Sunday, June 01, 2003
so long
maybe in high school i was pushing people away. maybe i was the one they liked. i was just too lost in my own world to notice. i like it that way, too. it's easier to be hated than loved.
_________________________________________
i remember where i first saw you. you sat next to me, unassigned, and you spelled it out for me too: c-o-r-g-a-n. i stared across the study lab at you that day and the next day and the day after that one. i think i knew your class schedule better than you did, ditching to go smoke cigarettes in that bush across the street was more your style. the three-way calls just to hear your voice: sorry, wrong number. and i guess that's where it got started. i forced my way into your life and you didn't seem to mind. subtle hints gone to shit, i would wait for you to get out of gym class. you: hi, how are you? me: boy troubles. i have a crush on someone. you: really, who? by the smile on my face you knew who it was and i didn't mind you knowing. i just wasn't kendall or melissa or lorna. i wasn't one of those girls, but i was one of them -- one of the many.
junior year, we started to sit together and i remember the full sweat you would have on that day. you were quitting smoking (again) and you told me about how you couldn't sleep at night and how you coughed up the black tar. and then we would pass notes and play that square game, where you connect the dots to make squares and fill in your initials and whoever had the most won. you never had a pen, so i lent you mine. i thought i was being cute, when i made a special pen with your name on it, but you were being cuter when i told you about the hugs and you stopped talking to me -- a friendly protest of giving up our friendship on the basis on me not wanting to give you a hug. "not in public." for once, i didn't want to be associated with you. although, i did give in and i didn't really care who saw us anymore. i figured when you came to me instead of her that you liked me more. i was in an awkward place but i liked you more. two sides of the story -- i would have done a lot for you back then.
two years, one year of college and another one spent working. faded. gone. just a part of my past now. you were still doing nothing and you joked about how you were jealous. i know, that's why i told you about the others. i heard it in your voice, you still liked me after all that time. well, since you admitted it to me senior year in that note in study lab and then i said, "sorry." it was nice to know that some things never change and that you wanted to get together and i knew i would kiss you.
i couldn't look at you while you smoked that joint and i could still taste it on your lips when we kissed later. you never called me back. i didn't care.
cut to: now, today, yesterday -- 5-31-03
there was something in your voice, like you hadn't been with someone in a long time and you were just being nice listening to me chatter away about my second year in boston. "are you doing something tonight?" and i knew there would be drinking and drugs and stuff i couldn't stand but you sounded so lonely. i couldn't stand to hear it. you, lonely? it made me hurt to think that someone like you could feel so alone. someone that always had someone around them at every moment of the day. i suppose that second time was better. when you held my hand and pulled me into your room to look at pictures and you showed me your cousin and your artwork and we sat on the bed and watched the cat awkwardly. "can we just kiss now and get it over with?" why was it harder this time? the lips were familiar, just like they were the last time even though i didn't know them. well, not on the same person. i liked it when you held me and said, "i dreamed about this." i smiled because i had too.
¶ 10:55 PM
|
maybe in high school i was pushing people away. maybe i was the one they liked. i was just too lost in my own world to notice. i like it that way, too. it's easier to be hated than loved.
_________________________________________
i remember where i first saw you. you sat next to me, unassigned, and you spelled it out for me too: c-o-r-g-a-n. i stared across the study lab at you that day and the next day and the day after that one. i think i knew your class schedule better than you did, ditching to go smoke cigarettes in that bush across the street was more your style. the three-way calls just to hear your voice: sorry, wrong number. and i guess that's where it got started. i forced my way into your life and you didn't seem to mind. subtle hints gone to shit, i would wait for you to get out of gym class. you: hi, how are you? me: boy troubles. i have a crush on someone. you: really, who? by the smile on my face you knew who it was and i didn't mind you knowing. i just wasn't kendall or melissa or lorna. i wasn't one of those girls, but i was one of them -- one of the many.
junior year, we started to sit together and i remember the full sweat you would have on that day. you were quitting smoking (again) and you told me about how you couldn't sleep at night and how you coughed up the black tar. and then we would pass notes and play that square game, where you connect the dots to make squares and fill in your initials and whoever had the most won. you never had a pen, so i lent you mine. i thought i was being cute, when i made a special pen with your name on it, but you were being cuter when i told you about the hugs and you stopped talking to me -- a friendly protest of giving up our friendship on the basis on me not wanting to give you a hug. "not in public." for once, i didn't want to be associated with you. although, i did give in and i didn't really care who saw us anymore. i figured when you came to me instead of her that you liked me more. i was in an awkward place but i liked you more. two sides of the story -- i would have done a lot for you back then.
two years, one year of college and another one spent working. faded. gone. just a part of my past now. you were still doing nothing and you joked about how you were jealous. i know, that's why i told you about the others. i heard it in your voice, you still liked me after all that time. well, since you admitted it to me senior year in that note in study lab and then i said, "sorry." it was nice to know that some things never change and that you wanted to get together and i knew i would kiss you.
i couldn't look at you while you smoked that joint and i could still taste it on your lips when we kissed later. you never called me back. i didn't care.
cut to: now, today, yesterday -- 5-31-03
there was something in your voice, like you hadn't been with someone in a long time and you were just being nice listening to me chatter away about my second year in boston. "are you doing something tonight?" and i knew there would be drinking and drugs and stuff i couldn't stand but you sounded so lonely. i couldn't stand to hear it. you, lonely? it made me hurt to think that someone like you could feel so alone. someone that always had someone around them at every moment of the day. i suppose that second time was better. when you held my hand and pulled me into your room to look at pictures and you showed me your cousin and your artwork and we sat on the bed and watched the cat awkwardly. "can we just kiss now and get it over with?" why was it harder this time? the lips were familiar, just like they were the last time even though i didn't know them. well, not on the same person. i liked it when you held me and said, "i dreamed about this." i smiled because i had too.
¶ 10:55 PM
|
