i'm sure i've had this title before much like i've addressed this subject to death. i guess somethings need to work themselves out slowly.

i guess the moment i saw you i knew that something wasn't really right. i didn't like how you looked at first glance. i can admit that now. i got used to it. there was something flawless in your face, perhaps hiding all the flaws underneath. i wanted to see behind your eyes. i wanted to live within the them and see what you saw. i couldn't tell the difference right at first. i knew that you wanted me and i guess i thought that was fine but i was suspicious. i didn't want to let you in right away. i didn't feel like editing you and looking for the bits i didn't like. i knew they were there but i shoved them to the side. i would put them in a box under the bed and take them out on the next rainy day. i got numb, so i let you in. i knew i made myself like you more than you liked me. i said the "i love yous" unnatural because even half out of my mind i had to make myself say it again and again in my head to make it sound right. i like you. i dismised it. i love you. there, that was better. that was the answer you were looking for. something to make you warm inside where your lack of heart was. i didn't want to be just a replacement but each new love teaches you one new thing. i don't think it was bad but it certainly wasn't fair and it certainly wasn't right but it wasn't bad. you taught me what boys had to do for my love. what boys had to do with my hands with my face and with my mind. you touched me in places where boys often forgot -- the soul. there was something deeper to the madness and it wasn't just sex, if even in my mind i made it seem that's all you wanted. i know i don't think it was just that. i know it was more. you told me it was more. i believe you but i want to shun you. i want to hate you but you were too good. each new love bringing you something new.

i suppose he brought me to you. "just think about it," i remember you saying once. one of the times when i knew you were right but i denied it. i threw it in the box with the flaws to look at when i had more time. one of those rainy days that we talked about where you would read to me in the park on a bench and we would hold hands under a blanket. i guess i should have known something was up when i found you. when you are pushing feelings down to your toes to hide what you already know but you were comfortable. i was comfortable with the "other guy." it could have been right, i suppose. i wanted it to be right.

i said i wouldn't love another. i said it was all hopeless. i guess i know that i'm just lying to myself again because i'm full of something. lust. love. crush. something. it's there and it boils to uncomfortable levels when i'm not with you. tonight was one of the nights when i felt like talking to you was the only way to calm my restlessness. i dream about your hands on my thighs and i wish i could block that out but my subconscious is working on overdrive when i'm not around you.

i can't really push him out though. a valentine's gift a day late. when you have to squeeze all your memories from so short a time. so short a meeting. i suppose everything flies by quickly but there was nothing i was clutching so it still remains. the hug is like yesterday and the kiss is just a look you gave me once the day when we barely held hands. i remember when i looked at you and your face started to become just a shape. just a round smear that i could forget. i didn't though. you put on your glasses and we ate middle eastern food, well...i just watched and we wanted opium in our food and we wrote haikus about ninjas on the dirt and we bent the guitar strings into hearts and we were tired but we were alive. we proved two heads work better than one and i like us a team. i want us to be one for a long time. i can't really help liking you from a distance because your eyes were the most honest. i never have to try with you.

if we last the summer it will be longer than me and that other guy. i want to ask you steady and share a shake with one straw but something doesn't feel right just yet. i'm anxious but i think it's going to be okay and i think you've taught me another lesson and you possess everything i want in a person. so please stay because my head isn't right without you there.

 
¶ 4:06 PM |