hours pass and i'm still awake. i feel numb. apathetic. i often feel this way. i hate who i am. who i became. the decisions i decided to make. everything has consequence. diana, you must think hard on each thing you say. you never regret but you live in a world of denial. all will be better. no hoping. no praying. no turning to others. this is a battle within yourself. you and only you can find the key. you hold the key inside your black heart. does it even work anymore? it's decaying inside and rust inside your bloodstream is staining your sheets. they call it blood, i call it memories. i remember when all i said was true and now even i can't tell the lies from the truths. who have i become? how did i become so lost. where am i? where is that lost little girl? i have to go back to kindergarten and watch her through the windows finger painting and eating kraft cheese slices and animal crackers. there she is. look, you have found her. no, only a mirage. only a faded image that i have long past put behind me.

all i want to be is numb. i don't want to feel because feeling hurts too much. i try so hard and i'm tired of trying. i don't want it to work. i feel like a new born. a gorilla dumped on the streets of new york to fend for itself. it can't. i can't. we all can't cope. that's the stupidest analogy ever. oh well. i made my point.

i don't even cry anymore. it's gotten to the point where i want to care. i try to care but i can't. i'm just all used up. i don't know what you're looking for anymore. i can't give it to you. i tried. all i can be is diana. simple giddy girl with a plan. or no plan as the case may be. too tired. cannot go on. you sucked me dry and now i want to give up but it feels so wrong. why? i'm not sure. i don't have explanations for everything like you want me to. i don't. i can't explain why giving up is easier than trying. i guess i'm tired of the non-believing. i'm even tired of this ambigious dialogue. we just keep having the same fights.

i don't want to fight anymore.

i have my own fights now. come to me when you feel like accepting who i am. 
¶ 4:28 AM |