I think that people are sick of me. That people are sick of dealing with me. They don't know what to do with me. They want to tolerate it. Fuck it, I'm an awesome person. I know this. But people can only go on so long hearing the same shit over and over. I like to be miserable. I like to feel the hurt run up and down my spine. Tunneling it's way deep into my nervous system. I can feel the fright. I am fear. I am scared to discover who I want to be. Who I really am. I thought college would help me decide that, but in the end college is just a huge building in Boston with teachers teaching you about themselves. In the end that's all we ever know if ourselves. Can we know people as well as we know ourselves? I think so. I don't know myself at all. I could care less. I don't know who I'm becoming or where to turn to. I am broke and I like it. I don't need to live on materlistic goods anymore. I just want to be me. I want to do music. That is my first love. I want to write, but not as much as I enjoy music. I don't want to go to school to write. I want to learn something that I've never learned before. I am interested in radio. So why not get off my lazy ass and go pursue that? Well, I'll tell you right here why I don't want to do that. I'm scared lazy and impatient. What a fucking combination that is. I mean not only do I have to please myself, but I need to please my mother. I don't regret that. I live to please my mom. I have my own life, but my mom doesn't. She has to stay at home and hold everything together. Sometimes I cry just knowing what she has to go through. Yes, I hate when she calls me fifteen times a day asking me begging me to do my taxes, but I refuse and say that I've done them working on them...whatever. I think that's what hurts me the most is that I see her situation and that I don't make it better. I like to be comfortable. I like my little world. I like not knowing and being lazy and skipping classes ~ I've only done this once, but still. I needed it. I needed to feel that in my bones. What is was like to skip class and just go out and do something, like lunch in the dining hall with Laura. I love that nose ring. I love Laura so much.

Sometimes I feel she's the only one that I can turn to. Sometimes I feel like I only have my third floor girls. Other times I hate them. I don't care if this read this, they need to know. I love them. My love for them will never go away. I always want to be there for them, but yes I get angry at them like any other human being gets angry at their friends...but maybe a little to frequently. My Soulmate made me realize a few things. That not everyone has it together. But my world falls apart unless I have a plan. And now my plan isn't right anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. This is not something that just happened yesterday, this happened so long ago that I can't even rememeber. I don't want to. I've been hiding the feeling in the back of my head. I didn't want to see it. Writing has always been my gift. But I don't want to go to school to learn to write, but I do but I don't. I don't know me anymore. I just know that writing hasn't been easy for me lately. It's been so hard to focus on anything. I can't focus on anything. I need to focus on something. I fell in love this year. Yes, it was a heartbreak. But I'm glad that I know what it feels like. This feeling that I could never understand before. I can't even describe what it is. At first I was so skeptical. Was I saying this to make him stay? To make him love me back? I didn't want to think that's what I was doing, but in some ways I thought right on...he does not want to hear this. I am making this so hard on him myself the world. I don't care. I see it. I recognize it. Love is a fucking strange thing. Go out and experience love right now. All you need is love. See, now I'm quoting the Beatles. Damn Meg...Damn Moulin Rouge. I can see the mini Ewan McGregor sitting on my shoulder whispering to keep it up. Never give up. I never will. How can you make it just go away? You can't. It doesn't work like that. Love doesn't fade in weeks months years. It will go when it's right for it to go away. I'm glad he listens. Sometimes I think he's the only one listening.  
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