Sometimes I think that the only way to get to know yourself is to get know yourself through others. What I mean by this is that you find out who you are by what others say about you. Hopefully, it's all positive. Mostly it isn't. I wish it was. Lately, I'm starting to get this "I don't give a crap!" type attitude about anything. Then I caught myself thinking about a visitor I might be having next week. I'm starting to think "Oh, shit. I gotta impress this person." It's way hard to think this way. I don't know why it's just this individual I am trying so hard to make like me. I want my first impression to be so stunning. That of course is not me, but a false front I'm putting up to impress someone. Of course, my personality wouldn't change. My appearance can though. I'm starting to run a mental inventory of what's in my closet. I've picked out a dress. I don't wear dresses on a normal basis. It's insane of me to think that I will be able to pull this of. I'm starting to think of shoes that I can wear. I need to look good. Maybe I'll bust out the make-up. This is insane. I don't know why I care so much.

I started comparing this person to other people. Other people that I've had visit. Other people that I've seen. Other people I never though to impress. I was careful when choosing an outfit maybe. Conscious for sure, but never to this extreme weird worrying state. It's really sad. I hate to think that I've slunk down a level. I'm hoping to stun this individual, but if I can't do that with my personality than it doesn't really matter anyway.

Today, I wanted for my friend and I noticed people looking my way. I sure hope they were looking at me or else I've gotten an inflated ego too. Hahaha. Which would be funny cause I would say a great number of the people I've been talking to recently have an ego deal going on. Not in a bad way. I understand why they have it. But it's definately there.

My ideal mate: mod haircut, cuffed jeans, black shirts, and a nipple ring. But I've said it before ideals just suck. Punk boys suck too. I mean, if you are a punk boy I think you are gorgeous, but unless you can disprove to me my theory than you can't really make an argument your way. I haven't really met any nice ones. Ok, that's not true they are nice, but they aren't interested.

I seem to do a good deal of attracting very intelligent older men. I don't mean a lot older but one to three years older than me. I did this in high school when I was 16. It all started with me saying I had never kissed anyone. Then it lead to a kiss. Hmm, this could lead to other things. I won't discuss those here. I have too much pent up sexual tension in me right now. I just hope that I can think clearly. I want a fling.  
¶ 2:31 PM |