The Hipster Brigade
My mom has started this annoying habit of calling me in the mornings before class. I mean this would be fine if I didn't have class until like 1 AM...well, she calls me at 8:30...plus my mother likes to use as many words to describe things as possible. I can't concentrate...the girls are here and they are making a ruckus and destroying my concentrate.
Let's try again...so my mom called again tonight...I've started answering the phone with the phrase Diana's Brothel..hahaha. I think my mother thinks I'm some kind of sex fiend. Which I'm not. That's so ridiculous, but ya know...boys are here and boys are definately on my mind a lot. Too much. I had all these really great revelations to tell you today but now I can't think of a single one. I was called mature today. I think that's pretty gosh darn funny...but of course I take it. I guess I am...just because I'm getting older and that sorts of crap. It kinda sux because I want to be a teenager for as long as I can. Though when I was a teenage it really really sucked a whole lot. It's incredible how much I hated being a teenager. I had no boyfriends. I had no life. I was such a huge nerd. I mean I was just a lonely acne ridden, Smashing Pumpkin, Billy Corgan obsessive teenage girl who dressed in a lot of sweaters even in the summer. I had this huge crush on this boy named Shawn...I loved how that is spelled...and he was so incredible. He smoked cigarettes...and of course pot...but I turned my head at that. I really wanted him for my own. I wanted to be his girlfriend. His favorite band was Nine Inch Nails and he owned like a ton of NIN shirts...it was kinda incredible. He played guitar and had long blondish hair. He was so attractive. He had blue eyes and was thin and lanky. He was so perfect. He started liking my senior year...I had liked him since sophomore year. We started giving hugs to each other. It was such flirting. I kissed him once. On the cheek. It was such a riot. I talked to him recently and he seemed so excited to talk to me. He hasn't changed much. I have though. He seemed still interested in me. That's funny. He should have a girlfriend...but who knows. Life is life. Wow...I'm profound.
"No, mate. I'm for Real." Russell Crowe
My Ryan Adams
Sorry ladies he's mine! Wouldn't we be beautiful together? He owns a punk belt.
So the things with the Soulmate have ended or something like that. Of course I still have HUGE feelings for him. I mean, just because we aren't together and we aren't like talking right now means that my feelings are gonna change over night. Of course, that would make life a lot easier for me. I miss him. I still think of him, and because I've taken him to all my spots around campus my spots have become Soulmate spots too. So that makes it hard being reminded of him. I don't regret anything I do, only the things that I didn't do. There are plenty of things I wish I had done or taken Soulmate when we were kinda together. You know for like a week. Haha!
Today I decided to wear a skirt. I am punk as all fuck today. I wore a black and red plaid skirt with black knee highs. Black tank top with silver star. Cuffs on my wrists. My red short cutie hair. Some guy whistled at me. He was ugly. It was cold today and rainy. It always rains when I wear skirts.
I want a PUNK boyfriend. I know I'm not too punk. Acutally, I want to go out with Ryan Adams. He's gorgeous. David Ryan Adams. I found out why I don't go out with guys from my college. They are lame and boring. No offense...but I haven't met that many great guys here at my college. Maybe one day. Hahaha. I don't think I want any more techno geeks though. Computer nerds. Whatever...I like them too. I just wish they were more punk. Ok, maybe if they wore converse. That is all.
~Mrs. Ryan Adams
I use to be a patient person. I also used to not be lazy...well, maybe that isn't true. I was always a little on the lazy side. I mean I get inspired to do things, like organize my whole room in 2 hours...but that doesn't happen often. See I use to be content just climbing up the stairs to my room...yes, up the 7th floor but no I don't feel like doing that. I just want to be there...NOW! No waiting...I hate waiting. I hate the elevator too. It takes too long. I just want to be able to step into something and be there. I don't know why I'm like this now.
So yesterday was a weird day. I believe in fate now. I kinda always did to some extent. Like you choose your own destiny but whatever way you choose there is a preselected thing that will happen. Like if you could turn back time then yeah...things could have gone another way. But things happen because they are suppose to right? I'm not sure if I believe that...but yesterday was just so surreal.
See last night I couldn't stop thinking about the Soulmate. I mean every thought in my head was consumed of him. I wanted to talk to him so badly. I mean look at yesterday's damn posts. I mean fucking yeah...I was a little preoccupied. I actually had a nightmare with him in it. It involved Ra from Stargate and a grocery store and I think I end up killing him in it because he goes fucking loony. It was so frightening. I hated that dream. It made me really scared. I'm scared about us...if there is an us or was an us or what us is exactly. Last night, I took a nap so I could stay up late so I could talk to Soulmate on AIM...well, I was talking to one of my friends and she's like just don't talk to him when he calls. I'm like what...he doesn't call me...we talk on AIM. Then all of a sudden the phone rings and it's HIM...no not God, but Soulmate. He needs a place to stay for the night. Of course, I need to repay the favor and because I'm not gonna deny the Soulmate a special place in my room...hehe...right next to me on my Strawberry Shortcake comforter. He looked so amazing yesterday. I've never seen him in glasses. Of course, a lot happened...I think we almost cried...yes both of us. He threw a lot of shit in my face...but I understand why he did it. I liked that he did it. It is real. Life is real. I need to hear real things in order to stay sane. Though at one point I did want to leave the room and ball my eyes out to my friends. It was sad...but at the same time my mind was racing with all these thoughts of making out and touching him. I am so attracted to him. Not just physically but mentally as well. Can you be attracted to someone that way? Who knows? So anyway...yeah, it was amazing. I feel a lot better now. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Now I can breath. It felt so good to see him. I missed him so much. I'm still scared cause I don't know what will happen...but we are trying to take like a little break from each other. I understand that...but it will be easier now. I don't need a Soulmate patch anymore...I don't think. Though maybe the "missingness" will come back tomorrow. I hate that feeling. I feel so horrible. I like need to be with him. My mind is so weird...it feels shitty, wonderful, exhausted all at the same time. I can't help but feel bad...I am a girl. No, I'm not sexist but that's just how I think and I'm a girl and I think that a lot of women get this way. Anyways...I enjoyed last night. I enjoy every moment with Soulmate. We have no answers...but I think I'm content just right now.
What a rush. The Hottie is no longer important. Why did I like him anyway. I still want to be a punk. I am a punk. Punk as fuck. hehe. I'm exhausted...no more late nights for awhile it's bad for me...and my poor little heart. Aaarrrr mateys...come aboard my ship and we'll go look for some booty. hehe. I said booty. I am so juvenile sometimes. Blah...and I'm 20?! Who knows...
I am hopeless. I know that no one reads this, but I write for myself. I am a writer. It drives me nuts that my mind is starting to think like a TV movie. I've seen one too many TV movies and they are starting to get to me. I really really really really really like the soulmate. Hence, the name the Soulmate. However, Soulmate is taken. Why do I like boys that I could never ever ever ever have? I mean do I do it to be safe. Am I really that scared of making a commitment...even if I really really really like the person, so much that I think about them every waking second of the day. I'm starting to think that I could never be as good as "she" could. That I am not adequate. I mean do I even have a chance? Am I being lead on? I really don't give a fuck if he reads this. This is what goes on in my head. I mean that's what I'm thinking right now...even though I have like a thousand good thoughts plus that really good Shakira song stuck in my head. I really have GREAT thoughts about the Soulmate...as much as I would like to say that he is not worth it. I believe that he is. I want to be with him. I want to spend everyday with him. I want to make little gifts for him. I'm thinking that writing about him to the extent where I just flip out because of pure insanity...because if I write about him all the time maybe he will leak out of my head. He will go away and then my head can be filled with less happy things so I can go back to being really really depressed so I can write sad poems about punx. I am a punk. Hehehe.
I am so emo. What is mod exactly? Is being mod being modern? And if it is does that mean being mod now means you are like being mod when mod came out or are you just being yourself now? Ugh.
I think involving your friends in your relationship struggles is a good thing. Except they are quick to judge because they don't know the whole situation because you are not rigged up on a video camera where they can watch your every move with the person in question. Which I guess for me is a pretty swell thing. I don't like people watching me all the time. Blah...internet writing makes me miss my "real" journal. I really really need to write in it...give it a little update about what's been going "down" this past week. I've been here for a whole week and I feel that I'm more confused then I've ever been before.
I want to kiss the Soulmate. I like kissing him. When will he get back? I want him. I do. But I shouldn't. I have very strong feelings and I'm not strong enough to handle them right now. I don't know what my head is doing to me. I think I want a new head...a new mind...someone else's with a new problem. I don't like my own. It makes me sad. I want to be the Soulmate's girlfriend...I want to see him everyday. I'm writing this in attempts that HE will read it and get the picture...but he said that he wouldn't read this anymore, so who knows. I'm not scared of what he will say. I just want to be with him. Is that wrong? No...I don't think so. He'll probably read this and flip out and never talk to me again. Which is something that he will never do...he doesn't do those types of things. I just don't want him to take this the wrong way. Arg...grrrr!
I really hope that he doesn't stop reading this. Sometimes it's easier for me to speak it here. Yes, I really don't care what I say anymore. He needs to know what I feel about everything. Blah...I will stop holding back because that is bad writing. That means that's my true self. Truth hurts. Get fucking over it.
Is it bad that I like being a mistress? Is it bad that I don't want to stop? Is it bad that I thought things would end this way? I don't want to stop seeing him. Yes, of course I want him to myself. But I pretend that in my head. He is to myself. I'm not sure what is going through my head anymore. I just know that I've enjoyed seeing him everyday. That I can't help but miss him unless I do see him everyday. That he plays piano. Those hands. Those fingers. I think that this is normal. I tell myself this is normal. Why can't I be his? I am starting to feel things like inadequancy? I shouldn't feel that way. I still like him...a lot. I must think good thoughts. I am an optimist. Hahaha...that is a lie!
I am still a punk. I am still a pirate. Yarr! My hair is red and I am happy. My good thoughts. I like hats. I want to eat Indian food in Quincy Market again. Yum!!
Soulmate if you are reading my blogger...at least have the courtesy to sign the guest book. But you know keep it publishable...hahahaha! Bye sweetie.
I keep running into the Hottie like all ove the place on campus. I saw him twice yesterday. It's funny because when I use to see him I would swoon and now I made this really funny grimace towards him. I wonder if he's noticed yet? Blah...I really despise the kid. I really don't know what I did wrong. What did I do that made him hate me so much? I mean, if having a crush on someone and trying to be nice and sweet to someone is a crime...I guess that's what I committed. Some boys are just strange.
Yesterday, the girls and I and Steve all hung out together. I like Steve a lot. He's so sweet. We are reading the same book and we talked about it last night. He's gonna let me borrow a bunch of his old skool punk CDs. I'm really excited about it considering I've never heard any of it. I was reading the book...like "Wha?" Yes, it's a good book...it's called "Please Kill Me." Yes, I know that you don't put book titles in quotes...so there. Blar!! I wish I had something more interesting to say right now. I just think that I should try to update this more frequently than I had been in the past.
Less Than Jake is coming the Avalon March 14th. I think I'm gonna drag Kate. It will be MUCH FUN! Ok, that is all. Laters.
Ok, I guess things have been going relatively ok. I saw the Hottie the other day. Haha...he was wearing a cream colered argyle winter hat. It was extremely feminine. Not that he isn't feminine or anything...because he is definately feminine. He doesn't really look that HOT to me anymore. Not since the Soulmate entered my life. Yes, things are a little confusing around there still...but we are working on things and we seem to have a very mature and open mind about things. But mostly everything is confusing in my life.
My life is getting better.
I dyed my hair red again. It is permanent dye...and it definately does not look good with a yellow sweater. But I mean, that's what you get when you have like 3 seconds to get ready for class. Yeah, I actually woke up on time...then went back to sleep because I actually thought that I could sleep for only 3 minutes...Yeah right. What the hell have I been smoking?! Ok, I will talk to you later. Bye.
So things are a little better now. I am less confused at this moment in time. I have talked things out with the soulmate, which was the reason for the confusion in the first place. Over the break, some things happened between us ~ some making out type things that was very nice. I liked it a lot. I thought at one point that I was ready to rush into things, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I want to go slower. I'm scared of messing up and of making a mistake. I want everyone to like me. I liked to feel liked due to my insecure lifestyle at home. It really makes me upset.
I haven't read Shane's journal in a long time. I miss him. I wonder if he still comes and checks on mine. Sorry, it was a long, long break. Too long and too confusing. I cannot juggle two boys right now. One in Boston and one in Dallas. This is just too insane for me. Why do guys like me now? Wasn't I this desirable in high school? I guess not, I don't know what's happened to me, but apparantly it has been for the better because I've been on so many dates recently I feel like I'm going to explode.
I feel like a SLUT!! I shouldn't because I haven't done anything. I have done nothing wrong. I am very upset with my mind and with boys and with my thoughts. I am too confused and this is what I thought would happen once I got here. That things would start going downhill.
I love my friends. I'm glad to be home. ;-)
So break was good. I'm sorry I didn't get to a computer sooner. I thought of all these cool and relevent things to say on my Blogger while I was away, but of course they have all left me now. My break was about boys. My life is about boys. My existence if for boys. I am such a sad case. I have no idea what is up and what is down. My emotions are like a rollercoaster. I have no meaning. I will write more as my mind becomes more available to understand and comprehand more difficult matters. I have screwed up, but I don't feel like I have. What's wrong with this picture? I should understand my own thoughts. I wish I did. I don't. I getting more confused. I will come back and have some witty remarks for you later. Maybe my nack for spelling will come back. I doubt it. College made me dumber.