is anybody out there?

hello,

are you okay? i'm not doing so well. i feel a bit sick to my stomach and my head hurts. i have the window open but i'm burning up. i toss and turn at night and i feel a bit too aware of my teeth touching. i grit and grind them all night long in the hopes that one day they will lie flat against each other.

i feel a bit overwhelmed even when i have nothing to do. i always feel overwhelmed. i can only handle one problem at a time, and this needs to be resolved. life doesn't let you handle one thing at a time. you have to be able to multi-task in sensory overload. i don't do very well in that. in fact, i flunked right out.

sometimes i just don't have anything to say, and the things i do have to say, i don't know how to say in english or any other language. i can say it in small touches to your face, soft kisses to your neck and looking deep into your eyes.

do you ever wake up so in love that you feel like you might explode? everyday i feel a little too full of it. it disgusts me. i want it out. i never asked for this. i think often of just him and i alone together holding hands -- just the two of us -- where nothing can get to us. like a vacation from everything and everyone. i think it would do us some good to relax.

sometimes i want to stop time and touch your hips -- slide them over and over your bones -- and kiss your soft lips. i feel embarrassed full of rough skin, acne and oily hair. i want to be your perfect doll. i like that you say i'm beautiful always. today, when i looked in the mirror, i saw past the blotches and to the center of my eyes and exclaimed, "i am beautiful." which felt really nice. even i was impressed how well the pictures came out.

i am 23 and i feel like i have everything figured out, except i have no job, i'm still in school and i'm over my head in debt. i just know things will work out, because who could stop us? i think i talk about us too much. perhaps i should stop. i just don't know how. 
¶ 1:23 AM |