hushed, unhushed

and the world told me shh and i said alright. i made sure to listen up and not make a mistake. "i don't care. i don't need your words, i'll invent my own." and it made me like everyone else too afraid to say, "cock vagina pussy" in your ear. i started profanity exercises as soon as i hit twenty. i wanted to see what i could get away with in public. what i could shout. what i had to whisper. how even now Hitler and Nazi are more looked down on than Fuck or Cunt.

now it's about word play. how creative i can be with the least amount of words. how literary is not refined and sugar is no longer grained. now nothing can be just sweet or loved or cherished; it has to be more special -- badder, greater, uglier. it's about how many very you can tack on. how i've lost the contest. how i lost every contest. i'm no beauty pageant. i'm just plain and spread thinly like low fat cream cheese on spinach bagels. i want to give it all or give nothing. no inbetweens sugary coated piece of bullshit, where i'm lying to myself so badly that i become blind to even the faintest real emotion. i just have to step back and say, "no, this was never right."

i had to make a list to make sense of it all.
-blue eyes
-thin wrists
-5'8" minimum
-musician
-writer
-artist
-likes animals
-must enjoy ethnic food
-witty, sarcastic
-knows when to stop
-charming
-caring
-funny
-nerdy
-longish hair
-big hands
-nice voice
-well read
-older
-good imagination
-silly
-good taste in music

and where did these go? i gave them up in temporary delusions. i said, "one out of ten, ain't so bad." it's not that the rules can't be broken, but they shouldn't have to be. i'd rather live alone in idealism then take second best.
 
¶ 2:35 AM |