Friday, October 08, 2004
fucked up
i really wanted to write this entry in the third person, because i have a hard time saying what i want to say sometimes. those feelings that i've been having about "the missing" feel like they have gone, which is fantastic. i'm glad that i don't feel like a big black hole with nowhere to turn. i felt very unhappy that i couldn't figure out what was keeping me down. although, nothing gets me down a lot of the time. it's hard to explain to someone that i get sad over nothing. i can't help it. sometimes i just like to be down & out and upset. i think crying is the next best thing to the orgasm, but that's probably just me.
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i've known for a long time that i'm easily threatened by other women. i don't know why, but i feel very insecure about other girls. i think because i have so few female friends that i believe everyone wants to have what i have or is jealous of me or wants something from me. i think women are evil and i don't know why. i want to feel comfortable around them. it's just i never was the girl that the boys always wanted. i always had to work so much harder to be desirable and accepted. i still feel ugly even if today i was hit on in the boston common, and many men looked and whistled at me. i mean i should not feel this way, but i can't make it go away. not yet. i don't feel safe yet with myself. it's only sometimes. i certainly don't feel attacked all the time, but i feel needy.
i guess i don't know why i feel the way that i do. i just want it to go away, because it interfers with way that i feel a lot of the time, which IS SAFE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE. i wish i knew how to make it go away, but right now his arms wrapped tightly around me and the look in his eyes are enough. i know he loves me and i'm not afraid. not anymore.
¶ 2:32 AM
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i really wanted to write this entry in the third person, because i have a hard time saying what i want to say sometimes. those feelings that i've been having about "the missing" feel like they have gone, which is fantastic. i'm glad that i don't feel like a big black hole with nowhere to turn. i felt very unhappy that i couldn't figure out what was keeping me down. although, nothing gets me down a lot of the time. it's hard to explain to someone that i get sad over nothing. i can't help it. sometimes i just like to be down & out and upset. i think crying is the next best thing to the orgasm, but that's probably just me.
-----------------------------------------------
i've known for a long time that i'm easily threatened by other women. i don't know why, but i feel very insecure about other girls. i think because i have so few female friends that i believe everyone wants to have what i have or is jealous of me or wants something from me. i think women are evil and i don't know why. i want to feel comfortable around them. it's just i never was the girl that the boys always wanted. i always had to work so much harder to be desirable and accepted. i still feel ugly even if today i was hit on in the boston common, and many men looked and whistled at me. i mean i should not feel this way, but i can't make it go away. not yet. i don't feel safe yet with myself. it's only sometimes. i certainly don't feel attacked all the time, but i feel needy.
i guess i don't know why i feel the way that i do. i just want it to go away, because it interfers with way that i feel a lot of the time, which IS SAFE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE. i wish i knew how to make it go away, but right now his arms wrapped tightly around me and the look in his eyes are enough. i know he loves me and i'm not afraid. not anymore.
¶ 2:32 AM
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