Sometimes I feel like posting in here to procrastinate. Other times I like posting just to update so I don't forget it. Sometimes I post because it's really just comforting spewing my problems on to paper or rather pixelating it out here for other people to deal with. I've been pretty bad lately with the updating thing. I've been doing a lot of sleeping. I've lost interest in a lot of things lately and I just feel like being lazy and not thinking right now. I keep replaying what happened last Wednesday in my mind over and over. It's funny how I don't like to let things like that go. I tell it over and over. I think constantly about it until each drop is so rehashed that I have lost the memory altogether. I don't want to go home. Home is a scary place. I don't want to leave Derek. Why do I have to leave just when I found something I really am feeling comfortable about? This blows. I don't want to grow up and sometimes being juvenile is such a comfort. I've started to listen to music I haven't listened to in a long time. My old favorites...Everclear, Our Lady Peace, Collective Soul, etc. Also, I've found a new long with Gwen Stefani. She's so fucking amazing. Thank you VH1! I want to be that kick ass.

I've been thinking more and more about my dream. About what I really want to be when I get out of here. How I love music and that the movie High Fidelity makes me a little giddy. I want to own a record store. I think that would be so amazing. Also, I just love the idea of being surrounded with something that I love. I keep thinking that next year I want to put up signs advertising a female vocalist aka me. I want to be in a band. I don't care what I do. I can't play a single fucking instrument. I want to change that though. I want guitar lessons. I want to be in a ska band though. If I'm going to be in any band than I'm going to be in a band where it's going to be fucking fun to play in every night. Dancing to ska is so much fun. I've run myself down lately on it though. There is nothing new with ska lately. I don't know I get tired easily I guess. I really like Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The White Stripes. Sometimes I wonder if liking them makes me like everyone else in my quest to not be like everyone else I have become the same. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much.

Lately, my friends have been making me so blah. Not my Boston friends but my Dallas friends. I mean fuck yeah I am thankful to have them, but I wonder if you can out grow your friends. That sometimes you start to feel a little too old for them. That you know something they don't and you don't feel like sharing. I am tired. I feel like fading away. I wish I could be more enthusiastic but lately naps have become my new hobby.

Later days. 
¶ 8:57 PM |