Monday, November 04, 2002
I can't sleep again. I feel so anxious and lost and all these things at one time. How can that be? I've been having these intense headaches for days now. I'm afraid to take advil for it will mix with the alcohol and I'll die lying in a puddle of my own vomit. Plus, the roommates won't want to deal with that. I respect them for that.
My room is so cold. I can hardly read and comprehend and understand all these things. I wish that I was 12 again sometimes and that things made sense. Wait, not 12...5. I understood things then. I miss that age. When I lied to my mother to go out and play in the rain. Those were the good old days. Those were the days when I sang "singing in the rain" and didn't know it was from a musical and that was fine because no one really cared and no one really knew that I would sneak outside and spend at least 30 minutes wandering around my yard with a red umbrella with ducks printed on it singing that song. No one cared. And that was fine. That was also a time when I didn't know what was going on and that was fine too. I didn't need to be aware of the news. I didn't overanalyze. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up and that was fine. I had crushes on boys but didn't wonder if I'll ever be married. That was just all a give in. I knew it was going to happen so why worry. No worry. No worries. Like that song says, "Don't worry. Be happy."
It's been years since I've heard that song.
I wish this headache would go away and that it would be the weekend and that school actually distracted me more than stupid relationship problems I have with a boy that doesn't really exist or with the boy that does exist but barely exists in my world. He's here but not. I like that cambridge red head a whole fucking lot. I just read a Nerve horoscope that was horribly accurate that I felt like crying. He's pisces go check it out. I'm virgo and mine is true too. I wish it wasn't and that it gave better advice. Why be something I'm not.
I'm going to try to go to bed now and stop writing in this stupid blog. We know that won't happen. Look for me tomorrow.
¶ 2:51 AM
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My room is so cold. I can hardly read and comprehend and understand all these things. I wish that I was 12 again sometimes and that things made sense. Wait, not 12...5. I understood things then. I miss that age. When I lied to my mother to go out and play in the rain. Those were the good old days. Those were the days when I sang "singing in the rain" and didn't know it was from a musical and that was fine because no one really cared and no one really knew that I would sneak outside and spend at least 30 minutes wandering around my yard with a red umbrella with ducks printed on it singing that song. No one cared. And that was fine. That was also a time when I didn't know what was going on and that was fine too. I didn't need to be aware of the news. I didn't overanalyze. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up and that was fine. I had crushes on boys but didn't wonder if I'll ever be married. That was just all a give in. I knew it was going to happen so why worry. No worry. No worries. Like that song says, "Don't worry. Be happy."
It's been years since I've heard that song.
I wish this headache would go away and that it would be the weekend and that school actually distracted me more than stupid relationship problems I have with a boy that doesn't really exist or with the boy that does exist but barely exists in my world. He's here but not. I like that cambridge red head a whole fucking lot. I just read a Nerve horoscope that was horribly accurate that I felt like crying. He's pisces go check it out. I'm virgo and mine is true too. I wish it wasn't and that it gave better advice. Why be something I'm not.
I'm going to try to go to bed now and stop writing in this stupid blog. We know that won't happen. Look for me tomorrow.
¶ 2:51 AM
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