Monday, September 06, 2004
losing control
i don't really belong on the internet anymore. oh no, i'm not giving up and i'm not going to stop writing. this was never meant as a place to impress anyone. this was meant for me and if others enjoy it, i'm certainly happy that they've found a place to entertain themselves for a few minutes. i was never meant to please.
_________________________________
last night, i was at a going away party for a friend. we have bonded, sang together and even had a drink from the same glass. i wouldn't say he was a best friend or even a close friend, but something a bit higher up then average person i see everyday on the street. i can't say that i ever knew him though.
he was my boyfriend's roommate and there were enough moments where we were all watching tv and talking about boobs than i'd like to remember. but he is going away to college -- UMASS-Amherst and i'm proud.
it was at this party that i realized i'm a mess at social occasions. i start feeling closed in and i end up sitting in the corner singing along to the music instead of talking to the party guests. last night, i wasn't up for drinking and could only pull myself together for small group interactions. i'm slightly jealous watching my boyfriend talk and laugh with everyone. i can't be like that. he wants me to be social and speak to everyone but for me it's not that easy. i feel different, shunned and outcasted. i feel like i don't belong. it's funny considering every one of his friends seem to adore me, but i don't fit. i feel like the puzzle piece you keep trying to jab in the wrong spots. and no matter what you do, it'll never fit because it belongs to another puzzle you lost a couple of years ago.
last night, i crashed into his arms hiding my face under sheets and sobbing and crying and trying to suck back the tears. i was embarassed and ashamed. i feel like this can't be me. i would certainly like my money back, because i'm broken and no matter what i do, i don't seem to be getting any better.
________________________________
i'm eating brie and crackers right now, but the brie tastes bad so i'm just sucking up the succulent insides and hoping i don't die from an overdose of cheese.
i don't think i'll ever stop rambling.
¶ 2:02 PM
|
i don't really belong on the internet anymore. oh no, i'm not giving up and i'm not going to stop writing. this was never meant as a place to impress anyone. this was meant for me and if others enjoy it, i'm certainly happy that they've found a place to entertain themselves for a few minutes. i was never meant to please.
_________________________________
last night, i was at a going away party for a friend. we have bonded, sang together and even had a drink from the same glass. i wouldn't say he was a best friend or even a close friend, but something a bit higher up then average person i see everyday on the street. i can't say that i ever knew him though.
he was my boyfriend's roommate and there were enough moments where we were all watching tv and talking about boobs than i'd like to remember. but he is going away to college -- UMASS-Amherst and i'm proud.
it was at this party that i realized i'm a mess at social occasions. i start feeling closed in and i end up sitting in the corner singing along to the music instead of talking to the party guests. last night, i wasn't up for drinking and could only pull myself together for small group interactions. i'm slightly jealous watching my boyfriend talk and laugh with everyone. i can't be like that. he wants me to be social and speak to everyone but for me it's not that easy. i feel different, shunned and outcasted. i feel like i don't belong. it's funny considering every one of his friends seem to adore me, but i don't fit. i feel like the puzzle piece you keep trying to jab in the wrong spots. and no matter what you do, it'll never fit because it belongs to another puzzle you lost a couple of years ago.
last night, i crashed into his arms hiding my face under sheets and sobbing and crying and trying to suck back the tears. i was embarassed and ashamed. i feel like this can't be me. i would certainly like my money back, because i'm broken and no matter what i do, i don't seem to be getting any better.
________________________________
i'm eating brie and crackers right now, but the brie tastes bad so i'm just sucking up the succulent insides and hoping i don't die from an overdose of cheese.
i don't think i'll ever stop rambling.
¶ 2:02 PM
|
