This is my last entry for who knows how long. It's going to be a long, long break without internet. I don't know if I can stand being off AIM for a whole month. Ugh. Well, we can do what we can do. I don't know why I said that. That is so Jonathan. So very, very Jonathan. I haven't talked to him in forever, which is damn fine with me. It's nice that I have like a total of two great people sign my guestbook. Yippee!! I will miss everyone over break...

Kate, Meg, Steve, Dani, April, MARK!!!!, Laura, and Grantiepoo and all my cute buddies on AIM...and to the people I forgot I do apoligize.

Ok, nothing exciting has happened since the last post. I miss my SOULMATE. Oh, well. Night and anon! 
¶ 1:36 AM |

  Hey I'm going to go home soon...so I don't know when I'm going to be able to write in this again. Not much new has happened other than I think about the SOULMATE daily, and it's really messing with my head a lot.

On the better side of things, I went Christmas shopping today with my friend Kate. I bought gifts for my mother, sister, and grandma. Yeah...I found a Harvard Mom mug. I know she'll love it. I also bought a few cute things for me. Hahaha. I'm so bad with money. I'm gonna be so broke when I get home, but that's ok. I don't need anything anyways. I should have bought Skyler a gift, but oh well...I just want to hang out and have fun with him. I miss him a whole bunch. He's the best.

Um...nothing new exciting happening right now. We're hanging out and listening to Christmas tunes. Yeah.

Blah...SOULMATE withdrawel. I will now shut up! 
¶ 6:56 PM |

  You know what? I hate mood swings. I cannot decide what I'm thinking what moment to the next. Maybe because I'm so tired as I'm writing this right now. My brain is turned off for the rest of the day. I took my History of Jazz final and that's all that matters. My head hurts too much. I talked to my SOULMATE today...but guess what, he mentioned the gf and well...I guess he will never lose her for me. I guess...I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm probably going to get hurt from all this like stuff. Guys = Hurt. It's a very simple truth that all girls should know...it really sucks. I think that all men are programmed with some horny gene that makes them irresisitable to us, and then they have girlfriends, but still flirt with you and you feel unltra horrible about your life, because you know that you've met your soulmate...but of course, they are already with their own soulmate, and they aren't gonna drop them for you. Even if they say sweet things and hold hands and flirt with you. Whatever...I'm probably going to change my mind soon anyways. This is so dumb. I want a boyfriend, I say I don't need one...but fuck that shit. I'm a fucking loony toon. Aarrrggg...blah! 
¶ 10:26 PM |

  Okay, whenever I run into the HOTTIE on my way out of the building to meet another guy - there will be no clickage at all. Last night, on my way out to meet up with the foxy ska boy - there I was waiting to cross the street and I look across the street and there he is (imagine little flashy golden lights all around)! Blah...yeah, so the date with mr. foxy ska boy didn't go too well. He was a little late, I was a little cold sitting there at the MFA for 25 minutes. There was also an art opening that night, and there I was dressed as my bum self waiting for this guy. He finally showed and looked so ska that I almost cried. *sighs*

He was wearing plaid pants with zippers, white button down shirt, and a tie! Yes, it was a turn-on. He's really cute and nice. We actually walked past Wentworth on our way to find entertainment...why the hell did he have me meet him there if he had no clue where to go. *sighs* Boys! Blah!

Yeah, so we end up coming back to my dorm. I introduce him to Kate. We talk and I am bored, bored, and more bored. I really think he was cute. But there was nothing there. Boy, I sure know how to pick them. Oh, well.

I wish my SOULMATE would consider me his soulmate as well. Maybe he'll have a realization that I am his one and only. I'm gonna be crashing at his dorm when I come back on tehe 18th of January, which will be really nice. It's posivtively exciting. I cannot spell. I cannot wait. I wish I could have him. Maybe a miracle could happen. Okay, I have to finish my paper. Blah...college!  
¶ 10:37 AM |

  Ok, a real post this time. My life is been filled with so many great things lately. It's amazing how your life can start looking up when people compliment you and cute boys from Wentworth bring happiness in your life and bike over at 10:30 at night just for a little two hour visit. I'm glad that he doesn' t know the address to this site...hahaha. He has a girlfriend, it's unfortunate because I really think that I've found my soulmate with him. I know that sounds really cheesy, but he's the first guy that I haven't been ashamed of in public. Like, we were holding hands - in a friendly way - and I was really happy and glad that we were doing that in public.

News Flash, this just in: Kate is addicted to cheese-flavored chips of all sorts. YUM!

Ok, back to the Wentworth boy...I know that it's wrong that I like him, but I know he likes me back. I feel bad about his girlfriend though, she's so beautiful and he tells me that his heart belongs to her, but I wish that I could steal him away. That's so bad...but if I feel this strongly about him, is it that wrong.

I would love to paint your nails Shane.

Ok, I went to the Bosstones/Catch 22 show last night with this guy from BU. No clickage. I'm harsh I know, but he wasn't my type. I'm glad that I went to the show though. Catch played all their songs too fast and I couldn't sing along. However, I did meet this fine foxy guy there...and I gave him a note...and he IMed me last night, and know I'm on my way to go see him. It's kinda funny. I've become a real sex goddess lately. However, he did go to Wentworth for a year...hahaha, the only men that I attract go to Wentworth...I'm destined to marry a complete computer nerd, though I really want a punk boyfriend. *sighs*

I think my Soulmate would let my paint his nails...he's weird like that.

Um, yeah...I have to study for finals now. I will do good on my exam. I will do good on my exam. I will do good on my exam. Wait, I will do well on my exam. I will do well on my exam. I will do well on my exam...please pray for me. I really need it...I haven't studied one iota...I suck.

Oh, I met a guy from Dallas...we're gonna hang out when I get home. He will not be my soulmate...maybe I'm bias. I don't know. I will write more later.

I saw the HOTTIE and P.H. the other day. They both looked good. P.H. is really cute and he wears cute little hats and he likes to cuddle (so i've heard) and he writes poetry...mad wicked awesome poetry. *sighs* I will stop now....I will stop. 
¶ 6:18 PM |

  Yeah, I added a cool new button to my page. Click it, it brings you to the coolest page ever. I really love it. I hope I can be part of their little community of people, considering I really love punk rock boys. I really do, but this isn't a real shrine to them, but more or less a shrine to all the punk rock boys of Boston. They all go to my college. 
¶ 5:13 PM |

  Pears are the most underrated fruits. I think they are my favorite fruit. It use to be apples, but I think that it has morphed to pears. I am a pear shaped pear shaped person...so maybe this is the reason. I am trying to update this everyday...and pears are on my mind. I don' t like oranges...they are my least favorite fruit. I don't like them as much. I like grapes a lot. They don't have grapes in the Dining Hall at my college. They don' t have enough fruit period.

Today all my friends and I had Christmas. It was so much fun. I got these cool bracelets and this cute little lady bug wind up toy. I hope that I spelled that right. I am too lazy to look. I made really cool notebooks for my friends. I guess they liked them. I think they do. I can't wait to go home for Christmas. There are a lot of CDs I want. I want the Ramones, SLC Punk sdtrk, Fight Club sdtrk, Requiem for a Dream sdtrk, and about a bazillion others I can't think of that I have posted up in my dorm room upstairs. I am in my second home. Kate and Meg's room. These guys are the fucking best.

I saw the HOTTIE today. We went down to the basement to the vending machines...and *sighs*...HOTTIE was there. He was wearing a blue shirt. I didn't even now he did his laundry. He is the sexiest man the planet. I want to jump his bones. I want a punk boyfriend that will let my paint his nails. I want one...NOW! Right now, I am in no mood to really think. The room I am in is irritanting me greatly. Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY great day. I can't say why. Today may be the last day I see my HOTTIE...this depresses me. I need a boyfriend. How do I get one? Mailorder...perhaps. 
¶ 12:48 AM |

  Hey, the last entry was written really fast. Please ignore all the misspellings...hahaha. I should really use spell check. Well, duh! 
¶ 11:57 PM |

  Oh, yes...I finished my jazz paper today right at the last moment. Lucky for me that I have the greatest fucking friends in the whole fucking planet. I like to say fuck. Fuck yeah. And fuck you. You too, fucker. Ok, back to business...yeah, so lately I've been down at the grind or grinding or being a grindster...this is not sexual innuendo. Hahaha. Yeah, so today I was walking back home from class to work on my piece of shit paper. It sucks major ass...I cuss a lot more when I am supposed to being doing work, but instead am posting stupid entires on a blog that no one ever fucking reads except me. This saddens me, because I think that everyone wants to be loved, especially me. If you haven't already checked out www.makeoutclub.com...you should. It's for us hipsters...and if you aren't a fucking hipster. Get away with me and stop trying to put your tongue down my throat...I don't appreciate that. I ruin people's lives. At least, the people I meet more than once. I think I should have a warning sticker on my back, that says, "Caution: This Girl May Ruin Your Life, Please Don't Hate Her As You Have Been Warned Beforehand." I hate that people hate me, because they never give me a chance to explain my side of the story. They just go on hating me anyway like a the pussies they are. Why is this post so rauchy? Yes, that's me...I'm a dirty little girl. Hahaha. Yeah, so anyways...I'm walking down the street back to my dorm and I see him...yes, the HOTTIE...and I actually stop and watch him walk through the Garden. That is really sad. I think that I've hit an all time low. I really still like the HOTTIE...I'm not sure why. I really can't explain it to anyone that keeps asking me why I spend so much time on him. Maybe because I'm a fucking stupid person. I guess, that could be it. Maybe I am.

I like to IM guys that I see on online clubs...and send them my pics and have them say I'm cute. I have low self-esteem. This makes me feel so much better. I am insane. I really am. There is no answer for this kind of behavior. Is there a cure for a starry eyed girl that loves punk rock boys? Probably not...well, darn for me then. Oh, well...night and anon. I love you Laura. I'm glad that your toe is better. ;-) 
¶ 11:54 PM |

  Oh, yes...the BIG cram...papers time buddies...and let me tell you that it sux big time. See ya...and who knows when that will be. 
¶ 6:12 PM |

  This is how I am feeling. Yes, my life has gone down the crapper:

You feel the love
You feel the past
It's all the things you thought you had

Oh, I woke up in hell today
I woke up depressed and drained
But that's ok cause
I promised not to hurt you again
Apparantly I'm to blame
But apparantly I've been framed
My memory that won't help me
When it's happening

Out of mind
Out of soul
Out of light
Out of control

Standing in the middle of yesterday
When it all went wrong
And we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
And it will be ok

Oh, I promised you I would change
I'm an asshole, and I'm ashamed
And I'm upset 'cause I betrayed
Everything that you gave
Will you ever let me explain?
Can I beg you to let me stay?
Don't quit me cause
I'll never let this happen

Out of mind
Out of soul
Out of the mind
Of of control

Standing in the middle of yesterday
When it all went wrong
And we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
And it will be ok

You feel the love
You feel the past
It's all the things you thought you had

You feel the love
You feel the past
It's all the things you thought you had

Standing in the middle of yesterday
When it all went wrong
And we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
And it will be ok

Standing in the middle of yesterday
When it all went wrong
And we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
And it will be ok

We'll make it up to you
Make it up to you
Make it up to you

-our lady peace "Middle of Yesterday" 
¶ 12:49 PM |

  This is an old post off my old blog...that never disappeared off the internet. Darn. Well, I really liked it. So here it is for your enjoyment. Have fun!

so when's the carriage gonna turn into a pumpkin? it's kinda hard living life wondering when it's all gonna turn to shit again...i'm out enjoying it while it lasts...

How can one stand it...being so punk...and not giving a shit about pretty girls on the 7th floor. I hate him and his punk ways. He dyed his hair and it's all gone to hell. I must wonder through a wonderless world of hidden passions and fruits of passion that one cannot take a bite out of ever...because one's lips are too sealed to enjoy the kiss. Hiding behind emo coverlets not letting the world into your site. Taking the hand of one that is not right and letting them squeeze the blood and soul right out of your every move. Please come back and hold my hand and wrap those bike mechanic arms around me once more and smile and nod and say eh. I loved when you talked to me and told me about how you love animals and that you were becoming vegan...eggs are disgusting...i agreed, but i still eat them and then i think of you and think better of it. i remember the argyle sock dreams that invaded my every waking moment and flooded me with the heat of a thousand radiators that rattle inside my dorm room waking up the bitchy roommate and sheltering one into a hazy fog that is only convering what she knows that she cannot have and what she wants the most. does it ever make sense when you lay your trust with someone and they throw shit back into your face for nothing. i cannot decribe how it felt...how it felt to be sad...how it felt not to talk to you...not to for you to say hello and not hi...for you not to wear your hat...and know it was me when i imed you at night...late. i remember it clearly like yesterday when you emailed me and told me thank you and you won me over with that one note and clung forever to it. to record it like our first kiss...that never really existed. i wish you were still mine...but know it's fucked and i'm half dead.
 
¶ 6:32 PM |

  I saw this cute guy walking down the street today. He was all buddled up because it's finally getting cold in Boston. Then when I looked closer it was the Hottie. Hahaha. I mean, that's pretty damn funny. I've never seen him wear a hat before. I really should stop liking him.

I think all things are called off with Jon. See, not that anyone reads this...but that bottom post is about him...well, one of them at least. He did come on Sunday to come visit me and my friends. But I found all these terrible horrible things about him. I mean, all the boy does is smoke pot and cigarettes and watch cartoons and work on his punktronica album and slam poems. I mean, I don't really like slam poetry. It's not about real emotions like real poetry...it's about evoking emotions out of others and showing off your "rapping" type skills. Personally, I'm a real poet. I'm not here to make anyone else happy but my fucking self. I hate this. I hate procrastination. I hate looking cute and not being able to attract any of the male species at my OWN fucking college. I mean, what's up with that? Will I ever have a punk boyfriend of my own. Probably not.

Ok, new boy criteria here: Must be sensitive, must be cuddly, must be outgoing, sense of humor, must know great beat poets, earrings are a plus, nipples rings are a huge plus, nose ring - optional, wacky out of control hair - preferably brown or dyed blonde with brown roots, blue eyes, tall...6 foot is nice, must like ska, punk, smashing pumpkins, and weezer, must be a poet, must have one of those punk belts, must have at least one pair of converse chuck taylors, tattoo...maybe, adventurous, silly, very skinny, good kisser, will tuck me in at night and read me poetry by Ginsberg until i close my eyes, must compliment me, and take compliments...puhleeze nothing is less attractive than someone that will not believe that you think they're cute, ballroom dancer, musician...would be nice if they could play guitar (the ultimate phallic instrument) or trumpet, knows jazz...Dave Bobeck (sp)...nice *smiles*, is willing to be wrong, willing to learn new things, watch cuhrazy movies with me, and snuggling...and cuddling...and touching...i really like that a whole bunch...and playing with my hair.

ok, I decided that I might be MOD today. I'm not sure what MOD is...but I may be that. Maybe. I have no idea. I looked really cute in my two tone grey/black outfit today. With my cutie-pie short red hair. I really love my hair. I want to marry a fucking punk! Do punks get married?

Fuck yeah!

Night...and another FUCK for ya. Don't ask me what it means...i have no fucking clue. I really love to cuss. Aaarrr...I want to be a pirate. 
¶ 6:05 PM |

  Ok, here it is. Today I just got reminded of how great Our Lady Peace really is. Their sound is just so unique and myserious and melodic. They remind me a lot of Smashing Pumpkins. Who to this day will be my favorite band. For the people who are reading this and know how much I really appreciate the sound that is ska...well, that's true...I really do. Hell, I had ska withdrawel the other day. I need my wonderful happy tones to get me through the week. Without them I think I would just wither away in a sort of depression. I think that ska is great for what it does for my feelings and emotions. Literally, it gives me the happiest feeling in the world. But it's just not the same as listening to the Smashing Pumpkins, whose emotion is so powerful and moving. Well, the reason for this post has something to do with Our Lady Peace...so, I'll just cut the crap and will post this. Have fun and enjoy!

Boldly changing shape to go with the musical times, Canadian quartet Our Lady Peace has evolved from the power-guitar proto-grunge band that gave us "Starseed" in 1995 into an appealingly melodic emocore/alt-rock group with its third album. Many of the musical changes on Happpinessx Is Not a fish that You Can Catch are due to the band's vast growth in the songwriting and arranging department. While Raine Maida's quavering vocals, with their swoops into falsetto and hiccuping interval leaps, owe a bit too much to established brow-furrowers like Billy Corgan, Thom Yorke and Ed Kowalczyk, guitarist Mike Turner has shed his Nirvana chordings for a wide assortment of textures and tones that gives these 11 catchy songs the updraft needed to soar. And for the most part they do, especially "Blister," with its helium-heavenly chorus, "Waited," featuring an explosive elevating guitar break," and "Happiness & the Fish," whose thoughtful lyrics decode the album-title haiku.

By the way, the album title is so not a haiku! I hate people who can distinguish the different types of poetry.

Blah! 
¶ 4:45 PM |

  Hahaha...i just put a link down that isn't mine at all. This is kinda funny. I am not a 26 year old male. Oh, well! 
¶ 3:22 PM |

  Sometimes I feel so lost I don't know what I'm going to do or how I am going to live each day again and again and again. I don't really feel that great. Why do guys dominate my life? Why can't one thing make me happy? Why must I have everything? Why can't I just be content with the GREAT things that are always handed to me - I mean, I get this guy. He even came to visiting me yesterday, just to meet my friends. But is it wrong to think that I don't want to kiss a guy that does not want to be my boyfriend? Why waste kisses on someone that might just throw you away once the next best thing comes along!? I can't stand not having a boyfriend. It was so nice to be touched again. To feel wanted. It's been awhile, at least since July since I've felt this good. I am so happy. But things are going to go quickly down the toilet. I know they will. I'm that lucky.

Since he has no plans in actually being my bf. I've started looking at other guys again. I mean, there are tons of fish out there in the sea. There's a cute guy in my jazz class that I sorta like. I mean, I want to have other options. I don't want to mess around with the first person who likes me. It's always some huge computer nerd or something. I mean, I have no problems with computer nerds, but that's all I get. Also, they always seem to be bisexual or something. I think I have the power to turn gay males straight and straight males gay. Trust me...it's happened. I really want a cute emo punk boy. I was watching them outside the LB window today at lunch. There is this one that is so brillantly cute. I like him a lot. Why do all the cute boys smoke? It's really not fair. Ok, I'm tired. I fell asleep in class today. Naughty me. Whatever. See ya. 
¶ 3:20 PM |

  Horoscopes scare me...sometimes they are just too damn accurate...this is mine:

You're riding a wave of success, and that cutie's phone number is making it even better. DON'T get up and call right away, though. You don't want to scare him or her off. And please, take the enthusiasm down a notch before you pick up the phone.

Hahahahahaha...how frightening is that? How do they know? They are following me. My mom did hire a spy. Wonderful. 
¶ 11:32 PM |

  Oh my God...I can't believe how incredible last night's date went...I mean, it was with a guy I met through the internet. We met at a very neutral place at Quincy Market...which I had to ask 3 people exactly how to get there. I knew it was him right away, because he was wearing his plaid hat. But the first thing I thought we he spoke to me was, "Oh my God, he's gay." So, we talked at the coffee place for a little bit. Then it started to rain, so we went on a little walk. By then, we had decided how to spend the night. We were going to see a free play being performed at my school, and then see Monty Python and the Holy Grail at midnight near his dorm. We talked for like forever. We walked in like circles around the place and just talked...he talks a lot which was nice. Finally, we thought we better head down to my school, but when we got there we still had an hour to kill...so I took him to my dorm to show him off to my buddies...however, none of them were at home. So we just chilled in their room for like a half an hour and talked and we looked at pictures that I had left in the room. So, then we go to the One Woman Show...it was so cute. There were a lot of funny parts, but at intermission I asked if he needed to smoke...and he's like maybe I should. So we went out and we talked some more. By this time, I became pretty quiet. I was just thinking and such. He is so interesting. He had already told me how much he loves to cook. Then he told me he flies kites, and that he cuts hair. He can also read Tarot, which is so weird. What I was thinking now was that he was definately gay because there is no way that a boy like this exists anywhere. So, I get so excited when he told me he cuts hair b/c I've wanted my haircut so badly, but I haven't had the funds to go anywhere good. So I ask if he would cut my hair, and he's like yeah. He's like how do you want to cut it...and I'm like I have no idea. Then when I said that he pulled me over and looks at me and is like you would look so good with shoulder length hair. It was fantastic how he could tell.

Well, instead of going back to the show...which I kinda had enough of but really enjoyed what I had seen of it. He gave the suggestion of going to his dorm, which was totally cool. So, we take the T and go to his school. We meet all his friends and we chill in his room and such. We listen to music and he looks at me and is like I want to cut your hair now. I'm like ok. It was so frightening at first, because it fell like he was cutting so much of it off, which he was. Afterwards, it was completely fantastic. I love it so much. He said I looked so good with it like that. He didn't even use real hair dresser's scissors or anything...it was so much fun. So we talk some more and we lay on the bed together...it was so innocent, though he played with my hair and touched me, it wasn't really sexual though...well, maybe it was a little. It was cuddly. Well, as much fun as I was having just talking...it was almost time for Monty Python! YEAH!!! So, we go to the movie theater and guess what?...it's canceled...how sucky is that. Well, I would have been really comfortable just spending the night...but I didn't...he took the train ride home with me. It was so wonderful. I can't wait until we hang out some more. He gave me his phone number...gave me a hug and a kiss on the hand. It was so sweet.

Earlier in the date I knew he really wanted to kiss me...but I didn't let him. I really didn't know him, and I really have to feel comfortable in able to do that. I'm not sure why. I guess, I'm kinda inexperienced. Well, whatever...he's such a joy! :-) 
¶ 2:20 PM |