sometimes never just means no

no is a word i just don't have in me. it comes from having too little of everything -- friends, whiskey and sex. i'm all those twangy country songs about being alone.

i think the thing you said was true, i'm going to die alone and sad.

when i think back about how happy i never was and realize now that's just a facade. i've been happy or at least not miserable. when i think about what's to come, that's when i think i might be happy or at least not so bad.

someone told me that i've made you into the impossible dream, but even the unattainable is better than what i've got -- my favorite sin, lust.

if i could close my eyes and rewind time, i'd be in a booth next to hugh gardner. i'd be eleven years old. i'd be scooting in closer instead of sitting on the edge too scared of nothing and everything at the same time. that's my one regret, i always say.


think about you lying there.
those blankets lie so still.
nothing moves out here in the cold.
nothing breathes or even smiles.
i've been thinking some of suicide.

i'd like to reverse that. 
¶ 11:20 AM |