Friday, December 13, 2002
I'm pretty sure that I hate everyone.
When I first came to Emerson I use to confuse emo boys with indie boys. Now, I can tell the difference. I always had a thing for the emo boys. Those sensitive lads willing to give so much to be with the one girl of their dreams. I'm not that one girl. I'm just a girl. And that's all I'll ever be. Yes, No Doubt rules. I try so hard to gain attention and just live without falling apart. I'm the first one to understand my fragile nature. Some people will never understand and most fit in that category. I'm needy and I'm searching for someone to fill a void. I want someone to want me just as badly as I want them. If you aren't willing to show me that then I'm probably a shitty choice of a girl. I'm not sure why most like me anyways. It's a lot easier to be alone and deny myself all pleasures. I'm really tired of people being fake and not caring. I'm tired of spilling myself out to them and worrying if they care or not. I guess once if never enough. I know that I make bad choices. I love bad choices. I strive on bad choices. Basically, I love living in one big bad choice. I would feel lost if things fell into place. I really don't want things to work out.
I also need constant reassurance. I need someone there to make up for what I lost as a child. I lost my parents. I had to grow up so early. I had to take care of my sister...all me and no one else. My mom talked to me as a confidant from age 16. It's hard not having a mom. My mom is my best friend and it's hard to be both. She's an excellent mom and she still treats me as a daughter but our relationship is so much more than that.
I don't know what I want. That's true. You remind me of my mother. That's not a good thing. I thought it was at one point but right now, I'll go on loving you and you can go on telling yourself how emo you are and I'll stay here lost in my indie pop and ska happy ways. You are way quick to jump at conclusions as am I. We're too strong and not understanding of each other. I don't know what to do. I'm not a strong person though. I'm someone that is trying to be independent and I am someone that wants to be grown up but I don't need you telling me how to live. I know what I want to do. If you don't want me around, well fine...just tell me to fuck it. Don't hide behind ambiguity. I get that all the time. My life is beyond a metaphor of cliched phrases.
I'll use you in my next story and I'll email it over as a gift. Oh, by the way...emo boys don't make other girls cry. I'm not crying. Emo boys are also sensitive. Go live in your broodiness and I think we're going to have to be friends. I still love you. I always will. A fight is a fight. We have had lots. We crash and knock heads a lot. I'm a different person and you aren't willing to embrace that I am not one of your "single attractive smoking joke-making friends." Fine. I don't care.
We all know this is a lie and a thing I have come to know as DENIAL and PARANOIA. My two closest friends. I'll talk to you once I get on a prescription.
¶ 1:43 AM
|
When I first came to Emerson I use to confuse emo boys with indie boys. Now, I can tell the difference. I always had a thing for the emo boys. Those sensitive lads willing to give so much to be with the one girl of their dreams. I'm not that one girl. I'm just a girl. And that's all I'll ever be. Yes, No Doubt rules. I try so hard to gain attention and just live without falling apart. I'm the first one to understand my fragile nature. Some people will never understand and most fit in that category. I'm needy and I'm searching for someone to fill a void. I want someone to want me just as badly as I want them. If you aren't willing to show me that then I'm probably a shitty choice of a girl. I'm not sure why most like me anyways. It's a lot easier to be alone and deny myself all pleasures. I'm really tired of people being fake and not caring. I'm tired of spilling myself out to them and worrying if they care or not. I guess once if never enough. I know that I make bad choices. I love bad choices. I strive on bad choices. Basically, I love living in one big bad choice. I would feel lost if things fell into place. I really don't want things to work out.
I also need constant reassurance. I need someone there to make up for what I lost as a child. I lost my parents. I had to grow up so early. I had to take care of my sister...all me and no one else. My mom talked to me as a confidant from age 16. It's hard not having a mom. My mom is my best friend and it's hard to be both. She's an excellent mom and she still treats me as a daughter but our relationship is so much more than that.
I don't know what I want. That's true. You remind me of my mother. That's not a good thing. I thought it was at one point but right now, I'll go on loving you and you can go on telling yourself how emo you are and I'll stay here lost in my indie pop and ska happy ways. You are way quick to jump at conclusions as am I. We're too strong and not understanding of each other. I don't know what to do. I'm not a strong person though. I'm someone that is trying to be independent and I am someone that wants to be grown up but I don't need you telling me how to live. I know what I want to do. If you don't want me around, well fine...just tell me to fuck it. Don't hide behind ambiguity. I get that all the time. My life is beyond a metaphor of cliched phrases.
I'll use you in my next story and I'll email it over as a gift. Oh, by the way...emo boys don't make other girls cry. I'm not crying. Emo boys are also sensitive. Go live in your broodiness and I think we're going to have to be friends. I still love you. I always will. A fight is a fight. We have had lots. We crash and knock heads a lot. I'm a different person and you aren't willing to embrace that I am not one of your "single attractive smoking joke-making friends." Fine. I don't care.
We all know this is a lie and a thing I have come to know as DENIAL and PARANOIA. My two closest friends. I'll talk to you once I get on a prescription.
¶ 1:43 AM
|
