Thursday, March 27, 2003
Yeah
first, i want to apologize to anyone i talked to tonight from about 10:30pm to about 12:30am. i felt like shit and the only reason i came online at all was to talk to dan and see if nikki wanted to do something and i totally forgot to ask her. (i'm all up for that drinking plan!!) i just didn't feel like moving or understanding. i just wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself with about 4 tons of dirt, so that way i would never have to face another thing. suffocation.
...and the more i talked to people, the more my mind flew out of control. i didn't even want to hear anyone's advice because i knew what was happening to myself. i was falling back into how i had been feeling before. sure, things are hard. things will always be hard. i don't want to whine about them. just sometimes, i just don't know where to go or who to turn to. i feel so lost and the more i dive into my thoughts the more submerged i get until i finally just stop trying and end up drowing in my own misery. things have been really tough for me lately. good things always make me hesitant and fearful.
i made my office nook thinking i would get more done and in actuality it's just given me more room to dance and less room to think. i just keep piling on the garbage. i'm surrounded by empty bottles and bowls. i keep staring but not doing. doing is always the hard part. thinking something is easy but doing something is hard. the mometum i need to do things could move houses. i'm just that lazy. and i just don't care. and if people weren't here cheering me on i would just quit school and work at the pirate museum in salem. they need more women working there anyways. Arrr!
i'm not really sure why i decided to post this rambling. i guess it makes me feel better. it makes me feel good that even though i get all moody that you are by myside. i have huge trust issues and i'm sorry if i belittled the situation. i just didn't want to talk about it, i suppose. i like to hide from my fears. i figure if i can blame the situation on me, it makes it easier to deal with. but nikki's RA is right, you can't make everyone like you.
i don't know what all this means. i'm just glad that you are all around. and that this was the cheesiest post ever in the history of posts and yeah, i'll stop. sigh.
¶ 1:40 AM
|
first, i want to apologize to anyone i talked to tonight from about 10:30pm to about 12:30am. i felt like shit and the only reason i came online at all was to talk to dan and see if nikki wanted to do something and i totally forgot to ask her. (i'm all up for that drinking plan!!) i just didn't feel like moving or understanding. i just wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself with about 4 tons of dirt, so that way i would never have to face another thing. suffocation.
...and the more i talked to people, the more my mind flew out of control. i didn't even want to hear anyone's advice because i knew what was happening to myself. i was falling back into how i had been feeling before. sure, things are hard. things will always be hard. i don't want to whine about them. just sometimes, i just don't know where to go or who to turn to. i feel so lost and the more i dive into my thoughts the more submerged i get until i finally just stop trying and end up drowing in my own misery. things have been really tough for me lately. good things always make me hesitant and fearful.
i made my office nook thinking i would get more done and in actuality it's just given me more room to dance and less room to think. i just keep piling on the garbage. i'm surrounded by empty bottles and bowls. i keep staring but not doing. doing is always the hard part. thinking something is easy but doing something is hard. the mometum i need to do things could move houses. i'm just that lazy. and i just don't care. and if people weren't here cheering me on i would just quit school and work at the pirate museum in salem. they need more women working there anyways. Arrr!
i'm not really sure why i decided to post this rambling. i guess it makes me feel better. it makes me feel good that even though i get all moody that you are by myside. i have huge trust issues and i'm sorry if i belittled the situation. i just didn't want to talk about it, i suppose. i like to hide from my fears. i figure if i can blame the situation on me, it makes it easier to deal with. but nikki's RA is right, you can't make everyone like you.
i don't know what all this means. i'm just glad that you are all around. and that this was the cheesiest post ever in the history of posts and yeah, i'll stop. sigh.
¶ 1:40 AM
|
