I use to be a patient person. I also used to not be lazy...well, maybe that isn't true. I was always a little on the lazy side. I mean I get inspired to do things, like organize my whole room in 2 hours...but that doesn't happen often. See I use to be content just climbing up the stairs to my room...yes, up the 7th floor but no I don't feel like doing that. I just want to be there...NOW! No waiting...I hate waiting. I hate the elevator too. It takes too long. I just want to be able to step into something and be there. I don't know why I'm like this now.

So yesterday was a weird day. I believe in fate now. I kinda always did to some extent. Like you choose your own destiny but whatever way you choose there is a preselected thing that will happen. Like if you could turn back time then yeah...things could have gone another way. But things happen because they are suppose to right? I'm not sure if I believe that...but yesterday was just so surreal.

See last night I couldn't stop thinking about the Soulmate. I mean every thought in my head was consumed of him. I wanted to talk to him so badly. I mean look at yesterday's damn posts. I mean fucking yeah...I was a little preoccupied. I actually had a nightmare with him in it. It involved Ra from Stargate and a grocery store and I think I end up killing him in it because he goes fucking loony. It was so frightening. I hated that dream. It made me really scared. I'm scared about us...if there is an us or was an us or what us is exactly. Last night, I took a nap so I could stay up late so I could talk to Soulmate on AIM...well, I was talking to one of my friends and she's like just don't talk to him when he calls. I'm like what...he doesn't call me...we talk on AIM. Then all of a sudden the phone rings and it's HIM...no not God, but Soulmate. He needs a place to stay for the night. Of course, I need to repay the favor and because I'm not gonna deny the Soulmate a special place in my room...hehe...right next to me on my Strawberry Shortcake comforter. He looked so amazing yesterday. I've never seen him in glasses. Of course, a lot happened...I think we almost cried...yes both of us. He threw a lot of shit in my face...but I understand why he did it. I liked that he did it. It is real. Life is real. I need to hear real things in order to stay sane. Though at one point I did want to leave the room and ball my eyes out to my friends. It was sad...but at the same time my mind was racing with all these thoughts of making out and touching him. I am so attracted to him. Not just physically but mentally as well. Can you be attracted to someone that way? Who knows? So anyway...yeah, it was amazing. I feel a lot better now. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Now I can breath. It felt so good to see him. I missed him so much. I'm still scared cause I don't know what will happen...but we are trying to take like a little break from each other. I understand that...but it will be easier now. I don't need a Soulmate patch anymore...I don't think. Though maybe the "missingness" will come back tomorrow. I hate that feeling. I feel so horrible. I like need to be with him. My mind is so weird...it feels shitty, wonderful, exhausted all at the same time. I can't help but feel bad...I am a girl. No, I'm not sexist but that's just how I think and I'm a girl and I think that a lot of women get this way. Anyways...I enjoyed last night. I enjoy every moment with Soulmate. We have no answers...but I think I'm content just right now.

What a rush. The Hottie is no longer important. Why did I like him anyway. I still want to be a punk. I am a punk. Punk as fuck. hehe. I'm exhausted...no more late nights for awhile it's bad for me...and my poor little heart. Aaarrrr mateys...come aboard my ship and we'll go look for some booty. hehe. I said booty. I am so juvenile sometimes. Blah...and I'm 20?! Who knows... 
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