The Hipster Brigade
recommended comfort food - bbq fritos, you know the twisty kind. smelled meat today and almost threw up. looks like i threw another thing out the window. vanilla coke not doing it's job. caffiene is such a joke. placebo makes the world go round. brian molko i'd like to take for a spin. smiled at short boy on way home - big smile - he grins back, says hello and stares. score. another blonde boy that goes by the myth. a funny man is worth his weight in cheese curls or perhaps Planter's cheez ballz. haven't had those in ages. big tub canister nessled into between my thighs zoning out with a good book and listening to "holiday (with zack)" on repeat in my head. hurry make the cd before i forget the words. see all friends become famous while i get offered ice cream outside the arlington street utilitarian street church. i accept it because there is nothing better than free ice cream. getting the hummingbird tattoo on lower back on left right next to birthmark. it looks like i was born with it. i smile and its been years. apostrophes become passe and we break all the grammar rules and everyone begins speaking in japanese but i forget what everything means and i'm confused - as always. i cry. i sping. you take a big leap from the mountain top and i don't miss you one bit. i fall after you. highlander.
fraudian slip finally ending that relationship and i lose everything. streets of boston cluttered with old emerson students making love in the common. close my eyes and pinch my forearm - it disappears and wake up late for class, still alone. shower burning tender feet. red roses turn cheeks of white to plum. i am the ice queen to your people-hating image. we get along. we tell no one.
battling robots in silence is easier than battling robots in numbers of three. you are my cowboy and i'm still your kitten. no more adventures because cowboys are replaced with risk-takers and i've found one. we hate together. what is love?
...battle me, battle you...
music: New Born - Muse
here, let me wipe that smudge from your lips and as i lean in, you back away and i don't even get to graze your cheek and i can see the tears and i try and grab your shoulders and tell you it will be alright but as you try and hide away, your fingers graze mine and it's unspoken how you feel for me. there is always a time when things are unclear. the world is opaque and there's always a hint of something beneath the surface but i can't tell the difference between love like or hate. it all smears together in one incoherent splattered canvas. if only i could reach down and pick you up and let you know that this does not need to be anything more.
i don't kiss your toes. i kiss your hip. lipstick smudges your shirt tail. you smile. blue eyes dazzle. this is my fan fiction.
yes, i'm aware i named this entry fish. i am i am i am. i don't care.
how can one second change so fast? i'm on the train of life and it's like when you look out the windows and everything is flashing by and it's just blurs of color. then you angle your head a little differently and everything starts to look like normal again. then your jaw drops and there's the sadness creeping up on your back again. i'm not sure how to shrug it off. i'm not sure what triggers it. i just know that i'm getting tired of waiting for things to happen to me. that doesn't necessarily mean i want to go out and do things on my own. i just want one thing to make sense. ok, two things because i already feel like my life is getting into shape again. something something something fantastic is on the horizon waiting for it's chance to take me by surprise. it's blue, it's grey, it's pink and it will show me how to think again. i will never be the same. i have already changed so much.
i do not like fish. i do not like this. BUT i do. being a rock star is a hard job.
Late Night Thoughts
i dust the dirt off my jeans as i lean in for your kiss. the blood on my cheek, now on your lips. you hold me as i get up and tell me all will be alright. i cannot stop thinking about how in the future this could be something more. for now, a support group of two. slackers uniting for a central cause of a greater understanding. we hide behind veiled sentences and unexposed deeper meanings. i want to reach into you and grab out the inhibition and make it my own. i want to take all of you in because i never know when it will end. sudden exposure to intense feelings may cause outlandish thought crisis in the inner psyche. i like to blow things out of proportion. to me you are moon and the stars. twinkle in my eye to the stars in my heart. the bond that one feels for someone is always skewed with ambiguity. caring is always confused with liking. liking is not always love. love is not always love. love is black and falls through. love is unstable and doesn't exist in the present world. can there be such a thing as pure emotion? are we all too scared of ourselves to even expose our "guts" to someone else? i stopped caring when it began to hurt. i stopped loving when it turned to shit. i stopped moving when my legs felt weak. i slept because that's all i knew. and when i shut my eyes i knew that nothing could hurt me and that even nightmares never come true. i keep dreaming as my motivation. i keep dreaming as my goals are never a reality. i dream because that is what i know. my dreams change with time but they are always captured in the bubble that surrounds me like a wisp of weeping willow to my melancholy.
i listen to escape. your words tender kisses on my bruised soul. the hand that guides me to concern and to reason. i pretend to forgo your faults. faults reside in everyone and if one dwells too long we lose the good along with the bad. doesn't good outweigh the bad in the end? i have come to see the good becasue practicality calls for it.
to be carefree is to live a life of harmony. too much caring can lead to hurt and god forbid if i can handle that, especially now. dripping blood from split lips from the fights i start to stop the pain. no free love. no war. no pain. my mantra.
I'm not sure what's going on here, and I'm not sure that
I want to know.. Doesn't say much for me either. Yeah, I
like stuffed animals. Yeah, yellow's an okay color. What's
it to you? It's not like I have an inflatable banana or an
action figure Big Bird up my butt.. Er, you're not going to
check, are you?
Which Crazy Smashing Pumpkins Thing Are You?
A New World
I feel alive. people often have false starts and sometimes your day goes your way from step #1. you call facilities and they come and fix your light. ryan adams covers "wonderwall" by oasis. you cry when your best friend at the LB gets back together with her boyfriend. you feel nothing but ROW emotion. yes, row. i can't help but feel things are changing for the better. things are going my way for once. i don't feel like a prisoner in my own...er...dorm room. i feel like i can own the world if i want to. everything is at my fingertips and finally i'm dropping my BRADFORD status and coming to terms how much of a ROLLOCK PEL i really am. jeez, i love my new slang. not that any of you can understand it but it sure amuses me.
i feel i can make it for once. today, i was sitting in my ethics class and i was so excited to sitting there. i love philosophy. i love animal rights. it's just something i have always cared about and i feel that my becoming vegetarian finally has some sort of meeting. i just love understanding how the human psyche works. i love thinking about thinking and understanding. it blows my mind.
i hate when i feel in this good of a mood. it makes me wish all my days were stars so i could capture them on film and preserve them in a bottle for eternity.
Bonding not bondage.
Sometimes someone can make you feel special just by acting the right way. Things happen for a reason and I'm not sure if I believe in fate or if there is someone out there deciding things out there willy nilly or if anything matters and you decide your own future, but I do understand that things cannot always be explained. Life is not that easy. There isn't always someone to heap the blame on in times like this. We always take a job well done too personally. Let's become more humble.
I am in so in love with Ryan Adams
now it's ridiculous. It's funny how someone's music can be so moving, so beautiful, so utter fucking fantastic that you collapse in a puddle when you hear their voice. I haven't been moved with music like this in a long time.
I'm in like. awww. I'm pauled.
Old Aim Profile:
me: i feel sad all the time and today right this moment i feel unsad.
other person: hmmm...that should be in a song
one day holding hands
it's all unclear as to how
but i am certain
i feel the power of new words.
i've been meaning to start titles in here for a long time. no time better than the present i suppose. i just had the most excellent day in a long long time. i feel pretty happy and i know i have this work to do, but nothing could really bring me down right now. i need to do some research tonight so i don't look like a complete idiot when i go and talk to my professor tomorrow. sigh. i finally feel motivated to get off my ass and do things i start, finish things i begin.
yesterday was amazing. i went to boston college to hang out with ian. our plan: watch dvds. so, i get on the T and travel down there to see him. he meets me at the stop and we jump on the train that just oh so lovely misses his dorm, but it's ok because he give me the grand tour of boston college. the library he takes me into is the most beautiful piece of architecture i've ever seen. inside is some place i never want to leave. i am instantly in love with all the volumes. sigh...emerson's library is wimpy in comparision. it just makes me sad that we don't use our space as usefully as we should. we need a library like that...with lots of room to study and read and relax. i want to go back immediately.
so, it's raining buckets yesterday and that's most of the reason why we are sad we miss his stop. tons and tons of water pools on the sidewalk and basically, my wimpy converse are completely soaked. back in his room, beautiful. his view is of this cemetary - one of my favorite places. we just hang out and talk. he decides on the bus ride earlier that we are making ourselves dinner and that we must venture to the grocery store. i like this boy's adventurous side. i can't believe that he wants to go out and make his own dinner. one of the first things we do is that we make a grocery list, but the rain is still coming down and we're lazy and decide not to go and that cereal is in store for dinner...BUT...there is not enough milk. so, dining hall at BC it is, but i talk Ian into the grocery trip. amazing. shopping is fun. he won't let me pay or let me carry a darn thing. he's such a gentleman. also, we stop in for a luxury item at barnes and noble -- the hipster handbook. (update: he finishes it today and we decide we are coming up with our own two person language. yeah, we're deck.) we watch an insane amount of cartoons -- aqua teen hunger force -- and we watch both season 1 and season 2. he burns them for me. yeah, so soup...sorry...i'm so bad at the chronological order...haha...he basically, cooks it himself. i assist but not really. soup is good but probably not as good as we could have made it. i'm still really impressed that we did it ourselves. so he offers up to spend the night...i can't refuse such an offer from such a beautiful boy. i find out he wears contacts and has the cutest glasses. he sleeps in boxers and he looks nice shirtless...ow ow...and yeah, i sleep on the top bunk because his roommate is gone for the weekend and that there is not a thing to happen between us. you know, i like it that way. we are super fly friends but yeah, i like that. i like it how it is and i'm glad i met him. subways rule!
here i am again...2:10 am...i'm washing clothes in my sink. i think about how fragile i have become. how fragile you are my friend. how it scares me and how i sympathize with you. i see you and i hear you and i don't know what to do. of course, i am there for you. of course, i am there to listen. i want to be the shoulder you cry on. it's hard to be patient when i feel so HIGH HIGH HIGH off of something so small. something so delicate. something that can hurt so much. it's a curse between humans. if it's there, it's there. if it's not, can it be in the end. what's a harmless remark? what's a remark you value? can we go get coffee? can i ignore this. blah.
i am sorry to all those people out there. i am sorry that i cannot listen to the masses or even to my three closest friends. i've stopped putting an effort into friendship, so if you are still intersested, IM me. i am tired of hunting you out. my eyes are tearing and i am sleepy.
i want to have you right now. you must understand this. stop being stupid.
i am not lovesick. shut up! i just get lost in his eyes and words. i would not be heart broken if the feeling was not returned. ugh ugh ugh.
boys can be the slime for which we lick off the table. tonight things started flooding from my fingertips like never before. i think things will work out if i don't let too much get me down and i don't worry if this boy likes me or if that was such a brillant thing to say. we are all human. i want to get outta town this weekend. i want to rock out at a show. i want to be away. boston is making me miserable. i hate seeing the same things everyday. i feel like i'm in a rut. i can't even enjoy walking because i know everything so well. i just keep walking in this one big continual circle around boston and i'm really tired of it. i'm hoping for a trip up to boston college. i'm hoping to get my nails dirty. i'm hoping to sweat. bleed. die. not die. wake up and realize that this has all been a dream and i've already gradauted and i'm living alone in a house with 25 cats with the most beautiful guitar music playing in the background. trent reznor is my husband and he stopped dying his hair and it's long and grey and he sings these haunting songs to me. he talks about dying together. i believe every word he says. i cook him eggs. we live in an abandoned shack found in the back alley of a 7-11. no no, we live in michigan in a lake house. we own a boat but we don't like the water. we watch as things get smaller as we discover our boat is just a toy made of paper. it sinks like my life. i wake up this is all a dream. i'm still in school. why? because i never graduate and i'm working at mcdonald's and i start to eat meat all the time and gain 200 lbs and end up on jenny jones with those fat girls that dress too sexy. i start a new strip club for everyone on the show for me. i become rich. then i wake up and realize that i'm a famous poet. that everyone overestimates my talent and that i don't care. i still lines from everyone else but no one reads anymore so no one finds out. i die alone. i wake up and realize that i live with a lawyer. i die alone. i wake up and i have a dog and 2 kids and a white picket fence. i pinch myself and i bleed. none of this is making any sense. i turn the record player down and i hope that when i wake up from this dream that there will be something i recognize. i'm not in hong kong. i'm with my family. they are starting at my casket and my wrists are bleeding. i did it. i accomplished it. NO NO NO...this is not how it should be.
i wake up.
i'm a sophomore at emerson college. i am 21. i have a crush on a blue eyed boy that goes to boston college. i feel unsad and my hands are chapped from the cold. we ride the rails and we go on adventures together. he never tells me he likes me and i think i like it that way. i make him a cd. he likes it. all this over a T token. no way.
i don't understand couselors. i don't know what i'm suppose to say. i don't know how to resolve anything. i don't know what i want -- pure and simple. maybe i just need someone to listen to when i feel all "high maintenance and whiny." hah. my mom actually said that. how perfect. sigh. like mother like daughter i suppose.
i'm starting to realize i am not paranoid around boys anymore. i've also seem to overcome that fondness of ripping off the shirts and making out with all my guy friends. this is a great improvement. this has only been discovered in the last semester. i am making some sort of progress. i'm not even nervous around subway boy. i mean i'm careful but i'm still myself. yes, i must stop on the defense. i'm defensive about my passions and if someone is misinterpreting what i want them to understand. that's always frustrating, oh well. i don't think i write in full sentences anymore in here. i think this format and talking on aim has taken over my writing style. i really should write some cohesive things. oh well. i overuse that. heh.
i have this song stuck in my head: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by the The Flaming Lips. nikki or miss foo foo sang it to me over the phone. i can't even hear the guy's voice singing it because she sang it to me first. she is pretty amazing. i enjoy her guitar playing a lot. one day i'll do it too. i'm so impressed with her. sigh. (hah...it sounds like i'm developing a girl crush on her. maybe. maybe not.) i'm funny.
Aaarrrr...back to work, mateys or i'll make you walk the plank. you know, pirates never said that? that's so annoying that pirates have been misrepresented in the media. that's really fair at all is it? i'm becoming a lawyer for Blackbird after i graduate. do you think he lives in chicago?
sounds about right:
At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.
Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.
You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realize that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.
Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.
You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.
Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavoring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.
here i am listening to The Roots. it's on the ultimate of mix cds someone made for me. i have 10 more songs left and i'm not going to sleep till i'm done. so there. TAKE THAT you hostile bitch.
tonight was strange. i IMed an MOC boy who had graduated from emerson college. heh is further prooved the hipster's laugh online. i'm no hipster. hahahaha. i IMed a girl named Sabrina
. i found we have a bit in common. some people are amazing. why can't they live closer? i also went out with my friend, christopher, he's one of the most amazing people i know. there's really no one nicer than he is. i can't believe i have had the pleasure of meeting and being his friend. i'm really glad i got over that first impression. he worries me now though. i hope he will be ok.
i'm wearing the most ridiculous night uniform right now. random pajama pants with a men's button-down shirt. haha. i'm amused. i need a shower really badly. you would think that at a certain age you would stop breaking out but...uh...not in my case. i'm not sure what's happened to me lately but i meet the most amazing boy and suddenly all my fave wants to do is be finicky and show me how much it hates me. i mean, come on...not now. not now please. i'm 21 and i've had enough with it.
i'm a happy go lucky kind of girl. i'm starting to realize i'm not supposed to take life as seriously as i am taking it now. i'm really burned out on being sad, mad, bitter, cynical and all those other lovely adjectives that describe me perfectly. so i'm out of my funk. the music brought me out of the funk. let's get out of the funk. sorry, i have a thing for repetition. i'm not really sure if my entries make sense anymore.
i'm not feeling sad. this may be an improvement. maybe. probably not.
if you saw me now
could we lock eyes and not stop
hold me in your gaze
they just come to me now. i still count on my fingers though. syllable count, yo.
the garment district
is where we spent all our time
boy, your eyes are nice
that's for you nikki. oh how i love my bunny. thank you for putting up with me.
i am sad for me. i am sad for you. you are sad. we are sad. let's be sad together. that should be a song making fun of emo. we'll get those black rimmed glasses and sing bad emo songs and make fun of dashboard. i really do love emo. i'm no hater. i just think it's so easy to get consumed by all of this "scene" stuff. i'm so far lost that it's probably too hard to dig myself out. *drowns*
i really don't feel like heavy contemplation right now.
today...it SNOWED. i heard one boy say, "i hope it never stops." today's snow was a cleansing for me. i could feel all the bad things drift away just from looking out the window. it washes the street and it washes me. i want all this to go away and have a nice ending. i want to stop trying to starve to have the perfect hip bones. i am not starving but i think of perfect hip bones. i dream of perfect hip bones. i only date boys with perfect hip bones. i guess if i date a boy with something i want (hmm...i'm sure freud would say something else here.) than in a way i've accomplished my task. isn't it funny how Seventeen Magazine has started printing these articles like: "Am I Emo?" and date the skinny awkward boys in your class and you'll be surprises. That was my territory. Every awkward boy has found a home in my heart. those indie rockers have always hit home within my soul. sigh. it's not even about the looks, it's just that they are nicer people than those jock boys.
i use to live across the street from jock boys. all of them fine specimans. all gorgeous blonde with blue eyes. AMAZING. i had a crush on the skinniest one. he was a wrestler. now, he's into fighting "fight club" style. i heard it from an old neighbor. i guess not all nice boys are nice boys. sigh.
i really want to go undie shopping. i also want the new Nick Hornby Songbook
. It's amazing. i saw it in harvard square for $26 but thought i could find it cheaper. they hide it hiding out with the zines at tower. i thought that a bit strange.
what about a haiku chap book? i still want a zine. a zine of haiku. hmm...i'll start working on a grand japanese title for it now. i'm sure my mom will help me think of one.
eyes lock and our feet shake. hidden elcove with hand grips. i stare into your eyes hoping to stir within you something more for a stranger. you so gorgeous i can barely look. perfect eyes. perfect hair. perfect height. perfect hands. fingers. wrists. if i could have had more than eye sex with you that day, i would have.
i feel like an undercover spy. i can't even be alive in my room. i am the ninja. i live by the ninja code. i will change for no one. i will sleep for no one. i will be for no one. i am one and you are three going to find a mesiah in this trinity. city to burn. city to burn. sorry, smashing pumpkins reference. yes...i feel alone and i don't know how to crawl back out. i overuse this reference.
i still want to ride the T with you. i am such a silly girl. i think i'm going to ride the rails tomorrow. do you want to come?
more later when i am not hiding from the SS.
-meeting some people off the internet (not all, just some)
-fooling around just to get off
-not being honest
-not doing my homework on time
-not sitting next to Hugh at Mat's roller skating party (when i was 11)
-having crushes on lots of boys for no good reason
-giving into consumerism
-being a product of THE MAN
-not knowing what that last statement really meant
-letting other people's words hurt me
-not saying what i really liked because i thought i would be teased
-taking other people's views and making them mine own to be more "deck"
-not having a cool haircut
-smashing pumpkins break-up
-the fact that i am not already famous at 21
-that my poetry probably does suck
-i am not as smart or as cool as i think i am sometimes and that's just dandy
-that some boy bands are good, such as savage garden and bbmak (those are the only two i enjoy)
-not being deck enough
-not being a hipster
-NOT BEING A ROCK STAR in the future
-not being punk as fuck
sigh. does this all matter in the long run? what do i want? what do you want? let's hold hands, ride the T, and figure life all out. i like your eyes. (me: I like the blue of your eyes. Him: I like that blue in your hair.) i'm ready for the long haul, are you? i'm playing it cool. can i hold out? no. i don't play by the rules and that's why i am alone. are you alone too? i'm too afraid to ask. i want to be with you and at the same time keep it a neutral territory situation.
i believe in fate. he already made me a cd. i'm crossing my fingers. BUT, it's only been one day.
i met a boy in the T station today. he's grand. i hope i see him again soon.
-make mix tapes for all your friends
-do not make other people's worries your own, you can only do so much to help someone
-listen to ryan adams
-embrace being sad, sometimes it's good to be sad
-learn to concentrate
-life is a huge distraction
-movies with kieren culkin seem to be worth the rental fee
-buy dvds every other weekend
-cute underwear is key to happiness
-realize who your real friends are and stick with 'em through thick and thin
-silence is golden (no, only in movie theaters)
-sometimes feedback makes the song
i like lists.
welcome to DJ D-LISHUS' profile:
i liked the taste of steel in my mouth. at first, sour. sour like one of those gumballs you got as a kid that you never liked, but chewed anyway to show up your friends. it makes your lips pucker until the sweet center. smack. this is my first kiss with _____. the sour than sweet of his tongue.
complicated, yet precise.
(valentine's day blows!) yes, i give into the consumerism.
congrats!! your a stereo-typical indie fuck! your
nothin big nor special but still an indie fuck.
you are still into yourself more then anyone
else and look so damm fine. you dont get much
women but just enough to listen to a couple bad
emo records. you need a keyboard.
what type of indie fuck are you? brought to you by Quizilla
i am lonely. <3 emo
i can't sleep, probably because i haven't really tried. i am behind in everything. EVERYTHING. i need to get outside away from this room. away from this computer. tomorrow i'm dressing up for valentine's day. i'm listening to the "christopherREMIX" list on the winamp he told me he'd shoot me if i didn't download. so yeah, i'm rocking out and all that at 3 am. i should be in bed. i should be studying. these are a bunch of moral claims, or course. look, i did study a little bit. i really like my ethics class a whole lot. i'm just not motivated to study or email or anything really. i haven't been feeling lonely, just tired. i've been visiting the basement too many times recently and a dinner of cheese and crackers can't really be that healthy, huh? that's been my dinner for the past week. it's gotten to the point where i am not exactly hungry at night anymore. that's good. i'm trying to walk more. that's my sort of exercise. it's so cold outside in boston though. bleh. i'm going to be crazy and wear a dress anyways. ok, i still can catch 5 hours of sleep if i go now....
p.s. i have my analysis tomorrow with a psychiatrist. a real one. one that can get me some drugs. hmm...i'm nervous about it because i don't think that's what i need now. i think another opinion on my troubles is always grand. grand, i say.
will you court me?
i've made a few mix tapes this week. here's the play list to one i sent to a boy in austin.
Untitled (Batman Valentine cover)
Side 1 Road Trip Nation
1. The Bicyle Song.....Orbit
2. Where is my Mind?.....The Pixies
3. Possum Kingdom.....The Toadies
4. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.....Neutral Milk Hotel
5. Accident Prone.....Jawbreaker
6. Never Crashes.....The Deathray Davies
7. Nothing Feels Good.....The Promise Ring
8. Two Blue Lights.....Songs: Ohia
9. Holland, 1945.....Neutral Milk Hotel
10. Goodbye Sky Harbor.....Jimmy Eat World
Side 2 V-Day Blues
1. Oh, My Sweet Valentine.....Ryan Adams
2. A Heart Like Mine.....The Black Heart Procession
3. The Only One.....The American Analog Set
4. Pure Imagination.....The Ataris
5. Living Alone.....Koufax
6. Miles Away.....Yeah Yeah Yeahs
7. The Remainder.....Sleater-Kinney
8. Destro.....French Kicks
9. So Insincere.....Superdrag
10. Girl Inform Me.....The Shins
11. What Gives You Butterflies?.....Sorry About Dresden
12. California Stars.....Wilco
13. La Valse D'Amelie.....Yann Tierson
sigh. i tried too hard on this tape. i am not so happy with it.
things do not go as planned. that's life. the unexpeded should become the expected because behind every wall is another disappointment. i can't let every little bad thing bring me down. i need to try harder. i need to stop crying and get moving. i need to cut people out of my life. mean people that don't care. there are a few. why do i keep pretending we are close friends, when i know we aren't. we say "i love yous" and i wonder if you know what it means. how special of a word that is to tell someone. of course, i will love you forever. you were my first love but you will not be my last. maybe you can't understand my struggle but at this point i'm just looking for someone to support me not criticize me. sigh. all i want is a big fat slab of honesty and some back-up facts. tell me what's on your mind.
i have been trying to sleep for 15 minutes and i got two phone calls.
i have gotten two valentines from my family. one from home (sarah and mom) and another from dad in england. mom is still looking for school's for sarah. something about switzerland. i'm not sure if she's staying in germany with dad or not. i have no idea. i'm afraid if they stay apart too long it will break them apart. i know they talk almost everyday and as much as i dislike my father, i don't want them divorced. obviously, for selfish reasons but i wouldn't be able to handle that right now. not me cracking up and then them breaking up.
i'm not sure what i'm looking for right now. i really want someone to be there just to hold me when i'm sad. i'm sad so often now. so numb. i eat all this food till i'm fool but than i know i'm only eating once a day. that's not healthy right? i should be more involved with my classes. i am no longer motivated to do anything more than listen to new wave and the shins. ryan adams is fucking amazing. i don't know what i would have done without him in my life. well...you know what i mean. some music is so incredible that i cant' imagine how i would be without it invading my every pore. yeah, i'm a fan of "not who you are like, but what you like." i know it's lame but it seems to carry some sort of weight. it's not all just superficiality. i do get along with people that enjoy the same things i do. sometimes opposites attract but i would say in my case that it's so hard that i don't want to try. well, I TRY but then the other person doens't care. i'm tired of one-sided conversations and relationships.
i know who my real friends are. right beside me.
i really do like bright eyes. not his solo stuff but his band with the spanish sounding name.
well well...i am a paranoid girl. i've begun to think that the world is conspiricing against me. that could be true. all is possible in the crazy world known as college. actually, that would be really funny. that would explain a lot. why i only have certain allies. why i don't go out with emerson boys. it all makes sense. and what's up with the popularity of the game assassins? i don't understand that.
dorm living is not for me. i think i'm a loner hipster. i'm definately obsessed and self-depracating. i think that goes along with the paranoia quite well. at least, it's only my fault and no one elses. there are so few people i even know her. i think it's pretty sad when i have more online friends than real friends. ok, that's not really true. also, i think people shy away from internet dating because there are a lot of creeps. true, dat yo. but like i said before, definately just more stupid people in the world. i'm on a lot of sites. dumb sites that i got bored and put myself on. i guess i'm too curious to see who i can meet to erase myself. i should just go ahead and do that. internet communities are a pretty frightening though. i mean to think that we are only linked via the super information highway. there must be a better way to connect with people. i miss real life interactions with people. i think i should have gone and lived in a bigger building despite i hate high school cliques that get formed there, i would have been forced to reach out to more people just because of how the building is set up. i think i like people a lot more than i'm willing to admit.
i'm tired. zzzz.
i had a date last night. it was probably one of the most akward situations i have ever gotten myself into. he seemed nice enough, but isn't that always the case? first off, we were going to see a movie. fine fine. confessions of a dangerous mind. he comes way too nicely dressed. i'm turned off. bleh. i'm wearing jeans. casual date right? why the fuck can't i wear jeans? who knew he was wearing khakis and a nice sweater. gay. i hate using that word. let's try again, stupid. so apparately, he's going into the military. wow. great. no, not so great really. i totally clash on that. i think it's silly. i just don't understand it. my dad was in the military. i think its' ok for some people, but no ok for the people i date. sorry. maybe that's lame but i don't care. i really don't think highly of how my father is and maybe this has turned me off to all things military. And no, i haven't seen Black Hawk Down? ugh. so thank god we ended things early and we never have to talk again.
immediately after the date i went to NYP and got pizza and a yoohoo. i ate the pizza on the walk home. it was yummy. the yoohoo made my blood sugar go up and i acted strange. oh well.
i don't think i'm actually ready to date people. i want to and dates are fun, but it's a lot of work. dates make me feel lonely and sometimes i feel like things should move faster. faster as in relationship, not faster as in sexual...though i move fast in that department. at least, i think i do. i think perhaps i'm trying too hard. i just hate waiting.
i bought the Hipster Handbook today. i thought it would be a fun thing to read. it's pretty informative though i'm not sure if i can take the thing seriously. apparantly, indie and hipster are not the same thing anymore and indie is an outdated term. oh well. i don't really care. some of that slang is outlandish. i like deck. i like fin. that is all. alright. i'll write more. i doubt i'm sleeping tonight.
valentine's day makes me sad.
old AIM profile:
brown is the new red.
staying indie. not selling out. keeping it real.
are you sean dack?
i sweat for b.f. coincidentally, he is not my bf.
something new. something old.
i miss having the sk around.
why am i so sad? lonely? sometimes i think people are the problem, but my problem is in my own head. sigh. GET OUT, YOU. GET OUT!
sigh. why am i so hungry? i have no idea.
some of the prettiest things in the world: bunnies (human and animal) and peacocks. kitties rock my world as well.
Dack is so Deck. Yeah, baby, yeah.
sometimes i wish that i lived in the LB. i think living in the LB brings you more people to be close to. it gives you a lot of caring people in one place, but i guess it's easy to hide there too. i love the big windows. nikki's room is so beautiful. i get so jealous everytime i'm there. my room is so ugly now. bleh. i don't know what to do. it's not the posters. it's just the location. i just wish i had someone to be close to all the time. this is nothing to do with a dependence issue (well, a little). it's not just wanting a boyfriend. it could be anyone. boy or girl. just someone to be there all the time. i know my friends are here but you know, it's not the same. sometimes i wish i had someone to cuddle with whenever i wanted. could someone get me a stuffed animal to hold on to? i miss my billy bunny back home. he gets me through all these rough times. i feel myself slipping like i did when i was 15. i was so mean then. i got over it with some persistance and i made myself happier. mostly but just doing lots of homework and going to shows. i miss my mom so much. i don't know what to do without her. the phone doesn' t work and i can't call and she can't call. i feel so disconnected without her. i don't want her to go to germany. GOD. life is unfair. i think if she moves i'll quit emerson because i don't want to be on my own. i'm not going to be able to handle it all by myself. she's the one person i know i can turn to. lately, i've felt so bad talking to her because it's always sad and even though my thoughts are clear when i get on the phone, when we actually start talking it gets all messed up and jumbled up. i don't know how to sort these things out by myself.
i think i should invest in a bike. or a vespa. i want a pet and a flower.
i'm still looking for a valentine. really, it's not a desperate plea. i'm just tired. that's all. too tired to go on.
there's something about snow that makes grown men act like little kids. wait, men? hmm. alright, adults act like kids when confronted by beautiful snowy flakes. i got all smiley when confronted with the snow snow SNOW. (my shift key on the left side is making a strange sound when I use it. not good.) i saw this squirrel outside in his little hole in a tree. it was adorable.
i wish it snowed * ** * *
* * all the * * * * * *
* * * time * * *
* * * *
WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?
please. (sean dack)
I'M LOOKING FOR SUITORS. HELP! ONE WEEK TO GO.
indie boys do it better.
i'm having a confidence issue in one of my classes. i must admit i'm pretty into "scene" culture. i mean just look at the links section on here. (i put a new one. look for it. it's awesome pins. woohoo!!) i guess i'm mostly interested because i'll never be accepted as a real "scenester," which is probably the best in the long run. i think i would tire of the scene. i don't know. i didn't want to give my ideas in class today for Magazine Writing because there's this one boy who writes for THE PHOENIX here in boston and i just feel that i'm sad case. i think having a clique like that exploits -isms but at the same time i think it's an interesting collection of people with some real passion for what they believe in. i can honestly say that music is one of the major things that keep me going. i think i would feel so lost without some rock 'n' roll involved somewhere in my life. emptiness and a deep void. maybe that's why i like to date musicians. they kiss the best anyways. alright, i'm not sure how accurate it is but it seems to me the boys i've kissed that have been in bands seem to be pretty good. at least, 3, perhaps more. yeah, i get musician booty. i'm that good. maybe i am scene though i doubt scene kids talk about sean dack, perhaps they do. i don't know. i'm not scene.
I AM TIRED OF THIS RANT.
i feel much better right now. it's definately all the head's up pennies i've found recently. today, i found a heads up dime. ooh la la. i'm rolling in lady luck. i should go gamble before this streak runs out. i know i'll end up going down in flames soon anyways. i'm tired. how about you?
hold me. (sean dack) ooooh, two name droppings. hahahahaha.
i feel so secure right now. i feel like someone has wrapped me up in a huge toasty blanket and is holding me saying IT'S ALRIGHT, it's all alright now. you are now allowed to breath. the scratches on my arm show me how real things can get. that this is not a solution for anything. that i need to stop hurting myself. not that i have until now. i will never again. i will never allow my life to spiral out of control again. i'm on some sort of path right now. hopefully, not the path of destruction but on the path of REconstruction. i need some solace in my sad little world.
i promise, no more emo-ness here.
indie pride for sean dack, baybee.
sorry, i'm still allowed to laugh at it all because when i step back and peer into what i've done. it's funny. not in the ha ha way (well, sorta) but yeah, i understand how silly it all can be. and humor is afterall the best medicine.
thanks miss foo foo for all your help. hehe. you know who you are.
it's time for the AIM update:
i seek mix tapes and star gazing.
i'd bleed for your reaction.
going to shows
pet names (kitten + cowboy)
that is all for now.
it's weird when your mother offers you a hotel for the weekend just to escape it all but than for some reason your roommates are gone for both nights of the weekend. i miss you guys. gah. i think i need a change of pace. i change of scenery. a change is in store and i am about to see it happening somehow. i can feel myself "grasping" for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. it's there cream-colored and smooth as the velvetine rabbit. i run, arms outstreched, just for one feel of it. just one touch could change this all around. make time go backwards and instead of falling down, i am falling up. i go back in time to 20, 19, 18...and so forth until i'm back in Pennsylvania where there was never a moment of madness. there was never that feeling that i was about to just lose it. YES, there were times that i would change but PA is my home and where i was raised and i can say that most people prefer their childhoods to their adulthoods. i know i do. playing all day. not caring. TODAY i don't care for a different reason and it's mostly out of disbelief of how i could let myself slip into this mess. honestly i feel much better and MAYBE things are going to get better.
hey, i can be optimistic when i feel like it. i mean sean dack knows it. right? hahahahahaha
no, i will not write sean dack fan ficiton, that would be crossing the line. i just figure i'm on some sort of role. so i keep putting out the shout outs maybe sean will finally take a visit to my SLIMER green website. ecto cooler foreva, yo.
sometimes life is a waste of breath. sometimes life is worth living. sometimes i get so nervous that i feel like i'm going to pull all of my hairs out and run about the room yelling. i'm really tired. i can't find my silver ring. i'm tired of thinking too hard. i'm drinking snapple and maybe everything would be ok if (sean dack) were here. i doubt it. i use to have intelligent things to say and now they're starting to fizzle too. just like my brain.
the shins are good raining day music.
i got two DVDs today. bill and ted's excellent adventure. i'm totally going to bring back early 90s phrases. excellent, eh? THEH, labryrinth. i'm sorry but you have to love david bowie's hair in this movie. i almost got amelie but alas, that's for another weekend. OH, i find copper press finally. i love that magazine. free cd. great layout. it's all about the little things. does anyone know where i can get a good pair of black jeans? yeah, i'm all old skool i know. let's hang out sometime, k?