The Hipster Brigade
The Strokes...Chili Dogs...French Fries...and Emo Boys and some of my favorite things. I miss the Soulmate. It hurts too much to think of him, but it hurts to think of him too. Ugh. I don't want to move on. I want to sit and whine and complain over him for a long long long time. I can do that, but it won't get me anywhere. I just hope he is still alive. I know he is cause he sent me a crappy email that was sorta junkmail. Oh, well...I miss him. Later.
Ok, I'm back to some sort of level of normality. Is that a word? It's 60 outside. That's just wrong. It's fucking February. Oh, well. I am not going to worry about it. I got a lot accomplished today and I feel a lot better. Plus, I got a chili hot dog. And hot dogs always make me feel better. :-) So anyways...I am still thinking obsessively about the Soulmate. It takes so much of me to keep from emailing him or trying to call him. He isn't online, which is good. I miss him.
Weaning yourself from someone you care about is like getting over herion. It's really hard at first. I feel like I'm going to die. Like, I have to IM him or email him. I stop myself each time. It's so hard. I don't know what to do. I feel anxious inside. Like my stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do. I don't know if the feelings I'm feeling are even valid right now. It's so hard to tell right now. I am starting to feel so bad that I could just walk around in the street naked and I swear I wouldn't know. I'm thinking about going to see a professional. I am so fidgety that I cant' concentrate on anything. I am so anxious inside that I can't stop shaking. Even listening to music won't make it go away. I just want to be able to hold him. To drug him and make him mine forever. What is wrong with me? I need help. I am scared and I don' t know what is wrong with me. Oh god, someone help me before I just start screaming and never stop. Ever.
I'm just sorry that everyone spent so much time on me. I'm not worth it.
Someone told me last night to pray to God for myself. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. That doesn't comfort me at all. I guess, because I believe that I decide my own decisions. That there is not something that I can pray to and have that feel better for me. Releasing my worries on something that I'm not sure is there is not comforting. I wish it was. It would make life a lot easier. Maybe I would be a lot less confused. I just can't. I think I need to seek out a religion for me. Either one that I make to fit my needs or something like Buddhism or something Eastern thinking type thing. Maybe I should just crawl into a tree in the Common and sit there for eternity. When you smell me, just pull me out of the branches.
The Soulmate. It's unfortunate that he makes me both so happy and so sad. I think I would get over him if forced, but not really "get over" him. I can't. It's not easy. He was not just some sort of thing that happened. He's someone that I care for a lot. So much that I would jeopardize my own happiness to see his. Unfortunately, his happiness does not include me. I love being his friend. I love hearing what he has to say. We have differences, but frankly I can't remember why we couldn't be together other than the fact is that he doesn't love me. That there was one before him that he loved. The feelings I have for him are intense. Let's just say I don't want to forget about him. What if there is only one soulmate that you meet in your life? What if that soulmate is only a one-sided thing. He is the only boy that I've actually wanted to be with. To be seen with. I am not ashamed of him. It seems that everyother boy that I've been with I've been scared to be with, either because he was dweeby or just not someone that I should be with, but denied the fact that I shouldn't be. The Soulmate and I may never talk again. I hope this is not the case, even if it hurts to know that I cannot have him. I've been denying that within myself. I wish he would read this and understand what I feel for him. I'm scared to death for him to read this though, because this may make him run away from me more than he already is doing. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I will take the Soulmate any way he wants to give himself to me. Be that as a friend or some version of that. I just don't want him to go forever. I am not happy that he broke up with his girlfriend. Of course not. I just wish that sometimes the best things in life are right there and you need to take the chances and consequences to reach them. A relationship does not start with love, that is something that grows.
Why am I so lost?
Sometimes people says things that get them into a lot of trouble. Sometimes people forget what they've told other people, and they open their mouth and they let things slip and they not only ruin a future relationship/friendship, but they feel extremely fucked. Sometimes people don't understand. I hate this. I lost someone special to me last night. Someone that I wasn't really sure if I was going to have a possible future with or not. People don't trust me. I hate that. This is the second time this year that I've told the truth and lost someone. Actually, the first time I didn't tell the truth but in the long run it was better, because that brought me closer to the Soulmate and I love being closer to the Soulmate, even if we aren't actually closer. Does this make sense? I love being friends with the Soulmate. I love being a little big more with the Soulmate. It's hard to define what we are or what we mean to each other. Sometimes situations become really fucked up. I don't know how this happens, but it does. I wish I could help the Soulmate as I think he is such an amazing person. I'm sorry I lost the other boy, but I'm not sure if I could have been with him anyway. He is sorta clingy and obsessive. I don't know. His closeness to me really scared me sometimes. We were a lot alike, but whatever...I guess I was wrong about him.
Once again I feel like my life is fucked. Is there nothing I can do right? I'm lucky I even still have friends. I'm telling the whole truths from now on. I did think it was over with the Soulmate, but I was wrong. There is still a friendship there, and a lingering feeling of lust or something like that. A great attraction that will simply not go away. He is amazing. He says what he wants to say and is not afraid to stand for what he believes in. The other boy just apologized too much. That was so irritanting.
*sighs* I need to fix my life.
I'm not sure what this means, but I think it is me.
You tend to be a little condescending at times, Virgo. Remember – just because something's totally obvious to you, doesn't mean it is to everyone else. And it also doesn't mean that everyone else is stupid, either.
Why do my horoscopes always make so much sense. I want to really write, but I'm busy being too emo right now. Give me some time later and I will update you on my current situation and the thoughts that pass throught my diseased brain. Boys. Drugs. Soda. Sour candies. Ok, no drugs...but chocolate. Mac n' cheese. Love. Loneliness. Life. Homework. Emo boys. Punk boys. Ska boys. Music. Lust. Sex. Kissing. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sorry, I got a little carried away there. I don't really think that much about sex. I am DAVID BOWIE, except not bisexual. Or a man. Or a singer. Or in my 50s. Ok, I am not DAVID BOWIE. I want to be DAVID BOWIE. Can I? Please.
New shoes rock: black monochrome converse hi-tops with maroon laces. I kick ass. I kiss ass too if I need to. Hahaha...
I'm Jareth! I'm calculating and determined, and I may well burst into song for no reason. I want to get the girl, rule the kingdom, and wear tight pants. Ahhh, who doesn't?
Take the "Which Labyrinth character are you most like?" quiz by smarmy
I rock. I am David Bowie. Bow down to the master. Hehehe...
Take the Hey Hey, Which Monkee Are You? Quiz.
Woohoo...I love myself. I really love myself.
Which Grunge Band Are You?
This doesn't seem right to me. There is definately something wrong here.
Today I woke up at 9:30. Now, normally this would be fine and dandy, except this is a week day and I normally leave for class at that time. I still got to class on time. I really wasn't worried about that. I just didn't get up when I wanted to, and it put a damper on my day. It really do, but I listened to some ska music on the way to class and that was great. Nothing like waking up to blaring horns and punk guitars. It sure makes life fun.
I am hungry. I think the phlegm is starting to clear from my throat. Yum.
Ska! Capdown...check them out!!!!!
Matt is awesome. Matt is someone I met off of MOC. Yes, a scenester...I spelled that wrong. Oh, well.
"Whenever I get into a good relationship I get clingy and rely on that person for all happiness. I think that might be what is causing problems for me."
I love this line from his online journal thing. It is amazing and describes me. I'm not in a relationship now. Being single hurts. I still wants guys, but not quite as much as I did before. Yah, I still comment, but there are more important things now. There is a really cute guy that was in my African American History class last semester. I've always wanted to approach him, but I've never been able to. He's really cute. I think he likes punk rock. He has bleached hair and wears a punk belt and he smokes. This is all I know about him. I forgot his name. He seems really nice. He opened the door for me today.
Ok, I want to talk about two things today. I notice as I walk more and more around the grand old town of Boston that all those bike messengers are punks, even the girls. I envy them. I would love to whiz around on a bike all day delivering important or not important letters/packages to people. It looks to be fantastic. I would love a job like that. I would like a job. Well, a cool one anyway. I want to work in a Record Store. Yes, that is so Warrenesque...yes, from Empire Records. That is my favorite movie. Well, I like Fight Club too. Nothing can beat that movie. The plot is amazing. The scenes, the writing, the actors. Hell, I don't even like Brad Pitt, but he was so great in that movie.
My new favorite actress is Thora Birch. She is so beautiful. You should watch Ghost World if you havnen't. It's a great flick.
Somebody desk sitting in the LB was playing Smashing Pumpkins. They are amazing and I walked around singing Bullet so I could hear the next song. I even went up to them and said something. The guy was a huge loser and I think he sort of made fun of me. Oh well, I was so happy that he played them.
This song rules. It is off Pisces Iscariot. For all the people who have always wanted to know the lyrics to Spaced
Dad Dad Dad
Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead
Was I ever alive?
Fucking makes you alive in one minute
I am solstice filled with mercury
Filled with mercury
See right through your heart
See right through your heart
Fuck your heart
I am mercury liquid pure
Hot, alive, dead, mucked fish eyes, doors
I was born alive
I'll fucking kill you
I'll beat your soft baby head with my own hand
Careful with that baby
Don't ever say the h word around him
I am ashamed of my name, say it
I hate the sound of your shit because it means no good
It means cheap, liar, smart ass piece of shit
Change it to raygun you fuck
Billy the loon
Billy the loon
I am Mars
I am Mars
Billy addly addly addly...
Your name causes shit
While I may be no expert on this reality there is no god but shame
God is hurt, God is cold
Try that once, God is dead
There is not another one
Cold heart radio
Reoccuring messages of badness
Reoccuring living bad dreams at the vortex of lost souls
Wailing lost souls of shame
We are in one hole
Like a cup of mercury phosphate
Taste my shit you wench
Lifting wailing lost souls who stand a chance
Hot, my eyes darkly gaze and wonder - do not enter
Why Why Why?
I was born whole
Fractured divided shattered into a billion fragments
A million piece puzzle
A million piece jigsaw puzzle with no this, and no that...
There are so awesome lines in that. I miss my dog.
I dyed my hair black. I am not goth. I am emo. I really am. I am trying to be. Look, I'm depressed. *weeps* *sighs* Please love me, nobody does. My life sucks. Won't you be mine? I am lonely. I am going to die. Boohoo.
Hi and welcome. I haven't heard from the cute dining hall semi punk boy...so I assume he isn't interested in me. He was just humoring me and being nice. Though he is mighty cute. I really wanted to use today's entry to describe my dorm room. I think I have and live in a pretty unique dorm.
I live in a brownstone in Boston on a very nice and posh part of town. Smack dab in the middle of Boston. I think everyday how lucky I am to be living in such a nice part of town. I love it here. I love my dorm. My dorm is the 2nd biggest in the campus. We have ten floors and I'm guessing about 320 of us are living in here. That's pretty amazing. I sit security for my college and I scan a lot of those 320 people in of the building, and I witness a lot of them walking out to, probably for a smoke. I live on the 7th floor. All my friends live on the 3rd. They are awesome.
I live in a single right now because my roommate moved out. So I'm actually living in a double..sorta single deal. I have the bottom bunk now. I swirled Christmas lights around the edge of it. They broke, it sux. I have windows looking out over the Boston Public Gardens and Arlington street. I use the window sills as bookshelves. I have my own bathroom. I have a bunch of girly make-up things. I like sparkles. So all my make-up seems to include sparkles. I have two closets, two dressers and two desks. Obviously, I am only using one dresser and one closet. My closet also has a fire escape door in it, because my room is the one you would have to escape out of in case of a fire. It's sorta cool and I like to impress boys I bring to my room with the awesome door. The light is out on the other closet. I have tons of posters up. Differents themese I have: Guys with guitars, Black and White, Punk, General Cute guys, and cute punk boys. All my drawes are very disorganized. I only wear my black shirts now or dark blue. I don't wear anything else. I guess I like non-colors. My room sorta kix ass, except I don't have a stereo which I wish I did have. I play stuff off my computer, but obviously the sound quality isn't that fantastic. Oh well...at least I have music.
The Soulmate is coming for a visit. Will it go well? I have no idea.
Oh well...Brian Slade is very hot. My button won't work. This makes me very upset. I guess I will go pout now. I have a new blogger. It's all about the conerts I have attended...or possibly in the future the concerts I want to attend or dream conerts or the concerts that I will make possible. It's not really anything yet...just a name on the internet with no content. I will put the address down as soon as add some details.
I love music.
I need love.
I want to be accepted.
My hair...is well, I'll tell you later.
I live to define myself. I took this quiz the other day. I was someone else. Shannon. Maybe I lied.
Which Velvet Goldmine Character are you, darling?
Sign my fucking guest book. More about my sordid love life later.
Go take test at this site. Sign the guest book. I signed it..and messed up. Hahaha. I want to be a rock star. A punk. A pirate. I want a tattoo of a star on my hand. I like when it rains. I want a punk boyfriend. I like smokers. I don't smoke. I like kissing. I am aggressive...if you ask nicely. I am tired. I am awake. I am slow. I am weak. I walk up seven flights of stairs, just because I want to. I miss you. I hate you. I love you. I need you. I want you. Please. Leave me alone. Snores. Snows. Floats above room with arms extended pretending to fly and falls and fails and is not loved and mother leaves her in jail. She doesn't pay bail. I need you...come back. Waves.
Hi...this was my Valentine's Day:
I sent Soulmate an email. He hasn't been online or sent anything back. He hates me.
A boy in Dallas, a very sweet cute caring one, wrote me songs. Yes, songs. Two. He is awesome. Left handed. Cute.
I talked to that cute punk boy that I saw in the Dining Hall awhile ago. I gave him a note. He read it. We talked about converse. He said he was interested in getting to know me. He is really cute.
I hung out with the Third Floor girls and we went to Borders and had a blast. Laura found me a magazine with Ryan Adams in it. *grins* He is the ultimate. *sighs*
Ok, sorry...I will stop with the Ryan Adams. NOT!
The cute punk boy...well, I haven't heard from him. So I'm gonna give him a visit. Hooray.
I am still sick.
My guest book worx. It's at the top there. It's really nifty, except it has time for another country. I will try to work on that, but for now it will just be that way. I added a new link to my friend site. He's awesome. Ok, I will brag about my incredibly boring life more later.
I feel sick.
Don't sign my guestbook. It won't work...I'm still working on something. Just hold your damn horse everybody. Damn technology. I'm dirty...*runs and takes shower*
So wearing a skirt in the middle of the city is a bad idea. I was coming home today from Soulmate's. I won't get into the details. I just didn't feel like waiting for the T. So anyways, first I'm leared at by some painters. Then a taxi stops and honks it's horn at me, and the driver nods his head. Then some British guy turns around and says hello. Then in my building two girls said I looked really cute...which I didn't mind. Then the desk sitter, who I have no idea if he's gay or not, sorta made a comment about it. But I didn' t mind that either, because he's really nice and was listening to Siamese Dream! Talking about Smashing Pumpkins....
Your wardrobe is kind of plain, and everyone around
you is shooting heroin, but that's okay, because you
finally took care of that mop you once referred to as
hair. It's smooth sailing from here.
Which Era of Billy Corgan are you?
Yah, this test kix major ass. This day is going completely alright. I miss Ryan Adams. *turns Ryan on, oops...I mean, turns his music on* Hehehe.
I had one of those mornings when you know that you're life is just going all wrong. It started at 7am. I was going to get up and read. Instead I stayed asleep. I woke up at 9:11...that probably was a sign within itself. It was too cold for a skirt. I had to pick another outfit. Then I just didn't feel like moving at all. So I get dressed and I was gonna burn this CD for my best friend for her birthday, because it's on Thursday and I want to get it mailed off. I know it will be late, but I want it there some time this year. Then the song that I really wanted on there wouldn't fit. So, I took a song off and put another one on. A stupid song that she would find amusing. Then because I have a fire escape out of my closet, I went out to class that way. I still needed to stop for some sort of breakfast. On the way down the stairs I realized I had forgotten my key. I would be locked out. DAMN! First time for everything. Then I was overcharged for my poptarts. I was too hot on the walk.
Then my day started to turn around. I got into my room, thus making me able to write in my blogger. I got my RYAN ADAMS ticket. I found out about housing. I can pay with credit card. I am very psyched. Ok, so my day is slowly turning around. Also, I'm gonna watch a movie with meg. Velvet Goldmine. Also, the boy that I shouldn't like I saw today and we smiled and said a little something to each other. He's so sweet. I like his smile so much. Oh, well.
*wonders if Ryan Adams will find me as keen as I find him*
Oh god, I swear lately that my brain has decided to slowly ooze out of one my ears. I seriously am having trouble just fuctioning. I have no idea why. I did it again. Wrote a few good sentences and lost it. Probably, more than just what I wrote too.
SNOW! Does a body good.
I'm not gonna write until my head gets better. Maybe after this week. Maybe never. I don't know.
The Soulmate is temporarily back in my life. I missed him. I also have a crush on someone that I shouldn't. He has a beautiful smile. We like the same things, and whenever I see him he smiles at me. He's really nice. I like him a lot. He has no name. I'm not gonna come up with a nickname for him, because people I know will read this and get upset with me. Or maybe they won't. You'll know when I talk about him. You'll just know. Hahaha...isn't life grand?
The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails is the best song on the planet. Yah!
I just did the most stupid thing in the world. I just navigated away from my blogger. I lost my kickass entry. What a stupid fuck. I tell you I have no mind at all. It was really great too. Well, I'll try again. This time I will use my mind more.
I've become a music downloading junkie as of late. It's sorting taking over my life. It's sorta taking over my computer. It's a disease that has crawled through my fingertips up through the skin under my arms to the core of my heart and the center of my brain. I am slowly being corrupted by the availability of really kick ass music. I don't think that it's right. It's so weird to have music continously playing in my room. I didn't last semester. First off, I didn't have a stereo and I didn't have a computer. But I did have a portable CD player, but I didn't have it strapped to my ears 24-7. Plus, I could only listen when I had batteries. A serious downfall. I usually had batteries though. I bought a bunch of CDs last semester though. I think 15 and maybe a couple that I burned. College is bad for me. I spend too much on music instead of important things: Winter coat, food, presents for my lovely best friends back in Dallas. PROPS TO GEERAH. I know she doesn' t read this, but oh well. I don't know if anyone reads this thing other than Shane and Grant.
BIG NEWS: RYAN ADAMS IS COMING TO BOSTON ON MARCH 18TH. YES, I AM MOST DEFINATELY GOING TO GO. I'M REALLY EXCITED!
I think I'm going to make him a bracelet. Maybe some poetry or something. I'm not sure now. I don't want to freak the most wonderful Ryan out. I just think he's amazing. His music is so great. His looks...*swoons*...are (add adjective here that means something particular good. I can't limit it to only one.) Well...this is a lot shorter than the last one because I'm dumb and erased it...well, I sorta had it back than lost it again. Blah...the past is the past.
SUPERTRAMP...is a very good band. They do that song in the Gap commercial...that Give a little Bit. I think I'm the only young person in the world who knows this, other than Jesse.
He does wear bracelets. What a sexy man he is! Look at that belt!
So my mom got her little Valentine's Day letter today. More of this story later...someone's knocking on the door of my room. *hides* No one ever visits. It must be a ninja. Stupid Ninja site. Matt if you are reading this...you started this ninja thing. It's all your fault...and that annoyingly great song. Oh, well...
Has this ever happened to you? You are sitting in a movie theater and this annoying really bright white light (3 rhymes!) starts flashing directly into your eyes. Not only this but at the most crucial part of the movie...and then a lady on a speaker comes on and tells us to get the hell out of the theather there are like flying fucking ninjas holding up the snack bar. Ok, so my friends and I head down the escaloators to the exit. Then a guy comes and says that it's a false alarm. I mean FUCK. Great. So back up the escalators we go and we see the end of the movie. Then the women comes on 15 minutes into the end and says that it was a false alarm. Yah, thanx lady I think we know that by now. So that's what happened to me today. Quite an experience if you ask me. Oh, well...I have a paper to write. I don't want to do it, but oh well...I mean who ever wants to do homework. I sure as hell don't. Hey, it's almost time for a good ole skanking weekend. Yah, for me...and the Suicide Machines.
I may or may not have a date for this weekend. I'm waiting patiently for a reply. Ok, rather impatiently...I've sorta left the request in someone's mailbox online. He's punk and really cute. This would be the first date that I've had with a real punk boy. This make me very happy. If we do end up going out it would be nice if we got along. It would also be nice if it worked out and that I could have a stud muffin of a punk boyfriend. Not that I'm very concerned with looks. I just like the idea of having a punk boyfriend that has a leather jacket and a motorcycle. I don't know if I have enough guts to ride a motorcycle. Actually, it's not the riding I'm scared of...it's the falling off. Oh, and I think I may look dumb in a helmet. I don't want to look dumb, fall off, or die because he's a really bad driver. Hahaha. I'm sure none of this would happen, except looking stupid in the helmet. I think a lot of trust goes into riding a motorcycle. Also, I just realized I've misspelled motorcycle until just now. I had to go back and change them all. Oh, well. I'll tell ya guys how it all works out or if anything new happens.
P.S. Found new ska band that I really like: The Suicide Machines! Check them out! Also, download audiogalaxy. It makes life happy. :-)
This is a story I wrote for my fiction class. It's a short short. I don't know when I'll have a real entry again. My life is going to happily. Oh, well...I'm sure that will change soon. Laters.
He held the gun firmly to my skull. I could feel my chest moving up and down with each breath. His face was so close to mine that I could look directly into his bloodshot eyes, and see the sadness welling up inside of him.
“Erik, honey. What’s wrong?” I stroked his hair. He moved the gun closer. “Tell me, baby. We can try to work things out.”
“Shut up, bitch. I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth,” Erik said, his lips so close to mine that I could feel the words vibrate my eardrums.
There was nothing to do but sit here and wait it out. I couldn’t do anything when he was like this. This was his second fit in two weeks. The gun wasn’t loaded. So I wasn’t worried about it. It couldn’t be loaded. It was a water pistol. A little orange plastic handgun.
I shook my leg with the anticipation of Erik’s next move. He was so predictable. I looked at the comforter on the bed. It needed to be washed. Its flowered design looked faded from all the years of use. Maybe I would just buy a new one. I wasn’t sure.
“Did you say something bitch?” he asked looking into my eyes. I didn’t say anything. “I said, did you say something?”
“No, I didn’t. You know that, so I don’t know why you asked.” I crossed my arms. “Honey, I still love you.”
“What?” Erik asked, looking into my eyes. “Do you want to go to McDonald’s?”
I nodded my head. “Sure, why not?”
Erik put down the gun, and grabbed for my hand. He smiled at me and looked into my eyes. “I love you too.”
We walked to the car holding hands.
I ThOuHt ThAt I wOuLd TyPe LiKe ThIs OnCe To PiSs EvErYoNe OfF. Did it work?
I just had the most incredible day. Well, I mean it's still going on...but it's been incredible up to this point. You know when you feel really happy and your smiling cause you are just so damn happy and people can tell you are...so they smile back and look at you weird some times. Then I start to get self-conscience because all these people are looking at me and I've forgotten it's because I'm happy and I start to think maybe I have mustard on my pants in a bad spot or something, but then reality kicks in again and you realize that you just had the most incredible day.
On the walk home...I was really motivated to write and stuff. I didn't have any paper so I had to write on my hand. The thing that motivated me to write was that I was walking past the fancy boutiques on Boylston Street and I saw this cute fluffy white dog in one of those shops. I stopped and the dog saw me and started coming to the window and was happy and then some bitchy woman called it and it went the other way. I had snobby rich people. Oh, god! The dog had little gold bows and actually was wearing a little pearl type necklace thing. That's why I stopped. I wondered if it was real. It was. It made me happy. So I start walking back to my dorm and I'm scribbling on my hand and I see this cute boy and I didn't think he was that cute...but then I really looked at him and he had these beautiful intense eyes. They were blue and just so beautiful. I wanted to stare into them all day. Then I started walking faster and almost running into people cause I was writing all this down in scribbles on my hand. I heard a woman say something about a Chinese bus. I wonder what a Chinese bus is...so I wrote it down so I would never forget it. And I see this boy that goes to my school and he's wearing the most hideous sweater I've ever seen. I wanted to go rip it off him and shoot it. It was just so ugly. Then I remembered that I didn't eat my breakfast of Cinnamon Pop Tarts this morning and that I could have a snack when I got back. Then I started walking even faster and scribbling as much as I could so I would not forget it. Then as I crossed the street to my dorm I saw a really beautiful Asian girl with dyed orangy hair. She was so beautiful. Her face was really pretty. I wanted to be her best friend so I could talk to her all the time. She looked really pretty and trendy and plus I'm 25% Japanese so maybe if she was Japanese we could talk about that together. What's it like for us. I don't know.
In the dining hall, I wrote a letter to this boy I know back home who I sorta want to go out with. He's really my type, but to be quite honest I'm scared to jump into anything. Even though there is a ton of potential, but I'm scared that I can't trust myself. So I wrote this letter. Then I noticed the Hottie was there. He dyed his hair again...it's black and he has this swoosh of blonde in the front. It's kinda cute...but he looked so angry there nibbling by himself. He never looks happy. I feel sorry for him. I don't think he likes life and that's a damn shame. I wrote a poem after I saw him. I will write it down at the end. Then I saw the most perfect boy I've ever seen in my whole life at Emerson. He was emo I think, cause I have no other way to describe him. He had this beautiful brown hair. It was combed. He was very skinny. He looked so sad...but not sad like the Hottie was. Just lonely. I wanted to go sit with him and ask him what was up, but the Hottie was right there and that's kinda how I met the Hottie so I didn't want to do that. Hopefully, I will see him again on Wednesday or next Monday so I can talk to him. He has black converse on. He was so pretty. He was simply gorgeous. I want to know him. We can talk about Dashboard if he really wants to. I don't mind. He probably doesn't listen to Ryan Adams...but who does...I don't anyone my age. Oh, well...their loss. I just loved today so much. I was happy when I went to sleep last night too. I love life. I think things are gonna start changing for me. I am so glad they are.
working title: PuNk FoOd
I am not heard
I am not seen
I am not me
whoosh of blonde
lost in daydream
Thriving on bikes
and peanut butter
I think I am lost
I am not right
Absense of self
~Crushing on Emo boys and wishing for a Beautiful Asian Girl Friend
I like web cliques. I've added some more to my page. Please be persistant and make sure that they load...b/c it's making me all mad and pissed off that they won't even load for me. Makes me want to scream and throw a little kid tantrum right her in my dorm room, but I won't...I'm too mature for that. Yeah, right! Well...I'll probably blog something more intelligent than this later today...around twoish I think...something like that. I don't feel like walking. Does anyone have a scooter they don't want? I'll take it for a little bit. I may look a little dumb. But I'm also too lazy to walk. I would say a bike...but bikes are a hassle in my dorm...especially on the 7th floor. Ok, later.
I desk sit. That means I am security for my college. I'm sure that I've written about this before. I love my job. It's great you sit there and listen to music...and it's sorta like being a DJ, cause everyone that goes in and out has to listen to it...or at least grin and bear it. I love making people listen to ska and punk and ryan adams and smashing pumpkins. I'm listening to Wheatus..they are a really great band. I highly recommend them. I can't explain them. They sing that Teenage Dirtbag song. My dad really likes this song, which is slightly disturbing for some reason. Also, my dad likes ska music, which also distrubs me. Though I did teach my mom Stabbing Westward. It's so funny..."Mom, who is this?" Replies: "Stabbing Westward." She says this to every group though. It's kinda funny. I miss my mom. She is such a busy woman and is never at home. I'm starting wonder if she doesn' t like me. Hahaha. I hope that isn't so!
I have nothing more interesting to say. I like pears. Have you heard about The Pear torture device...all I can say is OUCH! I can't explain what it does bacause it makes me hurt.
I have issues. I think most of you know that by now. I am searching for something and not really know what I'm searching for. Probably, something directly involving love and acceptance I'm sure. I wish I could figure me out. I was happy last week, now I'm down in the dumps. Ugh...a roller coaster. Whatever...
I added a new guestbook...yes, the other one still exists but not on this journal right now. I'm thinking of changing the background. I can't decide because the background I like does this annoying thing when you scroll up and down the screen...also, there is no place on the side to add links...which is quite upsetting. I like links. Especially my links. I bought Pete Yorn - Music for the Morning After. It's really good. Somebody sorta recommended it to me in a very indirect way. Actually they just said Pete Yorn was good. Also, he's sorta kinda cute in that rock 'n roll kind of way. I like musicians. I think we all know this by now. I really do. ;-)
It's the fucking weekend. I am a ska freak that likes to skank on the weekend. That might already be in here somewhere, but it's so funny I decided to put it here again. It describes me so well. Hahaha. Some people don' t know what skanking is...which is sad...I love to skank though I don' t do it well. It's the dance you do to ska music. I am wearing my favorite shirt. It's sleeveless, it's the star tank...kinda like a muscle tee sorta thing...cause it's not really like a real tank top. But I really like it, so I'm wearing it way too much lately. It gives me an excuse to shave under my arms. I'm sure everyone wanted to hear about that. Shaving sux. I hate it. But I do it. Well, sometimes. I am too fucking honest. That's what makes my journal so fucking good. I like the word FUCK! So I can't be Melissa Auf de Maur...cause her shup me up says, "I fuck, but I don't say fuck." Maybe we are opposites and somehow that makes me like her. I have no clue. Alrighty...this is getting quite out of hand. I was just suppose to update you on the new guestbook.
Oh, updated Skyler's blog page...this is his livejournal, which he writes in more frequently. It's ok. Skyler is a good writer. I have no clue about Kate's. She is a strange one. I don't understand her because she used pronouns and I use stupid nicknames that most people can figure out with some ounce of a brain, but oh well...yet again instant rambling.
Ok, goodnight fuckers!
I prefer cats to dogs. I have two cats...two black cats...Tuffy and Barbara. I didn't name Barbara. She is Tuffy's mom. She, Barbara, had four kittens. Two boys and two girls...Yochek, Hercules, Thumbelina, and Tuffy. We gave two away and kept two. All the kittens were black too. My mom liked this a lot, since she likes things to match. My mom likes everyone's items to match their outfit...likes shoes and purse and jewelry...it's kinda a lot to handle sometimes. I love it though...it's what makes mom...MOM. Hahaha.
I also have a dog too. We found him outside of a grocery store called Tom Thumb. He is part Jack Russell Terrior and part some other kind of terrior. He has spots and we make fun of him...and ask who his mother was. He just kinda smiles at us like dogs like to do. I miss my dog. He's great. He has fleas and lately he has been barking at them like this..."grrr, grrr." Pretty funny. He also rubs his butt up and down against the sofa. It's really quite funny.
I know that lately my posts have been about the past. I'm just being nostalgic I guess. I spelled that wrong. I miss these things and being young. Plus, you guys don't really know much about me. Not that I have a huge fan base or anything, but I like to mix up my posts a little bit. Keep it fresh. Me and the Soulmate are "good friends" now...whatever the hell that means. I enjoy him. I wish things didn't have to change...I'm not sure if they did...other than we probably won't fool around anymore. I'll miss that. I love his lips. I'm sure that everyone wants to read about that, but it's true. Of course I haven't kissed a whole bucket load of guys either. So who knows? I'm confused.