sunrise, sunset

cartharsis: n. a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

and we stretched our feet and i danced to the music and he laughed and i felt so good even though there was no hug and no apologies and only lost glances and boys who were nothing i was interested in and that ball in my stomach loosened up and it was okay and for once i felt like i belonged and i didn't care about everyone else because the carbon copies aren't so addicting. and i danced in the median on the way home and they honked and i danced harder. and i felt like smiling and i said "good evening" to everyone i passed and these are the nights where things begin to make sense and where i find out who i really am. and who knew that conor oberst and ian a. could bring it all out of me and i almost want to call my mom but she went only make me upset. and i smell like cigarettes and i've got a bruise on my thigh from running into a chair and it's subtle reminder that i'm still alive and the pain keeps me alert but the purple fades and so will this feeling but for now i know that being myself wins more smiles than being false and having false friends who didn't care in the first place.

the bruise in my heart and after-the-concert-conversations:

ian (12:10:50 AM): good concert
a rusted pillow (12:11:11 AM): yeah it was
a rusted pillow (12:11:35 AM): when i came home i realized that i had that song playing on winamp
a rusted pillow (12:11:38 AM): weird.
ian (12:11:41 AM): ooooooh
ian (12:11:44 AM): eerie
a rusted pillow (12:11:48 AM): very.
a rusted pillow (12:16:20 AM): i smell like cigarette smoke.
a rusted pillow (12:16:26 AM): ...and i danced on the way home.
a rusted pillow (12:16:50 AM): and people honked at me cause i was in the median dancing.
ian (12:17:35 AM): is that a true story?
a rusted pillow (12:17:43 AM): yes.
a rusted pillow (12:17:57 AM): i was in a good mood.
a rusted pillow (12:18:06 AM): and you didnt' hug me, creep.
ian (12:18:11 AM): i guess you had some catharsis then at the show
ian (12:18:32 AM): sorry
a rusted pillow (12:18:45 AM): it's ok
a rusted pillow (12:18:57 AM): cause when i pick up my magazines i promise to hug you
ian (12:19:27 AM): well i put my schedule up in my profile
ian (12:19:39 AM): so any day thats not listed or before a day listed is a ok
ian (12:21:47 AM): im sure we'll work something out
a rusted pillow (12:21:51 AM): well give me a day
a rusted pillow (12:22:01 AM): i should wait till after friday though
ian (12:22:07 AM): ok
ian (12:22:14 AM): well then we'll decide later
a rusted pillow (12:22:18 AM): ok
ian (12:22:22 AM): i dont like this planning so far ahead
ian (12:22:25 AM): it makes me nervous
a rusted pillow (12:22:32 AM): INSECURE
a rusted pillow (12:22:48 AM): we are all insecure.
ian (12:22:51 AM): dont trap me! i live to feel free
a rusted pillow (12:22:56 AM): and it makes me nervous not to plan ahead.
ian (12:23:02 AM): just let me be
a rusted pillow (12:23:09 AM): stop forcing your ideals on me.
a rusted pillow (12:23:19 AM): you live to die.
ian (12:23:25 AM): says who?
a rusted pillow (12:23:49 AM): says me
ian (12:24:02 AM): well i guess then we have a differring in opinion
a rusted pillow (12:24:32 AM): that doesn't even matter
a rusted pillow (12:24:50 AM): cause deep down inside you know i'm right
a rusted pillow (12:25:06 AM): and i smell like cigarettes and you
ian (12:25:46 AM): you think we live to die, that completely backwards we live to live
a rusted pillow (12:26:14 AM): no -- we live to love but then we realize that will never work out so we live to die
ian (12:26:17 AM): the only purpose of life is to maintain and duplicate itself
ian (12:26:34 AM): love as you call it is only a tool for those ends
a rusted pillow (12:26:41 AM): love is false
a rusted pillow (12:26:42 AM): i know this
a rusted pillow (12:26:55 AM): everyone i've loved has been a lie to get to other means
ian (12:27:10 AM): its not false, it exists, its just that its not an ideal
a rusted pillow (12:27:30 AM): i'm bitter.
a rusted pillow (12:27:40 AM): i'd rather be alone than in love.
a rusted pillow (12:28:01 AM): and i'm addicted to this sunrise, sunset song.
ian (12:28:01 AM): psha
a rusted pillow (12:28:14 AM): this is when i start arguing things i don't really believe in
ian (12:28:52 AM): would you really rather be alone than in love?
a rusted pillow (12:31:55 AM): no.
a rusted pillow (12:32:00 AM): but that would be easier.
a rusted pillow (12:32:11 AM): cause i don't like feeling broken.
ian (12:32:16 AM): me neither
ian (12:32:38 AM): im goin to shower right now though because im all smoky
a rusted pillow (12:32:43 AM): me too
a rusted pillow (12:32:45 AM): i like it.
ian (12:32:52 AM): and you and your gender can just self destruct
a rusted pillow (12:32:58 AM): haha
a rusted pillow (12:33:03 AM): whatever -- you like us.
a rusted pillow (12:33:05 AM): kit
ian (12:33:08 AM): kit 
¶ 12:43 AM |