"idiots rule the world"

there are times when forms are communication become to overbearing and things are just too much. i want to cut if off. i want to have the last word and that is, "i'm done." over the past few months, i've deconstructed myself down to a T. we are entering the realm of NewDiana and i'm scared. i'm scared to show off how i'm vulnerable and i can only be "all i can be." (note: the army changed their slogan to "army on one." that's so lame.)

lying to yourself gets you nowhere. i have to keep questioning everything. i have to take that deep breath and just let it be there. let those words dangle off my tongue and vomit themselves onto other people. like last night, each second with ian was also one less second i wouldn't be with him anymore. there's something about hanging out with that kid that makes me think. think so hard and then forget. i dont' want to forget. it's like a memory you think so much about that you begin to only remember the bare bones of the situation and soon nothing at all.

i am a superhero: my power is the ability to tell time. ian is my sidekick.

...and that is the stuff we talk about. we talk about philosophy and he's much smarter than i am but he doesn't make me feel stupid. somehow i have tricked him into thinking that i am legitimate and cool enough to hang out with or perhaps i'm just the one in his pack that can boost his ego and say he's good looking. it's nice to be completely honest but than it's hard to tell what you should hold back. i contemplated saying, "i used to have a crush on you and it made me uncomfortable." now, it's not the same. the attractiveness is still there, his personality not making him uglier. sometimes i get lost because we speak in stares and smiles. accidentally, touching his leg and liking it. my arm against his, while complaining about how cold it was in there.

then wondering if i'm supposed to be thinking about someone else while i'm having fun and if i'm not, should i feel guilty? but just that thought alone prooves that i care. not every minute of the day can be consumed by thoughts of others but most of the time they are. i feel guilty though. i feel like i can trust myself but i do have thoughts. "what would this have turned out to be?"

then i reject it. i don't think about it the same way i used to. i don't think about the first kiss or put more meaning in his hug or was there something in his stare. it's just not there. instead i worry, is he getting the wrong idea? am i tease? was that flirting? i worry about how he takes things i say. i wonder.

this summer he said he would call me. i think it was just a nice gesture because he is lazy but i plan on writing him because that's what good friends do. i hope he doesn't forget me. i'm only a shadow. 
¶ 1:04 PM |