Last night. Incredible.

First, I actually accomplished some sort of work so I didn't feel like a lazy bum all day just waiting for the red head to show. I read at Miss Nikki's. I love her room. It makes me want to curl up and never leave and watch all the doings and undoings of the LB. Those windows are amazing and as much as I hate the LB, I would love to have windows like that to let it light on a nice spring day. Unfortunately, blind time would have to occur at some time cause I don't want scuzzy boys watching me half-naked. Not that LB boys are scuzzy, only some of them are.

The date. Well, I'm not sure if you can call it that but it was enjoyable. We didn't do much...uh, which is to say that we made out on my bed. I had that lovely we-just-fooled-around-hair, which is always enjoyablely hard to maintain. I had an excellent time. You can always measure the amount of fun you have on a date like this by the lack of saliva left in your mouth. However, as great as that date was, I can't get past this feeling of something lost. Whenever our dates finish it's wonderful. I feel happy and I search for his smell (vintage clothes) on my sheets. I can still smell him on my fingers. I can't sleep because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget so I wear it out so much that it doesn't even seem the same anymore. I just keep morphing it to one little detail because in the end that's all I can remember and than he visits again and it's alright. Then the process starts all over again.

But why do I feel so sad? I feel like clinging to something and wishing he could stay forever. Sometimes I think it's better when I don't see him because I start to forget how good he is and how beautiful I think he is and I how I want to know every detail about him and I just want to lay on his chest and have him stroke my hair and it to never stop, ever. Then he goes and I feel like I can't go on. This is all cliche but what does this mean. I've never felt this way before. I never felt sad with That Boy and I never felt sad with Skyler. Why do I feel sad now? I just wish I could have all of him. I keep thinking that sex would make this all better but in the long run I know it will make it worse. Not worse. But something. Not closer. But maybe it would. I wish I could understand why I feel so bad.

I want to go out and buy things. Sometimes I can replace my sadness with a really great pair of new pants from a thrift store but right now that isn't a possibility because it's raining outside and I don't want to walk alone anywhere because I'm afraid of what I might do. When I get like this I want to be surrounded by everyone because I am so afraid I'm just going to kill myself. I mean I don't feel sad like that. I don't want my life to end but I want this feeling to go away. When he leaves I just get sad. I don't understand it either. Why can't I bring myself just to do it? Why? I'm afraid of disappointing him.

Whenever I listen to Ryan Adams I just want to fuck him. I want his hurt to go away and I think that he needs some sort of love to knock it all down the drain. That his pain could become my pain because no one that beautiful should hurt so much. He's amazing and that's probably why he gets so many women because his music is so powerful that you want parts of him in you. I feel like that about Derek. I want parts of him to stay with me. I can still taste him in my mouth. I think he tastes sorta like sandwiches with meat. Now, normally that would be sorta gross but it's a hint of taste and I don't eat meat anymore and to have it in this way is interesting. Third party. I don't even know if he eats that many sandwiches but it's certainly not a bad taste and he certainly is not offending in any way. Though he did seem to get shy when I wanted to see his Swarthmore ID. Good enough for the desksitter but not for me. I want to know what he looked like with long hair. Cute, I would presure. He's a cutie. 
¶ 12:49 PM |