i am not deliciously saucy

in my yearbook i am memorized by your eyes and it makes me think i was never for you. i am not the stars that light your eyes. i'm ready to drop the act.

just yesterday i ate in front of strangers. not a different task but before it would send me into nervous fits. i would talk to fill the silence and when the meal was over, i was just beginning.

for years i was called "pretty but plain." i cherished not being the girl that turned heads. i had something to find. a sunken treasure.

each second i lose a piece of myself to be absorbed by a friend. a foe. a lover. a bluejay. my mother. i start to evolve. i start to become smaller. shrinking into a piece of the clouds on a blue day. a nail in the patio. a patch on teh knee of your favorite jeans.

i am in want to be lost. really lost. not just the lost i keep saying i am.

i try to disconnect from you but the sequencing isn't right. i am not ready for you to go just yet. you give me something to be angry about. i love the sound of hoplessness in your voice. were you always that way?and to me your hands are like ice.

and to me your voice is nice. warm wit dampened by intellectual bravado. strip it down. just a boy. as one goes away -- ignore, ignore -- another merciless in his pursuit. i have set teh mind on fire with some presumed notion. he probably thinks i'm something he wants or something i'm not. i'm none of those things. i retreat as an old soul, im not ready to give just yet. physical pleasure pulling my thoughts to the gritted teeth of angels sunken in quick sand. 
¶ 1:03 AM |