Monday, February 25, 2002
Someone told me last night to pray to God for myself. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. That doesn't comfort me at all. I guess, because I believe that I decide my own decisions. That there is not something that I can pray to and have that feel better for me. Releasing my worries on something that I'm not sure is there is not comforting. I wish it was. It would make life a lot easier. Maybe I would be a lot less confused. I just can't. I think I need to seek out a religion for me. Either one that I make to fit my needs or something like Buddhism or something Eastern thinking type thing. Maybe I should just crawl into a tree in the Common and sit there for eternity. When you smell me, just pull me out of the branches.
The Soulmate. It's unfortunate that he makes me both so happy and so sad. I think I would get over him if forced, but not really "get over" him. I can't. It's not easy. He was not just some sort of thing that happened. He's someone that I care for a lot. So much that I would jeopardize my own happiness to see his. Unfortunately, his happiness does not include me. I love being his friend. I love hearing what he has to say. We have differences, but frankly I can't remember why we couldn't be together other than the fact is that he doesn't love me. That there was one before him that he loved. The feelings I have for him are intense. Let's just say I don't want to forget about him. What if there is only one soulmate that you meet in your life? What if that soulmate is only a one-sided thing. He is the only boy that I've actually wanted to be with. To be seen with. I am not ashamed of him. It seems that everyother boy that I've been with I've been scared to be with, either because he was dweeby or just not someone that I should be with, but denied the fact that I shouldn't be. The Soulmate and I may never talk again. I hope this is not the case, even if it hurts to know that I cannot have him. I've been denying that within myself. I wish he would read this and understand what I feel for him. I'm scared to death for him to read this though, because this may make him run away from me more than he already is doing. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I will take the Soulmate any way he wants to give himself to me. Be that as a friend or some version of that. I just don't want him to go forever. I am not happy that he broke up with his girlfriend. Of course not. I just wish that sometimes the best things in life are right there and you need to take the chances and consequences to reach them. A relationship does not start with love, that is something that grows.
Why am I so lost?
¶ 2:57 PM
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The Soulmate. It's unfortunate that he makes me both so happy and so sad. I think I would get over him if forced, but not really "get over" him. I can't. It's not easy. He was not just some sort of thing that happened. He's someone that I care for a lot. So much that I would jeopardize my own happiness to see his. Unfortunately, his happiness does not include me. I love being his friend. I love hearing what he has to say. We have differences, but frankly I can't remember why we couldn't be together other than the fact is that he doesn't love me. That there was one before him that he loved. The feelings I have for him are intense. Let's just say I don't want to forget about him. What if there is only one soulmate that you meet in your life? What if that soulmate is only a one-sided thing. He is the only boy that I've actually wanted to be with. To be seen with. I am not ashamed of him. It seems that everyother boy that I've been with I've been scared to be with, either because he was dweeby or just not someone that I should be with, but denied the fact that I shouldn't be. The Soulmate and I may never talk again. I hope this is not the case, even if it hurts to know that I cannot have him. I've been denying that within myself. I wish he would read this and understand what I feel for him. I'm scared to death for him to read this though, because this may make him run away from me more than he already is doing. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I will take the Soulmate any way he wants to give himself to me. Be that as a friend or some version of that. I just don't want him to go forever. I am not happy that he broke up with his girlfriend. Of course not. I just wish that sometimes the best things in life are right there and you need to take the chances and consequences to reach them. A relationship does not start with love, that is something that grows.
Why am I so lost?
¶ 2:57 PM
|
