The Hipster Brigade
Sunday, October 31, 2004
  what goes on inside her head

lately, i've had my mind on vacation & other things of luxury. i've been reading about the lives of bebe buell & courtney love -- two badass chicks -- that make me want to be all sassy. although, i have to admit that i'm much too sweet for that. i'd crumble under pressure. i can't go around saying fuck you to everyone and fucking rock stars. it's too much work. i need an office job with a tight schedule and perhaps some fancy dinner parties. i wish i was this sex glam rock vixen, but i'm lackluster teen queen wannabe that hides under her bangs all day. although, i have to say that it's a comfortable position and i'm not crawling out from under my shell any time soon. i prefer a quiet life with small treasures.

but one day, maybe i'll make a transformation. although, you'll never see me in head to toe leather, it goes against my morals.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
  such a longing for love poetry

Monday, October 25, 2004
  updated because i felt like it

it's 2am and my hair is wet and dripping down my back. i'm supposed to be in bed, but i couldn't sleep. i just recovered from a slight panic attack given to me by an ex-close friend. i didn't even have to talk to her, just read some words, and there i was grabbing my chest and gasping for air. i can't really talk about it. i just felt nervous, guilty, anxious and sick to my stomach. a combination of everything awful. i wonder if that is what a heart attack feels like?

today. sunday. yesterday. whatever. the weekend flew by so quickly, and i spent it reading The Bucher Boy by Patrick McCabe and i'm supposed to hate it/despite it, but i love it so much. i couldn't stop reading even if it made me antsy and hungry while i read along. well, the text didn't make me do that, just the act of sitting and concentrating so hard.

i'm trying to write this entry right off the top of my head, so if it seems jumpy and rambling that's why. normally, there's some sort of formula and idea. i come here and type a title first and then go from there. titles are very important to me and normally are the whole reasons for entries. i try not to write stupid little things here & keep that for my livejournal, but i wonder if this is just lacking in content and maybe i'll tell the world that i had a milk shake for lunch. maybe that's what i feel like doing anyhow. i don't care if no one reads this anymore. no one does anyway. where did my readers go?

i can't entertain an audience. i would make a terrible actress.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
  death at emerson

It is with great sorrow that we inform the community of the death of Victoria Snelgrove, ’06. Victoria died on Thursday, October 21 as a result of injuries sustained during celebratory activities in the Kenmore Square area after the Boston Red Sox game. Victoria was a Journalism student who had transferred to Emerson in the fall of 2003.She was 21 years old and resided in East Bridgewater, Mass.

In light of this incident, classes tomorrow, October 22, will not be held.

heart breaking.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
  website of the day
  discover eric hutchinson

eric hutchinson is pretty good.
is he coming to your school? go check the tour dates and if so, go see the man! he is an emerson alum and i think he's quite brilliant. seriously, i used to sit feet away from him and watch him eat breakfast/lunch/dinner. not to mention, he would play open mics quite a bit. go listen to snippets of his cd as well! rock n roll is the best song you'll never hear on the radio.

p.s. you don't really think i have this blog to write about myself, do you?
Thursday, October 14, 2004

it had been so long since his hands were on me. the last time a hug in the airport, one where i didn't want to let go, to walk towards the gates. something around 4 months later, i knew that i would want him again. i wanted so badly for his lips to be on mine, his hands roaming under my shirt, pinching nipples and breathing in my ear as i moaned back into his. there were some days where i couldn't take it anymore. where i touched myself thinking about him -- his cock in me -- and the days i would have to wait till i could feel his weight crushing me. the comfort of his movements of hands, hips and thighs. everything touching.

then the jitters started. what if things were different? i was scared that things had changed between us and the passion that was there before would be gone the second time around. would he feel the same? would things feel the same between us? it was the night before coming back to boston, and i couldn't sleep anticipating our next moves. i couldn't wait to see him, touch him.

i remember his swagger. he doesn't walk. he strides confidently towards me and he presses his hands against my back and his lips against mine. there's a crowd, but he doesn't care. and the heat feels so good. he feels so good. i know i want him, but i'm shy.

when it's just the two of us on my new dorm bed with the squeaky plastic matress, i can't remember what to do. i can't remember what he likes and what he doesn't. but it all sinks back into me, but i'm shy. i don't know if it's okay to kiss him and touch him again. it's been so long. too long and i have to learn it all over again. i have to get used to his breath, his lips, his hands & his touch. his weight on me doesn't feel the same as i remember -- there's something different -- but who says that it's bad? he has hips that i don't remember. bones that i don't remember being able to feel. he's been working out and he's hard all over.

the kisses take time to warm up to. it's like visiting home for the first time in months and it feels different even it nothing has changed. i feel like it's the very first time all over again. like this is our first kiss in that kitchen, the night that i was a bit too drunk and you were eager to touch me and you said i moved my leg up and down yours. everything feels warm & tight & new.

when he slips into me, it hurts and i want to say no. but instead, i take it in and i move with him. he has to move slowly, make me used to him again. his size, strength and weight. it's all new. soon, i want him harder and there are only yes's and moans and oh god's. i don't want him to stop, because when he pulls out there feels like something is missing. i need to be filled up. always.

we fuck. over and over. each time, moving with him, because it's pain and pleasure. it's been too long and my body has forgotten what it feels like to be filled. what it's like not to be empty.
  in bed

what was he thinking when he left this morning? he couldn't trust me alone in such a warm space with such quiet surrounding my every moment -- no tvs on, no music blasting & no streaming sunlight to disturb my sleep. eventually, i knew i'd have to wake up but i also knew that i wasn't going to go to class today. i knew that i was going to get up in the late afternoon and lie around in my pajamas and maybe not eat dinner till really really late and visit the photobooth on my way back home.

i'm wearing the softest pair of tights right now, and it makes me want to forever be in long skirts and button-up blouses. there are days when i'm so in love with being a woman that it's almost sickening. it's like i've caught some girly disease and i can't wait to get pregnant and raise children and bake cookies. then i snap back into reality and i know that those things are a long time in coming and that's okay. it's really really okay. although, i can still bake cookies and dunk them in whole milk.

i've got to remind myself that i'm 23 and i hate to see myself "settling down" but i think that's what i've been craving. i'm so alive right now, and my mind is peaceful. i'm not searching for any new ideas or looking for flaws in the world. i'm in love and that's okay.

i talk about love so much in here that i'm afraid i'm losing my audience. i really can't help talking about love & sex & every changing emotions. i seem so up and down that unless i write it down the second i think it, it might change. i really don't like change.
  tiny pleasures & big thank you's

{stay till you're sure that i'm asleep -- drawings by tim cook}
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
  friends do brilliant things, yes

{picture taken by insane tinkerbell}

"petting a cat is kind of like making out with a girl. you like it a lot, but after a while, you sort of get bored and want something more satisfying to do. only she wants more of that. or sometimes she doesnt want anything to do with you."

"Usually when I pet my cat, she starts licking my arm and I get weirded out. That's never happened when I was making out with a girl, but I'm sure I'd get just as weirded out."
  please buy me political panties

axis of eve
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
  my tea is much too sweet

  not just about the fists

there are many wonderful things in the air right now. so many things i have figured out over just three short days -- drinking even small amounts of alcohol has a terrible effect on me, candle pin bowling is awesome, html is a mystery, vanilla coke is not for squares, shopping with your boyfriend is quite fun, always watch your soda bottle while opening it, sometimes the small clouds win, benjamin franklin is not boring, felicity is used too often in american literature, indian food should not be served by pissy hispanics that just want to go home, dark corners make me sleepy, garlic is an exotic spice, blueberry pancakes are the food of the god's & i act like i've been married for years, except for all the sex.

i haven't had much time for homework, housework or reading. yes, they are all very important and my recent purchase of a my little pony set is probably not going to help this matter, but i want people to know that i'm on my toes daily. i'm working things out with my writing organization here at school (& i'm trying to be a good, interesting president), and it's taking me awhile to get into things but school work is becoming a bit easier and i'm psyched for my classes, at least most of them. i'm trying to be more excited about everything lately, because i have been feeling a bit down. i know that things are not as bad as they seem. i know i'm not an ugly failure that can't even open a soda without spilling it on herself. i'm really trying to see at least the brighter side of things. or at least, stay in the shadows, not in the dark.

i'd like to say that i got an A on my last poem about the blue tile. it took 12 rewrites to come up with that final version and it made me pretty excited to finally get something i deserved. my short story made my writing professor excited, which in turn, made me more excited about writing new pieces. i have exciting new books i need to get read: the big bang by the writers of nerve and blinking with fists by billy corgan -- WHO IS COMING TO BOSTON ON THE 15TH OF OCTOBER -- YES, THAT IS FRIDAY!! & i must start saving money.

now i think i've said it all for today. goodnight.
  the summer & the fall so far

another night of sweet dreams

||araki nobuyoshi
Friday, October 08, 2004
  fucked up

i really wanted to write this entry in the third person, because i have a hard time saying what i want to say sometimes. those feelings that i've been having about "the missing" feel like they have gone, which is fantastic. i'm glad that i don't feel like a big black hole with nowhere to turn. i felt very unhappy that i couldn't figure out what was keeping me down. although, nothing gets me down a lot of the time. it's hard to explain to someone that i get sad over nothing. i can't help it. sometimes i just like to be down & out and upset. i think crying is the next best thing to the orgasm, but that's probably just me.

i've known for a long time that i'm easily threatened by other women. i don't know why, but i feel very insecure about other girls. i think because i have so few female friends that i believe everyone wants to have what i have or is jealous of me or wants something from me. i think women are evil and i don't know why. i want to feel comfortable around them. it's just i never was the girl that the boys always wanted. i always had to work so much harder to be desirable and accepted. i still feel ugly even if today i was hit on in the boston common, and many men looked and whistled at me. i mean i should not feel this way, but i can't make it go away. not yet. i don't feel safe yet with myself. it's only sometimes. i certainly don't feel attacked all the time, but i feel needy.

i guess i don't know why i feel the way that i do. i just want it to go away, because it interfers with way that i feel a lot of the time, which IS SAFE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE. i wish i knew how to make it go away, but right now his arms wrapped tightly around me and the look in his eyes are enough. i know he loves me and i'm not afraid. not anymore.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
  no peeping

  haiku polaroid fairy tale

typing empty words
the game over guitar fuzz
she's not the winner

at night, i can't sleep and i spend a lot of time trying to figure things out. i'm starting to feel a bit more even, which really makes me happy. i got told to smile again today -- "it'll make you live longer" -- a physician told me that, so perhaps i should take her advice. she also told me i was healthy and pink, and although i figured nothing was wrong with me -- it was my first time & i was nervous.

i found out that i have a subtle heart murmur. she told me it was nothing to worry about and she could only tell when i was lying down. this might be why i run out of breath so easily. i haven't had a serious check-up in a long time, because i'm scared of doctors but she makes me want to visit them more often. she is a sweet kind woman! i wish the world was full of people like her. i might be able to make it through the day without being irritated.

i'm sending out some mail today, which makes me very happy.

i'm drinking a starbucks doubleshot for the very first time, and they aren't that bad. i have to say i was a bit frightened to try one, but they aren't as strong as i thought they would be. i bet real italian expresso is so much better. i think anything that is made in italy is so much better, but apparantly my sister tells me otherwise. my sister is in school in rome, in case you didn't know.

i have two workshops in a row this week. i have one this afternoon after my latest short story, and another tomorrow on a poem. the second one, "please no diamonds" and i'm a bit nervous about both. i'm always scared of workshop, especially my fiction one, since there is a this pretentious boy who sits to my right and says things like, "this is complete fodder!" and things like that. very unconstructive. i think if you are going to put something down, you might as well say, "well, this is a good idea, but you could really spice it up here and here and here." saying the comments he says, do not help anyone become a better writer and that's why we are taking the class! oh, such boneheads!

& now off to the land of the postal office.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
  please remember, i'm an amateur

I turned both of these in to my Intro to Poetry class. Mind you, I am no poet. Although, the professor particularly enjoyed the first piece, and my second piece gets workshopped on Friday. i'm pretty excited about it all. i really am having to start a greater appreciation of poetry, even if it takes me days and hours to write one (pretty short) poem.

Our first assignment had to have a reference to music in it, and the second one was a free -- our choice -- poem. I haven't sat down to revise the first one, which i fully intend on doing, so i can get a better grade in the class. please remember that poetry is not necessarily about the author, and that there is always narrator of the poem. (but seriously, who are we kidding. we know that these are about me 'in a way').

Never Ahead

David is home
turns on the game
and I roll my eyes,
turn up the HiFi
I am trying to write,
I yell
I AM – he turns it off
and I can hear him whistling
over the guitar fuzz
and I twist down the dial
and the room belongs to him again
his team is winning
but my paper is still blank

Please No Diamonds

I have a key
for when you aren’t home
because I’m afraid
you’ll think I’m silly
staring at the blue
in your bathroom
the turquoise tile
better than any ring
you could give me

I’m never here
when you return
  where does it go?

i have misplaced my time. i feel constantly overwhelmed and i'm slowly losing it. i cannot stop spending money on zines & materials for writing letters. i must stop this habit. i feel like something is missing and i want to buy new sheets, book shelves and storage cubbies in order to fill that empty void. i feel like everything is starting to fit, but as much as i feel like school is "no big deal" -- it still does not feel right at all. i'm still overwhelmed by the tiniest of details.

i skipped counseling this week, which i doubt was a very good idea. i'm also getting my girl parts checked out for the very first time. i have avoided the gynecologist for way too long and it's time to do something about it. i also started taking birth control, because i'm not ready for babies. i don't know if i'll ever be ready for babies, but i think one day, i may want to have children. one day in the long time future.

i went to the photobooth the other day (october 4) in a very long time and my hair is so long now. i have over 40 strips on my wall now and it's this history of my hair and it's strange. i can't decide if i'm just going to let it grow and grow and grow of if i want to chop it off. i think sometimes i just like things the way they used to be and i don't like change very much.

my favorite times lately have been when i'm with my boyfriend. it's just been nice to have him by my side while i do homework and he watches the tv on mute and surfs the internet. i also watched him play video games the other day, and it made me miss super nes very badly and how often i used to use video games as some sort of release from just the daily hardships. i miss that.

i miss my cds very much. i cannot believe i thought i could get through without them here with me. i don't think i'm going to be able to make it much longer without them by my side! please send me mix tapes/cds. i will forever love you!

i'm starting to think of my future apartment with my boyfriend, and how our books will be forced together on the same shelf. there's something about that image that makes me smile. i love the idea of our things together. i think they will live quite happily sharing the same shelf.

i want cloud stamps. & this is all for tonight.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Sunday, October 03, 2004
  the buttons

i like being the last one in the elevator. lonely elevators are one of the most underrated simplest things in the universe. sometimes i pace and other times i just let out a scream. i suppose they're hear me as a i pass by the floor -- speaking to myself and counting out the errands that i have to get through for the rest of the day. there's just something really peaceful about an empty elevator.

also, i'm quite fond of being pushed up against the sides of elevators for long passionate stolen kisses. & a quick feel! but that's just the kind of girl i am.
Friday, October 01, 2004

  the dirty truth

i'm really fucking tired of blog templates and the search for free ones that look remotely decent. since i don't know html, i really need someone's help. i'll repay you with kindness or brownies or something. we'll think of some sort of deal, but i have an idea and i need someone's help to make it happen, but i'm thinking of something that looks like this:

screenshot taken from girl swirl zine

i'm really interested in dotted boxes for each entry and maybe a few more on the side with a possible image above the boxes on the side as well. maybe the image could be this:

if i knew how to actually use photoshop to cut out the ladies and the umbrella, i would do that to help speed up the process, but yes. i'm also thinking of a name change, because i'm not sure if turtle is cutting it for me nowadays. yeah, sure i'm turtle-like. i have always been this way. i will always stay in my shell to some extent, but i'd really like to be called, "polka dots and umbrellas" or something like that. maybe i can just change the name back to "the hipster brigade," but i need a new change or else i'm going to lose it. i guess this is a lot to ask of my 5 loyal readers, but please, do me a fucking favor, folks. i'm open to suggestions.
Laying the foundation for grown-up fairy tales since November 2001.

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Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States

Nerd. Collector. Haiku Writer. Knee sock wearer. Umbrella holder. Polaroid taker. Photobooth sitter. Casual gamer.

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