The Hipster Brigade
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
 
email to a boy i once knew or i thought i knew (edited for length and content)

A lot of people prefer the Waffle House to Denny's, something about those famous hash browns. I don't know there's something a little unsettling about the yellow small houses for which they are located. My mom keeps wanting to drag me into one and I once knew two math nerds that spend the night studying for a Pre Calculus test in there. I am intrigued but I still refuse to step in one. My heart is at Denny's. I remember Denny's as a little girl and we used to go there and I think I would get pancakes. I can't really remember. I've always been a big breakfast fan. Doesn't make a lot sense considering that I don't like waking up in the mornings. I love mornings, I just don't like waking up. I love the calm of mornings in the dorm. It's so quiet and it's the best time to think in THIS room. Anyways, I digress...I remember when my mom was leaving to go to Pennsylvania (roadtrip style) one summer and she took my sister and I to a Denny's for a last meal at like 11 pm. We had to drive a half an hour to the good Denny's since my mom refuses to step foot into the closer one. Something about the ghetto town for which it is located. I take Denny's wherever it is. That night I will always remember. I didn't eat my fatty bacon but I gobbled down those eggs like no tomorrow. I knew mom was going and I knew I would miss her and it was nice to just sit in one of those round booths with her in the middle.

Denny's also happened again as a late night 3 am outing for my last supper with friends (Geerah, Skyler, Johanna, James, and I'm sure others I
shouldn't have forgotten) right before I left for Emerson. They had taken me to a club/restaurant where we were the youngest ones there. We danced and it was hilarious. Zak (Geerah's Dad) got so drunk that Geerah had to drive us without an actual license or her driver's permit on hand. *breaking the law, breaking the law...or however that song goes* We got there safely and Johanna, Skyler, and Zak promptly started throwing spit balls at each other with the excess of straws the overly nice waitress tossed on our table just for this reason. Geerah and I acted like we didn't know them. It was funny though. I ordered coffee and the waitress gave everyone huge helpings of dessert. She came back and chit chatted with us. It was a fun night at Denny's and we didn't get back in until 4:30am that morning.

I've always been one to embrace the night. I really mean it when I wish I didn't have to sleep. I once had a conversation about how I wish that when we read books that somehow that was sleeping but consciously. That somehow rested our bodies. I hate sleeping because it wastes time. I used to not go to movies because I hated to know that I just spent two hours not doing anything. Now, I love the feelings of movies. I feel a bit dangerous now. Movies are a treat and I think that's why I'm so picky about what I see. I really have to be dragged to be social sometimes. I like to keep to myself. I've always done better with small groups and with one close friend. I like to lend myself out to one person and I like to know that that one person will be there when I need to share or if they need to let it all out one night. I miss staying up all night and just talking and dreaming and letting myself out to one person. I don't have those sleep overs anymore. I wish I did. I miss them and I need them.

I hate to say that sometimes I let stuff stay in but sometimes I do. I love talking it all out until it just doesn't make sense anymore and all I can say is "I don't know" over and over again. I analyze the situation so much that things don't make sense anymore or I start believing the exact opposite of what's really going on. I have a hard time talking things out unless someone is there to really give me good advice. I know I have a lot of faults and I really hate admitting to them. Actually, my mom is the only one brave enough to point them out and I thank her for that. I'm really glad that you aren't afraid to hold back what you are thinking like the rest of everyone else. Yeah, I admit to be taken aback and to being upset but who wants to have faults pointed out to them. I am someone that wants to know how to change myself to tweak out the damaged bits. Fuck, I want to know what's making me so unhappy.

New subject: Mix tapes. I love to make them. I think they are a really important part of life. I have so much music I want to share with everyone. I put a lot of love in a mix tape and I put a bit of myself in each one. I have strange ways of flirting and I definitely do it through music. When I like someone (which really isn't the case here as you mean so much more to me than anyone else I've ever met before) I go all out. I spend a lot of time on them because they make me happy. I like to share myself with them. I want to give presents and little things to show that I care - making mix tapes is definitely one of them. I make things. I write things. I think things. That's just what I do.

So, about this AIM theory...you've only met me once as well and you only know me as much as I know you. You keep bringing that up but it's
the same for you. How is it different for me? Isn't it the same for you? Actually, you probably see through me a lot easier. I know sometimes it seems like I'm trying and sometimes that's true but I only agree if I do believe it's true. It's just weird that we like the same things. I've come to terms that I will not know everything you know and I haven't seen all the movies or read all the books or played all the games. I want to know and I like listening. If something makes you happy I want to know aobut it. I want you to share with me because how else will learn about it. That's all I really wanted was someone to share with me what they like and we can share. It sounds sappy but sometimes it's hard to tell a person that you use to watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and still watch Mr. Rogers. I never felt comfortable with Derek and would purposely lay out things in order to gain his approval. I know that's a shame and I shouldn't have done that but I was looking for some approval that I was cool. Sometimes you just need to be taken in by some sort of clique. I always wanted to belong and I miss having the prestige I had as leader of the pack back in 8th grade. Sometimes it makes me sick how much I miss it. I'm a lot better this year as I've found myself saying "no" more than "yes" and I know that I'm making decisions based on what's right for me and no one else.

I get so lost in these emails. I probably contradict myself so many times because I discover myself best through this sort of writing. I think that's why I want to be a writer. I want to write for myself and if someone else likes it, well than that's good. It's probably not a good way to look at writing. I don't care though.

It scares me that your mom knew about me. I thought it was cute and she sounded nice and I just can't stop talking about it. No one's made me talk to their mother before.

I hate getting off the phone with you and I wish we could talk forever because I find you that interesting and I wish you were here and or I was there so we didn't have to leave so quickly. I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you what I think. Facial expressions tell so much about a person. That way you would know I was still there and that I wasn't crying and if I was pissed or not. I don't think you're rude. I'm just scared sometimes that you will find out that I'm dumb and boring and you won't want to talk to me anymore. I'm still waiting for you to realize that. *phew* I finally said it. Things sound so terrible when you write them and when you say them and then someone else reads them and they aren't that bad.

I think I spent 30 minutes writing this email, probably longer and I'm all off schedule. I'm really keen on this tattoo idea but I'm pretty sure if you want custom tattoos that you have to make reservations ahead of time. We'll talk about it some more. It's funny how much sense this makes to me.

-D-

P.S. I'm still hungry for burritos and it's all your fault and all I had for dinner was some lousy potato chips and applesauce. And people wonder why I'm so skinny. I think I probably should eat healthier. I'll work on that.


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