old flames

i was reading this entry over at one face life and it made me stop and think about how far i've come from those early days of dating and relationships.

most of the boys that i used to date or make out with or lust over, i don't talk to anymore. i can't tell if this is sad or just normal. occasionally, they come out of nowhere and instant message me, which i'm surprised by at first and then sometimes very annoyed. a lot of them want me back in some sort of way, mostly sexual. it's flattering and utterly disgusting that is the only way that i can be remembered. so many boys seem turned on by my honesty and openess with my body. which i finally learned to share with someone that cares about my mind and personality than just my breasts.

but then some of them don't talk to me at all anymore. some are just gone. i can find them easily enough if i wanted to, but i don't because i don't want to. when you stumble across someone's blog entry about destroying things you made for them and justifying the things you bought for them, then well, you figure it's time to let go. i'm not sure how to say i'm sorry. so i just don't think about it. that's never how i wanted it to be. just sometimes are not what you are think they are, and the boys i used to like were making me more sad than happy. i just knew something wasn't right, and might be the main reason i'm on medication right now. i wasn't right.

i sad that i had to use the block function on aim. i just needed to cut everyone off that i couldn't deal with anymore. i don't need surprises. i'm much too fragile.

most of my old loves i can't think about anymore. i'm sorry and angry for breaking hearts or letting people go or for the distance that made it impossible. i'm not regretful now though. i'm happily and dandily and head-over-heels in love with my boyfriend. yeah, it was quite a struggle at the beginning, but everything worked out. fate, mayhaps. but i can't forget what brought me here. who made me who i am. each one of those people made me who i am and helped me figure myself out. everyone that i've come in contact with has helped me.

i'm sorry that love of sex has made me make some of the worst decisions in my life, perhaps some of my only regrets in life. i wasn't thinking straight. i didn't know who i was, so i wasn't working from a plane where i understood what i was doing. i guess i can't explain it.

the best thing that has happened to me was living in a new dorm last year and just being on my own. yeah, i made a lot of mistakes, became suicidal again but i also gained new friendships and learned to trust again. i remember saying, "i don't believe in love" and now i can't say that anymore. but i still firmly believe that love is way too mushy and gross for me.

eww! 
¶ 3:35 AM |