The Hipster Brigade
Monday, March 31, 2003
Battle for Sleep

my alarm clock has stopped working. this is simply not good. i have two alarm clocks and both have stopped doing the dingdingding electronic squeak that i love so early in the morning. why can't emerson just have some morning call service? i could really use it now. eh, it's not like me and sleep get along that well anyways. oh well. just put it in the top drawer with my other increasing problems list.

yesterday was way too long and i felt all lushy and got a bit drunk and they didn't even card me. sometimes i like feeling numb except that drinking often has an opposite affect on me. i just feel stupid and regretful. so NOT again and NOT any time soon. i also recommend not calling me on the phone when i'm this way because i just giggle and proclaim that i'm understanding and now i'm not so sure how much i remember. i mean i remember but it's a little hazy. i don't think i've ever been that drunk. eh. i guess i was drinking away missing two classes - one on accident and another on purpose. sigh. i'm not sure where my mind is lately. i need some duct tape and industrial strength staples. so i can secure that sucker on straight.

cigarettes will kill you. that might be what i want.

seriously, everything is okay.

D major: sometimes i wonder if i'm better off as words on a screen or a voice on the phone. i'm myself there but it's always easier when you are just one part of yourself. i can trust myself as an untangible being but touch i cannot understand. i become vulnerable in person. a little less off balance. a little more taken aback. i am scared to feel and to really show you more than just "sayings" and "utterences." will you ever know the real me if i calculate every move? sometimes i'm afraid it will go away. and i'm so in like with you that it scares me sometimes.

But I: with you i'm more relaxed. just myself. who else do i need to be? i remember the first time i saw you in line and what an ass i was. "ugh, i wouldn't have let him in line." who knew that when you jumped that turnstile you would leap one thing farther and deeper? a simple wave brought us together. BAM. and yeah, i "eye sexed" you into my life. it was so obvious. 4 times and i've fallen. 4 times and each time a bit closer. 4 times and that's it. when i see you again will we multitask? (nudge nudge) i really want to know.

aDdition: tonight i fell in love with your voice. each thing you said made me feel so much. i hope i was satisfying.
Sunday, March 30, 2003
So? Oh well, man...

right now, i'm listening to desaparecidos and i'm not sure how to pronounce the bands name but it makes me think of being in misery because that's where i am right now. i can't really explain why or how these feelings suddenly appear. they just do. i start to overanalyze everything again. too much hinting and not enough of the real answers. i just want a real answer.

do you like me?
type yes or no.

sigh. this isn't junior high. being an adult is really hard.

i had one of those mornings where i got up without my alarm clock and sat around and then sorta drowsily laid in bed and went in and out of consciousness. i had this dream:

...and i'm sitting desk with my little sister, sarah, in 100 beacon. i'm looking out of the front doors and suddenly a band of 20s style mobsters run by with Tommy guns and i scream for sarah to duck and i hide under the desk and the shots are streaming by and i hear the squeals and the broken glass. then...i feel my hip. the sun shines through the shards of glass like some miracle has just taken place. ha! God got me afterall in the form of Tommy gun toting angels. I tell sarah to call public safety and they are puzzled and disoriented and i finally convince them of the seriousness of my injury and they tell me they are sending someone right over, but just as i hang up the "Angels" are back and my time is up. BLAM!

what does it mean?
Life Time Achievements

i've started recently to think more and more of a plan for the future though nothing is concrete. i mean, i have some connections and i know that i could definitely freelance if i wanted to now that i have some sort of foot through the door type experience, although not really, and i could have been nicer to the editor that i interviewed. oh well.

idea #1: i have this obsession with chicago and angora rabbits. punk planet is there in chicago. mag! ...and i'm sure i could find an apartment that would be let me have a house trained rabbit and loads of LPs and books and CDs and mostly it must have lots of room to rock and roll because that's what my life is going to be about.

idea #2: i've come to accept the fact that i might have to live in texas. oh well. if i can get a job at the desoto library and learn to drive, i will find a place in deep ellum. that way i can hang out on stoops, inside thrift stores, and go to lots of shows all conveniently surrounding me. i'll give a big "fuck you" to all those stupid black-pants-wearing-sorority-girls from smu though. sigh. i can still free lance too, i suppose though i don't want to freelance as a career, just a side project.

idea #3: london. nuff said.

idea #4. austin, texas. i'm not really familiar enough with this city to know if i would like to live there though.

idea #5: some neat-o locale in japan. yeah, wouldn't that be crazy?! i wouldn't know what to do there. i'd have to think this one out a bit more. hmm...

at one point, there was a castle involved but my days living as a princess are numbered. all i can say is that i'm going to try and do what i enjoy in life. i want to avoid office jobs and things that make me too involved in my job. ideally, i want to be a rock star but that probably won't happen. so, at least working with music (record store) or writing about music (punk planet, copper press, magnet, spin...rolling stone?) or at least my own bookSHOP, that would be fun. sigh. so many choices. i just don't want anything that i bring home after work. (yes, i do realize that working in a record store would mean i would be surrounded by music all the time, but i am already, so what's the difference?) i want my home time to be just that. HOME TIME. i want to own a cat named henry and i'm pretty sure that my dog will be moving with me after college. he's going on four this year and my mom says I GET HIM. oh yay! so one eddie dog and a cat named henry. i want hamsters but than i probably can't have the dog or the cat. sigh. oh well. yeah, i'll have some fish. fish can be fun. and a trampoline.

i can't wait.

Saturday, March 29, 2003
Revolution or Just a Dance?

what is koiwai milk? any ideas? kawaii is cute and i keep think of cute koi milk. milk from cute koi fish. hmm. i sure hope not, it's in my japanese coffee drink.

i accomplished my goals today. sometimes days like these make me realize how fast days go and how fast life can go in front of you. BOOM and then it's summer and time for a job in a boring blah blah town where i don't want to be with no friends and 5 grocery stores for hang outs. everyone keeps promising to teach me how to drive and maybe i don't want to. it's the one thing that keeps me innocent. it's the one thing that keeps me from getting in the car, cranking the radio, and driving straight into the river. i don't think i would ever be at home if i knew how to drive. i would cruise all over downtown dallas. i would just hang out on stoops in deep ellum and become a vinyl geek. i see that as my existance. one full of music and turntables and books and shows and clothes that are too tight and smell like moth balls.

i find that one of the most "homey" smells. japanese people store all their clothes out of season in moth balls and when the season finally rolls back again, everything smells like moth balls. it's sorta like the smell of gasoline to some people. moth balls are my high. it reminds me of home and grandma's closet and being 7 and being innocent. there's really nothing holding me back anymore. i'm an adult and i don't want to be one. i'm glad i took a year off. more time to hide away from a "real" job and "real" life and taxes and dating and finding a husband and having kids though none of those things have to be part of my life because i think that just having a nice apartment and lots of cds and a cat would make me happy. i don't really need anything besides lots of room to dance to feel free.

it seems that lately i've become a wee bit obsessed with my old LJ. i've started joining communities. i've dropped out of some. i've commented on them. sigh. i'm busy with the ljs and currently in love with this boy who is in love with ryan adams and i'm sure we could listen to ryan together and be equally in awe. though being a music elitist has its downfalls. wait! it does not.

i found this great quote from an old entry: "i think me and conor oberst would probably be a good match because i mean if a person can see that much sadness in the world i think i could understand them pretty well. it's pretty ridiculous."

ha! i amuse myself to no end. have you ever realized that saying makes no sense? also, saying something as fuck. i don't get it. not to say i don't use the phrase often. i do.

today, i did laundry. and the dryer didn't do its job and now i have 20 wet t-shirts. hooray for me. i'm going to take a nap for a bit.
make fun of me?

i have the worst collection of cds on the planet. most of my good cds are mix mp3s. sigh.

i'm going cd shopping tomorrow because my collection made me depressed. sigh sigh.
Friday, March 28, 2003

it really did start innocently. a casual hello, how are you turned into T rides and overnights and raw soup and bagels. and when i think about you each time, i remember something different. one more funny thing that i forgot to mention. and when i look into your eyes and smile and laugh because you make me that nervous and dream about our first time. your first time. i remember that we've shared a bed but nothing more than our heads touched. somehow i think that when we kiss my lips will tingle like menthol cigarettes. that when i back away and breath out, smoke will fill the room. and our hands will touch and from that moment on they will cease not to be touching. we have to hold onto something or else it goes away. tight. our fingers like sand between your toes at the beach. each grain different from the next. sweet ooze and liquid sensation. stiff. i can tell you are turned on just by the way you shake your leg at me. i trace mental outlines of your back and lick that spot right below your ear. your hair reminding me of unwashed dogs with slick oil spill coats. your smell i inhale like the last time. the only way you are dirty is if i make you out to be. then you push me awake. and i push back. eyes meeting again and again but i always forget to really look inside. are you really that naive?

this is not a choice.
thinking will be the death of me. i think of you and then i think of him and then i just think. i do like you. i like you. just typing those words mean something. the more i think about him, the more i think about you. i know that there is something there. we are more than just friends. know that, k? this is not desperate plead to understand, this is plea to not stop. do not stop. it pisses me off that you like me. actually, it pisses me off that you tell me and let me know and let me know the right things and that makes me want to be with you forever. but for right now, i just don't know. and the him is here and that's convenient. but please. understand. i do like you.

why are all posts sounding the same? i don't need to apologize anymore. it's just words. nothing more. actions speak louder than words. this is just the beginning, not the end. hold my hand?
in other news

should be studying but i.don'

Brand New Colony
The Postal Service

I'll be the grape's fermented bottle
that's served when the tables set
and my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman

I'll be the fire escape that's
bolted to the ancient brick
where you will sit
and contemplate your day

I'll be the one who rings
to save you if you start drowning
in an open tap
when your judgement's on the brink

I'll be the phonograph
that plays your favourite albums back
as your lying there
drifting off to sleep (drifting off to sleep)

I'll be the platform shoes
and do what hereditary's done to you
you wont have to strain
to look into my eyes

I'll be your winter coat
buttons up straight to the throat
with the collar up
so you wont catch cold

I want to take you far
from the cynics in this town
and kiss you on the mouth
we'll cut our bodies free
from the tethers of this scene
start a brand new colony
where everything will change
will give ourselves new names
identities erased

The sun will heat the ground
under our bare feet
in this brand new colony
this brand new colony

Everything will change
Everything will change
Everything will change

if i could give you one thing, it would be me.
lifted from little miss nikki

10 current favorite songs

Ryan Adams - Monday Night
A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
Hellogoodbye - Bonnie Taylor Shakedown
Hellogoodbye - Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn
The World Inferno Friendship Society - Tattoos Fade
The Young Idea - 8 Hour Assasination Plot
Alright Alright - Sahara Hotnights
Silverchair - Spawn Again
El Sol - Zwan
The Postal Service - Sleeping In

9 all-time favorite movies

Edward Scissorhands
Mrs. Doubtfire
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
High Fidelity
Empire Records
Ghost World

8 all-time favorite TV shows

The X-Files
The Simpsons
Only Fools and Horses
Are You Being Served?
The Wonder Years
Perfect Strangers

7 current favorite CDs

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - Smashing Pumpkins
Mary Star of the Sea - Zwan
Spiritual Machines - Our Lady Peace
Demolition - Ryan Adams
Veni Vidi Vicious - The Hives
Singles - The Smiths
De Stilj - White Stripes

6 favorite places to visit

Fossil Rim
nikki's room
Boston College
Deep Ellum
"The Creek"
Harvard Square

5 boys that rock your socks


5 girls that rock your socks


4 things you absolutely can't live without

my (wannabe) messenger bag
blistex lip medex

3 favorite beverages

raspberry iced tea
2% milk
orange juice

2 all-time favorite books

High Fidelity - Nick Hornby
Zine Scene - Fracesca Lia Block

1 item you never leave home without

my memories
One Question

...and there he was in front of me staring me right in the eyes and there was no way that i was going to say no. somehow the chase has been carried out too long and it leaves me feeling uneasy. is it no? is it yes? what happens next? it seems more complex now than it did in high school. why is it with age comes complication? why can't i just ask right out: "dammit boy, do you like me? i think you are super keen. let's be together, k? just for right now. the moments i spend with you make me feel like maybe there is more than hope in this sick world. that love can exist with another. that lies are something of the past and that the future could include a me and a you. just for right now. what do you think, babe?" he's old fashioned. delightfully old fashioned. every move is calculated. every sentence typed and re-typed. every word thought out again and again. i can't just say something. words don't even make sense. just stares and smiles. and hugs from the side. i'm making progress following the sticky trail of slugs. their advice left for me on leaves that i pocket in case i forget to think. you have that affect on me. too shy to ever just come right out.

i think navy blue could be my color too.

i love my ability to dance the same way to all the songs i listen to. and that i like to listen to "monday night" by ryan adams on repeat because it's so sappy it gives me some sort of hope. in fact, it makes me not even care anymore. i really don't care. i really don't. i really. i. again, i'm always the one standing alone with an empty wine glass. "fill her up."
Thursday, March 27, 2003

first, i want to apologize to anyone i talked to tonight from about 10:30pm to about 12:30am. i felt like shit and the only reason i came online at all was to talk to dan and see if nikki wanted to do something and i totally forgot to ask her. (i'm all up for that drinking plan!!) i just didn't feel like moving or understanding. i just wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself with about 4 tons of dirt, so that way i would never have to face another thing. suffocation.

...and the more i talked to people, the more my mind flew out of control. i didn't even want to hear anyone's advice because i knew what was happening to myself. i was falling back into how i had been feeling before. sure, things are hard. things will always be hard. i don't want to whine about them. just sometimes, i just don't know where to go or who to turn to. i feel so lost and the more i dive into my thoughts the more submerged i get until i finally just stop trying and end up drowing in my own misery. things have been really tough for me lately. good things always make me hesitant and fearful.

i made my office nook thinking i would get more done and in actuality it's just given me more room to dance and less room to think. i just keep piling on the garbage. i'm surrounded by empty bottles and bowls. i keep staring but not doing. doing is always the hard part. thinking something is easy but doing something is hard. the mometum i need to do things could move houses. i'm just that lazy. and i just don't care. and if people weren't here cheering me on i would just quit school and work at the pirate museum in salem. they need more women working there anyways. Arrr!

i'm not really sure why i decided to post this rambling. i guess it makes me feel better. it makes me feel good that even though i get all moody that you are by myside. i have huge trust issues and i'm sorry if i belittled the situation. i just didn't want to talk about it, i suppose. i like to hide from my fears. i figure if i can blame the situation on me, it makes it easier to deal with. but nikki's RA is right, you can't make everyone like you.

i don't know what all this means. i'm just glad that you are all around. and that this was the cheesiest post ever in the history of posts and yeah, i'll stop. sigh.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
CHRIS CORNELL - can't change me

sigh. i apologize!

half my adv. magazine writing class is coming down with stress acne. i hate that class. that professor takes things way too seriously. ATTN: this is not the real world, this is college, and especially, this is EMERSON COLLEGE. wake up!

i'm so discouraged as a writer right now. i don't know what's right or what's wrong. i'm falling apart all over the place. doesn't anyone recognize me for what i am? a fiction writer. it's been a long time. i've had to occupy myself with song lyrics and haikus lately. my hobo band idea is starting to look way UP UP UP!!! it's spring and i'm tired. i saw blonde indie rock hair boy today. we crossed paths. i also spotted blue hair mini mohawk kid from 132. he did an eyebrows, "hey, i see you there" type thing to me today. things are looking up. they aren't. things are down. morale is down. i am down.

i've been thinking long and hard and i don't like the conclusions i've come too. i think a quick jab to the face could end my misery. nothing like showing off a black eye. i bet sabrina would do me the favor. sometimes, yes, i know it's horrible...that i lived in the LB. my one girl friend lives there, well two both conveniently on the same floor. sigh.

KILL ME! die die was not a good day.
the only thing keeping me awake today is this playlist:

(please crank to full blast and rock out)

Sahara Hotnights - Alright Alright
The Shins - Caring is Creepy
Queens of the Stone Age - Feel Good Hit of the Summer
Idlewild - Modern Way of Letting Go
Hot Hot Heat - Le Le Low
Lagwagon - Kids in America
Pennywise - Fuck Authority
Soundgarden - Can't Change Me
And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead - Relative Ways
Division of Laura Lee - We've Been Planning This For Years
Jawbreaker - I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both
Loudermilk - Estrogen Oxygen Aches in the Teeth Again
Muse - New Born
Neutral Milk Hotel - Love You on a Tuesday
Silverchair - Spawn Again
The Faint - Glass Danse
The Julianna Theory - If I Told You This Was Killing Me Would You Stop
The Mercury Program - Traveling at Night
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Rich
Self - Trunk Fulla Amps
a bunch of songs by The Libertines (Britain's answer to The Strokes)

i'm going to take a nap. music is my life.

my new plan: i'm quitting school and starting a hobo rock band (a garbage band, if you will) we'll be sXe as not to have problems with where the money would be going to -- crack or alcohol -- and instead use it on buying a single bedroom apartment in the Bronx, where we'll eat roaches for protein. I'll be the one with grass stains. NO MEAT POWER!

man, i think i'm going insane. not to mention i'm thinking way too much about stuff and making myself all crazy and not interested in anything anymore.
should be writing paper not updating blog.

...and this is why i love this man! i'll sink your battleship anyday. ;-)

"Skulls eat people. There are dead people everywhere and one in my room who is trying to kill me. He eats food out of the hole in his intenstines."


ROAR fuckers! ok, i got that out of my system. sometimes the only way you can stay up all night without drugs is by listening to Sahara Hotnights and it makes me want to be all punk rawk and beat up people with bats and be part of that punkxrockxsquad and take on The Man and beat his lily white ass down. ok, i think i'm done now.

isn't it funny how you become friends with some people? some people just drop in uninvited and it's so amazing. there's this beautiful, awesome girl that i met in one of my classes last semester. i care for her a whole lot. she's helped me so much and helped me grow as a person. seriously, i don't know where i would be without her guidance and wisdom. some days it's her voice that makes me realize, "hell yeah, i kick ass." i want her to understand that it doesn't matter what other people do and that it's her she needs to worry about. only her. and that some people aren't worth wasting your time on. i know this. i've wasted my time over and over again and people will drop into your life and make you realize that it's you that's important and before you can recognize that things might be a little shaky. i've never felt this confident. this complete. this something. i don't even feel myself. the anger is gone. the grief has faded. there is something sunny underneath my ghost shell. finally, i'm full and i can drop the empty facade as fun as that was being sad and lonely all the time, i'll kick it to the curb just to feel this alive.

i can't stop dancing and i don't care who is watching. i can't stop singing and i don't care who's listening. i'll spit in your eye before you persuade me that "it's fault" and not just something wrong with you. i'm sorry that some people had to go, but that's just how it goes sometimes. eventually, you need to realize that you do things to make you happy and not to make other people happy.

i sound so preachy. sorry. i just want HER to know that i'm finally ok and that i'm glad she's worrying for me, because i worry about her as much. xoxo

i wish i had the sparkles in my eyes that you posess so naturally. you are a STAR and don't let anyone tell you, you aren't.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003

go to The Topics Blog. Dan says it's cheating and that he can't be creative ripping off someone else's idea but i say fuck that.

Are there people you know that you wish you know better? What do you wonder about them? What things do you think about them that you never tell them, never will? Do you wish you could?

there are people here at emerson i'm completely fascinated by. i see them almost daily. like short indie rock hair blonde boy, i've developed a crush on him because i see him so much. i want to know what music he likes. what shows he is going to. everything but i'll probably never talk to him. there is extremely utterly emo boy that has a girlfriend that i am jealous of and they make me "aww" and "ooh" everytime i see them together. there's that guy carlos in that band, Parker House and Theory, that for some reason just irritates me whenever i see him. i'm not sure why. he acts too suave and that bothers me. a lot. there's Ghetto Tavis who decided to grow a goatee and he looks really bad and someone should tell him to hack that sucker off. he smokes outside of 120 sometimes. there's mike that i know justin knows that i thought was super funny at Rant Night and have developed a "comedy" crush on. i'm not sure what that means but i was tempted to sit and eat lunch with him today when i saw him sitting alone watching CNN. i'm a lot cuter that the US Troops, well, at least some of them. what's up with Bradley on the 10th floor? does he like me? does he like anyone? we had an email tag thing going on a while back. there was this kid named Eric that now lives on 12th floor that i always attracted to but i found out that he's like the 12th floor slut, so i'm not interested anymore.

why did this only turn into talking about cute guys i'm interested in? there are girls too. like the ones with the chelsey's and that awfully skinny one with the white belt. are they mean? i'm imitated by them. do they dance at shows? does anyone dance at shows anymore? or is just me?

today was lazy and it really shouldn't have been. i went shopping and i bought a $5 flower from one of those women and i knew i was scammed but i can't say no once i'm suckered in to those things. plus, she has some facial hair and made me uncomfortable and sad for her. she was from phoenix, az and that made me think about someone i know there and how i miss him a lot. i wonder if the SK even still reads this anymore. sometimes it's harder to get over people than expected. he was one of the most important people of my life and than all of sudden he's not even a tiny part. he's just air and a name and something that was but never was at the same time.

are skinny ties still in?

peanut butter is not a good idea when you have a sore throat. :-(

i'm trying to use reason nowadays instead of being impulsive like i normally am. i don't want to commit to things i'm not sure of. all i know is that right now i can't tell who i'm interested in or not. i'm just happy being all by myself and it's going to take someone from a million states away to order me post-its and have them delivered to boston to win me over. oh wait, they got here today. damn. i find myself slipping but it's much too crazy to even think about and i find myself pulling myself out again and again. i will not lose myself again. whenever i show interest in someone they end up not liking me or leaving or i end up really disappointed. i'm afraid to try because when i do all things point to failure. i'm getting that big fat red light now and i'm stopping. stopping. s t o p p i n g!

first, go read The Perks of Being a Wallflower if you haven't already.

second, go here.

lately, it seems, i've been making either mix cds or mix tapes for someone (myself included). sometimes it's nice to have all the songs you are obsessed with in one little place. it's also nice to force people to listen to music of your choosing, hopefully, exposing them to your elitist taste or you could just have made a tape with all these great 90s alternative favorites on them and have to make a whole other tape for them. sigh. that's how it goes sometimes.

however, i always seemed to be on the short end of the stick or whatever, i'm not one for "sayings." i never get a tape back in return. seriously, why do i go through with it when i know i'm getting robbed? there's a boy in austin who i was tad flirty with and i made him a mix tape that was probably pretty crappy but still, i sent him a blank tape, and he never delivered. sigh. FUCK YOU JARED is what i have to say to him. i was going to be really mean and include his screenname but that would be a little malicious and probably not worth doing. oh yeah, he'll hate me even more. oh well. no one said austin was that cool of a city, i mean it is still located in texas. i would say it's the place i can tolerate the most.

i do have nice people sending me mp3s and i definitely do not have enough really great unknown cool bands to return the favor, so thanks j u s t i n and c h r i s.

what's better: a mix tape or a mix cd?
One of Those Nights

this is me at 5 am in the morning. it's amazing the headings that site has. it makes me happy i'm not the only one.

tonight or rather, this morning i couldn't fall asleep because i was a) too busy staring at my ryan adams picture on my computer speaker and b) i took a fucking nap. i decided to listen to a bunch of mp3s i have on my computer i forgot about. i need to defragment my drives again but of course, i never have 16% of that space it needs. i'm listening to arab strap. it makes me feel like dancing but sleeping at the same time. i just want to lie down for hours and stare at the ceiling. i miss looking outdoors at something other than the grey walls of fisher college. sometimes i hate my life. right now, i'm pretty content. i couldn't be happier if i tried, because if i did try...i think i would seriously hurt myself. i'm really hungry for mashed potatoes.

my mom was joking when she got me hooked on this british comedy. The Young Ones is hilarious. i'm rick in the show. it's so sad that i'm the whiny ugly zitty one but that's true...i'm whiny and angry just like he is in the show. once he got upset because people were making noise while he was watching television and he did something that was so diana it was spooky. i suggest downloading an episode or two if you can. another, britcom that i found amazing is Only Fools and Horses, which has a snappy theme song that'll get stuck in your head. I'm sure there are plenty of british comedies i could rave about here but i won't because, ok...i will. watch: Chef, Coupling, this show about this guy that's a superhero and is married to a normal person and i can't remember the name, Fry and Laurie, RED DWARF <3, not a comedy but still awesome, Robot Wars. I can't think of anymore.

i need a stuffed animal. my bed is too lonely. something medium and squeezable. i'd prefer a giraffe or an eeyore. thanks.

i was supposed to go to sleep at 10 pm not wake up at 10 pm. oh drats!
i have too much time on my hands. click here.
Monday, March 24, 2003
Spreading the Love

so yeah, i got this touching email from eric hutchinson today because we're really tight and all. i used to look at him from across the dining hall eating with his friends. we had some good times. yeah. woo! emerson kids. so yeah, we're tight. ok, i'm just on his mailing list but check him out. that rock 'n' roll song is soo good. like ian and i like to frequently say, "it'll rock your socks off."

also, check out beulah if you haven't already. they're site is super kitschy and that's why it's great.

p.s. i don't have that new eric hutchinson cd that just came out march 11! so yeah, if you want to buy it for me that would be super dandy. HAHA!
Bookmark Mania

it takes me years to look at all my bookmarks. i just bookmark everything i come across that i don't have time to look for. i started folders like: ryan adams, MUSIC, journals, and important. i like to go look through occasionally because there is tons of good links. i'm going to post a link a day because i found out that's what a blog is really for anyways. so today's is this one. tell me what you think. ha! yeah, i know...i'm obsessed.

also...this is my favorite hipster! i wanted to join but haven't yet. i don't know if they are even adding profiles as they never update the site. i don't go there nearly enough.

hipsters are passe but as long as i'm out i'm in. does that make sense?

if you see me i look really bad and that will make me feel better about myself. thanks.

in other news: i have a scratchy throat and i'm very tired. i'm going to sleep at 10 pm tonight! SHARP. nothing like being punctual. i wish i stuck by my word.

i have two picture frames in my room. both contain photos of billy corgan. i'm very amused by this.

what color socks are you wearing right now?
Sunday, March 23, 2003
For Your Benefit

all i want to do today is eat salad, sit on my bed, read non-school related books, and listen to the The Young Idea on repeat. and i think i want to do this for the rest of my life.

you can never take back the unsaid, wouldn't you like to at least try. i am something lost and forgotten. i am tired, yet restless. wait, i'm sure that explains why i'm so tired.

so...i've been thinking lots of things over lately. i really don't like what's going on recently. i just want things to be nothing and not have deeper meanings. when things actually begin to go as planned i get uncomfortable and want to crawl back into my cave. it's really nice inside...floor to floor moss covering and a mega sound system for rocking out. when people start actually liking me, i hate it. i refuse to trust my own judgement in these situations. good things just don't happen to me. sighsigh.

so, i decided to make a list. yeah, i've made so many lately that they all look the same but here it is:

perfection includes (the rambling will begin now):

longish hair, tall (at least 5'8"), blue eyes, tattoos, going to shows and looking scene while not actually being scene at all, shoegazing, giving it to The Man by buying everything we can on vinyl, making mix tapes (only), star gazing, cemetaries during the day, libraries at night or at least bookstores, being punk rock, obnoxious amounts of books in our library, an apartment in NY like in the movie Big - oh yes, we will have a trampoline, concert flyers covering one wall of the apartment, being witty and rude and having loads of inside jokes - sorta like zach galifianakis or conan o'brien, walking around antiquing for kitschy 70s dishes and thrifting, dying my hair black and wearing long flow-ey white dresses


this list was sorta what i was looking for in someone else...but it's just turned into an ultimate situation everything list. i'm re-reading High Fidelity. I'm sure this is why this has been brought on.

writing letters to all our friends like REAL letters, rocking out, listening to insane amounts of music, starting my own record label, writing that book, tons of haiku, road trip around the usa, going to canada, taking lots of pictures, meeting ryan adams, living off the land, raising a bunny farm in chicago, making my own clothes, perhaps learning how to sew first, knitting, owning only argyle sweaters, watch only PBS, catch up on all those classic movies and books, owning chucks in every color, maryjane shoes rock my world, knee high socks and short skirts, perhaps including more color in my wardrobe, perhaps not, listening to The World Inferno Friendship Society (the best LIVE band ever) till the day I die, making my own Sahara Hotnights and having groupies give me free things, owning a cd player with at least places for 5 different cds, taking lots of pictures of mailboxes and making my coffee table book, get a lip ring on the side, braces (!), stop caring what people think, collages together, lots of magazines, parties with lots of scene kids and smart witty people, stop being so damned melancholy all the time that's no way to live a life...don't even try anymore, just be, just do...exist

i'm sure there is a lot i forgot here. i just love rambling. enjoy. HA! blame it on good indie music!!
Saturday, March 22, 2003

i'm probably dumb for posting this but that's never stopped me before. i'm a pretty irriational person. sudden impulse.

sooo, there's this boy i like. a lot. and tonight, though i sorta had thoughts about it, i had the chance to make out with someone. i didn't. i couldn't stop thinking about this boy that lives far away from me that i like. a lot. and yeah, it scares me. a lot. i waited all night to get back to my dorm room just so i could talk to him online. he had told me previously he was going to drink. i could tell from his IMs that he was not acting the same. then he called...and he was gone. and it just made me sad. so sad. i don't know why i'm even upset. this is silly and petty. i'm never liking anyone again.

poutpout. i feel so stupid letting my emotions get a hold of me. tip: don't listen to irrational impulse. how could a good thing like this happen to me? lies.

staining my cheecks with natural salt water. droplets form around my mouth.

i'm just upset now. i'm sure i'll regret this tomorrow when all the damage is out in the open. it's not like anyone reads this thing.

Friday, March 21, 2003
i'm a hipster and you're the fool

This is a great time to try a more experimental approach to your love life. The current planetary energy indicates that if you have been working with the traditional way of dating, and have discovered this to be sadly lacking, you will need to come up with something completely new and untested. The more original, radical, and enthusiastic you are about your plan, the better chance it has of succeeding.

boy, change my approach to dating? more radical? i don't know how it could get anymore radical than how it is now unless i add llamas and penguins to the mix. i might have to do that, perhaps i could have a dog ask the boy out for me. a big german shepard and the note will be in that barrel things they always have around their necks for saving people in the alps. i wonder if they only have those in cartoons. something to ponder, yes.

there's a sign in our elevator that says the license for the elevator is in the manager's office or something like that. i wonder if i can go and ask to see that file. oooh, maybe i can call on that walkie talkie they have in 132. i bet that's exactly what it's for. special elevator requests for 100. i bet i bet i bet.

i'm addicted to this song: 3 libras by a perfect circle. thanks a lot justin.

i am drinking the world's hugest ice coffee and it cost under $2 from dunkin' donuts. nice! i didn't think a large was sooo huge. at least i'm all alert for The World Since 1914 and fletcher johnson. stupid valentine. got me nowhere. sometimes i wonder why i am even nice or even try. BAM! then i remember because i can't help it.

have you ever noticed that there seem to be a lot of german tourists in boston? i hear them all the time. and whenever i hear japanese tourists or anyone japanese speaking, i want to but in so badly...sumimasen...ringo ga sukidesuka? ...but since all i can remember is "do you like apples?" i bet they would just laugh in my face. i can also say, "it's cold isn't it?" and "it's hot isn't it?" or "it's good weather out, isn't it?" haha. i can remember one day of the week. thursday. mokuyoubi. i think i spelled it wrong. oh well. i forgot my japanese books at home. DAMMIT! that makes me sad.

HEY...if you know japanese and live in boston, please teach me. tutor me please. also, if you can do it for not a lot of money or none at all...that would be bloody fantastic. thanks thanks thanks. i just need someone to go over katakana and hiragani with. i need to remember all those simple phrases again. also, teach me to say, "where is the bathroom?" and "i love you." because i never learned those. haha. sigh.

The Hipster Handbook...says that Ryan Adams is a perfectly suitable hipster crush. yesss...i'm in.

i shouldn't care so much about being cool, but really how can i help it. i got a compliment on my man's jacket again today. i rule. no wait, geerah rules since she got it for me. i love that jacket more than...uh, chex mix, that's a lot of love, yo.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
things always sound more elegant in my head than on my screen.
No War No Way

"You know what this rally needs? Snoop Dogg." oh yeah, represent. i'm sorry but the rally did not need snoop dogg. it needed people to take it more seriously. i hated when i was listening to the speakers how people were still chattering. we are here united as one and why are you people talking about how much your pumas cost? don't you understand why we are here?!

at first, it had to be one of the most uncomfortable things for me to do. mostly because i didn't have a rally buddy. i felt awkward standing alone as a party of one with my peace sign arm band, but once we started marching things changed. i couldn't believe how happy and how motivated i felt. i actually felt like i was doing something and even though this might not stop the war and we might not get our troops back, i felt like i belonged to a group of people that were just as mad and frustrated as i was. war is not a beautiful thing. there is nothing good about a war. war is murder. it figures, that Bush is from texas and texas everyone is fried. that's all he knows. i'm sorry but no excuses. not anymore. Bush is not my president.

NO BLOOD FOR OIL. Bush is the terriost. fighting for democracy is like fucking for virginity. bush + dick = fucked. freedom fries?

those were just some of the signs i saw. i wish others could see them the same way i did.

i really don't think pot belongs at a rally. being a hippie is an attitude not an addict.

i wish i could march around everyday. my feet will be sore for a long time.

bikes not bombs. what does it mean? no clue. but i saw it on someone's bike and liked it. a lot.

look for me on tv. i'm sure i'll be on photos on the web too. PEACE!
Bran Muffin Bingo

i think the only reason my horoscopes seem true is because i believe horoscopes. this really could make sense for anyone, i suppose.

The planetary alignment gives you extra bite in the love department. If you have been wondering whether to push someone into making more of a commitment, but don't like to appear too forward because you fear rejection, then take heart. Today you have so much courage you couldn't care what their answer is. Someone else will always say yes to your charms, if this one doesn't work out.

new subject: libraries

when most people think of libraries they think of books, old ladies, and librarians with buns and glasses...i'm here to dismiss the myths of library folklore. first off, yeah...well old ladies and old people in general gravitate towards libraries and the LARGE PRINT section. our library has the regulars, mostly old people or families. i loved seeing familiar faces. i hated making library cards. for some reason people don't understand rules or 19 year olds that know more than they do. hey, i WORK here and you don't...don't tell me what i'm not suppossed to do. i used to get asked by old men all the time, "are you 15?" or "do you work here?" the first question...hmm, pedophiles and the second question, No, of course not...i'm just behind the desk because i felt like it and i have a better view of the books. HA! oooh, another thing that was funny was when it would get bored we would look up patrons names in the computer to see if we had any "famous" people...yes, ladies and gentlemen...Julia Roberts does have a library card with the DPL...and i have checked out books for her too. also, we used to have the videos seperated. we had an adult section meaning anything over PG (no X folks, sorry) and a children's section. we always snickered when we directed people to the adult section. sometimes when we would call people over the intercom people would comment on our sexy voices...not mine...but beverly and marion had it going on. the patrons said they had "sex phone" voices. HAHA!

libraries are in no way boring. i've been working for this library for about 4 years and all these strange thing have happened: a fire, a FBI investigation, an anthrax scare, wild mushrooms on the shelves hidden behind books, an assortment of pills on a shelf, and ...that's all i can remember right now. i work there again this summer and i can't wait. there's nothing like shelving books for 5 hours a day and then having a 3 day weekend. oh the joys of working part-time. wheeee...not to mention i can get whatever days i want off and go to CONCERTS during the day because yeah, the warped tour can't be missed. ha!

also...should i listen to the kinks? i have yet to get into them. what the fuck is mod? i just know figured out emo but mod is still beyond me.

who needs rationality when you've got love? oh my god...gag me. yeah, like with a spoon.

indie kids. indie kids with guns. think about it. i don't even think hardcore kids would know what a trigger was. being tough if fake. i'll show you tough. hai ya. so yeah, bruce lee has nothing on me. no sir. when i was little i used to have conversations with my next door neighbor about how i hated guns and wished they were never invented. my other neighbors were hunters and would hang the deer they had "murdered" on the tree outside. i can't get that out of my head ever. i can remember standing on the side of my yard and just staring. staring. and feeling so helpless as what i could do to help the situation. i only thought hunting should be allowed if it's your main food source and you use all the meat and the skin for something. why kill something for a lousy head ornament to hang in the office? yeah, let's show everyone how i killed a deer that has no weapons with a gun twenty feet away. i'll never understand.

no meat. no fur. no war. wheee...protest!

i'm not one of those crazy people though. i believe what i believe and you can do whatever you want but i don't need to like it. i can leave the room and go make fun of you on the phone with dan. if i feel i need to vent. i'm not someone that will throw red paint on a stranger or go up to someone and call them a dick becuase they are wearing fur. what's the point? if i can help one person see or at least understand what is going on, then i know i have done something. i'm really tired of feeling helpless in these situations. i know i am only one human being and i will do what i need to do and what i can do but i know i can't do everything. am not tired. i can no sleepy. i wish you were here to snuggle right up next to me. ok, this only sounds cute when you are singing it with this la la la tune i just made up in my head. if i knew music theory or music or yeah...i would write it up for you in here for all to read. diana's cute stupid crush song. crushes suck because they make me all melty inside but warm in the middle. i think this is more than a crush but how can you tell?

also, how does one go from animal protest to crushes. well leave it up to me to change subjects. subjects are for losers. go get your five book notebook and take that, LOSER. ok, this is just ridiculous. GOODNIGHT, sweetheart. damn, that's a great british comedy.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Wake Up Call

do you ever get to where you only want to listen to one song or one album over and over and repeat? maybe it's just one band. or you only want to talk to one person and in The World Since 1914 you realize you are doing the sexual frustration shakeshakeshake of your leg and thinking about that person and you just missed a huge important part about how the Holocaust started and now you are fucked for the midterm and you think that for about ten more seconds than do it all over again.

i'm really bad at listening to new music lately. all i want to do is listen to ryan adams be country and emo at the same time and how he wins the heart of me every single word and than i think how stupid that i could be addicted to something so out of character. i love obsessions.

i'm having one of those moments when nothing and everything is making sense and i don't want to think about it too much becuase i'm afraid if i do i'll think it away and i don't want that to happen. i want things to work and make sense and not leave me and make me all sad again. i don't feel that comfort in sadness anymore that i used to.

parmesian (sp) is some damn good cheese but all my papers have grease stains and they don't like it and i certainly don't as well, but that cheese i will do anything. i've eaten nothing but huge amounts of salad for the last 3 days and i like it a lot. i can survive on one meal a day. i think it scares me because i don't eat like i should and i don't sleep as i should and i don't think like i should but in the end it doesn't really matter and as long as i'm not on my deathbed i do a lot of stuff that's not too good for the ole body. ole is a silly word and it should be obsolete. your store does not look any older with that 'ole up there you know. it just doesn't. take it down and get a real sign.

i think i like sad music better than any other kind. it sucks me up in the middle and carries me away into some sort of comfort. the land of denial my pretties. it cradles me with it's slow strumming guitars and the lyrics fade in and out as all i can hear is one single voice carrying me off and it's too late. I.AM.THERE. trapped amongst dead and dying foliage on the front porch of every grandmother in america and i'm sitting in that big rocking swing crying and i can't stop and i don't want to. how can someone so happy cry so much? i think the tears make me realize i'm still alive inside and not just one big puff of hot air.
some days you are dead
i really need some sort of joy
everyday is the same
Tag Team Therapy

boom! i walk in..."so yeah, the other day i was talking to this guy but i was so nervous i just passed out and he just walked away and i realized that i was lying on the floor of the Taco Bell all along staring up at that chijuajua dog advertisement."

run out. tag friend.

boom! ..."there's this boy and we're in lust and i can't help but wonder how things will turn out if he were ever online to speak with me. so instead of being normal and waiting for him to be online. i stalk him using my spy kit. so far, i have pretended i am a reincarnation of tyler durden from fight club and have stalked one of his good online friends. i know he likes me but i need this to help me feel secure in the relationship. i am my own image of the perfect man. i am fucked."

run out. tag friend.

POW in the kiser! "take that bitch. is what i said to that guy's girlfriend when i was in the cafeterian but then i woke up and realized that neither the taco bell scenario or the dining hall incident happened. what does it mean? i'm in love with about 5 boys right now. no one. i like to lie. sorry, i am trying to be honest. and its' not love but this huge infatuation. and no, i don't like to lie, not often. no i'm lying again sorry. so yes, this boy lives far away but i like his picture a lot and his voice is super fine. but then there's this other boy who goes to school here and it's intriguing and than there's another boy who said he'd make out with me and i don't but it's nice and than there is another boy who said he'd ask me out if i wasn't already taken. what does this mean? so yeah...i really like this one boy but you know, karma." a light.
let's try this AGAIN

i don't know what i think about lies. i'm bad at them. but sometimes being caught up in the intrigue of a really good fib is such a rush. the impersonation of someone is the ultimate lie. it's funny because you hear about those online creeps that pretend to be 14 year old boys to reel in the youngin's and works and than you find out it's grandpa after some preteen pussy. how scary is that? ...but personally there are definately more stupid people out there than creeps. not everyone but most anyone who IMs me off of FTJ is a worse case scenario. i'm going to delete the account but for some reason i like being there. i like having that control. see what kind of attention i get. mostly math geeks from northeastern who haven't listened to death cab for cutie and think weezer is indie. please. don't even try folks. sophistication is key. i'm turned on by intelligence and wit. those two things and bam...i am yours. also...playing slip 'n' slide down the dorm's hallway is a nice turn on as well but we won't go into that. i can turn anything into something about boys. how how how???

prose. why does that sound so much cooler than poetry? i have chex mix crumbs on my arm. why? i uncovered my wound today...tis bad stuff. i'm working on scar number three. i'm good like that. blah.

lies. why do we call little innocent lies white ones? why do we call secrets dark? the ones that no one wants to know.

i want to be your pillow named frank. sigh.

this was even worse than the first one.

so the comment train worked sorta. but it's in a weird place. oh well. fuck it!! (see, works for me.)

i don't want to say too much as things are looking, not like the ani difranco album...and i'm pretty excited. can people still go steady nowadays? i wish we still lived in the 1950s with the poodle skirts and the innocence. where did all the innocence go? it's funny i say this because women were so supressed back then. i'm not a cooking woman. sigh. my husband will do that. while i write away in the loft in a wife beather and holey jeans. i'm not sure where this is going. let's stop before it gets too weird.

so today...not only did i feel scarfy...i felt happy, lusty, suprised, enthralled, feisty, turned on, excited, etc. etc. woo! NewDiana is in the house. watch out or i'll...GRR!

this entry is going nowhere.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Woo Woo

all aboard the comment train. comment away my pretty (numbskulls) as the template reads.

enjoy! :-D

Silly and Sensitive

i think it's fun to answer questions from other people's blogs and post them in my own because i like to procrastinate and not write my super dooper important paper.

my favorite animals are cats, but if i were to be reincarnated i would want to be a duck. my turn ons: thin wrists, nice hands, blue eyes, indie rock hair, scarves (you know like the winter stripey ones), painted nails, touching me when we talk, sarcasm and wit, intelligent dialogues, bookish fellows. turn offs: jocks, close-mindedness, putting down things i like just because you don't like it. my family is like this: grandma, dad, sister, 14; two black cats and a dog. i used to have a guinea pig i loved to death. james pumpkins todd reagan. yes, he had multiples names due to living in two different households. i loved him to death. the cats are named: tuffy, becuase she is hefty and barbara and we just got her that way. i do not like proper grammer or breaking apart sentences and i like fragments. like this one. my dad is working in germany right now for Deutsch Telecomm. i totally butchered that as usual. My mom used to teach grades 3rd - 8th and i wish she still did because she is the best teacher in the world. my mom and i have been called twins before. i was frightened. we do a lot of things together and i don't know what i woudl do without my mom around. aww. my grandma is 100% japanese and she's feisty and fun but we live in her house and she doesn't like it. i think i understand why or at least begun to understand.

i dream of all sorts of things. like at night? in the day? i never stop dreaming. i need to glue my shoes to the ground. my head is in the clouds. last night i dreamt of derek. i miss his wrists and his intellectual banter. sigh sigh. i imagine living in a nice apartment like the one in Igby Goes Down with that whole minimalism style working with me but we all know i am a collecter. i can't get enough of junk. i pick stuff off the street and bring it back to my room to display. a broken cell phone. a leather glove with fake fur trim. it's so warm and i wish i had it's partner. a lovely rock, good for breaking windows. a name tag from a hotel, probably one of the maids. Jessica Pena...i have your name tag! I want to have an agora rabbit or a guinea pig or hamster. yeah, i like rodents. hehe. of course, chicago is the perfect city for this action. i'll probably hate it once i get there.

i don't have an idol. i used to look up to a lot of musicians but i don't really idolize anyone. i am obsessed but i wouldn't use the word idol. hmm...i have to say that i wouldn't have picked up that pencil if it hadn't been for roald dahl. he is my writing muse though my tastes have grown.

i'm fragile. watch out! bleh. i hate fighting with people. ok, not fighting but having semi-arguments and being confused and thinking people are better friends than they are really are. i am so much more than a good time. come on, friends are not just playmates.

i feel scarfy. i blame it on this guy! woo, justin rocks my socks off...oooh, should i say scarf? he is mp3 mad and i don't mind.

...and I swear I don't have a gun...

i decided today i'm buying a holster and instead of gun i will keep my emerson ID inside. so when i reach down, i will shoot my firery picture (read: awful) at the desk sitter. *pow pow* take that.

i figure i can't get those tacky gun tattoos (read: sexy) on my tummy, so i will buy a holster instead. i already walk around with a scarf on in 60 degree weather, i might as well go out. plus, cowboys are irresistable but not the boots or the hat, just tight jeans and those plaid shirts.

i'm afraid of what's ahead. if a sigh is an unrealized kiss than i must be the master at kissing. sigh sigh.

i don't like it when good things happen to me.

i can't sleep. not unusual. but i'm blaming this guy for it. aww.

so patrick's day. i drank conor oberst style. found out about 2 shows i want to go to. look me up at the cursive show in somerville, ya'll. i'll be there with bad haircut ian. booyaw. how do you even spell that word? it's late. i'm still woozy. my bed is lonely. my hands are cold along with my toes. oh oh...someone i know made fun of ryan adams and i didn't even get upset. jeez. i love that ryan to death. but no one lays a finger on my....billy corgan. alright. i'm done. no more billy talk for awhile. a long while.

i wish you were here. you know who you are. i want a burrito.
Monday, March 17, 2003
Happy Birthday

to billy. this is an enjoyable day.

p.s. i got my luggage back. dandy!

fact: today Billy Corgan turns 36. Sigh. He was supposed to have married me two years ago. all the good ones get away.

today, i will listen to only zwan and smashing pumpkins.
Lochness Doesn't Have Anything on Me

a hopeless kiss lost in balmy palms with moist bunny ears dip inside and touch that epic like never before. runaway unexplained somethinggirl lost in her mind too tired to try and crawl through the murk. handholding makes the situation go smoothly but she's not sure if she can make it. play it again, sam. she hasn't even seen that movie but who can't identify with that favorite song on loop on winamp. a fable. a tale. a lie. what's the difference? does a title make everything ok? i still can't understand what you say behind veiled sentences. does that look in your constitute as hunger or do you desire something more? that fresh peanut breath, spoon like sucker, head to head and leg to close but somehow being this close makes everything just a bit more foggy. so many but there's no use in choosing in some sort of understanding. it's all an illusion and i'm sure i'll wake up soon.


yeah, it was a dream. i thought so.

i'm as beautiful as the unbuttered corner of your burnt toast.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
the best little band EVER

80's Matchbox B-Line Disaster:

Guy Knight strolls into my life. Wham, like a punch to the face, knocking me to the floor with his a fucked-up blank stare, quivering cupid lips and vocals so loud they shock life into your dead grandmother raising her from beyond the grave. Eighties Matchbox can be categorized as part death rock, part psycho-billy (or so they say). They aren't your typical good music with dead content band, they have talent overall and they're live show is not to be missed. Knight's act is first interpreted as a heroin daze but the littleboylost puppy dog eyes never seem to cease - seesawing between annoying and awesome. The music is toe tappingly catchy--making Knight's scream echo out of nowhere but his whisper almost in audible. His stroll through the audience has it's impact as he crouches on the ground as he wails - the audience just looks on. Every female in the front row understands what I'm feeling as they reach out to graze his shoe with their tips of their cheap chipped polish as Knight clambers back on the stage. He performs his own Spears worthy dance routine - deep stare, drool, all while lifting his shirt half-way up his chest then quickly covering up and looking at us like we're the freaks. All I know is when the set was over, I wish I knew their name, owned all their albums and was fucking the death rock's answer to Iggy Pop.
Friday, March 14, 2003 4:58 pm

why does everything feel so permanent?

today = two failed mix cd attempts, constant loafing, PBS watching, not actually changing into clothes till 5 pm. HAH.

toasty tunes. oh how i hate thee.

p.s. why do 20 year old women advertise non-aging cream? something to ponder.

Sunday, March 9, 2003 9:40 pm

Late Night Tea Time

when i close my eyes swirls of milky cream envelope me and carry me down the stream of unconsciousness awaiting open arms but instead find a void where you should have been.

download suggestion: El Sol - Zwan

how can home no longer feel right?

"your all i wanted."
Sunday, March 9, 2003 1:00 am

Sleep Tight

what happens when you say you're going home but when you get there home is not home and where you really want to be is the place you just left? not all questions have an answer but it's nice to think outloud sometimes.

sleep comes easier when you are at a place where you feel comfortable. when things pick themselves up and depart that empty compartment also known as the heart. once you move on and embrace the things in front of you instead of behind, life seems a bit easier to take in and the air a bit more fresh.

what would i do without the Postal Service? Or Asleep by The Smiths? Answer: have bags beneath my eyes big enough to carry your whole week's worth of luggage to las vegas.

i now rest.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
gung ho

finally packed. now just bored.

took test.

Your Temperament is: Idealist (NF)

All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

for the last half an hour i've been listening to this on repeat:

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Bye bye.

the smiths. sigh.

hard to get. hard to get. play hard to get. patience. perserverence. i must remember the rules of the game and then realize that i hate games. sometimes i guess old tricks do work. sigh. i hate giving in to old ways. i have giving in. i hate giving. i hate. i. that's all there is left in the end.

dallas, today. i'm not ready to go. why does spring break sound so definite? i'm coming back afterall. i think.
Friday, March 07, 2003
Can We Say Insane? I Knew You Could.

big pants and i'm not even going to a rave. well, unless i get on a really cool flight back to dallas. maybe The Cheat will be the host and he'll use his light switch strobe on the plane. woo woo! that'll be fun but somehow i doubt that will happen.

sigh. who knew that i could have the most boring friday night ever. sigh sigh sigh. it's never even worth it. i have to sit desk in 6 hours. bleh. i a m s l o w l y g o i n g i n s a n e. that was probably the most fun i've had all day.

the basement vending machine is on the fritz again and wouldn't give me my poptarts. bitch. finicky machine. it ate one of my quarters, too. i have nothing important to say, i'm just wasting time so i don't have to pack. bye.

yes, folks i believe in horoscopes and love spells. i figure i don't have any other sort of spirituality, why not?

Today you could feel very determined when it comes to a certain auspicious romantic situation. The celestial atmosphere means that if you have been tempted recently to think that you can reach your goal just by sitting and looking pretty, you will suddenly realize the error of your ways. The person in question wants a definite sign of commitment from you before they share their feelings.

good sign. maybe.

Romance is definitely on your mind, and if you aren't already involved in a domestic situation, you might consider it seriously right now.

what does all this mean?

my new love: The Postal Service
my new advice: don't listen to your pretentious indie rock friends when in doubt to download a new band with a great singer from another band. sigh.

why am i always behind? will you hold my hand and be my guide? i love alluding to a situation that doesn't really exist. i'm in love with strangers that don't realize i exist, perhaps i'll see them today on Boylston, perhaps not. do i really care? not really. i just keep telling myself that everything will be ok.

...on the streets of Harvard Square. If you are really interested in seeing me nervous, watch me exit John Coffee's History class to go meet the boy I haven't seen in 9 years.

i want one of those iced coffees from Dunkin' Donuts with extra sugar and extra cream. i have only been in the Dunkin' Donuts attached to our school - 3 times. Hmm. also, i have a craving for burritos again and ever since i found that place that sells huge burritos for $5 i can't stop thinking about them. i think it's going to be another big burrito day for diana. mmm.

Do: listen to the theme to Knight Rider while walking to class. if you see me giggling with headphones on, it's probably because i got to track 10 on that mix i made. it's really fun.

Not to Do: style your hair before you go to bed and expect it to look "that good" when you walk up. now, i have to wash it and it looks really awful. eek! all this before i see mr. ihavenotseenyouin9years boy. sigh. i hope he's worth it. i mean, i hope he isn't annoying or something. gah.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
These Boots are Made for Rockin'

those words brought to you by zwan. they're site gives me epilepsy. oh well. go listen to "settle down" and tell me what you think, mmmk.

i think i'm trying to define myself too much by my hair. i'm really paranoid that i'll never get it to look the same and this is the first time i've been happy with a haircut in awhile. i mean happy happy. can you be happy about a haircut? hmm.

this entry was supposed to be about burritos and mix cds. here's the latest mix i made:

the random happiness factor

1. You Can Have It All - Yo La Tengo
2. Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
3. Star - Captain Audio
4. Got You Where I Want You - The Flys
5. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (japanese version) - The Flaming Lips
6. Swing Swing - The All-American Rejects
7. Ape Dos Mil - Glassjaw
8. Talk to Me, Dance with Me - Hot Hot Heat
9. Song Against Sex - Neutral Milk Hotel
10. Knight Rider Theme Song
11.Danger (High Voltage) - Electric Six
12.Youth of America - Birdbrain
13.Kids in America - The Muffs
14.Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground
15.Lady Picture Show - Stone Temple Pilots
16.These Days - Nico
17.Closer You Are - Guded By Voices
18.You're One - Imperial Teen
19.Paint By Numbers - Self
20.Goddamn It's a Beautiful Day - The Eels
21.Settle Down - Zwan

I don't know what message or theme this mix cd gives out, but if you have an idea then let me know. I mostly like putting really good songs together. I like sharing what my current obsessions are at the time. The songs I have on repeat in my head. I do realize that a bunch of these songs are giving away that lovelovelove type message. hmm...i don't know if i intended that or not. i also just realized that i was writing in capitals and now i'm not. oh well.

tis now time for sleep and this cd on repeat till i send it away to its new owner.
Pretty Face and Corduroy

he held my hand for longer than the normal 1-2-3 to show me how warm his hands were. why am i always cold when i'm around you? to decipher the "situation" would leave me confused for days. no logic, ok...but when can i see you?

Stop the Slang

due to complaints, i will not use the slang unless i interpret. i apologize for the confusion this may have caused to my thousands of readers. haha. yeah right.

song 25, justin: Self - Cannon
I'm trying to get through this playlist without falling asleep. i already took my nap for the day, so i'm all rested up for the danger that is in store for tonight. oh yes, watch out! i might leave my room and go to the basement to buy some snacks. you better move it or lose it!

how do you act around someone you haven't seen in 9 years? i meet someone from the past tomorrow and i'm not sure how much i like it. it's a frightening thing really. nine years! he's a hippie and i'm a hipster. i doubt we belong together. i just hope he showered and doesn't talk about phish nor his love for the mary jane. i don't care for either. sigh. i think i may take him to harvard square but if i take him to my favorite spots, i'll lose them to him and they'll stop being mine and they'll be ones where i brought mat, the boy i haven't seen in 9 years. yes, it only has one t. i think i'm being pessimistic about the situation. i'm best at that one activity.

a kiss? sure. *places thimble in my palm* oh, one of those. *slumps away* the tights should have given it away.
T Stories

The celestial atmosphere means you have a chance to try and pierce a veil of confusion concerning someone you have just met. You may wonder if you can trust all that they are saying, as everything seems almost too good to be true. You won't get any answers by trying to use any kind of logic. Look deeply into their eyes and search their soul.

about the julian? E.
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
old aim profile:

it's a long way down but i feel alright.

8 ball predicts: Yes, Definately

bradfords stay clear. i only speak to couth julians and pels.

member of slack addicts anonymous

Oh my sweet valentine
Guess I knew you well
Left my old better half
To be all by myself

this way i can't forget.

it's no surprise that everyone likes to throw me away. kind-hearted gestures exchanged for sly glances. lipstick smudge collared-shirts turn grey and the perfume fades and when i walk with you, all i see is your back. the sideways glance now an evil eye. the cheers of joy was what we used to be, but now when i hear them they are everyone but me. scarf tied around my neck, maybe to suffocate that last choke. that nervous gulp of air i used when i first walked up to you and said hello. things are never the same.

perhaps the night sky will descend on me and black out the eyes that see too much but recieve so little.

such sad prose for such a happy girl.

why am i such a graben? having my eyes on a a couth julian who is so dolce. we've never had a tussle but i can't tell if he digs the inner monroe in me or not. i mean i'm a rollock pel and i think he sees that. sigh. i'm no bradford and i'm certainly not dank. a dorff maybe but not dank. i'm a vexa for sure.

rodge, we totally haunted yesterday and it was so row. we watched movies and knight rider which is malodorous. knight rider = big <3. :-D

jow. i'm such a hatter for not pbing last night...again. paulin' is important and now i have to go to class with the napoleon, so red raw.

i need more sg to stay alive. soy is good for me and i keep skipping it. not row, definately not row.

i need a strat to catch my vex. i'm such a sellack for not having one.

ok, gotta tick. kit 2000.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
i can't read much into things these days. i try to find connections where threads are bare and they break away to reveal whole truths that are just disappointing in the end. i think i like punishing myself. why else can't i sleep nowadays?

a good healthy crush never hurt anyone. i wish i could let you know.
Monday, March 03, 2003
Sleep. Nah.
music: Zwan - Settle Down

you know the lists. here, satisfy that craving.

the best of being an insomniac:

~quiet time to reflect on how much time i waste online
~time to reflect on how lonely i am
~create imaginary scenarios in which i get the guy
~zombies levitating outside my wait, hallucination. no, just a genie

3 wishes:

~world peace. no no. a self-replenishing vending machine in my dorm room
~house in beacon hill with private library
~no debt

3 wish runner-ups:

~date with ryan adams
~date with anyone

if i still ate meat i would go to mcdonalds and get a sausage egg mcmuffin. god those things are tasty. *salivate*
Sunday, March 02, 2003
r0ck me
music: yoshimi battles the pink robots pt. 1 (japanese version) - the flaming lips
thanks nikki.

all i care about these days is this song by this band. danger (high voltage). i really can't plug it enough. the green on my blog is hurting my eyes. sigh.

i want to go to sleep. maybe i will. wow. first, it's insomnia and now it's sleep-all-time-disease. what the fuck is wrong with me? oh yeah, no motivation. i want this week to be over. i really want to take another BC vacation. night night.

yeah yeah. ...but i'm not licking your shoes because i like it.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
music: dysentary gary - blink 182 (i'm notstalgic.)

wooo! meet the proud new owner of two tickets to BRIGHT EYES at the Roxy on April 29th, a swanky new hairstyle, new found motivation, a slew of hot boy friends, and well...a pizza lunchable.

they don't make cajun food here like they do back's. red beans and rice here i come.

"...and what i want i get." i'm still comfortable. let's keep it this way. mmmkay.

ripping off old steam and new rhythms to jilted ears. crippled i rise from the bed that once held the corpse of a former self. a fake to the outside world. a fake to the inner me. a fake to the all-seeing eye. shedding layers revealing what's lying underneath, never lost to begin with. you can't hide from what you already know is there. coaxing the hermit out of her shell.

download: electric six - danger (high voltage) and tell me that isn't Jack White singing in the background. it has to be. play it LOUD and dance.

shows over spring break in dallas:
Hot Hot Heat at Trees on March 12
Electric Six at the Gypsy Tea Room on March 15
Be there and we'll dance.

i still can't sleep. oh well.
Laying the foundation for grown-up fairy tales since November 2001.

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Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States

Nerd. Collector. Haiku Writer. Knee sock wearer. Umbrella holder. Polaroid taker. Photobooth sitter. Casual gamer.

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