not all here

who am i?
if you have any answers, please tell me the big secret.
______________________________________________________

she has things to think about like milk shakes and raspberries, but she is too preoccupied with world lit. incompletes and sleeping too late. she can't even figure out enough about herself to know what her theme of a room would be. a diana theme. who knows? what is the one thing that could make her happy? what are the several things that could make her happy? she doesn't even have a clue.

she talked to an old friend today. it went really well and she liked her and she thought she never would. she thought what they had was missing or long gone. now she feels bad about being selfish and only thinking about her newest friends and her writing and her boyfriend and college. not in that order. obviously.

she is only writing in third person because she doesn't know who she wants to be anymore. she is just diana. why do so many people become surprised when they meet her? has she changed that much over the years? no one recognizes her knees and dresses and new purses.

diana writes erotica in her dreams and shows it to people. she likes her breasts and touching herself. is this wrong? she's confused.

diana likes kids pbs cartoons and hiding under the blankets and speaking to cats she meets on long walks. she has a small collection of items she has found on the sidewalk, lives in photobooths and has fallen in love with polaroid film.

she misses boston for all the wrong reasons. mostly the burrito cart, but i guess her boyfriend too.

she speaks naughty to men online and doesn't feel bad. she was always a flirt, but loves her boyfriend more than anyone in the milky way. you couldn't pay her to give him up.

she can't sleep at night.
she feels like she doesn't know who she is.
she feels old.

and most of all she feels like a child. 
¶ 4:44 AM |

  i am always looking up for answers

i thought i would never see stars again, except last night everything cleared away and there was a new moon and tiny specks in the sky. i wanted to be holding his hand instead of being yanked by a dog on a leash. no matter, it was beautiful.

you can't take polaroids of the moon. it comes out like a tiny white dot.

the clouds were teasing me, hiding away in the blue blueness of the ever expanding sky, but they too returned and it was nice to say hello after their absense.

polaroids of clouds look like soft cotton spaceships.

it's been three days without medication and i'm losing my health insurance and there needs to be a change in dosage and my doctor picks now for a vacation. so i had to refill for just a regular dosage and now we'll see what happens.

sometimes i forget what an orgasm feels like and how it spreads throughout my thighs and slowly up my spine. then everything goes away and i think of fingers and lips that aren't here.

for once, i don't want to learn how to play an instrument. i'm content being a groupie. everyone needs a good groupie. i'm not trying to make anything better than anyone else, and if i were, it would be in writing because i hate almost everything i read. my mom said to me, "maybe you are too good of a writer and you should dumb it down a bit." ha! i'm just a pretentious bastard. yes.

i don't feel like writing in an order that makes sense to the common person.

i can't stop listening to bright eyes, but i have to listen to pink floyd before my boyfriend disowns me and i have to move my geisha ass to a new boy. i think i would lie before that happened.

i used to update everyday and have lots of readers and than i started only writing about things in the past. well, i'm trying to move on and you see what happens? there is nothing to write.

it feel through. no apartment. one more year living alone in a crowded brownstone dormitory within walking distance to my boyfriend's apartment in beacon hill. i'm glad that one of us is going to be happy. kitty or no kitty.

i need a new umbrella and there needs to some rain. 
¶ 2:38 AM |

  good cause

my friends nikki and lee have both been going through a rough time. their wonderful bunny, aji, has a parasite that is costing them a bundle in medical bills. not to mention, they just suffered the loss of their bunny, moog, just a few weeks ago. please help them in any way you can. nikki has tons of goodies for sale on there, including scarves, cds and dvds.

 
¶ 5:05 PM |

  nobody's little weasel

i have a lot of quirky and kinky fantasies saved up in my head. some i've lost since i've had a boyfriend, and others have been checked off the list. but as a lonely, ugly duckling in high school i thought the only way that i would lose my virginity was to be raped. such an ugly thought. i couldn't believe that any respectable person could or would imagine such a scenario, but i got hot just thinking about being taken by surprise by some 20 year old drug addict.

obviously, no one should feel that their only possibilities to get laid are with prostitutes and rapists. i certainly don't condone the act, but i did fantasize about it. i've always liked the idea of being dominated or tied down to the bed. i like the idea of surprise and not knowing.

i'm not sure what made me think of this just now. diana's desperate times in high school. it still makes me cry to remember how rejected i was, even if it was all in my head.
_______________________________________________________

today i relived last summer by running into old friends at the library. everyone said to me, "oh, you look so grown up?" and "you look so good." and they were surprised by my dress and kitten heels and longish hair and that i finally had a boyfriend.

i've really grown out of the awkwardness i used to feel all the time. i'm starting to realize that i can't please everyone and that not everyone is going to want to listen to me.

i know i'm a strange one. i embrace it. it doesn't mean it's not still not hard sometimes. i can't control who i am and who i want to be.

i'm starting to really think seriously about modeling for either eroticbpm, that strage girl or spiceplay. maybe it's just a silly fantasy, and it's less about getting attention than doing this for me. i just love the way i feel when i show people in that vulnerable state. i know that the comments are split and i've been called some really negative names and feedback. even if i don't decide to publicly become involved with alternative porn, i'm sure i'll be taking pictures and posting them somewhere on my own.

it gets me wet. 
¶ 5:08 AM |

  considering a bath at 2am

i haven't been in the mood for anything lately. it could just be the montly blues that will wash away in a few days or maybe i need to up the dosage on my lexapro. i can't decide. i'm aching for boston and vegetarian chili dogs. there's something that really makes me feel at home when i eat at Sonic and my sister and i gross each other out with multiple colored tongues from icy slush drinks.

it hasn't felt like summer for a long time.

i'm starting to realize that i don't know how to say no, and that i'm terrible at making decisions because i hate hurting anyone's feelings. i'm going to have to get over that or end up with slashed wrists in the bathtub. not really. just imaginary mascara running down my cheeks.

i just want everyone to know that i'm alive. i'm okay. and that summer is just starting to feel like summer despite cloudless skies and soaring tempatures. at least i have escaped (almost) with just one bad sunburn around my shoulders.

i'm breaking out again. again! i don't think my body likes me being confident. it's like, "hey, you are ugly. you know it." then i stick some noxzema on my face and everything is okay for another month. please let's not talk doctors, it only confirms the fact that i'm not perfect. and i already know that.

the best part about last week was that i sent out 7 letters and packages in the mail. they should be coming soon to a mailbox near you. i think that's my favorite part of the ebay experience. the part where the mail is on your front step and you are beaming because you care more about the fact you got mail than what is actually inside. or maybe that's just me.

my computer is on mute. that suggests insanity.

everyone is asleep. the people that matter. the adults. the pets. my sister and i are awake but apart and i'm wondering if she'll let me sleep at the foot of her bed. i doubt it.

i want a new nightgown.
i want a lomo actionsampler.
i need a haircut!

i'm going to take a bath and than snuggle with my oswald plush toy. i can smell your jealousy. 
¶ 3:21 AM |

  the big headache

it started off as a small idea. something someone comes up with on a bike ride by themselves or maybe in the shower. one of those light bulb ideas that might turn into something later. it was like the first line of a poem or the second sentence of a short story. i never knew it would consume me. swallow my every thought and fight fight fight to be won.

well, it took me awhile to even give in to the idea. the concept. the "what ifs" were pretty huge, not to mention serious and perhaps life damaging. but i shrugged my shoulders and said, "eh, why not?"

i could share an apartment with my boyfriend.

but now every conversation is about it. will my mother agree? do i agree? well, mom doesn't make up my mind anymore and i've finally made up my own. the only glitch other than getting over the nervousness of a new situation is: MOM HAS TO PAY.

emerson college has stolen my funds and there is nothing left.

but after today, the last straw. my mother and i with raised voices came to a conclusion. which is yes.

one big fucking yes.

i say it every school year, but i think this is going to be a good one. the best one. i owe my mom a report of A's and a place on the Dean's List. even if i have to hire my boyfriend to help me do it. 
¶ 2:43 AM |

  my favorite dirty things

i've been to four different bookstores in the last three days. i haven't left a single one empty handed. some of my purchases:

Books:

The Color Purple -- Alice Walker

Alice Walker: Critical Perspectives Past and Present -- edited by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and K.A. Appiah

Kafka was the Rage: A Greenwich Village Memoir -- Anatole Broyard

House of the Scorpion -- Nancy Farmer

Stargirl -- Jerry Spinelli

Weetzie Bat -- Francesca Lia Block

Spinsters -- Pagan Kennedy

Goodbye Tsugumi -- Banana Yoshimoto

CDs:

The Ugly Organ -- Cursive

Midnight at the Black Nail Polish Factory -- The Deathray Davies

Books Read This Summer:

 
¶ 2:40 AM |

  nothing to say

do you have an urge to link me?


the other night i had an impulse to write something meaningful. instead i listened to belle & sebastian and made banana pudding.

i've been busy searching the internet for new interesting things and have found a great website to share with you. well, if you like naked girls that is. it's called spiceplay. look into it.

if you want to read some of my fiction i've been fairly obsessed with sharing them with the public on this site.

i finally bought a garter belt in black.



now i have nothing to say. i'm sorry. 
¶ 1:58 AM |

  this is mostly about clouds

the sky is taunting me with its clouds again. another fucking wonderful day in desoto. why can't the clouds be like this when i have polaroid film? can one be a professional photographer of clouds? i bet they never complain and they are great at modeling. oh, those soft shapes colliding with one another. very friendly. although, tempermental if the temperature drops or there's too much moisture in the air.

enough about clouds.

the pictures have come back from the photo place, and i swear it's hardly just clouds and shots of my feet. the one picture i wish i had never taken was the one at dachau. i'm glad i wasn't merrily snapping pictures of the camps, and aimed at the place with the biggest cloud right over the museum part of it. even if the camps are replicas the place is just sad. even the clouds are longer and leaner there.

every second i spend outside i'm glancing at the sky. i think i better take a hot air balloon and make a run for it. boston or bust! i can't be bothered with this trivial attempts of this small town life. i haven't had thai iced tea in so long that i've started imagining it in my dreams. i miss warm hands under my skirt, and holding greasy poles on the subway. i'm trying not to be stressed out and i'm remembering to take that tiny pill everyday. that one that saves my sanity.

i can't think in straight lines. i'm all over the place. i have always been this way. my mother is unreachable these days when i need to talk to her about something important she is never around. go figure. i need to here only one yes. one, you can do it. and then the summer will fly by. i can't believe not having a job could be this dull. where is my vacation? where is my fun?

oh, right. i used it up already. 
¶ 6:44 PM |

  my mind is everywhere

i still can't believe that just a week ago i was in a different continent, and i'm not ready to talk about it yet. i keep thinking i'm going to disappoint people. what i notice no one else cares about.

like:

clouds

euro dollars

gnomes

shopping!

dogs and cats

the difference between america and europe

i don't care for history, even if i was there for that exact reason. i went to museums and walked past historic clocks and bridges and castles. but everyone does that. anyone can do that. the only thing that i worried about was the next time i could call david. hearing his voice is what got me through that trip.

i was re-reading some haikus written almost a year ago, and i'm so different. when will i stop changing?

saturdays for me
watch the world through my window
there is nothing real

i just ate a taco and now i'm going to eat frosted flakes. i like live backwards. i'm still stuck on The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler.

i think i would like to meet some new people. i'm craving mail. i miss the wet streets of boston and the flowers in the garden. the construction site that's around Washington and his horse in the garden when all the tourists are out of town. those bits of slush that find themselves in your shoe. soaking socks and open umbrellas. the smell of musty basements and cobwebbed laundry machines. the walk up charles street to the mgh/charles T stop and most importantly, the walk back late at night and stopping at the 7-11 and talking about joints i've never smoked.

i'm ready to go home. and dammit, i just missed Blue's Clues and Love Day!

 
¶ 11:51 AM |

  nudity and comics: is there anything better?


white ninja comics.

found in the hulton archive at getty images. 
¶ 11:28 PM |

  she used to know more/than just five seven five lines/but they ate her brain

the end of July
one less summer day right here
watching the clouds swim

remember summer
full of diving boards and boys
and my bloody nose

buckle shoes and skirts
down at the bowling alley
sipping orange crush

electronic fan
throws numbered pages across
the old leather chair

soft under my shoe
small snail shells and hermit crabs
don't you feel guilty?

i wrote these while on vacation. more are here. 
¶ 3:10 PM |

  not that anyone is perfect





(taken summer 2003)

i've always liked these pictures, but i've been scared to show them.

it's true, i'm full of flaws.

i have a problem with acne, my thighs are a bit round and i have undereye circles. no one is perfect.

have you ever noticed the faces under the great hair and make-up of your favorite actors and actresses? sometimes when i really take the time to examine the famous, i'm often disappointed. not everyone is fake, but there are very few true beauties.

in high school, i was often frustrated and confused. when i looked in the mirror i saw someone that was beautiful, but when boys saw me they saw a very plain girl. by no means, have i ever thought i was ugly or believed anyone who has told me so. even when countless people would come up to me and say, "have you ever thought about going to the dermatologist?" i cried, but i refused to let them get to me.

i was happy and i never thought of acne as something that was permanent or needed to be fixed. finally, after tons of pressure i went to a doctor who made things much worse for me. i became judgemental of every face i saw. i never used to be that way.

i saw beauty in rocks.

i still do, i just had to overcome that small part of me that the mainstream labels as ugly. i can't help breaking out. it's not like i sit there in a tub of Lays potato chips and Hershey's choclate milk every night. i get stressed out and i don't sleep well for a week and i'm haunted.

and once people start saying things like that to me, i started believing them. i started to think, "i guess i was never beautiful. i am ugly."

i'm lucky to say that when i look in the mirror now, i see the beautiful girl that i always thought i was, but i still cry when i think about how i have been treated. (and sometimes still am.) 
¶ 10:41 AM |

  i have a lot more to say than i thought i did

i haven't been able to breath properly for the past three days. i've been full of sneezes and sore throats and the ability to lie very still on the couch with a fan pointing at my toes. i slept through the fireworks. although, i got a reasonable facsimile of the ones in boston from criminal mastermind, Paper Cut. he is also known by the name of david and boyfriendface.


________________________________________________

germany, oh germany!

all over europe is H&M. the best bit is that they still have some of the clothes that they stopped selling in the boston store. so now i'm nicely stocked up.

-pink and blue polka dot dress
-blue waitress dress
-green halter dress
-bright green bra
-pink knee high socks
-grey, pink and blue stripey skirt
-pink and black stripey shirt
-fishnet stay-up stockings
-seamed stockings made for suspenders
-one white lacey type purse
-one corduroy black purse with flowers

i have a very kind mother.
_________________________________________________

there are other things i want to write about like visiting the concentration camp Dachau, and how i couldn't believe that everyone was walking around eating salami sandwiches. it seemed so ironic. i spent over three hours there just looking around. i'm really not sure if having a concentration camp open to the public is a good idea. it shouldn't be a tourist trip! it felt very wrong to me like i shouldn't have been in there.

i'm very glad i went though, and wished i could have gone to more places like this to see how they made me feel. probably very bad on the nerves.
_________________________________________________

the clouds in germany are something i've never seen before. so low to the ground and solid looking and fast moving. i felt like i could have flown there and taken afternoon naps on their soft cottony folds. although, i hear to rent a bed is pretty high. (haha) also, the euro! i love the euro dollar.

but to send mail is too expensive. 1 euro to send a postcard to the states.

i spent time in Bavaria, drove around Switzerland, shopped in France and skipped over Austria. i can't believe how accessible everything seems to be there. also, walking through town you can buy the best pastries.

i had no problem being vegetarian there. i just avoid the wurst. heh.
_________________________________________________

but now i'm in dallas again with no air conditioning. there's a cat sitting on the right side of me cleaning her tail. i ordered pizza last night for dinner and i'm realizing that i like almost anywhere more than i like texas.

p.s. WAL-GREENS SOLD ME EXPIRED POLAROID FILM AND I WILL GET THEM BACK! by never shopping there again, i guess. or sending my giant crab ROBO after them. i can't decide. 
¶ 7:57 AM |