Saturday, June 14, 2003
saving up for rainy days
there i was talking about marriage again. the youngest one obviously not knowing a thing. i'm just a kid, right? i think right now i'm more grown up than anyone in the room, even the one that's married with three kids doesn't know what it's like to have it all and lose it all. i don't want to wait forever but i would to get just some of the things that make someone perfect in my mind. i've decided that dating my mirror image just won't work. i can't help being attracted to someone just like me. is this really what i want? question: is this really what you want? please, don't stick with me just because i'm all you got. so many people brush off the best things about them. me included. i sell my self short so i don't get disappointed.
and this is just another exercise like this whole "project" was in the beginning. just some soul searching in a public domain. this is part of the therapy. part of the job. part of writing. i've started reading writing down the bones again just to see if i remembered correctly. and i'm supposed to write something everyday by hand but i've given it up to hear the click of the keys. i miss the hand on the paper. the black ink smears on my fingers. wrists. hands. forearm. i turn my nose up and laugh at how easy this came to me. how every sentence i type i want to immediately erase and how none of this is something i want someone to read but i'm bored and i can't stop thinking or writing. last night, i was on. i could smell you like you were here and i kissed the air expecting you to be there in the hall. but i just opened my eyes to disappointment. i've given up. i'm "her" and you are "you," except there are a lot of yous out there and i can't address you all by proper name. there's something lost here. something lost. i looked back over my shoulder and there it was again. his last name reminding me. louisiana avenue on the highway. i can't escape whatever it means but i can only read so much into a sign and try to make it my own. not everything belongs to me and i suppose i could give something up. i'm really quite obsessive by nature.
i just want this to make sense again. i want to know the answers so i don't have to make the decisions.
¶ 4:07 PM
|
there i was talking about marriage again. the youngest one obviously not knowing a thing. i'm just a kid, right? i think right now i'm more grown up than anyone in the room, even the one that's married with three kids doesn't know what it's like to have it all and lose it all. i don't want to wait forever but i would to get just some of the things that make someone perfect in my mind. i've decided that dating my mirror image just won't work. i can't help being attracted to someone just like me. is this really what i want? question: is this really what you want? please, don't stick with me just because i'm all you got. so many people brush off the best things about them. me included. i sell my self short so i don't get disappointed.
and this is just another exercise like this whole "project" was in the beginning. just some soul searching in a public domain. this is part of the therapy. part of the job. part of writing. i've started reading writing down the bones again just to see if i remembered correctly. and i'm supposed to write something everyday by hand but i've given it up to hear the click of the keys. i miss the hand on the paper. the black ink smears on my fingers. wrists. hands. forearm. i turn my nose up and laugh at how easy this came to me. how every sentence i type i want to immediately erase and how none of this is something i want someone to read but i'm bored and i can't stop thinking or writing. last night, i was on. i could smell you like you were here and i kissed the air expecting you to be there in the hall. but i just opened my eyes to disappointment. i've given up. i'm "her" and you are "you," except there are a lot of yous out there and i can't address you all by proper name. there's something lost here. something lost. i looked back over my shoulder and there it was again. his last name reminding me. louisiana avenue on the highway. i can't escape whatever it means but i can only read so much into a sign and try to make it my own. not everything belongs to me and i suppose i could give something up. i'm really quite obsessive by nature.
i just want this to make sense again. i want to know the answers so i don't have to make the decisions.
¶ 4:07 PM
|
