every breath is a bomb

i take life too seriously. i should be having fun. i've always been hesitant about letting myself go and enjoying the moment. i'm the one on the outside. i stand on the outskirts looking in. i want to be invited and when i am, it still doesn't feel right.

tonight i am the scene of southern dallas county. i'm hanging out with 17 year olds, each with their own band and significant other. they drink. they do drugs. why the fuck am i here?

i can't say i'm lost because it does make sense to me. i'm almost 22 but i fit in with these kids. i can't call them kids because they already know so much more than i did at their age. i'm not sure what happened to youth but it's out of vogue. to be young is to be left behind. i'd rather be like them anyways. but i'm glad i'm my age and like this. i couldn't have handled this back then. it would have been too much pressure.

teenagers like to loiter. we hang out in two seperate parking lots. we hang out in three different people's houses. we drive around with no destination. we finally decide to go to the creek. 10 mile creek. it's by my house. i've walked by here a thousand times on my way to wal-greens. it's 10:30 at night and this is probably the only time i would have pulled my long skirt to the side and tied it like a pony tail to the side. we waded. and we saw the bugs skimming the water.

sometimes you just have to let go. sometimes you have to learn when not to say no. i think i might be making all my dumb mistakes as an adult.

they took me home because my better judgement told me it was the "right" thing to do. it's going to take a long time to knock that habit out of me. perhaps a punch in the ear. 
¶ 8:32 PM |