Sunday, December 08, 2002
miss nikki asked me if i was happy. sure, why not. i am happy. right? well, i was. now it's all settling in and it's sorta sad but i'm not unhappy. i'm just a little taken aback. that's not exactly it either. not taken aback. i feel good. i feel in doubt. i am drinking away my troubles with dr. pepper. not troubles. why am i being so careful? i'm starting again.
i'm having issues of doubt not within myself because now writing this i know those feelings are still there. i just know that if this happens again where it ends up one-sided that i will probably most likely crawl into a hole and die. i will transfer schools. i will transfer names. i will transfer and become a new person. it seems that if i am myself that no one likes me. i guess there's a reason for that but i can't help who i am. i am what i am, as popeye says. i can't help that. i don't take anything back that i said. i meant it all. you mean the world to me. you mean the stars to me. you are the closest i've been to being happy with anyone. i'm glad you are confused and i'm glad you feel bad because when you feel guilt about something it shows you care. well, or else you have good morals. i understand the doubts. i understand the situation sucks. if it works, awesome. if it doesn't, well then we were both wrong. i just hope that we are still friends and i'm pretty sure we will be. that's just ridiculous if we aren't. i see your faults. you've made me cry more than once. it's funny somtimes because i realize that when i talk to you i feel like i'm talking to my mother. that's not an insult but i see that in you. it's a good thing. you are my mother if she wasn't my mom and she didn't have to love me unconditionally and could tell me what was on her mind all the time and exactly how she felt. mom's have to hold back sometimes. my mom rarely does.
it comforts me that are you at least willing to try this out. i know this situation bothers you and if you don't want to talk until i go home and we can figure out how i'm going to be there...well, we can do that. i have a lot of work to do and that might not be a bad idea. i do have those withdrawels though. i am living a very shady life right now. not a big surprise. i do enjoy some adventure though routine is sometimes a hard thing for me to break.
why when i try to go to sleep at 10 i always end up staying up until 1? sleeping, i think, is overrated. if i could sleep some other way without actually sleeping i would be a much more productive person. i wish we could rest while we read because then i could learn at the same time and college students would be some of the most well rested people in the world.
GAH!
¶ 12:58 AM
|
i'm having issues of doubt not within myself because now writing this i know those feelings are still there. i just know that if this happens again where it ends up one-sided that i will probably most likely crawl into a hole and die. i will transfer schools. i will transfer names. i will transfer and become a new person. it seems that if i am myself that no one likes me. i guess there's a reason for that but i can't help who i am. i am what i am, as popeye says. i can't help that. i don't take anything back that i said. i meant it all. you mean the world to me. you mean the stars to me. you are the closest i've been to being happy with anyone. i'm glad you are confused and i'm glad you feel bad because when you feel guilt about something it shows you care. well, or else you have good morals. i understand the doubts. i understand the situation sucks. if it works, awesome. if it doesn't, well then we were both wrong. i just hope that we are still friends and i'm pretty sure we will be. that's just ridiculous if we aren't. i see your faults. you've made me cry more than once. it's funny somtimes because i realize that when i talk to you i feel like i'm talking to my mother. that's not an insult but i see that in you. it's a good thing. you are my mother if she wasn't my mom and she didn't have to love me unconditionally and could tell me what was on her mind all the time and exactly how she felt. mom's have to hold back sometimes. my mom rarely does.
it comforts me that are you at least willing to try this out. i know this situation bothers you and if you don't want to talk until i go home and we can figure out how i'm going to be there...well, we can do that. i have a lot of work to do and that might not be a bad idea. i do have those withdrawels though. i am living a very shady life right now. not a big surprise. i do enjoy some adventure though routine is sometimes a hard thing for me to break.
why when i try to go to sleep at 10 i always end up staying up until 1? sleeping, i think, is overrated. if i could sleep some other way without actually sleeping i would be a much more productive person. i wish we could rest while we read because then i could learn at the same time and college students would be some of the most well rested people in the world.
GAH!
¶ 12:58 AM
|
