things do not go as planned. that's life. the unexpeded should become the expected because behind every wall is another disappointment. i can't let every little bad thing bring me down. i need to try harder. i need to stop crying and get moving. i need to cut people out of my life. mean people that don't care. there are a few. why do i keep pretending we are close friends, when i know we aren't. we say "i love yous" and i wonder if you know what it means. how special of a word that is to tell someone. of course, i will love you forever. you were my first love but you will not be my last. maybe you can't understand my struggle but at this point i'm just looking for someone to support me not criticize me. sigh. all i want is a big fat slab of honesty and some back-up facts. tell me what's on your mind.

i have been trying to sleep for 15 minutes and i got two phone calls.

i have gotten two valentines from my family. one from home (sarah and mom) and another from dad in england. mom is still looking for school's for sarah. something about switzerland. i'm not sure if she's staying in germany with dad or not. i have no idea. i'm afraid if they stay apart too long it will break them apart. i know they talk almost everyday and as much as i dislike my father, i don't want them divorced. obviously, for selfish reasons but i wouldn't be able to handle that right now. not me cracking up and then them breaking up.

i'm not sure what i'm looking for right now. i really want someone to be there just to hold me when i'm sad. i'm sad so often now. so numb. i eat all this food till i'm fool but than i know i'm only eating once a day. that's not healthy right? i should be more involved with my classes. i am no longer motivated to do anything more than listen to new wave and the shins. ryan adams is fucking amazing. i don't know what i would have done without him in my life. well...you know what i mean. some music is so incredible that i cant' imagine how i would be without it invading my every pore. yeah, i'm a fan of "not who you are like, but what you like." i know it's lame but it seems to carry some sort of weight. it's not all just superficiality. i do get along with people that enjoy the same things i do. sometimes opposites attract but i would say in my case that it's so hard that i don't want to try. well, I TRY but then the other person doens't care. i'm tired of one-sided conversations and relationships.

i know who my real friends are. right beside me. 
¶ 4:11 PM |