the beach

i never had an attachment to the water. other than i always preferred baths to showers, except now i don't have the patience for them. not even bubble baths.

as a child, we traveled a lot and i remember hotel swimming pools and playing with my father. he'd pretend he was dead and float across the water, face down, and i'd tug him by his toes. then sometimes he'd be a shark and i'd scream as he chased me around with his hand up like the infamous Jaws fin. i never was good at getting away. i never learned how to swim, despite his many attempts. i refused to swim underwater. instead, i can do this doggy paddle frog kick type thing and i get around without drowning. i can hold my breath, i'm just no fish.

the last time i went to the beach was three years ago on easter. i was in oahu and we thought we had found a quiet beach, but when we went back there were tons of people there flying kites and becoming rich with a leathery tanned cancerous coat of skin. i walked around in shorts and a bright blue shirt with bunnies on the front. i changed into my swimming suit, perhaps the first time i'd worn one in two years. it was new just for the occasion. a two piece. i had never owned one of those before. it barely showed my skin at all, although, now i think i could handle that. i'm less of a "prude" than i was before or rather, just not scared.

my father and i just walked along the water and staring out over the sea and watching the surfers. suddenly, a man ran up to us and informed us we were about to walk right into a seal. and there it was right before us. they angry easy and i can just imagine being attacked by a sunbathing seal. pretty in a way, tragic in another.

that was the last day i can remember at the beach, but i know there were other times.

i remember wading in the water by galveston island. the gulf of mexico, i'd imagine. the waves were high and we were scared of getting stung by jellyfish. and i would go out in the water and jump into the waves which would carry you standing to a different location. you felt like flying. so fluid.

and then before that i start to draw more blanks. i know there are pictures. i'm grimacing and in overalls and there's a waterfall and across from that set of rocks is the beach but we didn't go that day. my dad's shorts are way too short and he looks younger than i can remember him being.

then there's seattle, washington and the cabin on base. those pictures were so perfect. when i was still mommy's little girl and i was wearing dresses. it was christmas but it wasn't cold. and i'd always buy hot cocoa on the ferry ride to the city. i remember being sick to my stomach and watching A Christmas Story. that was my favorite movie. i asked for a poodle that year and i didn't get one. i had to use socks as stockings.

later that christmas day, my mom held my hand and we watched hermit crabs on the beach.  
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