You should be scared, especially after that last entry.




take the death quiz.


and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

This was only a test losers. And no, I'm not bitter.  
¶ 7:38 PM |

 



With that said and done, I think one of the saddest realizations that someone can have is that when they realize that someone that once was important is no not important at all. Just a mirage. I once was a lost soul. I mean, this said person was important. I would spend day and night in a lost sea of obsession...haha...if I only knew that it would get nowhere other than in a complete mess and in extreme pain of the heart. That sort of pain is even harder to take than say breaking any bone in your body. Death is even a more comforting thought than realizing that you may be alone for the rest of your life. I have a black heart. Torn to shreds by one single human. I did love him you know. A very pure emotion. But when it comes to thinking of him now, I think of the physicalness we had together. Damn it was hot. And I came to the realization that I am neither an "intense" or "passionate" lover. I like to be gentle. He could really kiss. Unfortunately, he handled my breasts better than he handled my heart. Well, it's just sad. Why am I being so personal here? I know who reads this. I should stop and just roll over and smoke another joint. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs and I don't smoke or drink. Oh, well I will find solice in a nice book and a cup of mocha from Starbucks. Yes, I am corporation. Suck this you uniformed indie punksters. I can't be like you in every aspect. I like Sears goddamit. I'm not gonna change my ways just to be "cool."

I am now trying to be vegetarian. Don't talk me out of it. Fuck you Carnivores! You will rot in Hell while I eat my I eat my steamed vegetables in Heaven. YUM! 
¶ 7:35 PM |

  Well, I'm not like him in every aspect of that definition you know. 
¶ 2:02 AM |

  YES...a quiz answer I'm not ashamed to show off. YUM YUM YUM! Is it possible to have a crush on yourself?



Which Member of Placebo are You?

another quiz from the mind of Peta with a shitload of help from Ashley

 
¶ 2:01 AM |

 

Take the Which of Dan's Favorite Bands Are You? Test 
¶ 1:56 AM |

  Wow...today I'm on a blogging role. Why stop now?!

Here is the car that I got in my Mash. CAR 
¶ 10:44 PM |

  http://mash.dork.nu/

You live in a House.
You're married to Darren Hayes.
You drive a vw passant.
Your car is the color fresco green.
You live in the state Illionois.
Your honeymoon is Italy.
Your occupation is a dj.
You have this many kids: 1 (0 male; 1 female).

 
¶ 10:39 PM |

  Wait, that sounds like that the Soulmate is all those things. Hmm, that's not what I meant at all. What I meant was that the Soulmate is now referred to as That Boy. Just for future reference. Oh, will he love this.  
¶ 7:02 PM |

  Alright, sometimes you wonder around in this jungle called life with your head held high knowing that someone where out there is someone that is thinking of you in an extra special way. That someone appreciates how you look. How you feel. How you move. How you speak. Not necessarily worships the ground you walk on, but generally loves to be with you. Would never hurt you. Ever. Never. You just love being in the room with them. Just watching how they touch their chin when they speak about their favorite brand of gummy bears. You can sit in silence and just hold hands. You can lay down together turn on Deathcab for Cutie and just enjoy it. Just sit there and suck it in and never want to move. You never want it to end. They wear studded belts. They let you paint their nails. Blue eyes. Brown eyes. Doesn't really matter in the long run. Neither does being really tall. It just matters that they listen to you.

Soulmate = That Boy

I'm sorry that I've been gone for like forever. I am tired of things. I am apathetic numb girl. I can hardly think. I didn't go to class this morning. I have come down with this awful cold thing. Bleh. My throat hurts so much.

Why must I be so sincere. So honest. So "passionately" obsessive that it hurts me in the long run. It always does. I always hurt myself. Advice to you: Your Mother is Always Right. I mean, make the mistake first. Do it your way. I do. Then I'm like, "Shit! She was right." Oh, well. I will learn one day. I'm still looking for my punk in shining armor. If you are it sign my guest book and make my day. If you aren't him, then sign the damn thing anyway. Does anyone even read this? I'm just curious. I don't really care. I do this for me anyway. I'm a writer.  
¶ 7:01 PM |

  You need to do it. I will say it again and again. It's so accurate that I'm getting hives. It's so true...true true true. I do not lie. Colorgenics:



At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).

In actual fact you are not willing to exert yourself in any way. You have that truly 'laid back' attitude and are unwilling to extend yourself or exert undue effort. You feel that to move forward - be it in your life style or in business relationships - would require more energy output than you are prepared to give at this time. You want to take life easy and your attitude is such that 'Enough is Enough'.

Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

That last part is not right I think. I don't want to be left alone. At least I don't right now. If it's talking about who it's talking about. Oh, well...I don't care if people say these are generic. I mean if it's right on the money than it's right on the money you know. Whatever. What the hell does right on the money mean? I've used that like 3 times in the last 5 minutes. Hahahaha

My Horoscope:

You're finally starting to realize what you want to do with yourself, Virgo. It ain't what you're doing now, either. Don't be too quick to jump into the new thing, though – you need a concrete plan first.

This is true as well. I must be intune with the stars today.

 
¶ 5:38 PM |

  I think that people are sick of me. That people are sick of dealing with me. They don't know what to do with me. They want to tolerate it. Fuck it, I'm an awesome person. I know this. But people can only go on so long hearing the same shit over and over. I like to be miserable. I like to feel the hurt run up and down my spine. Tunneling it's way deep into my nervous system. I can feel the fright. I am fear. I am scared to discover who I want to be. Who I really am. I thought college would help me decide that, but in the end college is just a huge building in Boston with teachers teaching you about themselves. In the end that's all we ever know if ourselves. Can we know people as well as we know ourselves? I think so. I don't know myself at all. I could care less. I don't know who I'm becoming or where to turn to. I am broke and I like it. I don't need to live on materlistic goods anymore. I just want to be me. I want to do music. That is my first love. I want to write, but not as much as I enjoy music. I don't want to go to school to write. I want to learn something that I've never learned before. I am interested in radio. So why not get off my lazy ass and go pursue that? Well, I'll tell you right here why I don't want to do that. I'm scared lazy and impatient. What a fucking combination that is. I mean not only do I have to please myself, but I need to please my mother. I don't regret that. I live to please my mom. I have my own life, but my mom doesn't. She has to stay at home and hold everything together. Sometimes I cry just knowing what she has to go through. Yes, I hate when she calls me fifteen times a day asking me begging me to do my taxes, but I refuse and say that I've done them working on them...whatever. I think that's what hurts me the most is that I see her situation and that I don't make it better. I like to be comfortable. I like my little world. I like not knowing and being lazy and skipping classes ~ I've only done this once, but still. I needed it. I needed to feel that in my bones. What is was like to skip class and just go out and do something, like lunch in the dining hall with Laura. I love that nose ring. I love Laura so much.

Sometimes I feel she's the only one that I can turn to. Sometimes I feel like I only have my third floor girls. Other times I hate them. I don't care if this read this, they need to know. I love them. My love for them will never go away. I always want to be there for them, but yes I get angry at them like any other human being gets angry at their friends...but maybe a little to frequently. My Soulmate made me realize a few things. That not everyone has it together. But my world falls apart unless I have a plan. And now my plan isn't right anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. This is not something that just happened yesterday, this happened so long ago that I can't even rememeber. I don't want to. I've been hiding the feeling in the back of my head. I didn't want to see it. Writing has always been my gift. But I don't want to go to school to learn to write, but I do but I don't. I don't know me anymore. I just know that writing hasn't been easy for me lately. It's been so hard to focus on anything. I can't focus on anything. I need to focus on something. I fell in love this year. Yes, it was a heartbreak. But I'm glad that I know what it feels like. This feeling that I could never understand before. I can't even describe what it is. At first I was so skeptical. Was I saying this to make him stay? To make him love me back? I didn't want to think that's what I was doing, but in some ways I thought right on...he does not want to hear this. I am making this so hard on him myself the world. I don't care. I see it. I recognize it. Love is a fucking strange thing. Go out and experience love right now. All you need is love. See, now I'm quoting the Beatles. Damn Meg...Damn Moulin Rouge. I can see the mini Ewan McGregor sitting on my shoulder whispering to keep it up. Never give up. I never will. How can you make it just go away? You can't. It doesn't work like that. Love doesn't fade in weeks months years. It will go when it's right for it to go away. I'm glad he listens. Sometimes I think he's the only one listening.  
¶ 12:10 PM |

  Hello world. It happens every time I want to wear a dress/skirt/flares...it snows or rains. Today I looked out and it was flurrying outside. It's wonderful really. I love it. Beautiful snow. Drifting white pieces of thin as air ice. It's so beautiful. Why didn't it really snow in Boston this year? It's depressing. I like snow. Hell, I'm being modest I am in love with snow. Fall and Winter are my favorite seasons. The changing of the leaves and wearing sweaters and drinking hot chocolate and sleding and skiing (I don't ski, but I love watching that Johnny Mosley. What a hottie!) and I love laying in bed and looking out of the window and seeing the ground all white. I just love winter clothes. I'm the sorta person that wears sweaters all year. I wear them in Texas...in 100 degree weather. I think we have established my lack of sanity. I don't wear them outside, just inside.

Tonight is Ryan Adams. It finally came. It's here. It's Ryan Adams. He's so beautiful. I can't wait to see him. I'm really nervous about this concert. I'm actually really anxious and scared feeling. I always get like this, but normally it happens just before I go to the show. I guess I'm a lot more excited than I thought I was. I have a camera and I'm going to take tons and tons of pictures. Well, I'm going to take as many pictures as I can. *sighs* I don't think I want to wait to meet him. I'm afraid that I will make a fool of myself. I just adore him so. He is so amazing.

Well, as much as I love to post in this thing. I need to go over an essay for class. Yeehaw! 
¶ 12:01 PM |

  My SPRING BREAK just ended today. I'm happy though. It turned out so swell. I sound like some uncool 50s dad. My third floor girls are back. I'm so glad they are. I missed them so much. I got to hang out with Laura some on Friday, which was so wonderful. I love Laura, Kate, and Meg so much. I'm glad that I got some time to hang out with Danielle too. Ugh...the third floor is my second home. Yes, and Wentworth is my third home. Texas is my fourth. Out of all my homes I hate Texas the most. The sad thing is that it is my REAL home. Oh well.

I'm glad that I'm happy again. I mean I was content, but now I am so happy. I just love this feeling of being ecstatic. I feel so loved and accepted. I love all my friends. I'm glad that the Soulmate is back in my life. I missed him so much. I don't think he will ever understand how much I feel for him. Summer is going to be so long. What will I do without my friends. I hate this. Ok, I won't think about that now. Let's move on to another wonderful day. I love you Boston. 
¶ 9:44 PM |

  I think I am one of those people that just don't understand pop music. I mean why do it? Is it all about the money? It must be. There is no point then. A lot of pop music will be lost in the next two years. I mean, seriously do they still play New Kids on the Block? No. What did they play? They were the original boy band. I liked Joe McIntire. He was such a hottie. He is still is. I wonder if he would consider me wife material? Hey, you Joey I love your blue eyes. I owned one of those silly hats with no top. I had a huge Joe poster in my room. I looked at you everyday. I would fight for your honor.

Someone asked me the other day if I would make out with some stranger on the street. If some HOT, and when I say HOT, I mean whoa baby seriously hot, guy came up to me and kissed me would I keep kissing them. I don't know. I would think it was weird. It might also depend on my mood. Maybe one day I would find that acceptable and another I would find that completely gross. Well, as long as they don't smell.

Ok, the hottest guys on my list right now are DARREN HAYES of Savage Garden and BRIAN MOLKO of Placebo. I mean, come on they are both so hot. They are also very feminine guys. I've always liked feminine guys. I think that's why I'm attracted to the punks of nowadays. They are just not into the whole anarchy thing. They are cute like a pixie. Come on, Sum 41 couldn't fuck anyone up. Maybe they could beat someone with their studded belts, but I doubt they would. I would though, but if I did my pants would fall down. I want a studded belt. I want a studded cuff too. I would forgo the studded belt for the studded cuff. My friends won't buy me things like that because they see me as this cute innocent wannabe punk. When they themselves have no idea what punk really is. Whatever. Also, I just think plaid and argyle are really hot. Maybe I'm not a punk, but if given the chance I would cut my hair short and spike it. I've always wanted to do it. Way before I was punk or not punk depending on who you are reading this. I just think it's really cute.

I am an obsessive person. When I get into something. I don't give up. At least not lately. I mean yah fads pass, but I like get seriously obsessive and then get consumed by it. I love that. I've always been like that. I just love everything that I own. I give everything my all. That's why I am so tired. I am constantly involved with something. That explains why having an online journal is like addictive. I just love writing. I am obsessive about it. And to imagine that I almost went to the University of Toronto to become a hockey player. Yah, babee. I was going to be the second female in the NHL. I haven't watched a game in so long. Go PENS! It's hard to choose a team now because Jaromir Jagr doens't play for them anymore, but Mario Lemieux does. That just sucks. Oh, well...I miss hockey. Hockey games are the best. Taco Bell is also good. YUM! *drools* I want some taco bell. That sounds so good right now. However, I have enough money to take the T to get tacos, but not actually to buy any. :-( Oh, well. I'm going to have a lot of money after this break. I'll have a check. Hooray! SPRING BREAK is almost over. *weeps* I wasted the whole damn thing. I did get to see the Soulmate. Will I ever understand what I feel about him? I don't know. I just know that I love seeing him. That I miss him so much when he leaves. I wish I could see him everyday. 
¶ 2:16 PM |

  Today is so nice out! It's 61! That is so insane. I love Boston! Today I went out for breakfast at McDonald's. Yum. I got a number 3 - Sausage Egg McMuffin. Yum...with orange juice. I can't describe how much I love those things. Blogger was being a real bitch earlier. It wouldn't let me on. The server was too busy. :-( I hated that. I had all these great ideas.

Ok...why don't we see more mounted policemen? No, not on each other but on horses. I saw some through my bathroom window today. Horses are so beautiful. For a long time I didn't like them. I appreciated their beauty, but I really just thought they were really big stinky animals. I like them more now. I've never got horseback riding. I think that would be fun. But at the same time it would be scary. My mom is really into horses. Do you remember Fashion Tail Phillies? Is that how you spell it? Hahaha...I had some. Also, I had My Little Ponies. Sweet Sixteens as well. I miss all those great things. I'm glad they brought back the slap bracelet. What a great invention. The 80s were GREAT. Ok, some of it was good. Though I wonder now how I tolerated that stupid Full House show. I mean it was good, but still...a moral every show. What about Urkel...that was great. I miss Perfect Strangers. Yum, that Balki. What happened to that actor. He was on Step by Step for a bit. He has an accent and nice muscles. He was such a hunk. I don't know his name but he was sure delicious. Haha, this is so ridiculous. I'm going to take a quick little nap. Since I didn't go to sleep until 3:30 am yesterday. Damn naps...they ruin you they do. See, I even warned myself not to take one, but do I listen to my advice. No way!

NAP TIME!

P.S. Make sure to make everyday SKA day! Happy time is every time you listen to SKA. I do not lie. 
¶ 2:37 PM |

  I can't sleep. I'm starting to waste away my life being so one minded. Lately, all I can think about is being next to boys. And when I say (or rather type) next to boys, that means in bed. Not sex, but cuddling. I just want someone to be there. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything is ok. That I am pretty and not just a worthless piece of shit. Also, I've just been damn frisky lately. I really just need to make out with someone. I know that's pretty shallow, but sometimes humans are shallow. My SPRING BREAK is not going as planned. I've just wasted my entire break thinking about this whole situation. God, I need some. And when I say some I don't mean sex. It's pretty much implied that I want nothing to do with sex right now. That would confuse things, but other sexual activities are fine. I think that maybe I'm being too personal here. I'm not going to worry about it. I don't care right now. I have come not to regret things I put in here anymore. Wait, I never regret anything. I just wish that I could write write write all day long. I <3 my North!! He's sitting in my lap right now. Ok, I gotta get up early. I am going to MacDonald's for breakfast. I think I spelled McDonalds's wrong. Wait, both look wrong. Hrm...what to do what to do. My foot is falling asleep. I'm really excited about getting breakfast but not about not being able to sleep.

Note to self: Do not take naps in the eveing, especially at 7:30. That is just stupid and insane. Huh, I really need to start learning from my mistakes.

P.S. I added more cliques. I'm really lame. How can I be punk and be in no punk cliques. Hmm, I will solve this later.
 
¶ 1:55 AM |

  Woohoo...I'm a smart girl and figured out how to upload things to a server. DUH! I'm really proud of myself. Sometimes all it takes is a little thinking and some processed cheese substitute. YUM! 
¶ 12:06 PM |

  OMG...you really should go to Colorgenics and do this. Mine is dead on. I'm serious. Here is it:

You have always longed for the shared warmth, love and deeper emotions of a special person who has a similar sensitivity of feeling to your own and with whom you would like to share your future. You are a very gentle warm person with an unselfish giving nature. You are also artistic and responsive to "All things bright and beautiful". These elements personify you as a caring person - a person who "needs" and indeed "needs to be needed". You will prosper, which is deserved, and as a consequence the future looks good.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

Circumstances are holding you back...forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation...and before you even know it...the situation could change....

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity... and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are.. but no.. you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself make you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest ... beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from a close and harmonious relationship.
 
¶ 11:21 AM |

  I just had the strangest dream. I was asked by four different guys to a dance. I knew at least one of the guys. Not well, but I knew him. I couldn't decide who I wanted to go with so they decided to bet money on me. They all sat at a huge table, and supposedly I wasn't suppose to find out, but I ended up walking in and finding out about it. I watched the whole thing from another table. It was so stange. Finally, one guy won it with sixty dollars. Though I mean they were like rabid dogs. The dollars amounts were a lot higher than that. It went all over the place. I finally, said that I would really like to just choose my own date. I ended up choosing this Asian boy, the one that I kinda knew in real life, but he was a mix of two Asian boys that I have a crush on right now. Hahaha...it was so strange. I mean, why would some guys bet on me? That makes no sense. 
¶ 11:06 AM |

  Hello, again...it's still SPRING BREAK! Danielle and I went to the aquarium in Boston. It was so nice. It had this huge section dedicated to penguins. Actually, most of the first floor. It was so amazing. Then in the middle of the aquarium they had this big tank that had all sorts of fish...including big turtles. Big swimming turtles. They probably have a special name like Huge Big Turtulus, but I don't want to get too technical here. It was such an awesome place to go. If you are ever in Boston go there. I bought a cute sea otter stuffed animal. It is spotted and it's name is North. I love him so much. I saw him sitting in this bin where he didn't belong and I carried him around. He was sorta expensive, but it was worth it. He is my new best friend! :-) Hooray for stuffed animals. I needed a new companion so badly. Also, hooray for Vanilla Chais at Dunkin' Donuts. I like them too. Also, mochas at Starbucks. Ok, hooray for coffee type hot drinks in general. Wait, cold ones too. Yay!!!!

So I've got this new obsession with Placebo now. It's all because of that damn Velvet Goldmine soundtrack. It's so good. Glam rock, well, just rocks! Their song on that soundtrack is amazing. 20th Century boy is what it is called...check it out.

Ok, north and I need to go bye bye. *waves a flipper*

Whoa...Ryan Adams concert is in a whole week! HOORAY! I am so psyched. Yes, I will take pictures. ;-) 
¶ 4:21 PM |

  Instead of going outside and doing fun SPRING BREAK things I stay inside and take useless quizzes. Wow...I'm a fun and cool person.




What era of Trent Reznor are you? Take the What Trent Are You? quiz to find out!
Quiz by !


Go to Hard Bitter Candy for more Holeness.




Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

The results to this quiz disturb me more than you would think. Why am I a band with shitty songs on the radio? This can't be so. Oh, god...I've sold out!

 
¶ 3:55 PM |

  SPRING BREAK! 
¶ 11:13 AM |

  So he did it. He convinced me. The Soulmate convinced me that he is a huge creep. I shouldn't print this, because he's going to be ecstatic that I think that. I'm glad that I think that. It helps forget. I cried for half an hour last night. I feel asleep crying, and the worst thing about it was that when I was crying I was thinking about holding him the whole time. I held my little Eeyore instead. I cried so loud that I thought my next door dorm neighbor would come yell at me. I was so upset. I took him off my AIM list. He's not blocked, but I don't want to see his name there at all. I want to think for a bit that he doesn't exist, which is next to impossible. I mean think of the scenerio...I lust over this boy that I thought I would have no chance with. Then I get him for a bit. Then we have a physical relationship. Then he is gone. Just like that. I'm glad that he has who he really wants...not me...yes, the ex. I'm glad that he has her. I am. They deserve each other. I don't even know what that means, it feels like I should just be mean for some reason. I dont' want to be, but what a jerk. Last night, it felt like he just used me for the hormones. I mean, yeah it was great. It was more than great. It was wonderful.

Rock 'N Roll is sexuality personifed. ~Steven Tyler

I can't talk about it anymore. It hurts inside. I want to talk about it, just not right now. Not this soon. I will try to distract myself the best I can. I miss him. NO! See...I will not think about him anymore. DAMN YOU! *flips the bird to the Soulmate and stomps on that stupid hat* 
¶ 12:25 AM |

  Hooray! only some of these entries are weird. 
¶ 7:03 PM |

  Ok, hmm...i mess up my layout. Ugh...computers suck. 
¶ 7:03 PM |

 

You are the Christmas bow! You get forgotten many times, but others, you shine so brightly, people can't resist noticing you. You may have your ups and downs, but to many people, you're the best present someone could have: something shiny, cheerful, and bright.

What random object on Kat's wall are you?? Find out here!!!

By and !!

Email: lucysawfire@hotmail.com