that must get done. there are other letters i could be writing write now, but instead, i choose to address you, friends. i spent today racing around campus to classes to dorm to student union to library and back. i have to remind myself to eat and that i need food for the energy and to stay alive. i used to spend almost full days on no food and i becamse sluggish and worn out and cranky. i've learned since those days though.
i've been to each of my classes and i think i figured out which one i'm going to drop. it was a really hard choice, but i basically fell in love with my advanced fiction writing teacher which made me rethink taking introduction to personal essay. i know i'll be buried alive under all the reading and writing from two literature classes and to two writing courses, but i'll cross my fingers and take a deep breath. i have a lot of people pushing me and helping me nowadays. i have a lot of hands to hold if i need them.
it's chilly in my room tonight and i'm thinking of putting on my legwarmers and a sweatshirt and sitting in my study nook reading for my american lit class. i'll be thinking of zines and pralines while i do so. i am so terribly unfocused.
till next time,
searching for a solution
okay, i know i have a ridiculous amount of cameras as it is, but i got a 20 dollar gift certificate from lomography
and i don't want to waste it. so help me decide.
should i get a pop 9
or an oktomat
and please keep in mind i already own an action sampler flash
which is somewhat similar to the oktomat. see:
unfortunately, none of these are my photographs.
-$10 from my sister to see Garden State & a funny card
-$150 from my grandma
-the plastic fantastic lomography bundle
(all that, plus this
)-- my my! so much camera action! -- from my mom
-the milk-eyed mender by joanna newsom
from craig w.
-$25 gift certificate from fred flare
from my mom
-free lip gloss from the benefit
counter at filene's from melody
&&& keys to my boyfriend's new apartment.
although, i think the best gift came unwrapped and a lot too early (say, august 31). when a shaggy-haired lanky boy waiting by his bike, swaggered up like an urban cowboy to make out with me in front of everyone in davis square. but i guess that doesn't count as a birthday gift, just an everyday one.
absolutely falling apart
i am not going to make it!
this college thing has got me way down. i honestly sit and think about how i'm not going to be able to make it through an entire year of school work and stressful situations. i mean this is not a normal situation, this is me having a complete breakdown (sophomore year of college style). i haven't been on my medication for 8 days & it's definitely making a difference. i'm falling apart.
yesterday, i saw Garden State
and i was disappointed. i laughed, and cried and cried. i thought there moments of sheer brilliance in the script, and there were way too many points that hit home with me. but, i can't really enjoy any movie that has a woman carrying around a dead hamster. seriously, not funny!
i guess that movie started making me think i can't make anyone happy & i'm a huge disappointment to everyone & i have no friends & at least when he goes home he has some stoner friends to hang out with and i have no one & etc. i walked out of the theater in tears. i just don't want to be this way anymore. i cannot pull myself together.
why would anyone want to be around someone that is never happy and can't fix herself and has to take medication because she is so messed up? i haaaaaaaaate it.
japanese blue undies
i'm not sure who knows and who doesn't, but i don't mind talking about it again. last night, loudly at the party i started talking about how sexually i'm a bit different and i find tons of strange things visually attractive, like:
and i pointed out to my boyfriend how normal he seems to be and he mentioned how he wanted to take pictures of me again, and how happy this makes me. how i've always wanted my pictures taken. i've becoming a little less shy about revealing this side to other people. i guess i don't want to hide behind this anymore, and i know that everyone can't understand why i enjoy it so much. i've lost a lot of friends (so-called friends?) over this. i guess you don't have to accept every little quirk of someone, and it's not like i sit over sushi and contemplate porn (although, i have) but i guess this is something i need to explore a bit further. honestly, i'm a bit tired of hardcore fucking and huge plastic tits and i think the body can be beautiful and if it happens to turn someone on in the process, that's certainly not a bad thing.
summer 2002, taken by russell c. on a whim
if you have a livejournal, you might want to add me here: the dirty chisel
i don't really belong on the internet anymore. oh no, i'm not giving up and i'm not going to stop writing. this was never meant as a place to impress anyone. this was meant for me and if others enjoy it, i'm certainly happy that they've found a place to entertain themselves for a few minutes. i was never meant to please.
last night, i was at a going away party for a friend. we have bonded, sang together and even had a drink from the same glass. i wouldn't say he was a best friend or even a close friend, but something a bit higher up then average person i see everyday on the street. i can't say that i ever knew him though.
he was my boyfriend's roommate and there were enough moments where we were all watching tv and talking about boobs than i'd like to remember. but he is going away to college -- UMASS-Amherst and i'm proud.
it was at this party that i realized i'm a mess at social occasions. i start feeling closed in and i end up sitting in the corner singing along to the music instead of talking to the party guests. last night, i wasn't up for drinking and could only pull myself together for small group interactions. i'm slightly jealous watching my boyfriend talk and laugh with everyone. i can't be like that. he wants me to be social and speak to everyone but for me it's not that easy. i feel different, shunned and outcasted. i feel like i don't belong. it's funny considering every one of his friends seem to adore me, but i don't fit. i feel like the puzzle piece you keep trying to jab in the wrong spots. and no matter what you do, it'll never fit because it belongs to another puzzle you lost a couple of years ago.
last night, i crashed into his arms hiding my face under sheets and sobbing and crying and trying to suck back the tears. i was embarassed and ashamed. i feel like this can't be me. i would certainly like my money back, because i'm broken and no matter what i do, i don't seem to be getting any better.
i'm eating brie and crackers right now, but the brie tastes bad so i'm just sucking up the succulent insides and hoping i don't die from an overdose of cheese.
i don't think i'll ever stop rambling.
just another (girl) crush
i'm starting to have more and more crushes on girls lately. i'm not sure what it is about them, but i've been noticing more and more beautiful women everyday. i'm not exactly attracted to them sexually, but i find them irresistable and want to stare at their pretty lips, eyes and hands all through the night. i want to coax them into coffee with me and then have interesting conversation late into the night. somehow i'm doubting this will ever happen.
i've had sexual thoughts of women before. i guess i'm curious what kissing another woman would be like, and if it's quite different from kissing a man. i seem to be attracted to effeminate men anyhow and their gentle caring ways. i've thought about going down on women too. i think i might be a bit too aggressive for another woman though. i feel too rough. i used to think i was a boy when i was a little girl. that my voice was too deep. i didn't know you needed a penis too.
now my boyfriend is obsessed i'm going to go out and have girl sex. the problem is that all the girls i have crushes on are either straight or in other states or i simply don't know. i promised him photos, because even though he is a sweetheart he can't help but be into lesbians. i don't really blame him. chicks are hot!
days are not daisies
i've been in boston, massachusetts for one, two, three days now and i still haven't been to the photobooth or the dining hall or barely anywhere at all. i haven't felt put together in a long long time. i thought coming here would fix the anxiety, but i still feel a bit shaken. i'm on my meds and i'm thinking about the coming classes and winter and being able to wear scarves and sweaters again.
i've thinking about pretty packages and mix tapes, and everything i don't want to get done before the 13th. i'm thinking about the sex i had on day one and how i'm still aching from it in that good-ache sort of way.
i have things to do today that will surely result in much boredom, but it must be done. i hope that my photobucket images of the zoo reappear sometime tonight, because they were pretty!
my hate for the internet is steadily growing. i'm running out of reliable sources. so for anyone that didn't get to see the last post that i was pretty excited about, then you will just have to wait patiently till it gets fixed! i'm tired of image hosting -- what a beast!
they were all taken by my fantastic friend, miss geerah, and her very expensive digital camera. don't ever let the weather bring you down -- hot, muggy days at the zoo can be fun, except when the zoo closes at 5pm and there is a massive downpour and you parked really far away and you are wearing a barely there dress and no bra!
i hope you have a nicer day than the ones i've been having lately. oh, the wrath of my mother.