Monday, December 08, 2003
this one is just because i like lists so much
10 things i would definitely NOT do:
10. play strip poker. the logic behind this is that i don't know how to play poker. i'd be naked faster than Michael Jackson at an orphanage. i would play strip uno though, because i play a mean game of uno and i like naked men.
9. marry for money. money is essential to living, i do understand. i just wouldn't be able to fuck some fat bearded businessman, even if he was worth 3 million. let's face it, i'm going to be poor and married to some artsy type.
8. be a clown. seriously, why do clowns make people laugh? clowns are frightening. have you seen the movie It? i mean they made a goddamn movie about how frightening they can be. i avoid clowns at all costs, which means when i am dragged to the circus, i have to close my eyes when it's their part. seriously, wearing that much make-up can't be healthy. just ask tammy faye.
7. make out with brad pitt. i just can't bring myself to join in that "i wanna sex brad pitt" army. don't get me wrong, brad pitt has his moments of sexidom but like he is not my type. i'm trying to overcome it, really, but i just can't. i'd much rather sex rufus wainwright and he's a gay man. not to mention that i'm on a blonde hair/blue eyes kick lately.
6. own a gerbil. most people know me as being a very humane person, but there is no way i'd own a gerbil. in fact, i hope that an army of Predators come and line them up and have their way with them. i guess i could have one forced on me from the save-a-gerbil foundation, but i'd like to avoid them. they are ugly creatures. i have no idea what mother nature was thinking -- a face only she could love, perhaps.
5. shoot/own a gun. i remember growing up and hating the man that invented guns. i still have no idea who that man is, but i mean i guess there are some acceptable gunnage i'd own, like a potato gun or a Red Ryder BB gun. it would be more of a conversation piece, i think. otherwise, they just don't appeal to me in the least.
4. get my breasts augmented. i hate when i'm watching porn and i have to watch some woman with enormous tits blow some ugly dude. that does not get me off, well that, and i can't get off to blow jobs. there is much to be said about real breasts, and that it's they're awesome.
3. fuck in a public bathroom. i mean i like the element of being caught and all. that's exciting and sexy, but i have no idea what else has been happening in that bathroom. i just can't get the image of me and conor oberst going at it, and then the person in the stall over asking for a roll of toilet paper because they are out or maybe they are constipated and you know, having a hard time. there is no way i can continue to be turned on when someone is gruntily trying to go about their business. perhaps if it was one of those self-cleaning ones in Japan than maybe. oh, i'd definitely sex in the famous CBGB's bathroom. seriously, that bathroom is the stuff of legends. sometimes you have to amend your own nevers.
2. flirt with a homeless person. homeless people hit on me all the time. homeless people hit on everyone, but i don't care if they are the most attractive homeless person in the world, i would still steer clear of their urine smell and their lack of being able to keep their internal monologue internal. although, i do that sometimes and people give me strange looks in the Common. yeah, i guess that's why i can't get dates.
1. wear depends. ever. i'd rather have a catheter, because there is a great band named the catheters and i'd like to be associated with only the great, not the geriatric.
¶ 6:02 AM
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10 things i would definitely NOT do:
10. play strip poker. the logic behind this is that i don't know how to play poker. i'd be naked faster than Michael Jackson at an orphanage. i would play strip uno though, because i play a mean game of uno and i like naked men.
9. marry for money. money is essential to living, i do understand. i just wouldn't be able to fuck some fat bearded businessman, even if he was worth 3 million. let's face it, i'm going to be poor and married to some artsy type.
8. be a clown. seriously, why do clowns make people laugh? clowns are frightening. have you seen the movie It? i mean they made a goddamn movie about how frightening they can be. i avoid clowns at all costs, which means when i am dragged to the circus, i have to close my eyes when it's their part. seriously, wearing that much make-up can't be healthy. just ask tammy faye.
7. make out with brad pitt. i just can't bring myself to join in that "i wanna sex brad pitt" army. don't get me wrong, brad pitt has his moments of sexidom but like he is not my type. i'm trying to overcome it, really, but i just can't. i'd much rather sex rufus wainwright and he's a gay man. not to mention that i'm on a blonde hair/blue eyes kick lately.
6. own a gerbil. most people know me as being a very humane person, but there is no way i'd own a gerbil. in fact, i hope that an army of Predators come and line them up and have their way with them. i guess i could have one forced on me from the save-a-gerbil foundation, but i'd like to avoid them. they are ugly creatures. i have no idea what mother nature was thinking -- a face only she could love, perhaps.
5. shoot/own a gun. i remember growing up and hating the man that invented guns. i still have no idea who that man is, but i mean i guess there are some acceptable gunnage i'd own, like a potato gun or a Red Ryder BB gun. it would be more of a conversation piece, i think. otherwise, they just don't appeal to me in the least.
4. get my breasts augmented. i hate when i'm watching porn and i have to watch some woman with enormous tits blow some ugly dude. that does not get me off, well that, and i can't get off to blow jobs. there is much to be said about real breasts, and that it's they're awesome.
3. fuck in a public bathroom. i mean i like the element of being caught and all. that's exciting and sexy, but i have no idea what else has been happening in that bathroom. i just can't get the image of me and conor oberst going at it, and then the person in the stall over asking for a roll of toilet paper because they are out or maybe they are constipated and you know, having a hard time. there is no way i can continue to be turned on when someone is gruntily trying to go about their business. perhaps if it was one of those self-cleaning ones in Japan than maybe. oh, i'd definitely sex in the famous CBGB's bathroom. seriously, that bathroom is the stuff of legends. sometimes you have to amend your own nevers.
2. flirt with a homeless person. homeless people hit on me all the time. homeless people hit on everyone, but i don't care if they are the most attractive homeless person in the world, i would still steer clear of their urine smell and their lack of being able to keep their internal monologue internal. although, i do that sometimes and people give me strange looks in the Common. yeah, i guess that's why i can't get dates.
1. wear depends. ever. i'd rather have a catheter, because there is a great band named the catheters and i'd like to be associated with only the great, not the geriatric.
¶ 6:02 AM
|
