I might be a big baby. I might be a big jerk. I might not know what I want. But never again will I trust a boy with my heart.

I write in the moment and sometimes my moments change in seconds. I will regret this later.

Night. I'm going to cry and listen to Bright Eyes. He understands.  
¶ 3:27 AM |

  um, i wish i could say i was sad about it but i'm not. i guess you lose.

(wow, amazing what lies you will tell to yourself, eh?)

really. i'm not feeling anything but a huge ball in my chest of tears waiting to climb their way out.

thanks again.

do you want to fuck? me too. LET'S GET IT ON! who is that for? yes, not you. 
¶ 2:56 AM |

  Wow. Where are all these parties? I'm only invited to one. Sigh...at least it's not a party of one.

You'll be very popular this week — we're talking Osbornes popular, J. Lo popular, even Chia Pet popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every New Year's party you were invited to, as well as the one you wish you were invited to. Your New Year's resolution: Party like it's 1999!
 
¶ 12:16 AM |

  SK called. I like when he does. It has impeccable timing. Being vague is my new hobby.

"I felt like a real writer when I put my laptop outside of the bathtub and started typing away."
~James Iha

Alright, I’ve decided again to have a zine. I’m looking for YOU to help me. I need writers. I need some content folks and I can’t do it all myself. I need names. Right now this is what it’s called:

The Special Patrol Group
(Do you know a zine by that name that already exists? Let me know. Thanks)

I’m looking for poetry. Prose. Illustrations. Photography. Everything. Email me your stuff now!! Skapunk13@alloymail.com. I need to let off steam. What about you? Rants, ramblings, and idle dribble accepted. It takes all kinds. I’m really interested in having a focus around music, so if that’s your thing…GOOD GOOD GOOD. I need it. I want it. I am here to display your work. It should hit about two cities, possibly more if I send copies to friends. Boston. Dallas. Olympia. Seattle. If a certain nice little SK could do me a sweet little favor…well, he’s got the shows and I’ve got the “goods.”

I’m waiting for things to settle down. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable at home? I don’t. Where is home? Why aren’t I at home? I’m lost. I need someone to come grab my hand and lead me to where I’m supposed to be. I need a pep talk. I need Diana “yes men” to follow me around nodding to help further my denial. I’ve started to spend too much time in Hot Topic. I dyed my hair blue again. Blue, green, and purple. I was in the grocery store today and a girl said, “She has blue hair!” Great, finally noticed. Also, in the bookstore today someone said, “That’s what my hair was supposed to look like.” I’m looking for a good tattoo place. Let’s get tattoos and start a band. *laughs* If I could only sing. I’m meant to do something with music. How can someone love something so passionately and just completely ignore it? What is my passion? Where is my destination? I am on a mission to stop soul searching and just start trusting how things fall around me. I’m going to succumb to the misery and let it sink deep within my bones. Let’s watch as I stick my head in the oven. Nothing and everything makes me sad. Nothing works out and I’m pretty tired of just breezing by and not making sense of everything. It all goes by so fast and I can’t ever catch the coattails.

It’s good that I don’t know how to drive. I would go head first into a wall and end this forever. NO. I’m all talk folks. I like to romanticize the thoughts of suicide. I’ll never let myself end it because frankly I enjoy the pain. Actually, I don’t feel anything anymore. One second…contentment…the next second…I feel nothing. It’s the nothing feeling that I hate the most. I see all these amazing things happen around me. I sit and I do…nothing. I feel like the biggest loser and only I can make the difference. Why am I scared to do anything? That’s where the yes men come into play.

I’m waiting for someone to make sense of this nonsense. Each day I’m falling more into my head. Soon, it will be all imagination and no reality. That’s when they’ll lock me up and you’ll have to feed me mushed up carrots through tubes. I’ll sleep and maybe you’ll visit.

This is sad because I don’t know what I believe anymore. I feel like sometimes I don’t know what I actually believe anymore. I just feel this “blahness” seeping in and I don’t like it and then I have the obsessions that make me feel like not losing it. Robots. Dr. Who. Music. The Young Ones. Mods. Vespas. Sugar cookies. Hipsters. Bohemians. Indie rockers. It all begins to make sense but I can’t make sense of myself. I live through you because I can’t live through me. I AM LOST. Come dig me out. Kay…thanks…bye.

You and I are something that will never be. I might like you as a figment of my imagination. Are you actually real? *pinch* I am. I wish you were here to be with me. It might make sense. I don’t know why.

Pick numbers. I’m not letting anyone else in anymore. Fight for last call as I’m going fast into the mindset of insanity. Better get here before it’s too late.
 
¶ 12:09 AM |

  For some reason I think I should start the SeanRoman fan club as I'm starting to be a huge promoter for him. He's neat. Super super neat. Neat as um..er...(insert somethign cool here.)

Dr. Who is my new thing. Really...it's one of the best shows on PBS! Also, The Young Ones. Mmm mmm good. Mom has good taste.

Stolen from you guessed it...SeanRoman.

1. Name: Diana
2. Nicknames: um...Di...Homie D...Dee...many many...no not really
3. Sex: female
4. Birthdate: 9-9-81
5. How old do you really look: 16
6. Shoe size: 8
7. Height: 5'1"
8. Grade: ugh...14th...hehe
9. Eye Color: blah blah brown
10. Hair Color: brown with blue streaks
11. Hair Length: neck
12. School: Emerson College
13. Body Modifications: one scar and um...i want a tattoo...oh, i have a birthmark...most of these are natural
14. Ever been involved with the police: um...ticketed for not wearing a fucking seatbelt
15. Best thing you've done this year: cried
16. Worst thing you have done this year: um...the nervous breakdown. WENTWORTH hook-ups.
17. What shampoo do you use: pantene
18. Do you have any pets: 2 kitties and 1 doggie
19. Favorite day of the week: yeah...friday, cliche
20: Favorite holiday: undecided
21. Favorite memory: telling sk that i loved him
22. Favorite candy: gummie bears
23. Favorite thing in your room: my bed
24. Favorite food: potatoes...all kinds
25. Favorite drink: hot tea
26. Favorite restaurant: authentic japanese food in Boston...don't know the name
27. Favorite CD/record: now...Nirvana Nevermind
28. Favorite song: Le Le Low - Hot Hot Heat
29. Favorite radio station: MIT radio in Boston
30. Favorite ice cream: jamaican rum
31. Favorite thing to do on weekends: s-l-e-e-p
32. Favorite season: fall
33. Favorite physical characteristic about yourself: hair
34. Favorite personality trait about yourself: honesty
35. Favorite sport: ice hockey/soccer
36. Favorite hangout: Harvard Square
37. Favorite toppings on pizza: cheese?
38. Favorite sesame street character: um...Barkley...wait...Slimey (that worm, you know)
39. Do you believe in aliens: um...maybe.
40. Do you believe in yourself: sometimes but mostly never
41. Do you believe in reincarnation: yup
42. Do you believe in love at first sight: god yes
43. Do you have a religion: taoism...maybe
45. If you could have any occupation: rock star/writer for SPIN or various other musical monthlies
46. Your dream car: VESPA
47. Your dream house: is in Chicago
48. What age do you want to get married: um...soon...*cough cough*
49. How many kids do you want: nope...not doing this.
50. What will you name your kids: haha...but i do have names: Lucas and Hope
51. Have you ever named your goldfish: YES, of course...one was D'arcy and other Billy
52. Have you ever sat through an entire dawson's creek episode: yes, the entire first season. yes, i'm ashamed.
53. UH...the QUESTION WAS LIKE DELETED BUT I WAS LIKE DEFINATELY ONE OF SEAN'S ANSWERS.
54. What do you wear to bed: pajama pants and a t-shirt
55. What's your bedtime: 4 am...on a good night
56. Do you wish on stars: yes...i thrive on disappointment
57. Is there a TV in your room: haha...yes. does it work, no.
58. What is the last thing you do before you fall asleep: read
59. Person who knows the most about you: everyone...no one
60. Any siblings: Miss Sarah aged 14 and annoying as fuck
61. Furthest you've been away from home: I don't have a home.
62. How many schools have you attended: 7...from Preschool till College...um, and two of those are the same school with a different name
63. Do you get along with your parents: hmm...with my mom
64. Who is your 2nd family: my friends...i seek comfort in many of the wrong people.
65. Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
67: Your favorite halloween costume: i was a kick ass SEXY bat this year.
68. Do you play any music instrument: um...kazoo
69. Do you glow in the dark: um...unfortunately not
70. Do you possess magical abilities: i can make you hate me after being my friend for a while...wow, sean and i share this ability...my friends even move awa72. Can you 71. Can youname all the members of N'sync: sadly, i think so. Justin, Chris, JC, Lance, and um..er...fuck.
FUCK...did I accidentally erase this one??
73. Can you name all the members of BSB: let's see...Kevin, Brian, Nick, ...um...i forgot
74. Favorite color: blue and green...hehe...two
75. Favorite television show: DR. WHO
76. Favorite pants: flares from a long long time ago
77. Favorite shirt: Thursday
78. Favorite store: Newbury Comics
79. Favorite pop: like soda...um...Dr. Pepper
80. Favorite actor: Johnny Depp
81. Favorite actress: Thora Birch
82. Favorite music artist: Ryan Adams
83. Favorite group: Smashing Pumpkins
84. Favorite type of music: lo-fi indie emo alternative
85. Favorite movie: Edward Scissorhands/Fight Club
86. Favorite person in real life: uh...Geerah
87. Favorite person on the net: SK, sean
88. Least favorite person in real life: many
89. Least favorite person on the net: er...i don't know...MARK...hahahaha...that's probably not true though. i hate everyone.
90. Least favorite television show: uh...7th Heaven
91. Least favorite type of music: Gangsta Rap...maybe
92. Least favorite song: anything on top 40 radio...anything by CREED
93. Least favorite movie: um...America's Sweethearts
94. Least favorite group: Creed
95. What are you most known for: being whiny...haha
96. What is your talent: apologies
97. If a friend was to describe you, what would they say: "not the norm"..."superflouous"
98. Have you ever been suspended or expelled: <~~NERD...so never.
99. Your greatest fear: being alone...FOREVER
100. Best Accomplishment: keeping friends

Hmm...I keep getting phone calls. Amazing phone calls from the SK. I'm not sure what to think of them. Also, I got a random email today telling me to join this club. So I did. They probably won't let me in. Story of my life. www.cultzero.com I'll tell you if I get on it or not. My username lostinthestars. I need to get on madradhair. I miss hugging. I miss being close to someone. I think I might miss people from the past that fucked me over. This is way disappointing.

You know what? I'm pretty sure you are right. I don't know what I want. I'm going to lock myself up in the closet and not come out. It'll be lonely but I'll survive. I'll become that super geek that I always say I am. Doing well in school should be a priority. Being in a lo-fi indie supergroup should be the least of my worries. Damn. It's scary in here. Come hold my hand? 
¶ 3:31 AM |

  Um...so today is probably one of the most amazing days of my life. Well, despite it being a shitty Christmas and being flooded with horrible wooden toys (thoughtful yes, useful no) from Germany from my Father...some good things have come. Why do I feel 12 and not 21? It probably has to do with seeing the Harry Potter movie and well, getting wooden toys for Christmas. Sigh.

<~~Look over there at that tagbook baby!! Um, yeah...so, will this boy actually deliver on the Sean Dack goods? I'm not sure but I knew that mentioning him would get me somewhere. Look, it did. The Hipster Brigade is finally starting to pay off. That's a bit scary that other people read this thing. Now I feel embarassed.

I have much more to write but I tell you one thing...I'm not sure how much this modem shit is costing me right now so I should probably scram considering I've had 3 hours to update this and instead just spent most of it writing two email. Two lousy emails. Ok, they totalled 10k together but still. Just two. That's pretty sad. You know what? AIM is an addictive beast. Damn you AIM! 
¶ 1:56 AM |

  You let your away messages do the talking. I like that about you. There's something comforting in knowing that even when we don't talk you are still talking. Blah. That sounded like I was on crack or something.

Cold is starting to kick in again. And I have to be on a plane for four hours? Jeez. I have the greatest fucking luck.

It starts as an itch at the back of my throat, then it slowly sits there, then it explodes. HACK HACK!! I do not enjoy this one bit. I'm probably on ten types of medication now. Well, not ten but several. Three...that's still way too many.

I'm not going to no stinking doctor though. Nope. No doctor for me.  
¶ 10:52 AM |

  I've having flashes of hot and cold. This room has incredible weather patterns or perhaps it's this terrible cold I have. Great, I have to suffer a plane ride with much hacking and sneezing. Having coughing fits is way not fun. Though I'm pretty sure it's not meant to be.

I'm leaving on Wednesday for Dallas. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not sure how I feel about anything. My limbs hurt again and I don't know what to take to make me feel better. I took robitussin and I took tylenol sinus and hours ago I took tylenol cold. Nothing is helping. I think I might just whack myself out tonight so I can get to bed. I fell asleep for about 15 minutes. Yay! Sleep is blissful.

More later when I'm not in a cold induced state. Probably won't have many updates over break but we'll see what the ole Diana can kick out for ya. I rock like that. I mean you would miss me right? 
¶ 12:16 AM |

  yeah, sometimes i post thing in my blog so it won't delete off of shitty servers like on livejournal and then i erase it here. sorry. go look it up if you are so damn curious. it erased my good profile. the bastards. 
¶ 12:16 AM |

  My old livejournal interests:

beulah, chomsky, converse all-stars, ghost world, green tea, high fidelity, indie, indie boys, john cusack, johnny depp, jude law, less than jake, mest, mod, nick hornby, our lady peace, pagan kennedy, phantom planet, plastilina mosh, poetry, punk, punk rock boys, reel big fish, ryan adams, short stories, ska, smashing pumpkins, studded belts, tavis werts, the deathray davies, the gadjits, the hippos, the monkees, the strokes, thora birch, weezer, whiskeytown, white stripes, www.maketoutclub.com

not that you care. not that i ever use it. i am hungry. 
¶ 11:52 PM |

  hours pass and i'm still awake. i feel numb. apathetic. i often feel this way. i hate who i am. who i became. the decisions i decided to make. everything has consequence. diana, you must think hard on each thing you say. you never regret but you live in a world of denial. all will be better. no hoping. no praying. no turning to others. this is a battle within yourself. you and only you can find the key. you hold the key inside your black heart. does it even work anymore? it's decaying inside and rust inside your bloodstream is staining your sheets. they call it blood, i call it memories. i remember when all i said was true and now even i can't tell the lies from the truths. who have i become? how did i become so lost. where am i? where is that lost little girl? i have to go back to kindergarten and watch her through the windows finger painting and eating kraft cheese slices and animal crackers. there she is. look, you have found her. no, only a mirage. only a faded image that i have long past put behind me.

all i want to be is numb. i don't want to feel because feeling hurts too much. i try so hard and i'm tired of trying. i don't want it to work. i feel like a new born. a gorilla dumped on the streets of new york to fend for itself. it can't. i can't. we all can't cope. that's the stupidest analogy ever. oh well. i made my point.

i don't even cry anymore. it's gotten to the point where i want to care. i try to care but i can't. i'm just all used up. i don't know what you're looking for anymore. i can't give it to you. i tried. all i can be is diana. simple giddy girl with a plan. or no plan as the case may be. too tired. cannot go on. you sucked me dry and now i want to give up but it feels so wrong. why? i'm not sure. i don't have explanations for everything like you want me to. i don't. i can't explain why giving up is easier than trying. i guess i'm tired of the non-believing. i'm even tired of this ambigious dialogue. we just keep having the same fights.

i don't want to fight anymore.

i have my own fights now. come to me when you feel like accepting who i am. 
¶ 4:28 AM |

  I'm pretty sure that I hate everyone.

When I first came to Emerson I use to confuse emo boys with indie boys. Now, I can tell the difference. I always had a thing for the emo boys. Those sensitive lads willing to give so much to be with the one girl of their dreams. I'm not that one girl. I'm just a girl. And that's all I'll ever be. Yes, No Doubt rules. I try so hard to gain attention and just live without falling apart. I'm the first one to understand my fragile nature. Some people will never understand and most fit in that category. I'm needy and I'm searching for someone to fill a void. I want someone to want me just as badly as I want them. If you aren't willing to show me that then I'm probably a shitty choice of a girl. I'm not sure why most like me anyways. It's a lot easier to be alone and deny myself all pleasures. I'm really tired of people being fake and not caring. I'm tired of spilling myself out to them and worrying if they care or not. I guess once if never enough. I know that I make bad choices. I love bad choices. I strive on bad choices. Basically, I love living in one big bad choice. I would feel lost if things fell into place. I really don't want things to work out.

I also need constant reassurance. I need someone there to make up for what I lost as a child. I lost my parents. I had to grow up so early. I had to take care of my sister...all me and no one else. My mom talked to me as a confidant from age 16. It's hard not having a mom. My mom is my best friend and it's hard to be both. She's an excellent mom and she still treats me as a daughter but our relationship is so much more than that.

I don't know what I want. That's true. You remind me of my mother. That's not a good thing. I thought it was at one point but right now, I'll go on loving you and you can go on telling yourself how emo you are and I'll stay here lost in my indie pop and ska happy ways. You are way quick to jump at conclusions as am I. We're too strong and not understanding of each other. I don't know what to do. I'm not a strong person though. I'm someone that is trying to be independent and I am someone that wants to be grown up but I don't need you telling me how to live. I know what I want to do. If you don't want me around, well fine...just tell me to fuck it. Don't hide behind ambiguity. I get that all the time. My life is beyond a metaphor of cliched phrases.

I'll use you in my next story and I'll email it over as a gift. Oh, by the way...emo boys don't make other girls cry. I'm not crying. Emo boys are also sensitive. Go live in your broodiness and I think we're going to have to be friends. I still love you. I always will. A fight is a fight. We have had lots. We crash and knock heads a lot. I'm a different person and you aren't willing to embrace that I am not one of your "single attractive smoking joke-making friends." Fine. I don't care.

We all know this is a lie and a thing I have come to know as DENIAL and PARANOIA. My two closest friends. I'll talk to you once I get on a prescription. 
¶ 1:43 AM |

  if its:
thursday night- im either talking to sabrina or sleeping....
friday- im in boston visiting emerson and the art institute of boston..if you are kathryn wondering about the duckhunt show tonight i will call you when i get home and we'll go.
you can call or leeve one.
hi sean:-)
«««««««««««««
those stars are for diana:-) hehe

well, if those looked like stars that would make my day!! Ashleigh rocks my world!!!! 
¶ 9:18 PM |

  Christmas List: the addition...books...lots of books...books by j.d. salinger...yeah, Catcher in the Rye...i know i should have read it by now, i haven't. give a girl a break and get it for me. also...OKGo the CD. 
¶ 9:31 AM |

  Guess what? I'm having a nervous breakdown. If you want to help support me, I could really use the moral support. 
¶ 9:53 PM |

  Do I take quizzes to procrastinate? Yeah, most definately. Have I taken all these quizzes previously. Of course.

I am 55% Emo

Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

Take the Emo Test at fuali.com

I am 35% Punk Rock

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com

I am 35% Geek

You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

I am 41% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

I am 39% Internet Addict

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com

I am 36% Metal Head

Most other metal-heads acknowledge my presence, but they laugh at me behind my back. Maybe I need to stop spending all that money on haircuts and invest in a few Pantera T-shirts.

Take the Metal Head Test at fuali.com

I am 60% Ska

Well, maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I shouldn't forget my roots, and remember that punk and reggae wouldn't exist without ska.

Take the Ska Test at fuali.com

I am 60% Tortured Artist

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

I am 61% Grunge

I am pretty dirty, all right and, I reek of teen spirit... I would sell my own children for a moldy hotpocket, man.

Take the Grunge Test at fuali.com

So, I'm a scummy tortured artist who likes to skank. Well, that explains why everyone calls me unique. (I still don't eat moldy hot pockets even I have my limits.) 
¶ 1:11 PM |

  HOT HOT HEAT. Mmm...can't get much better than post-punk.

So, here I am...I have so much to do and no motivation to do it anymore. I don't want to go home nor do I want to stay here. I realize that I just hate a lot of people. I think sometimes that a lot of the problems that I have are fictionalized. I'm probably a huge drama queen in disguise. I crave some sort of attention. I just can't find what I want. I don't know and that's the truth. I just knew that once upon a time there was a time that I was happy. I can't remember when it was but I think it was a long long time ago.

You are my artificial happiness. Good luck.

Diana's Christmas List:

Old Navy Pajama pants in Medium (because I'm not sure what size I wear)
Socks (wow...look how lame I am. Not WHITE. Argyle would make my day and well, I really want knee highs.)
Pot. a COOKING pot.
Mug (for hot chocolate in my room, not to mention the option for hot tea)
Polaroid Camera/Camera with a zoom that isn't too big so I can sneak it into shows
White belt
belt buckles
typewriter
record player, especially one of those cute ones that you can carry around with you aka portable
i can never have too many pens, post-its or lip gloss
stuffed animals: swan or giraffe
CDs:
Nirvana (Nevermind...probably the last person in the world not to own this CD)
Silverchair (Neon Ballroom and Freak Show)
White Stripes (De Stilj)
Ryan Adams bootlegs
Smashing Pumpkins Vieuphoria Sdtk (necessity for the collection)
The Deathray Davies - The Return of the Drunk Ventriloquist and Drink with the Grown-ups and L
something punk...since I talk about it so much but don't actually listen to it at all. i got the ska-punk covered though. i'm open to suggestions. 
¶ 12:32 PM |

  yeah, i'm feeling so many things right now that i can't explain. i don't think i need to explain them as they are there and just exist. sometimes things give make you nautious thinking about them too much. i'm on hiatus again, that way i won't lose my mind. surely, we all know how often that happens to me. how my mind...well, has a mind of it's own.

despite being called unpassionate i think i would call myself the most passionate person alive. when i thrive and put myself towards a goal, i see little else. i understand that i have all the time in the world. I MUST NOT RUSH THINGS. i must learn to observe things how they are and just step back instead of hammering the situation to death.

isn't it funny when you do something for the second time but less people are there and not the same people that were there the first time. and how this time you wish they were there with you. the tables have turned and i would have loved to see you all dressed up. my date. a table for two with crackers and CHEESE to accompany my whine.

for someone so emo shouldn't you use to complaining? that's all emo kids do. complain how they are alone and how they wish they had someone to share their pain with. "oh, woe is me." drama, that's what being emo is about...nowadays.

interested in my SECRET club? email me why i should pick you. skafunkmelt@hotmail.com 
¶ 3:12 AM |

  right...so there's this new secret hush hush group that i'm a part of now. psst...come over here. yeah...closer. HAHA!! i can't tell you. go ask Luther for the special confirmation code than come talk to me. there's a five hour exam you have to past. it's all opinion and my opinion is the one that decides if you stay or not.

1) the first rule of this hush hush group is that you cannot talk about it
2) you cannot ask questions
3) you cannot tell lies
4) everything i say goes, you must trust in my wholly

yeah, it's sorta like being in the indie scene but we're better. 
¶ 12:56 AM |

  true love lasts? sure the fuck it does.

I want you to be with me while I get my first tattoo. Hold my hand and tell me it's alright. Wipe away my tears and smile at me. I need that sort of encouragement. Then we can go eat Thai. You can get curry chicken and I'll eat Broccoli in oyster sauce, which yeah is meat. I know it. I'm not a very vigalant vegetarian. It's one of my faults. No one said that I was a full on vegetarian. I just don't eat burgers and meat and stuff all whole. I'm a bloody hypocrite but really...who isn't?

i'm not obsessed. i'm just consumed. lustlustlustlustlust. 
¶ 12:19 AM |

  I'm already acting as if you were lost and that's just not true. You are here and I am here and I'm just scared like all people become scared. Wow. I've taken on the Derekness of writing. Vague. 
¶ 3:29 AM |

  My sorry attempt at "zen" Haiku:

blood drops from split lips
a puddle unforgiven
will i ever know?

vanilla coke can
bubbles fizz and i feel calm
waiting for you here

CD skips again
repeating the fiasco
do you still care now?

arms held the glue there
fictionalized daydream hearts
it's all real now, right?

scratching skin below
unearthing all that is true
truth is the appeal

out of the bubble
discovering what is there
content seeks simple

once there is a truth
will you still hold my hand tight?
senseless provoking

mouthing sweet whispers
gummi bear dreams and jello
thoughts consumed of you 
¶ 2:41 AM |

  You are simply amazing. Let's talk soon and figure things out, k? I never wanted to hurt you.

Sometimes you realize how little things really matter. That material things are not everything. How sick Christmas makes me. I hate how we don't buy gifts out of love anymore but we buy them because we must. We buy them to show up other parents, spouses, siblings. Sorry, folks...not this year. I'm ignoring that. I've always been a really thoughtful giver of gifts. I don't have a lot to spend but I want to try and get something a little of something. I love making things and I try my best to give things that will have a special meaning to someone. Something that's more than a gift. Something that will last and not be tossed in the corner or at least showed I made some sort of effort. I do. I bought my sister and mom presents today. I also ate Indian food. Mmm...though Indian is better with two and I was lacking the one person that I wanted to be there. I would do anything to be with him right now. I have to wait until I go back in December though. Then we'll be able to spend good times together. That sounded sappy. Well, I certainly am good at that. 
¶ 11:32 PM |

  When I work at least I feel distracted. I hate not having a real job because that leaves my mind to think about the petty and the future. Those two things pretty are sure to bring a person down with a bad case of the worries. Worrying just makes you older. Actually, I wish I could fast forward 7 years and wake up happily married. I seek companionship and I think it's frightening how often I think about how marriage would make me happy. I know that it won't. You can only be happy if you are compatible but I think the thought of marriage doesn't scare me like it use to now. I find it comforting. I just know that I better be damn sure because I don't want to be another divorce statistic.

Ideally, I'm searching for someone to be there. Someone that isn't scare to challenge me. Someone that I feel totally comfortable with at all times. Someone that I can just sit there and stare into their eyes and be content in silence. I'm not one for a lot of adventure. I'm probably as boring as they come. Give me a few lo-fi indie cds and I'm pretty content. Music is important to me and I think it has to be important to who I am wanting to be with. We don't have to like the same things. I want to be able to learn from them. I want to be able to share every single idea that comes in my mind and not be embarassed. I want to be able to talk about what things I've always wanted to do. This person much get along with my mother. They must likes animals. I want to do those things like cook and take care of the house. Not all the time but I think I would find comfort in it. I don't want someone that is never home. I want to be able to spend time together. We should be able to go to shows together. Shows are important. Actually, I'm more interested in how massive your record collection is that how big your...er...yeah is. I want you to be able to share things with me because what's the point otherwise. If we can't be honest than there is no point. I dream a lot and I want to share. Spotaniety is nice. I am like that. I take adventure in small doses. I just am like, "let's go to the zoo." and then we go and spend the whole day there. Carnivals are important too. Those small town carnivals. I love those. Used bookstores. Books are nice. Someone to read next too. I want you to share all the things we read. I want to have book clubs. I want to learn from you and so most importantly, you must be wordly. I like road trips and traveling. Lately, I've had fascinations with the desert. I think because I've never been to one. I think that would give me inspiration as a writer. I want to go to amusement parks. I haven't been to a Disney themed park. I want to go. Hah. That would be a funny honeymoon. Europe. I want to explore Europe. I want to go to Japan. I want to go back to Okinawa. I want to watch a lot of foreign films. I like holding hands in the theater. I want us to take our dog for a walk together. If we don't have a dog...well, I want us to take walks together and night and just sit in the park on the swings and hold hands. I don't wnat someone that thinks they have to impress me. I want someone that thinks on their own but I also someone that likes company. I don't like to be alone. I can be quiet and sit with you but I am someone that likes attention. I like cuddling and holding onto each other. I like public displays of affection. I like people watching. I like making snide comments about how people are dressed in the mall. I like the feeling of getting drunk when it's first settling in. I don't like chocolate. I like strawberry cake. Someone that won't make fun of the braces I want to get when I'm in my mid-twenties. I want to be able to paint your nails. I want someone that tells me when I look good. I want someone that takes compliments and doesn' say sorry all the time. I hate when people apologize for no reason. You must like foods from all around the world, especially thai, japanese, and indian. I go insane without samosas. I like eating out. I like playing footsie under the table. I'm kinky, get over it. I enjoy foreplay but I am deathly afraid of a bad performance. On my part. I'm scared of rejection. I like reassurance (which I'm sure everyone does). I like jello, just generally. I like pudding. Butterscotch. When I get married I want to just have a silver band. I will wear your ring because my parents don't have rings. I think that's really important. I want a lot of photo albums. Taking pictures is a lot of fun. I hate when you travel abroad and you pose for pictures in front of things like the Empire State Building or something like that. I think that's cheesy. I really like hamsters. I really like cats. Yes, pets are important. It must be because I think I mentioned it twice. I am an electic packrat that has a passion for making art projects. I like to change my hair a lot. I really enjoy dancing to loud music aka rocking out. Air guitar is sexy as hell. Hahaha. I think getting tattooed together would be amazing. I don't regret things I've done. I regret things I don't do. You only live once. I like lots of fruit. We should have lots of fruit in the house. Cereal as well. 2% milk. I like to read lots of independent music magazine and cut out the pictures to put up on my walls. Don't get jealous if I have stupid crushes on people like Ryan Adams. Hah...that won't happen. I like clocks. I'm paranoid and I know I have OCD (to some degree). I really like plaid. I like argyle as well. Thrift shopping is an amazing past time. I really like knick knacks and I seem to thrive in clutter though I really like things simple. I have a thing for modern furniture...look in an Ikea catalogue. I love cartoons. I have a thing for comics. I always wanted to collect comic books and read them. I like scary movies but I'm a huge wimp. I have a big imagination and I think I like to make a lot of what most people would seem really eccentric type things up. I'm way out there sometimes. I like history -- the crusades, WWII (though admittedly i got this from my mother), and the French Revolution. I would read more if I had the time. I shouldn't use that as an excuse. I'm really interested in philosophy. I want to be a japanese major.

Alright, this list is gone out of control. I don't know what it means anymore. It's just here and I think I needed to vent. It took me an hour to write. Oh, I'm a pretty passionate person and slightly spur of the moment thinker. I often don't get my point across very well because my brain doesn't work in order. It's jumbled. I don't know why. I have a thing for new wave and the 80s. The Smiths rock my world. Thanks James Iha! Always go with what you know.  
¶ 1:53 AM |

  It's sad when you start repeating the same quizzes over and over. I can't remember things anymore. That's definately not a good sign.
 
¶ 1:15 AM |

 
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
¶ 1:12 AM |

  What tragic Shakespearian Heroine Am I?


* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
brought to you by Quizilla

Romeo and Juliet's: Juliet - The daughter of Capulet and Lady Capulet. A beautiful thirteen-year-old girl, Juliet begins the play as a naïve child who has thought little about love and marriage. She grows up quickly, though upon falling in love with Romeo, the son of her family's great enemy. Though she loves Romeo as profoundly as he loves her, Juliet nevertheless demonstrates a more level and sober head than does her paramour. Until a falling out near the end of the play, the Nurse is Juliet's closest, and, it seems, only confidante and friend. She fakes her death upon being ordered into an unwanted marrige and Romeo, thinking Juliet dead, kills himself in her tomb. Upon awakening and seeing Romeo dead, Juliet stabs herself with Romeo's dagger.  
¶ 1:04 AM |

  miss nikki asked me if i was happy. sure, why not. i am happy. right? well, i was. now it's all settling in and it's sorta sad but i'm not unhappy. i'm just a little taken aback. that's not exactly it either. not taken aback. i feel good. i feel in doubt. i am drinking away my troubles with dr. pepper. not troubles. why am i being so careful? i'm starting again.

i'm having issues of doubt not within myself because now writing this i know those feelings are still there. i just know that if this happens again where it ends up one-sided that i will probably most likely crawl into a hole and die. i will transfer schools. i will transfer names. i will transfer and become a new person. it seems that if i am myself that no one likes me. i guess there's a reason for that but i can't help who i am. i am what i am, as popeye says. i can't help that. i don't take anything back that i said. i meant it all. you mean the world to me. you mean the stars to me. you are the closest i've been to being happy with anyone. i'm glad you are confused and i'm glad you feel bad because when you feel guilt about something it shows you care. well, or else you have good morals. i understand the doubts. i understand the situation sucks. if it works, awesome. if it doesn't, well then we were both wrong. i just hope that we are still friends and i'm pretty sure we will be. that's just ridiculous if we aren't. i see your faults. you've made me cry more than once. it's funny somtimes because i realize that when i talk to you i feel like i'm talking to my mother. that's not an insult but i see that in you. it's a good thing. you are my mother if she wasn't my mom and she didn't have to love me unconditionally and could tell me what was on her mind all the time and exactly how she felt. mom's have to hold back sometimes. my mom rarely does.

it comforts me that are you at least willing to try this out. i know this situation bothers you and if you don't want to talk until i go home and we can figure out how i'm going to be there...well, we can do that. i have a lot of work to do and that might not be a bad idea. i do have those withdrawels though. i am living a very shady life right now. not a big surprise. i do enjoy some adventure though routine is sometimes a hard thing for me to break.

why when i try to go to sleep at 10 i always end up staying up until 1? sleeping, i think, is overrated. if i could sleep some other way without actually sleeping i would be a much more productive person. i wish we could rest while we read because then i could learn at the same time and college students would be some of the most well rested people in the world.

GAH! 
¶ 12:58 AM |

  1. your name spelled backwards: anaid nitsirk nagear
2. where were your parents born? my dad was born in kansas city and my mother was born in tokyo
3. what is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? porn. joke joke. fonts.
4. what's your favorite restaurant? the olive garden.
5. last time you swam in a pool? i can't remember.
6. have you ever been in a school play? 8th grade. i wrote a play.
7. how many kids do you want? right now, none...time will tell.
8. type of music you dislike most? i like all kinds. disco?
9. are you registered to vote? nope.
10. do you have cable? not at home. in the dorms, yes.
11. have you ever ridden on a moped? nope.
12. ever prank call anybody? yup.
13. ever get a parking ticket? don't drive.
14. would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? sky diving.
15. furthest place you ever traveled: japan.
16. do you have a garden? yup, the boston public gardens, right across the street. not mine, but you know...public. haha.
17. what's your favorite comic strip? marmaduke (sp) fond memories of dad reading those to me as a kid.
18. do you really know all the words to your national anthem? not sure. probably.
19. bath or shower, morning or night? morning. shower. no bathtub.
20. best movie you've seen in the past month? Igby Goes Down (November...does that count?)
21. favorite pizza topping?: cheese.
22. chips or popcorn? depends...pringles are tasty. popcorn can be nice. who doesn't love that smell?
23. what color lipstick do you usually wear? lipgloss only.
24. have you ever smoked peanut shells? uh, no.
25. have you ever been in a beauty pageant? no way.
26. orange juice or apple? orange. but i do enjoy apple cider.
27. who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? kate at the greenhouse cafe in harvard square.
28. favorite type chocolate bar? crunchie from jolly ole england.
29. when was the last time you voted at the polls? last year at the emerson election outside the dining hall. surely, that counts for something.
30. last time you ate a homegrown tomato? hmm...we don't grow tomatoes. well, we tried once.
31. have you ever won a trophy? yes, two. both for the dallas japanese speech contest. one for runner-up and one for sixth place.
32. are you a good cook? if i had a cookbook or a patient helper.
33. do you know how to pump your own gas? mom makes me do it all the time.
34. ever order an article from an infomercial? i love infomercials but no.
35. sprite or 7-up? sprite. just had one today.
36. have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? nope.
37. last thing you bought at a pharmacy? cold medicine.
38. ever throw up in public? perhaps as a baby.
39. would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? true love.
40. do you believe in love at first sight? yes.
41. ever call a 1-900 number? no.
42. can ex's be friends? yes, i'm friends with almost everyone.
43. who was the last person you visited in a hospital? dad, when he hurt his back in maryland.
44. did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? nope. none. (hey, i hear that snickering.)
45. what message is on your answering machine? you have reached extension 7146...something something something
46. what's your all time favorite saturday night live character? the guy that made the dangerous toys or perhaps the shark. wayne and garth. goth talk. hard to pick one.
47. what was the name of your first pet? leo.
48. what is in your purse? gum. pens. id. keys. wallet. tissues. more pens. post-its.
49. favorite thing to do before bedtime? read.
50. what is one thing you are grateful for today? still being at emerson and for 13 still chatting with me.
51. if you were to die tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? my friends and family.
52. name one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with? barbara or tuffy, my cats.
53. what would be the first thing you would do if you woke up one morning and you were the opposite sex? scream. then get over it.
54. what is your dream career? musician.
55. if you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be? amelie. sigh.
56. what do you secretly love reading? um, erotica. i don't really keep it a secret though. i also don't read it that often.
57. what do you secretly love watching? cartoons like Oswald (obviously for four year olds) and all those kids shows on PBS
58. you're allowed one super power, what would it be? good judgement.
59. if you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? gardenburgers
60. what's the cheesiest thing you secretly love? stars and thunderstorms.  
¶ 12:46 AM |

  Finally.



Who are you?

I knew it. 
¶ 2:19 AM |

  You want some great songs...go read lyrics by The Smiths. They're so awesome. It's amazing the punch a pop song can have. I know that a lot of people have found The Smiths but I just found them and they are pretty amazing. Well, I found them last year and they're just simply wonderful.

Ryan Adams lyrics make me cry and make me laugh. Some are ridiculous and some are just clever. It doesn't matter because when he sings them they are nothing but pure genius, liquid smooth romance.

Hot Hot Heat have some of the best lyrics I've read lately. Short, simple but they make you think.

Smashing Pumpkins. Nuff said.

The White Stripes also have some of the most romantic songs. I don't know there's something so pure and simple in their lyrics. They're lyrics remind me of the kind of romance I want for myself. Slighty, greasy and from the garage. They are just so good without having a lot. That doesn't sound right. There's more there than meets the eye. Go enjoy them. I encourage it for your own sanity.

For some silly fun, try the Aquabats. A certain boy with whom I am more than fond with introduced them to me. The joys of silly ska songs. Go listen to Pizza Day and tell me it's not addicting. I would listen to it over and over. I guess I just like relaxing and not taking it anymore. I do that through the simpleness of ska.

I'm not so good with punk bands. I'm all about post-punk or something like that. The Liars...I guess. I don't know. I have a couple songs on my computer. There's a buzz about them and sometimes that's good. The buzz (is there still one?) aobut the Strokes was so dead on. I don't care if it's unhip to like them. Their songs are brillant and you can dance to them. What more could you ask for? Dancing around in your room in front of the mirror belting out the Strokes. I mostly do that with White Stripes songs but you know...we all have our little fetishes. 
¶ 11:37 PM |

  Yeah, some a lot of things border on the ridiculous and I think having a cold for 7 days straight is one of them. I don't want to be sick. NO no no!!! This must stop NOW!

I came upon some interesting reads last night. I think it's pretty scary that you can be quoted on a page and not even know it. That's a bit frightening to me. Also, you never know who's reading your journal on here. I'm not sure if I have a regular audience since my journal went a little haywire over the summer. I tried really hard last year to make my site amusing to all. I had all those buttons and cliques and counters and this and that. It got so crowded that it became an eyesore...well, at least for me it did. Anyways, just becareful what you say because your fellow friends may stick your quote up on their college website and you will never had any idea. Don't ask why I know.

More thoughts later perhaps after more sleeping. I am sick you know. But for now, CLASS. 
¶ 9:31 AM |

  It is snowing. Yes, snow. Really, can it be winter without that wonderfully beatiful powdery slushy snow? Nope. Sometimes I wish I didn't lived in the city so I could go sledding and build snowmen and drink hot chocolate in my OWN house. This will never happen because I don't own a house where it snows. I use to and I still get a little excited when those magicals words...Pennsylvania...are hissed out of someone's mouth. I guess I'm just bitter because I lost my youth there and then I had spoil all those childhood dreams of staying with life long friends by moving to Texas where I REALLY grew up, if you know what I mean.

NEWS FLASH: Diana is off the market. My sale is discontinued and I'm with the highest bidder.

I don't want to do my finals. I don't want to write my papers. I don't want to do anything but lay around in my bed and eat ramen noodles. This cannot be a good thing.



 
¶ 9:57 PM |

  this did not exist. 
¶ 2:38 PM |

  Right now my radiator sounds like it's a flushing toilet. I'm not sure why. The heaters have never made this sort of noise before. They need to stop. NOW!! I'm waiting for a phone call from mommy. I never call here that, quite strange that I decided to right then. I'm a bit tipsy and I should have worked on my personal essay but oh well. I started and I'm waking up early to do more when I'm more clear headed and not d-r-u-n-k. It doesn't take much for me to feel it in my bones. I'm just not a regular drinker.

My cold is gone. I'm ecstatic. Yay for no more cold. I do have a bit of cough left but no more of that grotesque hacking that was keeping me awake. The wonders of cough syrup.

There is nothing more I can say but that I'm happy and content right now in this situation. Of course, I want to be closer but there is nothing I can do about it now. 
¶ 11:27 PM |

  OMG...fun fun fun. Not a game for the wee ones but a fun video game. A special treat to emo video game addicts out there. *wink wink* I know you know who you are. 
¶ 4:13 AM |

  So...I talked things out with the red head in Cambridge who was all apologies and it was nice and he complimented me in the best Derek way that he could. I couldn't ask for anything better out of that boy (man?). I'll still hit him up on AIM but yeah, it's a tad weird but in a way all that confusion he caused me is not worth it anymore. I'll let the boys come to me. *rush rush rush* DIANA IS ON SALE! I can be found on the clearance rack right nest to your favorite winter jacket. You'll probably go straight for that great jacket and ignore me. Don't worry, I understand. I would probably do the same thing.

I can't sleep and this is simply why I am here. I strive for the updates though. I have an audience to entertain. I found the coolest site ever in my life tonight. It's so much cooler than the MOC or the LnC and such...MADRADHAIR. Yeah, it sounds sorta lame and you're like what the fuck is this all about but then it makes sense and it falls into place and it's an awesome place you should go there. GO GO GO!!! It's amazing the "scene" culture you find online. I'm not part of the scene but if I was I would be on there. *wink wink* Hey, I just know they're waiting for me to sign up over there. I just need pictures of my cool blue streaks. Yeah, I know you love it. Actually, the Starbucks girl complimented me today on my hair. Go me!

I like exclamations. They make my life a bit more fun. We all need that.

I want to sleep. Why can't I sleep? I'm on so many drugs you could open me up as a CVS. Hahahaha...sorry, that simply wasn't that funny. I will refrain from making corny jokes in the coming updates.

Love. *sigh* I'm a big cheeseball and I love it. I can't help it. I'm being more open and I understand the meaning of life (what? Diana's a lier.) and everything is coming up roses and blah blah blah, the end. Go read Fight Club and find out what the blah's are about. I love when he goes all ZEN in the book. I LOVE it. I do. I really do.

Tattoos? Yay or Nay? I'm all about the tattoos. I think I might be on speed. I really am just not tired at all. My throat is better and I have that sick taste in my mouth but I can't get to sleep though I know I should. It's almost 4 am. Why am I fucking up? This is the best I've felt all day. All fucking day. It was 19 degrees out today and it was awful. Now I have a dry cough. Stupid cough syrup.

I like scarves and hats and mittens and winter clothing and snow but why does it need to feel so cold. I could do without all the wind and that awful salt that makes your converse all-stars all yucky. Someone please tell my pipes to shut up and make the mice stop working on the water system in 100. Damn mice with hammers.

I WANT TO SLEEP DAMMIT...and with that i'm off.... 
¶ 3:42 AM |

  And i can feel the tears before they start to fall welling up in my eyes. i can feel the tears there hiding behind the lids waiting to pour out. i have so much to do and all i want to be is in your arms away from this mess and away from this wreck. i don't know where to go and who to turn to because i've dug myself too far into this and i know you can't choose with whom it happens with and i love that it's you but what will i do and where will i go. i keep thinking everyday how i will miss this place and maybe that's not the best decision either. i don't know where to go but i know i am unhappy here. why do i glamourize this depression? why do i fall in love with being down? why do i become so sad when i see others cry? i really am not use to this and i can't help but soak everything in from everyone else. i'm just that kind of person. i'm really bad at helping. i don't know what to do. i just don't know.

i seek advice and it's all the same and i'll try it and see how it goes but i know you won't be missing for long. you are what makes it worth it sometimes and i think that's the way it should be. i'm sitting here and i want to read and i want to study but at the same time all i want is for you to be here...with me...and for us to never let go. it's all ridiculous and sometimes i think we are losing ourselves but i think that happens sometimes and i think it's normal to be like this at first. i want to visit. will you wait for me? its' not as easy as i would hope it to be. i want everything to be easy. i want life to be one big vacation but of course that's never going to happen. what fun would it be if you lived the same day all the time? not any. you need the tragedies to set you straight and they help you justify the pleasures. right now though...that MASTER PLAN...doesn't sound half bad. i want to lock myself up and never come out...will you please join me as i get lonely pretty easily. i'm scared. i'm sad. i don't know what to do. i just know that once i get past these two weeks of hell i'm going to take a big breath and i may never come back down from my cloud. 
¶ 9:46 PM |