Thursday, July 22, 2004
nobody's little weasel
i have a lot of quirky and kinky fantasies saved up in my head. some i've lost since i've had a boyfriend, and others have been checked off the list. but as a lonely, ugly duckling in high school i thought the only way that i would lose my virginity was to be raped. such an ugly thought. i couldn't believe that any respectable person could or would imagine such a scenario, but i got hot just thinking about being taken by surprise by some 20 year old drug addict.
obviously, no one should feel that their only possibilities to get laid are with prostitutes and rapists. i certainly don't condone the act, but i did fantasize about it. i've always liked the idea of being dominated or tied down to the bed. i like the idea of surprise and not knowing.
i'm not sure what made me think of this just now. diana's desperate times in high school. it still makes me cry to remember how rejected i was, even if it was all in my head.
_______________________________________________________
today i relived last summer by running into old friends at the library. everyone said to me, "oh, you look so grown up?" and "you look so good." and they were surprised by my dress and kitten heels and longish hair and that i finally had a boyfriend.
i've really grown out of the awkwardness i used to feel all the time. i'm starting to realize that i can't please everyone and that not everyone is going to want to listen to me.
i know i'm a strange one. i embrace it. it doesn't mean it's not still not hard sometimes. i can't control who i am and who i want to be.
i'm starting to really think seriously about modeling for either eroticbpm, that strage girl or spiceplay. maybe it's just a silly fantasy, and it's less about getting attention than doing this for me. i just love the way i feel when i show people in that vulnerable state. i know that the comments are split and i've been called some really negative names and feedback. even if i don't decide to publicly become involved with alternative porn, i'm sure i'll be taking pictures and posting them somewhere on my own.
it gets me wet.
¶ 5:08 AM
|
i have a lot of quirky and kinky fantasies saved up in my head. some i've lost since i've had a boyfriend, and others have been checked off the list. but as a lonely, ugly duckling in high school i thought the only way that i would lose my virginity was to be raped. such an ugly thought. i couldn't believe that any respectable person could or would imagine such a scenario, but i got hot just thinking about being taken by surprise by some 20 year old drug addict.
obviously, no one should feel that their only possibilities to get laid are with prostitutes and rapists. i certainly don't condone the act, but i did fantasize about it. i've always liked the idea of being dominated or tied down to the bed. i like the idea of surprise and not knowing.
i'm not sure what made me think of this just now. diana's desperate times in high school. it still makes me cry to remember how rejected i was, even if it was all in my head.
_______________________________________________________
today i relived last summer by running into old friends at the library. everyone said to me, "oh, you look so grown up?" and "you look so good." and they were surprised by my dress and kitten heels and longish hair and that i finally had a boyfriend.
i've really grown out of the awkwardness i used to feel all the time. i'm starting to realize that i can't please everyone and that not everyone is going to want to listen to me.
i know i'm a strange one. i embrace it. it doesn't mean it's not still not hard sometimes. i can't control who i am and who i want to be.
i'm starting to really think seriously about modeling for either eroticbpm, that strage girl or spiceplay. maybe it's just a silly fantasy, and it's less about getting attention than doing this for me. i just love the way i feel when i show people in that vulnerable state. i know that the comments are split and i've been called some really negative names and feedback. even if i don't decide to publicly become involved with alternative porn, i'm sure i'll be taking pictures and posting them somewhere on my own.
it gets me wet.
¶ 5:08 AM
|
