polka dot soldier

today i woke up and i felt exhausted like i had been up all night crying. the problem being that i haven't shed a single tear in days. my left wrist still aches, but it's slowly fading away. the simple task of walking the dog makes me sweat, and i feel disgusting all day.

the things that made the day bareable are small and forgetable. washing a ton of dishes till my hands were shriveled and there was a mass of bubbles around the sink basin. masturbating and fantasizing about having sex soon and the feel of a cock in my pussy. i miss that tightness. there is nothing that feels the same to me. there is probably nothing that does feel the same.

two years of being vegetarian has made me very sensitive to the taste of meat. i almost choked today at the sight of chicken bones in the sink and the smell of chicken grease on the dirty plates.

there's a small sign in the back of my freezer that says "no frost" and this amuses me to no end.

i've realized all the things that i need to do. i'm just in love with words and writing and poetry and text. i want to spend every single day writing DIY books and zines and reading amateur authors. sometimes i wonder why i didn't start this sooner. i feel too old.

then i remember i'm just 22, almost 23 (september 9) and that there is tons of time. i have years left of my left and i'm acting like i'm 80 years old and i'm dying tomorrow. i have to get out of this funk. i have to get back to boston. desoto is sucking the life out of me.

it's times like these i'm glad i'm on medication. my poor messed up head. 
¶ 2:43 AM |